Joined: 13 Nov 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Fort Hamilton, New York, USA
Need help - alchoholic mom, cutting myself Posted: 11-14-07 18:01pm
i don't know where exactly this post
should go so i put it here but moderators
feel free to move it. i'll save everyone
the burden of going through my life with a
few sentences. my mom has been alcoholic
for as long as i can remember and i didn't
know my dad. my mom has this tendency to
always need a 'boyfriend' in her life,
most of them were abusive. when i was
really little up until a few years ago my
step-dad sexually abused me and my cousin
and that's really f'ed up every aspect of
my life. finally i told someone that was
my mom and they split. well she got a new
boyfriend whop was an alcoholic/drug
addict and he convinced her to go to north
carolina with him. i couldn't let her go
alone God only knows what he would have
done. we were down there a year when my
mom was beaten badly by him then he jumped
out a third story window and broke both
his legs. after that we moved back up here
to our old apartment and have been in it
for a few weeks. so to the point. because
of all this crap that's happened over the
years i started cutting myself and
instigating fights and drugs have come
into play etc etc. i stopped doing it
twice when my mom got a DUI and was on
probation taking classes and going to AA
meetings. she's done that three times now
and i have no problems not cutting when
she's not drinking.
what can i do to make her stop drinking
and make me stop cutting? it's like a
domino effect whenever i see her drinking
i hurt myself. because she doesn't have a
job anymore we're on the verge of being
homeless so i have to get one to support
us both. i'm going off to community
college this next year i'm afraid to leave
her here by herself with the 'friends' she
brings home. i'm not so much worried about
me cutting but her drinking. since we've
moved back to NY she's been getting into
drugs while binge drinking and idk what to
do. i've tried hiding the beer and vodka
from her but then she calls a friend or
goes and buys more. she's done rehab and
AA meetings. some night she doesn't drink
at all and is completely sober. other
nights she's so blasted she doesn't know
who i am. does anyone else have this
problem or know what i can do to help?
please i want her to see me graduate in
june.
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ciceron
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Nov 2007 Posts: 8
Hi Posted: 11-18-07 11:39am
First of all you've got to do something
for YOURSELF ok: try to be a little bit
less off a cutter. Talk to your mother
when she is sober it won't be easy but
each time will have an effect. After that
try to explain her what happens when she
bring back a "boyfriend" home. your
problem here is that your problems and
your mother's problem's are crossed.
You've got a choice to make: trying to
resolve all off them at the same time or
take them ONE BY ONE. I think that the
most important is having somewhere to live
and you will have that in College, then
the price of that: You might have to work
a bit but ask the college if they don't
have a help for that. Your mother will
then realise that it is possible to get
out of this s...: You won't be here to
help her anymore. My message here is help
yourselp first and things will follow.
Please let me know
Love you (for real I can't do anything to
you ,I am in France)
Cheers
Arnaud
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help_me_pleez
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Nov 2007 Posts: 21
Hi, I Understand And Im So Sorry- Posted: 11-24-07 14:42pm
I have been through what you are
describing from the time I was a little
child with my mommy, but I still love her
she is the only mommy I will ever have,
however Im 27 now and I realized that I
HAVE to live apart from my mother in order
to keep my sanity-I was thinking of
suicide all the time when I lived with her
she was making me crazy, and the roller
coaster of when they look like they are
trying to change and then they relapse
into old behaviours is the WORST part, and
feeling helpless, I still remember my momy
would quit drinking for a while, then a
stupid frend would be like c'mon Bon,
just ONE beer C'mon cmon,and she would be
like no no no- then OK I guess just
one-and I would be begging bargaining and
everything else, b/c one beer could lead
to a year stratight of being drunk hi and
in every kind of unimaginable
situation-LISTEN I know this is TOO HARD
to even think about but-U have to love
yourself too-you cant fix your mommy
beleive me I Speak my own experience and I
know plently of friends and cousins of
mine had the same experiences and can
attest to the same YOU CANT fix your mommy
(in some cases daddy). You have to get
away and live a good normal life, visit
her whenever she is SOBER and ALWAYS
remember its NOT YOUR fault. I am crying
writing this right now-b/c I can relate so
much-Girl my momma used to say she was
gonna commit suicide if I left home, in my
bedroom-
If you want to get healthy you have to get
on your own, and get a good support system
(friends) and NEVER turn to alcohol drugs
etc. Also you can talk to me anytime. I
used to cut myslef too,but it was so
embarrassing-b/c my family looks at me
like Im the rock in the family. I send you
my love b/c you are my sister in lifestyle
and send you best wishes-Ang
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ZeroAuthority
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Nov 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Fort Hamilton, New York, USA
Posted: 11-27-07 08:13am
since i posted this i have been working
really really really hard on not hurting
myself and i’m proud honestly. i posted
this 2 weeks ago and have cut only 3
times. that’s really good for me. and i
talked to my mom when she was SOBER. i
told her flat out that she has a problem.
i have to talk to her again about it
because this time she laughed at me and
said she never has had a drinking problem.
thanks for the advice cicerone and
help_me. you guys were right i was trying
to fix all my problems at the same time i
never thought of taking them one at a
time. i haven’t been as much and my
grades are getting better. i have a job
now with a friend’s dad it’s not much
but it is an income that doesn’t go
immediately to vodka. i can’t wait for
college but i don’t want to leave home.
i know i have to though. i’ll do what
you said help_me and visit her when
she’s sober, our phones just got shut
off so i won’t be able to call ahead of
time to see if she is sober.
100 thank you’s i’ll keep you
updated
Dillon
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PenguinsRus
Moderator
Joined: 05 Nov 2007 Posts: 1205 Location: New York, NY United States
Thanks: 28
Thanked:8
Posted: 11-27-07 10:30am
You actually remind me a bit of myself.
My father was an alcoholic and abusive.
Every time he drank, I cut. It got to the
point where I told myself "I will only cut
when he drinks" which was bad logic
because its putting the power in his hands
instead of my own. Eventually, at one of
the rehabs he went to, he made some
friends who he kept when he left rehab and
they ended up making things worse. They
introduced him to the world of drugs.
You have to hang in there and talk to
people who care for you. I know how hard
it can be. You have to try to focus on
the other things you have going for you in
life and not just your mother, as hard as
it may be. If you fear going home to her
at night, see if you can stay at a friends
house or go see a movie. I know avoiding
the problem isn't normally the right
answer, but if seeing her like that is
destroying you, since you don't have the
power to fix her problem, in this case it
may be best to avoid the negative at times
when you can to give you time to be calm
and cool down.
My dad went to over 15 rehab centers, and
nothing worked. It has to come within the
person, and it is not your fault at all.
Cutting really helps people cope, but it
is not the right answer. I managed to
stop because I was lucky enough to find a
boy who loved me enough to pull me out of
it and get me going down a steady, happy
path in life. I'm really proud that you
are taking your problems one at a time and
improving your grades, work, not cutting,
etc. Hang in there and keep up the good
work.
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ZeroAuthority
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Nov 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Fort Hamilton, New York, USA
Posted: 11-27-07 16:14pm
my mom hasn't been abusive before.and
that's a good idea penguins. tonight i'm
going to see if i can stay here at my best
friend's house. i don't have a computer
at home so i use hers. i'm trying
reallllly hard not to hurt myself. i had
to stay up all night because my mom didn't
get home from drinking with her 'friends'
until 3:45AM then i went to school at
6:45. get back from school at 2:15PM and
work starts at 4:15 til 8:15. i'm going
crazy!
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axcamm
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Sep 2007 Posts: 3 Location: ,
Hey Posted: 11-27-07 17:00pm
what u should do i know it sounds super
harsh but forget ur mother and care for
urself i didnt know either of my parents
so i dont know the love u feel for her
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ZeroAuthority
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Nov 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Fort Hamilton, New York, USA
Posted: 12-12-07 06:58am
that is harsh. sorry i haven't been on in
so long. the other day i had to call an
ambulance for her 'cause she passed out
after getting home and wouldn't wake up.
those guys have been here a lot and they
got her to wake up and gave me a AA card
then left. after that i started hurting
myself again. bad 'cause it's not only my
wrists. i got to the point where i thought
i'd lose her and actually screamed my
lungs at out her but she did nothing. idk
what else to do
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twilight_mist
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 38 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 12-13-07 19:52pm
ehm, how do I put this?
I know I cannot relate to your situation
in any way, so i won't say I know how
feel.. but I do know this: Hurting
yourself is not going to make the
situation any better. Then rather scream
more at her, or go for a walk or do
something else to either let her know how
you fell or to keep yourself occupied.
Perhaps you could contact some other
adults and have them have a word with
your mother? .. if you havent already
done that.
Don't give up. and try getting rid of
whatever you use to hurt yourself, easy
access just makes it easier to do.
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ZeroAuthority
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Nov 2007 Posts: 5 Location: Fort Hamilton, New York, USA
Posted: 12-15-07 10:31am
ok i think i got this under control. i'm
staying with my best friend and my mom is
moving in with my uncle he'll get her to
quit i know it. my friend's parents here
won't let me anywhere near anything sharp
it's kinda childish but whatever.
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twilight_mist
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 38 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 12-15-07 12:33pm
Good Hope it works out
for you
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paintedmouse
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Dec 2007 Posts: 17 Location: ,
Posted: 12-30-07 10:09am
As hard it as may be its probably best for
both your mom and yourself to be seperated
at this point. You can love her from a
distance. Being in your home is obvously
harmful to yourself. It's surprising CPS
hasn't been called. Helping yourself
adjust to living in a new place can help
if your mom looses custody of you.
At a point she will see what her behavior
is doing, it may take months, it may take
years.
You understand your home is not a health
place. Insist on only being around your
mom when she's sober. Anything less is
causing you and her vast pain in the long
run.
Believe me, leaving is almost always the
right decision. Its tough, but escaping
addiction and abuse riddled households
will make you a better person, a healthy
person, and insted of being a child who
thinks they can protect, you can be an
adult who may be able to provide real
support.
Hope it works out
for you
