Joined: 12 Apr 2004 Posts: 37 Location: Essex, England
I'm At My Lowest Point. Enough Is Enough. Posted: 04-12-04 23:13pm
Hi everyone, i'm new to this, and i'm
sorry if the subject sounds a bit
overdramatic. I've never written online
about my eating disorder. I hope some of
you take the time to read this little
story of mine, and have the grace to reply
- because this is a really sensitive issue
for me.
I come from a working class family, in a
town with the officially highest rate of
drugs related crime and teenage pregnancy,
and the lowest standard of secondary
education. My parents... (predictable
beginning) are both overweight, and both
of them hate fatness. I'm an only child
and their one wish was that i'd never know
the misery of obesity. So, they decided
to take preventative measures. While
they did the cambridge diet (the one with
no food, just pills) I was given slim-fast
at the age of 5. Rosemary connelly's
hip-n-thigh diet, and weight-watchers at
8. I attended the classes and
everything. Thry took me jogging in the
middle of the night so that nobody would
see us and "laugh". I was really sporty,
and also an early developer. My periods
started when I was 8, and it was around
that time I started reading teen
magazines, and got the the idea to go
without food to try and lose weight (i was
a skinny child, btw). I was the *worst*
anorexic in the world, so I eventually
started making myself sick - i'm not sure
how old I was, but probably about 9. I
discovered laxitives when I was 11-12, but
I found them so painful and unpleasant
that i'd quit using them by about 15.
I began piling the weight on when I was
11-12. I attempted suicide when I was 11
and hated school because it felt like a
prison. I weighed 12 stone (168lbs) when
I was 12 years old. I decided to never
go back to school. I'd been forced to do
'family therapy' and 'counselling' from
the age of 10, and they eventually decided
to take me into residential psychiatric
care. I was never given medication. I
met lots of girls in similar positions and
we all had a great time encouraging each
other to defy the useless nurses and
trading anorxia/bulimia techniques - not
to mention how to 'self harm' and the best
ways to commit suicide. I was eventually
discharged after a year - the hospital
said that there was nothing they could do.
Another suicide attempt at 14 meant that
welfare stopped hassling me to go
school.
What welfare didn't know, is that while
all this was going on, i'd been reading
'teach yourself gcse' books, and I went to
an adult education centre and asked them
to teach me. They obtained a special
licence, and at 15 I acheived 8 gcses a-c
grades. That's higher that any of my old
friends from school. This lead on to
a'levels, aab grades. And then
university in a different town, where
nobody knows me. I'm in the third year
of that degree, and i'm 21. I now live
in the university town - 300 miles away
from my parents. The university have
asked me to consider staying on and doing
a phd, and i'm currently trying to sort
out funding for a masters. Not bad for
somebody who was told by welfare, my
family, social workers, and psychiatrists
that I was stupid and would never amount
to anything. I rent a lovely little
house with my partner, who i've been with
for two years. He's also a student, and
he's extremely sensitive and bright, and
also very gentle and loving and funny.
He's asked me to marry him but i'm not
sure if I beleive in marriage. It hardly
matters - we have a great time. I was so
lonely for so long.
You might wonder where "i'm at my lowest
point. Enough is enough." fits into all
this. Well, my weight crept up. At 18
I weighed 18 stone (252lbs) but managed to
lose 5 stone (70lbs) through deliberately
healthy means. However, I reached a
'plateau' (couldn't lose any more
regardless of what I did) and got so
frustrated that I started to gain weight
again. Now, here I am - I now weigh
nearly 19 stone (266lbs) and I just can't
stop eating. I'm at a point where I have
lost all conception of 'hungry' and 'full'
and the guilt is killing me. When it
gets too much I *still* makes myself sick,
although I really, really try not to binge
and vomit (with some success). I tend to
'graze' and i'm certain i'm addicted to
carbohyrates. I'm a strict vegetarian so
it's very difficult to rectify. It all
seems incredibly unfair because I eat
pretty much the same things as my
boyfriend, except he is 9.07 stone
(135lbs)! I've never been the kind to
eat whole packets of biscuits or six
chocolate bars, or whatever. I'm in a
situation where if i'm not losing, i'm
gaining - so i've made an appointment to
try and get reductil, and hopefully some
diet-advice (low carb vegetarian). I'm
really scared, about what the dotor will
say, and I know that if he checks my
records he'll see the history of eating
disorders and won't give me the drug.
I think that because my life is going so
well, i'm subconsciously trying to make
myself unhappy by letting myself get so
fat. It's working, because being this
fat is making me morbid and I have
suicidal thoughts. The only thing that
really stops me trying is love of my
boyfriend - I could never leave him by
himself. I slept around, and
'experimented' a lot before I met him
(something else that causes me lots of
pain) so I know how prescious he is. The
excess weight aggravates an old injury in
my foot and it's made me pretty much
housebound because of the pain when I
walk. I don't think my boyfriend really
understands how horrible it is to be
overweight, and how much it frightens and
upsets me. I can't help but feel like a
massive disgusting failure - despite all
my acedemic success.
If you're still reading this - thanks for
listening. Please reply.
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purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 04-17-04 13:49pm
Julia,
you live in such a beautiful area where
walking would be a great therapy (&
might help you lose abit of weight but I
know only too well that that is a
ridiculous suggestion & one you're
probably sick to death of hearing given
your foot - I am overweight & have
medical problems & people are always
suggesting I exercise!!) - still is there
a smimming pool at your uni & could
you & your boyfriend go there at a
time of day when it's quieter & you
wouldn't feel so "on show" because
swimming wouldn't hurt your foot but would
help reduce weight & importantly tone
muscle??
reading your post I wish someone had taken
a stick to your parents a long time ago -
but that's past & you have made a
wonderful life for yourself & all by
your own efforts, so you are obviously
extremely bright & very capable of
self-motivation therefore you can achieve
anything you set your mind to; sometimes
though you need to learn the skills first
in order to be able to help yourself.
With your studies - you didn't simply wake
up & say right i'm going to uni &
hey presto you were there? No, of course
not, you studied & if you do a masters
& phd you will continue to study only
now you are building on the foundations
that you laid way back in your teens when
you did that reading in private. Well the
same as that reading formed the
foundations of your current ability to
study, learn & succeed academically
you need to develop foundations for
overcoming your eating/weight problems.
So what do you want to do? can
you go swimming somewhere? can
you find a support group? why
are you a vegetarian (think hard before
answering this as it is important) ?
& when did you become a vegetarian?
tell
me exactly what & how much of it you
eat in a day & when (like what times)
& why????
please answer the questions marked and
any other information you think important.
Eg medical conditions, food allergies,
food like/dislikes, how often do you have
motions?
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Julia_Smith_21
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Apr 2004 Posts: 37 Location: Essex, England
Posted: 04-17-04 22:01pm
Hiya - thanks for the reply - I think
you've asked me some very interesting
questions. I'll do my best to answer
them all properly.
I used to walk a
lot because of financial reasons - in fact
in the first year of uni I used to walk a
minimum of five miles a day over hilly
parkland in order to get to and from uni.
The university itself is built on the
side of hill, so just getting around the
uni can be quite good exercise. I have
been to the a&e over my foot, and have
been to my gp, and have a referral to a
physiotherapist, but it's hard to fit it
all in what with coursework and exams
coming up. I openly admit I avoid
walking at all costs, because even the
smallest amount causes me serious pain, it
takes 3 days of complete inaction for it
to go away. Even a trip round tesco's
can set it off unless I use the trolley as
a crutch. There isn't a swimming pool at
my uni, because the uni is very small.
The town is also quite small, and the only
swimming pool I can think of is quite far
away, and not on a bus route (plus it's
one of those kiddie-adventure swimming
pools). However, the minute my exams are
finished i'll go to a physio and hopefully
they'll be able to work out what's wrong
(i've actually done another post on here
about my foot - it's on the orthopedic
section, and goes into detail).
i've heard that
there are self-help courses run by the
eating disorders association for parents
who desperately don't want to pass on
their 'issues' to their children - if this
was around 20 years ago I probably
wouldn't be in the state I am now. My
parents inherited their problems from
their own parents - it's very easy to
trace. When my grandmother died my
father sent my mother out with 50 pounds
to buy as much junk-food as possible
(chocolate, ice-cream, cakes), and he sat
in the house and ate the lot, without
saying a word. My grandmother was
extremely cruel to everybody about their
weight (she was naturally thin but had a
very unhappy life) - she used to play sick
little mind-games, and bullied my dad in
particular.
my studies come
naturally to me - right from the beginning
it wasn't 'necessary' for me to study,
it's as if my studying is a kind of
rebellion. When I was 16-18 it was quite
literally a rebellion because my parents
seriously didn't want me to do a'levels
and go to university. They wanted me to
grow up and get a proper job, and start
bringing in some money. They used to
undermine me a lot - they once threw away
all my books and notes, and tried to
sabotage my university applications, and
even my exams (by playing loud music the
night before, and promising to give me
lift to the college, and then changing
their minds half an hour before the exam).
I'm off a council estate, so me even
being at uni feels a bit naughty and
subversive. My parents seem okay with me
being at uni now, although they've said
that they're going to continue not
supporting financially during my masters.
I think they've accepted that I actually
have half a brain cell (you can imagine
how they thought i'd always amount to
nothing - what with me dropping out of
school), and that they can't stop me.
i've been
vegetarian since I was 11, so it'll be ten
years this summer. I've been bulimic
since I was about nine, and my first
serious weight-gain was when I was 12-13.
The summer I became vegetarian was the
same summer I started buying cigarettes
regularly. I was a serious smoker - and
I was smoking about 40 a day at my worst
point (it was the ideal addiction for me,
and I miss it a lot). I quit about 18
months ago because it was breaking my
partner's heart. It was around 18 months
ago that I had a contraceptive implant
fitted. My weight has been pretty stable
for the last 18 months - i've gained no
more than a stone. I broke my foot about
a year ago.
i'm vegetarian
because I don't like meat. I 'avoid'
eggs because I don't like them either. I
like eggs more than I like meat though, so
I sometimes have one if I fancy one. I'm
allergic to shellfish, but I do like and
eat fish, especially white fish and tuna.
I recently got a mouthful of chicken at a
party (thinking it was tuna) and it
confirmed that I still really don't like
meat.
on an average day
me and my partner have porridge for
breakfast (because it's cheap) made
according to the instructions on the
packet (45g, semi-skimmed milk, sweetener
for taste) with raisins - which works out
at about 400-450 calories each.
Sometimes we have apple juice with it,
which is about 100 cals. I also have a
big cup of tea (sweetener and skimmed milk
of course). I'm telling you this because
it's the one thing I always eat every day.
Other than that my eating habits are
always changing. Sometimes i'm
deliberately trying to be healthy,
sometimes i'm trying to save money. I'd
say about once a week I do a pasta-bake,
with mushrooms, milky-sauce (packet) and
tuna, because it feeds us both, tastes
good, and is cheap. I usually have quorn
every day for one meal or another, and I
always have a serving of carrots and
broccoli - i'm lucky in that I really,
really like steamed vegetables. I'm
sorry if it sounds like i'm trying to
paint myself as a faultless saint.
Obviously i'm not. I probably have 1
medium pizza a week, and I always 'graze'
throughout the day - usually on toast,
sandwiches or cereal (when i'm in a 'bad'
phase). I'm not the kind of fat person
who is always eating chocolate and crisps.
I also don't like deep-fried food (ie
chips) or anything that seems obviously
greasy (it's something I associate with my
parents). It's the 'hidden' calories and
fat that gets me - bread, pasta, noodles
etc. In fact it's very depressing for me
to see thin people eating so much
junk-food. I could never 'get away' with
eating loads of chocolate and ice-cream
and stuff.
I work very, very
hard trying to resist overreating and
making myself sick, but I do lapse
sometimes. Maybe twice a month. If my
friends all go out to pizza-hut I really
can't stop myself sneaking upstairs in the
restaurant and doing it, because I feel so
guilty. If I feel like i've grazed too
much during the day I sometimes can't
resist doing it, and of course - carbs are
really easy to regurgitate.
I saw a documentary
recently on the atkins diet, and it said
that it works because the protein fills
people up more than carbs, and they end up
eating less. I thought this was very
interesting because I eat a lot of carbs
and I rarely feel full. I've been on
e-diets (where you can make personalised
diet sheets) and when I filled out all my
details, they said it wasn't possible to
create a diet for me because i'm too fussy
(ie vegetarian 'carbohydrate addict').
Hopefully i'll get referred to a dietician
on monday and we'll be able to work
something out. I'm not sure what you
mean by 'motions', but if i'm right, i'll
say 'twice a day' - very regular. My
partner eats very similar things to me
(but also less healthy - less regularly,
and less fruit and veg) and he only goes
about once every two or three days - this
worries me quite a lot - but obviously
he's reluctant to talk about it. He is
5'11" and weighs just under ten stone.
Thin, but not skinny.
sorry about that big long reply. You
might guess correctly that my degree is
essay-based; there is never a short
answer! Thanks for taking the time to
read it.
Julia
|
purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 04-18-04 12:17pm
Julia,
i know what it's like to be at a uni on a
hill the one I went to & my daughter
is at is on a hillside - it does however
have a gym & pool. In the same vein
as a pool, do you have a bath in your
flat? You could sit in the bath (warm-hot
water) daily & exercise your foot -
not the same as a pool but you could still
do a number of exercises in the bath that
might help it??
As to your food intake, it really doesn't
seem that bad aside from too many carbs
(bread, pasta etc) perhaps you could try
for a higher level of protein (which is
also good for concentration) & which
helps fill you up. You also mention
grazing (my daughter does this when
stressed over uni work & when she has
alot of classes etc back to back) try not
to accept extras from friends, try &
pack some "grazing food" to take with you
for the day & only eat that (don't
take money with you that way you are less
able to buy other stuff) & make what
you take healthy & limit it to a
reasonable amount. By preparing it before
hand you can see exactly how much you're
having and so restrict it to a reasonable
level. This really is just about training
yourself to do with food what you do with
other aspects of your life eg
study/assignments etc.
My daughter is doing a b.A. (combined
major in theatre, film & performance
plus a co-major in english) her subjects
are all essay type as well - so don't
worry about length!!
Many universities or hospitals/medical
centres have cbt (cognitive behaviour
therapy) groups that are free or cheap -
perhaps you could try that as it might
shed some light &/or give you some
skills to help you - a psychiatrist I
talked to said cbt is more useful for
women then men as men are less likely to
do the homework/exercises to develop the
skills - the psych is male!! As to
support groups are there none around for
sufferers of eating disorders or even for
family of sufferers (better than
nothing!!). Also in general many skills
we get from a support group re eating
disorders would be similar to skills you
could learn in any support group (you just
have to adjust the skills to suit your
needs!!).
Contact the eating disorders association
for information re groups near you for
you!! You do have an eating disorder but
while admitting it, you also seem to be
fighting yourself with regard to actively
doing anything to ovrcome it. I'm sorry
if this seems harsh but sometimes harsh is
needed. Your parents caused this not you
but you are 21 this year & have been
your own prson acting as a responsible
adult for many years except in this one
area now it is time to decide whether you
want the rest of your life to be governed
& ruined by what your parents did or
whether you are going to choose to take
control of this last aspect of your life
as well. The blame was theirs but as an
adult the blame for allowing it to
continue lies with you. As adults we must
take responsibility for ourselves &
our mistakes.
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purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 04-18-04 12:32pm
I just read your post about your foot -
which by the way is under general q &
a not ortho - I don't know what the cause
is but here are a couple of suggestions
that "might" help - aside from the bath
exercises.
1) arthritis creams/ anti-inflammatory
creams/ strain creams (whick you have
probably tried but maybe try a number of
these in conjunction with each other??
)
2) magnets work for many people with bone
& muscle pain - worth a try?
3) hot & cold compresses - like you
would for a strain but combine with the
creams & do before & after
exercise then rest - you could do this
every evening while reading, watching tv
or whatever.
4) there are a number of vitamin type
tablets which might help (although these
are generally expensive & do take time
to work the cost might be offset by the
results of getting better sooner - like 6
months versus several years!!) - a
combination of chondroitin 600-700mgs
& glucosamine 750-1000 mgs twice a
day, there are other tablets too which are
for arthritis & so on - check ata
local health food store or on-line might
be cheaper & also you don't have to
walk around any stores if you check/shop
on-line!!
5) there are support bandages - if you
don't already use one - that might be of
use but not to wear in bed!!
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Julia_Smith_21
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Apr 2004 Posts: 37 Location: Essex, England
Posted: 04-22-04 23:45pm
Sorry, but for some reason it hasn't been
informing me when people post replies.
I went to the doctors last week with my
partner to ask about stuff, and he's
reccommended some tests. I went for the
tests today, and they took eight in total.
These were tests to see if I have any
conditions affecting my weight, and what
my overall health is. Obviously I don't
think my weight is down to any medical
conditions but I can see that it's a good
idea to check first before doing anything
else.
Sometimes it's nice to hear "it's all your
own fault" because it makes you take
responsibility for yourself. I don't
blame my parents because I accept that the
last link in a chain, and that all of my
bad feelings have simply followed down a
line. I might be one of the worst
affected in my family, but I like to think
that the buck stops here.
I've managed to just about maintain my
weight this last year. It might be high,
but at least i'm not binging, vomiting or
starving myself. I consider this an
acheivement - especially since in the last
year, i've started chemical contraception,
quit smoking, and suffered a major
personal bereavement (my best friend went
missing, and was raped and murdered). In
fact, I think it was when they found her
body that I did my last serious, serious
binge - it involved two bottles of
champagne, dope, people, pizzas, dips, and
a massive family-size tirimisu. I was as
sick as hell afterwards, but i'll
challenge anyone who can imagine a 'better
way' to deal with news like that (as far
as i'm aware there is no 'offical' or
'good' way to deal with such things).
I might have a long list of problems, but
unfortunately I also have a long list of
therapies. I've actually done cognitive
therapy. Remember I was in a mental
hospital when I was 13, and was in therapy
for about six years. In that time I have
had:
Cognitive therapy
Psychotherapy
General group therapy (daily for one
year)
Family therapy (avoid)
Play therapy
Social skills therapy
Group social skills therapy
Drama therapy
Analysis (ie with a psychiatrist to assess
problems)
Art
therapy (this one went on for years and
years - god knows why)
Sessions with educational psychologists
(absolutely rubbish)
I
also had a regular weekly session with a
therapist on childline for about five
years
Key
nurse therapy sessions (general
counselling daily for 1 year)
i also hold two qualifications in
counselling myself. I managed to free
myself from all this five years ago and I
seriously have no intention of getting
sucked back into it. There isn't one of
those therapies mentioned that have not
made me feel worse. In my experience -
sitting around and chatting with other
people with eating disorders (in real
life) just gives you the impression your
behaviour is normal, and gives you the
opportunity to swap tips and ideas.
I am my current weight after a massive and
rapid weight gain about 18 months ago.
It followed a big weight loss. Prior to
this gain, i'd spent two years losing six
stone, with a 1500 calorie diet and an
exercise video every other day. So you
can see, i've done a six-stone 'yo-yo' in
the last 3 1/2 - 4 years - but remained
pretty much stable this last year - if
that makes sense! I actually think
remaning stable for a year is something of
an acheviement for me - it's driving me
crazy though - which is why i've been
going to the doctor and having these
tests, and posting on here. As soon as
my exams finish i'll make an appointment
with a physio for my foot - i've already
got the referral.
I hope this doesn't sound like i'm trying
to block out all of your advice - it's
very good advice, but you can see that I
have made little advances and efforts. I
really wouldn't have posted if I didn't
feel at my wits end - like i've tried
everything and can't be helped.
Hopefully this new stuff i'm doing will
help. As for the high-protein diet you
suggested - I tried to get a
'carb-addict', 'vegetarian' plan from
ediets (the site is meant to be great) but
they told me that they couldn't make a
diet with those requirements. I'm hoping
I might be able to put one together with
the dietician i'll probably be referred to
when my tests come though. I have no
problem sticking to a diet (i have quite
an anal personality and like the
routines). Hopefully the dietician will
help me when reach a plateau - because
that's the reason I gained all this weight
back.
Thanks for reading my little moans,
julia
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purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 04-24-04 00:45am
Your last serious binge would have made
anyone seriously sick & if it didn't
they would need help!! Having that happen
to a friend - you had to deal with it
& the way you chose was not
inappropriate ( it really was the same
idea as the "irish wake"). So not really
so much to do with an eating issue as a
dealing with grief, horror & fear
issues.
Ok, after seeing the list of groups &
counsellors & therapists I so agree
you do not need anymore of that same type
of thing. Please keep the word same in
mind because there are always new types of
things or just a person who does an old
thing differently perhaps a person you
respond to & so you should keep your
options open for people, groups, etc that
might be of interest/help.
Sometimes though when you've been through
the wringer of all the systems what is
needed is to get out of the systems &
find either your own unique way or find
something totally different that for
whatever weird reason "works" for you.
One of my cousins who had had a rotten
childhood & adult life plus alot of
serious health problems & who got
nowhere with the medical system etc found
her "niche" when she got involved in
screen printing & selling the stuff
she made at markets. I am not saying that
this is what you should do, only giving an
example of how something with ho "therapy"
or counselling etc involved - something
you take up as a hobby because it
interests you (or because it might provide
a few extra pounds!!) might end up helping
you in far wider areas than you might
imagine.
I think that when any person has been
through the counselling "mill" (& more
so if they have gained some qualifications
in it!!) then it really is unlikely to
help them. They know what it's all about,
what the right answers are & what the
drama or art therapy etc is looking to get
at!! So therefore it's usefulness becomes
void.
My daughter would totally agree with you
about a support group providing an
opportunity for suffereres to swap better
ways to avoid & hide their illness
rather than providing a way to heal. But
if there was a support group for students
having trouble settling in to uni life,
that might be useful - the issues are
different but often the solutions or types
of solutions are oddly similar. Just a
thought as I do believe it is important to
keep our eyes & minds open.
Be careful with the dietitian the one my
daughter saw was loopy, & totally
inconsistent not to mewntion unreasonable.
High protein does help concentration
& what many people do not realize is
that many foods are high in carbs but they
arnot the ones we associate with carbs.
You might want to check out sites re
specific carbohydrate diet & irritable
bowel syndrome (these sites are where my
daughter got her information on what foods
had what levels of carb, salt, sugar,
dairy,protein etc etc - so this might be
of help.
I think that you are doing all the right
things - with perhaps one exception - do
you relax?? Just take time out &
chill?? Maybe (& I think this is the
case) you have very high expectations of
yourself so you do not tend to relax
enough, which means you stay uptight -
this is not healthy we all need (& so
do our minds & bodies) down time.
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Julia_Smith_21
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Apr 2004 Posts: 37 Location: Essex, England
Posted: 04-27-04 01:15am
It's interesting that you compare it to an
irish wake, because my friend was an irish
catholic and I thought at the time
(obviously skewed logic) that deliberately
binging on every possible level (food,
drugs, smoke, alcohol) would be the most
appropriate thing to do for her. It also
helped me try to deal with the very
genuine physical sickness that I was
feeling as a consequence of what had
happened.
It has crossed my mind that more
therapy/counselling would definately not
be the same now. The general level of
medical care I had in my old town was
appalling - so appalling in fact, I intend
to to review my medical records when I
finish my exams, because I know for a fact
that there are some lies in them (a doctor
wrote that i'd been admitted to hospital
for scans etc after suffering a
miscarriage when I was 15, but the truth
was - I rang him, and he told me never to
ring him, and left me to dealt with it
myself; he obviously realised afterwards
he'd made a mistake and then lied on the
records). Anyway.... (do I pile on the
horror stories or what? I assure you, my
life's not that bad )
i've recieved amazing medical care in my
new town , and also the counselling would
be confidential (it's not when you're
under 1 and that would make
a massive difference. It's just very
daunting, and it would be hard to
communicate to a gp the sheer scale of the
problem, and the necessity for 'proper
therapy' as opposed to a nice little
chatty counsellor.
I totally agree with the example of your
cousin - I like to go to auctions, and
car-boot sales, and buy and sell small
antiques for profit when i'm not at uni.
That also gets me out, and often involves
hours of walking (although it usually
screws my foot, but hopefully that won't
be for much longer). I'm also mad about
dogs, although my dog, and friends of my
dog, are all back in my old town.
Because of this, I like to get my 'animal
kick' at the local zoo whenever I can -
it's usually about once every six weeks,
which I guess is quite a lot since it's a
big expensive 'proper' zoo.
I am quite worried about the dietician -
i've probably mentioned it in earlier
post, but my mother took me to dietician
regularly when I was about 7 or 8 (i
think) but not sure why - I was pretty
sporty and healthy up until about 11. I
remember going to the dietician was a
source of real misery - I kept a diary and
it says stuff like "i hate diatishons"
which depressed me when I found it. I'm
hoping that now i'm a grown-up, and living
in a different town, I might be able to
"use" the dietician to get what I want -
(basically a diet plan that suits me).
If not, i'm an adult now and I can just
stop going if I want to - or demand a
different one. I was quite assertive
with the doctor when I went last week -
back home I used to go to the docs about
my weight and they just used to tell me to
eat less and send me away. Things are
totally different now.
I actually showed your post to my partner
(i think he was worried about me going on
a forum and not going out of my way to
show him what I was discussing). He
totally agrees with you that I should
relax more. Procrastination isn't the
same as relaxing, because when I
procrastinate i'm usually stressing on the
inside about work, and 'paralysed' -
unable to get working because i'm so
stressed. I know all students are guilty
of this, but still. Me and my family
have never had any money, so i've never
really had any nice clothes, or cds or
anything that girls my age seem to value
so much. Being a student all this time
means that i've just had even less money
than before. It's all made me realise
that i've had very little actual fun.
Because of this, it's kinda been my
resolution for the past year or so to go
out of my way to do things that are
pointlessly fun (ie going to the zoo or
the seaside - but not the cinema because
it pertains to my studies). My parents
have got new jobs so they're in a position
to help more with money. I've got a
stack of books i'm going to read for
pleasure when my degree finishes in a
month's time, because I haven't read a
book for pleasure in about four years.
After all the bad stuff that's gone on
recently (especially rachel's homicide) I
probably should go out of my way to have
fun and relax. I'm definately going to
celebrate the end of my degree, and i'm
going to demand 'beer money' from my
parents, because it's really annoying
watching all the other students celebrate.
I have golden tickets for the summer
ball already - although the problem of
what i'm going to wear (given my sudden
weight gain) is causing me a bit of
anxiety.
|
zilbucks
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Apr 2004 Posts: 210 Location: NY
Posted: 05-01-04 03:34am
Hey julia. First I just began to read
this post, and I am so sorry for what you
went through and continue to go through.
I't unfortunate when children are put on
strict diets when they are young, becasue
they are npot learning proper eating
haboits, so this was ingrained in you a
looong time ago. You went to therapists
when you were younger(so did I although
not for the same reasons). What I found
is wen someone is in their teens and they
go up against adult people who are trying
to analyze them is that the teen neither
finds too much fault in themself, becasue
they are a teen and are too vunerabnle to
criticism- and of course when you have
adult figures questioing . Being
judgemental , about your ailments you tend
to tune them out. The only time a psych
doctor can be helpful is when you yourself
want to be helped not when you are forced
to be. So I wouldn't necessarily rule
out talking to one- about your past with
your parents, about your eating disorder.
- I also want to mention that although I
have never been over weight, I usually am
under weight- I too was a vegetarian- this
past year I discovered I was bipolar.
When the depression was extremely bad, I
would eat and eat and eat and inturn feel
guilty and throw it up. This made me
gain in the past year 40 lbs. I was
diagnosed with bipolar and put on
antidepressant, once my emotions were
under control I began to eat healthy
again, but knew I had to lose weight , in
turn I began the atkins diet. I cringed
when I ate meat- but I also knew that
people had been successful, so I forced it
upon myself. It took some getting used
too- alot of getting used to, but food
cravings went away, I don't even barely
ever feel hungry, and my weight is now
dropping off. I have about 30 lbs more
to lose until i'm back to looking like me
again. I was going to try the south
beach diet which actually has vegetarian
based high protein diet:) so you may want
to look into that, i've heard great things
about it, and is also a version of atkins.
I do however feel that you should look
into a oa(over eaters anonymous program)
and get a handle on your emotions first
before you do try to diet/ lose weight,
becasue binging is a cycle, where you
become depressed, binge, feel guilty throw
up, then feel depressed- so first you need
to work on a method where you can break
that cycle. Sorry if i've been
repetitive!! I also want to say that
thats awesome what you have done for
yourself!!! It takes a strong person to
pull them self out and better themselves
by going to school, against negative
wishes not to do so. Your on the right
track, your at school, and you realize you
want to get better, and you've taken a
step by joining this forum for advice! good luck!!!
|
Julia_Smith_21
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Apr 2004 Posts: 37 Location: Essex, England
Posted: 05-01-04 05:55am
Hiya, thanks for replying. I guess this
forum is quite good but the abortion
debates get me down a bit.
It's nice to meet somebody who understands
what a nightmare it ito bombarded with
therapists when you're young. The
problem is, they try to fit you into their
textbook definition, decide they're right,
and get annoyed and call you uncooperative
when they try to treat you for the wrong
thing! Examples:
I had an
educational psychologist once, who told my
parents that the reason I didn't go to
school was because I was unconsciously
frightened that they'd get a divorce if I
wasn't around to supervise them. Because
of this, I had developed learning
difficultues (which explained why I was so
hostile to people who were trying to teach
me how to read). I did some reading, and
found out that this is something that
happens to children between the ages of 5
and 9. I was 13 or 14 at the time. He
could have done an iq test, or asked me
what I didn't like about school (it felt
like prison - all of my friends were
sleeping with burglars and taking drugs -
the teachers bullied me because I 'thought
I was clever'. The work was
mind-numbingly easy and all I wanted to do
was get into a good university, which
wouldn't happen if I stayed at school).
Sadly, my parents beleived him and not me.
So did the local education authority.
Well i've proved them all wrong now - but
it still hurts me a bit. I have a
professor at uni who really loves my work
- he reads essays for all my subjects and
he was the one suggested I consider a
ph.D. It's nice to know all of my
success at uni was off my own back (at
college, everyobdy knew my past, but here
they don't). I'm kinda tempted to tell
him because i'm so proud of myself.
We're having a social soon so maybe it'll
come up.
in the
'unit' (ie mental hospital - which is now
executive apartments, multi-gym and juice
bar) I was 'diagnosed' with an extreme
lack of social skills. This is because I
told them that when I was with a group of
friends, I always felt awkward,
uncomfortable, hostile. I felt afraid,
and had a desperate need to leave the
situation. Of course, if they'd asked me
what kind of people I hung around with -
they'd know that I was in groups of people
who were injecting heroin, and setting the
girls' hair on fire for fun when they got
high!!! Any normal person would feel
apprehensious and want to leave!!!
I have a million stories like this.
Family therapy was terrible. I would say
that it ammounted to abuse, and that was
the standard opinion of other people in
the unit and their families. It was
forced on us and it was a terrifying and
traumatic experience for all involved.
It acheived absolutely nothing. It made
things much worse. It made my parents
hate me more, and me hate everybody more
than I already did! All of this, and
were told over and over again that were
*lucky* to be given the beautiful miracle
that is nhs psychiatric care!
Sorry - just had to get that off my chest!
I was under the impression that the south
beach diet was just another fad. The
akins diet is a subject of debate and i'm
afraid I don't agree with it. My father
is 'on atkins' and he uses it as an excuse
to eat a litre of mayonnaise a day (no lie
- me and my partner tested him by buying
litre jars and watching). I'll see what
the dietician has to say, and if it
doesn't work out I might have a look at
the south beach diet if you say it might
be good. There's a diet book coming out
soon and it's called 'high protein
vegetarian' which sounds good. It
doesn't come out till october though!
:-s
i've not really had a hard life - it just
looks bad when it's all written down. We
all have pasts, don't we? I admit i'm
not happy often, but I think it makes me
who I am. Maybe if somebody had given me
an iq test early on, I might have gotten a
scholarship to go to the local private
school and things might have been
different. But all these things make me
who I am. The reason I do so well at uni
is because there's a depth of experience
to my writing. I've managed to pack in a
serious amount of experiences, i've moved
in lots of different cirlces and made lots
of bad mistakes; i've done immoral things
and been in strange in situations that
would make all the right-wing people on
here sick. Plus, there's not a day goes
by when I don't feel special and lucky for
being at uni. I never miss classes
because I know that I made a big decision
to get myself here, and I can leave any
time I like. The other people on my
courses skip classes, write bad essays,
and let 'daddy' pay for everything.
Given this, it's not really a suprise i'm
doing okay in comparison.
Julia
|
Julia_Smith_21
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Apr 2004 Posts: 37 Location: Essex, England
Posted: 05-01-04 05:55am
Hiya, thanks for replying. I guess this
forum is quite good but the abortion
debates get me down a bit.
It's nice to meet somebody who understands
what a nightmare it ito bombarded with
therapists when you're young. The
problem is, they try to fit you into their
textbook definition, decide they're right,
and get annoyed and call you uncooperative
when they try to treat you for the wrong
thing! Examples:
I had an
educational psychologist once, who told my
parents that the reason I didn't go to
school was because I was unconsciously
frightened that they'd get a divorce if I
wasn't around to supervise them. Because
of this, I had developed learning
difficultues (which explained why I was so
hostile to people who were trying to teach
me how to read). I did some reading, and
found out that this is something that
happens to children between the ages of 5
and 9. I was 13 or 14 at the time. He
could have done an iq test, or asked me
what I didn't like about school (it felt
like prison - all of my friends were
sleeping with burglars and taking drugs -
the teachers bullied me because I 'thought
I was clever'. The work was
mind-numbingly easy and all I wanted to do
was get into a good university, which
wouldn't happen if I stayed at school).
Sadly, my parents beleived him and not me.
So did the local education authority.
Well i've proved them all wrong now - but
it still hurts me a bit. I have a
professor at uni who really loves my work
- he reads essays for all my subjects and
he was the one suggested I consider a
ph.D. It's nice to know all of my
success at uni was off my own back (at
college, everyobdy knew my past, but here
they don't). I'm kinda tempted to tell
him because i'm so proud of myself.
We're having a social soon so maybe it'll
come up.
in the
'unit' (ie mental hospital - which is now
executive apartments, multi-gym and juice
bar) I was 'diagnosed' with an extreme
lack of social skills. This is because I
told them that when I was with a group of
friends, I always felt awkward,
uncomfortable, hostile. I felt afraid,
and had a desperate need to leave the
situation. Of course, if they'd asked me
what kind of people I hung around with -
they'd know that I was in groups of people
who were injecting heroin, and setting the
girls' hair on fire for fun when they got
high!!! Any normal person would feel
apprehensious and want to leave!!!
I have a million stories like this.
Family therapy was terrible. I would say
that it ammounted to abuse, and that was
the standard opinion of other people in
the unit and their families. It was
forced on us and it was a terrifying and
traumatic experience for all involved.
It acheived absolutely nothing. It made
things much worse. It made my parents
hate me more, and me hate everybody more
than I already did! All of this, and
were told over and over again that were
*lucky* to be given the beautiful miracle
that is nhs psychiatric care!
Sorry - just had to get that off my chest!
I was under the impression that the south
beach diet was just another fad. The
akins diet is a subject of debate and i'm
afraid I don't agree with it. My father
is 'on atkins' and he uses it as an excuse
to eat a litre of mayonnaise a day (no lie
- me and my partner tested him by buying
litre jars and watching). I'll see what
the dietician has to say, and if it
doesn't work out I might have a look at
the south beach diet if you say it might
be good. There's a diet book coming out
soon and it's called 'high protein
vegetarian' which sounds good. It
doesn't come out till october though!
:-s
i've not really had a hard life - it just
looks bad when it's all written down. We
all have pasts, don't we? I admit i'm
not happy often, but I think it makes me
who I am. Maybe if somebody had given me
an iq test early on, I might have gotten a
scholarship to go to the local private
school and things might have been
different. But all these things make me
who I am. The reason I do so well at uni
is because there's a depth of experience
to my writing. I've managed to pack in a
serious amount of experiences, i've moved
in lots of different cirlces and made lots
of bad mistakes; i've done immoral things
and been in strange in situations that
would make all the right-wing people on
here sick. Plus, there's not a day goes
by when I don't feel special and lucky for
being at uni. I never miss classes
because I know that I made a big decision
to get myself here, and I can leave any
time I like. The other people on my
courses skip classes, write bad essays,
and let 'daddy' pay for everything.
Given this, it's not really a suprise i'm
doing okay in comparison.
Julia
|
zilbucks
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Apr 2004 Posts: 210 Location: NY
Posted: 05-01-04 07:18am
whoooa jars of mayo
a day?? I like mayo but come on theres
gotta be a limit!! Haha- I try to look
up the south beach cite and see if I can't
find a sample plan of where it substituted
veggie proteins, for actual meat. And
vent all you want!!! I totaly
understand where your coming from!!!
But just remember, what you came from
doesn;t make you who you are, or define
who you are. It's impacted you and some
choices, but everything thats negative
that has happened has made you stronger
and given you more of a drive to prove the
little evil doers wrong, and thats
awesome! And yeeeeeh I agree the
abortion debate is a little out of hand
and makes me pretty angered- anyways i'll
find that cite for you!! Take care !!
|
zilbucks
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Apr 2004 Posts: 210 Location: NY
Posted: 05-01-04 08:03am
K i've been looking for the cite but i'm
not having much luck- i'll keep looking,
but it was basically instead of burger you
eat a veggie pattie, or veggie dog, any
meat would be substituted with a veggie
protein equivalent.
|
Julia_Smith_21
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Apr 2004 Posts: 37 Location: Essex, England
Posted: 08-19-04 11:58am
I've just been to the doctors. I had 9
different blood samples. And guess
what?
It's a thyroid problem
there is a god.
|
Julie25
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jul 2004 Posts: 25 Location: Teesside, UK
Posted: 08-27-04 03:33am
Hey julia,
glad to read that you have found a reason
for your weight gain. Just make sure that
you get enough medication! I am
hypothyroid as well, recovering from
bulimia, and I just discovered that I am
not getting enough thyroxine, and I still
really have trouble keeping the weight
off. But the doctor refuses to increase
my dosage, because he thinks I just want
to use it as a means of losing weight.
Please make sure they treat you adequately
and monitor your blood, because the nhs
doctors have a tendency not to care about
these things.
|
mistherd13
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Oct 2004 Posts: 52 Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posted: 10-10-04 00:21am
Hey, julia,
i just read some of the posts (y'all are
so verbose!), and i'm so happy for you!
I've heard bad stuff about the south beach
diet. I don't remember what exactly, just
that it's not good for you and doesn't
really work. Don't focus on cutting the
carbs alone and think that'll work. The
key to any diet is the calories. Protein
is more filling than carbs because they're
more difficult for the body to break down
so they remain in your stomach longer. As
a vegetarian as well, I find myself
consuming mostly carbs as well and not as
much protein as I really should... But
carbs are necessary, too. Don't mess up
your body more by exnaying on them.
Best of luck,
veronica
|
XXleenaxx
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Oct 2005 Posts: 1
Hey Juli Posted: 10-13-05 04:46am
Hey juli......And other on this forum im
leena from the uk im 17 years old and I
also started to hav the idea of me makin
myself sick wud mean that I wud loose
weight..............
Im 8 and a half stone alright for my
height and age but thers somthin that I
cant let go off thats me wantin to be a
stone mpre slimer.......I mean ppl dont
call me fat or anything but I got more
problems that makes me do stuff as
such...........
In a way this maks me release pain and
anger.........I hav started to mak myself
sick from the age of 14 durin the month of
ramadhan......Its a month of muslims
fastin.....
Its started as a test only for few weekd
then me mates blackmailed me to stop I did
but this year round I hav mbeen constantly
makin myself sik in the need of me losin
me weight.............I really do wanna
stop as im in the middle of a rough tim at
college but thers a part of me that dont
want to stop........
The minute I openen me fast the minute ill
munch and munch......Then go sneakly and
mak myself sik I knw wat im doin is bad
but it seems that I cant help myself
|
lonely_angel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 128 Location: missouri
Hey Posted: 10-13-05 18:44pm
Julia,
hi, so I read your post obviously lol. It
is amazing to see all the things that you
went through when you were younger. I
mean I have been bulimc for 1 year and a
half. I have a lil sister that is 10 and
I couldn't imagine anything like that
happening or what I would have done going
through something like that at a young
age. I am only 15 though. I wish you
luck with losing weight and hope that you
don't slip into anerexia agian. I think
you are a very succsessful person. You
help people on here see that there is life
beyond their eating disorders.
I used to walk a
lot because of financial reasons - in fact
in the first year of uni I used to walk a
minimum of five miles a day over hilly
parkland in order to get to and from uni.
The university itself is built on the
side of hill, so just getting around the
uni can be quite good exercise. I have
been to the a&e over my foot, and have
been to my gp, and have a referral to a
physiotherapist, but it's hard to fit it
all in what with coursework and exams
coming up. I openly admit I avoid
walking at all costs, because even the
smallest amount causes me serious pain, it
takes 3 days of complete inaction for it
to go away. Even a trip round tesco's
can set it off unless I use the trolley as
a crutch. There isn't a swimming pool at
my uni, because the uni is very small.
The town is also quite small, and the only
swimming pool I can think of is quite far
away, and not on a bus route (plus it's
one of those kiddie-adventure swimming
pools). However, the minute my exams are
finished i'll go to a physio and hopefully
they'll be able to work out what's wrong
(i've actually done another post on here
about my foot - it's on the orthopedic
section, and goes into detail).
sorry about that big long reply. You
might guess correctly that my degree is
essay-based; there is never a short
answer! Thanks for taking the time to
read it.
Cognitive therapy
)
i've recieved amazing medical care in my
new town , and also the counselling would
be confidential (it's not when you're
under 1
and that would make
a massive difference. It's just very
daunting, and it would be hard to
communicate to a gp the sheer scale of the
problem, and the necessity for 'proper
therapy' as opposed to a nice little
chatty counsellor.
I had an
educational psychologist once, who told my
parents that the reason I didn't go to
school was because I was unconsciously
frightened that they'd get a divorce if I
wasn't around to supervise them. Because
of this, I had developed learning
difficultues (which explained why I was so
hostile to people who were trying to teach
me how to read). I did some reading, and
found out that this is something that
happens to children between the ages of 5
and 9. I was 13 or 14 at the time. He
could have done an iq test, or asked me
what I didn't like about school (it felt
like prison - all of my friends were
sleeping with burglars and taking drugs -
the teachers bullied me because I 'thought
I was clever'. The work was
mind-numbingly easy and all I wanted to do
was get into a good university, which
wouldn't happen if I stayed at school).
Sadly, my parents beleived him and not me.
So did the local education authority.
Well i've proved them all wrong now - but
it still hurts me a bit. I have a
professor at uni who really loves my work
- he reads essays for all my subjects and
he was the one suggested I consider a
ph.D. It's nice to know all of my
success at uni was off my own back (at
college, everyobdy knew my past, but here
they don't). I'm kinda tempted to tell
him because i'm so proud of myself.
We're having a social soon so maybe it'll
come up.
