Ending a Relationship Forum - Trying to Find My Way

Okay, I just read all kinds of posts in this forum, and discovered my problem - I'm 44 and having a midlife crisis!!

Seriously.

Yes, we've been married for 22 years. There's a lot of history. We met my second year in college. Before that, I'd never had a girlfriend. I was kind of a loner up to that point - grew up in an environment with alcoholism & depression, and either denial or unawareness of the situation.

Anyway, I was at a point where I figured the first pretty girl, who was attracted to me, and with whom I "made it" would be probably the only one I would ever meet like that, in this whole world. Yes, she picked me up. Came back to my dorm room, and here I am 22 years later.

I honestly don't know whether any of this matters or not, but it nags at me from time to time.

Within a week, I discovered that she was actually a very moody, and that we had little in common - except for our attraction to one another.

Her parents wouldn't pay for her to go back to that college, so for the 2 years following, she was 90 miles away, and it became an over the phone and weekend kind of thing. I always loved getting out and socializing. She hated it. We'd always end up on the sofa at her parent's house, watching TV. I'd be bored to tears, but internalizing it.

My last year, on my own in College, I also became more social, and made some good friends in my dorm. There was a girl I used to hang out with there - suffice it to say, I was feeling mightily confused - on graduating, and moving back to the city to find work - where my girl was.

She wanted to marry asafp upon my return to Seattle. I lived in a shared rental with some friends when I first got there. She seemed to be always frowning, and wanting to stay in and be a couch potato. I wanted to go out and explore. We stayed at her parents, on the sofa. Every time.

I told her I wasn't sure about getting married. She clammed up, gave me a cold shoulder. Took a posture like she was going to dump me. I got scared, and backed down. We got married. I cried on my wedding day.

Within a year, being out in the working world, and married to her, was the first time I was diagnosed with depression, and high blood pressure.

I wouldn't accept it. I dieted and exercised, and got my blood pressure down, but stayed in denial about the depression, refusing medication.

We didn't have kids right away. I had times where I just felt unhappy. We had a sex life. It was good, but on some level, I always felt as though "me" was lost - I had given it up. Felt that way on my wedding day too. It always left a little twist in my stomach.

I made a go of it with her - tried to find some fun in the relationship. All the time, all I seemed to care about was that I had a sense of security in that we were a "stable" relationship. It was dull. I was not having fun though, day-to-day. I wanted to do physical things, get outdoors, go see live music downtown. She wanted to stay in and watched TV. We stayed in. I went out running to keep in shape. That was my escape. That, and I had a job with travel - so I could get away for a few days here and there.

When I got the offer for the job in California, I saw it as a chance to go my own way. She cried, I got scared and backed off. We moved down there together. I got interested in a girl there, but could never get the nerve up to say anything. But it stole my focus away from her. She ended up sleeping with a coworker there that I had befriended before ever moving down, and then having an affair with someone else, and moving to a separate apartment.

I had a nervous breakdown, my first. Still, I was in denial about the depression. We went to counseling. Everyone told me - do NOT divorce! Being single is hell.

I found work in Seattle, and returned. She followed me back about 2 months later, and we were together again. I had befriended a girl there, in hindsight, doubtful that there was anything there. My wife dug in, and I let this other girl go.

At that point, I started giving up. We bought our first home.

I figured I would never be strong enough to end it. I told her I loved her, even though I wasn't sure about it. I got involved with a coworker, we dated secretly - it was a payback thing on my part. Stupid. At that point, I quit drinking. I was 27.

When I tried to talk to friends about how I felt, they said "do NOT get a divorce. It is the worst thing you could do."

So I made a go of it, and really tried. And we went on short weekend trips to places nearby. B&B's, went to Mexico. We didn't I went with it, and we had some good times. Not exactly the kinds of activities I would have chosen on my own, only what she was willing to do.

It seemed like we'd had our fill of the no kids thing, so we had our first daughter. I wasn't expecting the one year of "no sex" after the baby was born, but there it was.

I'd always seemed to want sex more frequently then she did, throughout our entire relationship. It seemed like she was always tense, uptight, and could not relax.

Then our sex life came back. Then, when our first was 3, the house became too small, and the street was "going condo", so we sold. I had my second nervous breakdown. This is when I finally started anti-depressants. We fought over where to buy a home.

She wanted to live in this "high end" neighborhood. I wanted quiet - I did not want to live on a busy street. The antidepressants gave me strength, and I stood up to her. And we got a house further out from the city, in a quieter area. The meds really helped. My best friend since jr. high was starting to play drums in a band. I'd always wanted to play bass, so I got into music myself, with a different band. These were good years - my first years on meds. I had the music hobby, as my own thing, that I love and still do to this day.

When our oldest was 5, we had a second, because we did not want to have an only child. I never expected that there would be "no sex ever again", after that. But there it was.

My father passed a few years later. The alcoholism took him in his early 60's. Both of my wife's parents passed during this time too. I was actually, secretly thankful, since this meant I would not be getting dragged off to all-day family gatherings nearly every weekend for all of the birthdays of kids (Filipino family, big). We'd go to every stinking one of them. I would get bored sick - they all spoke native, and I couldn't understand a word, and we always stayed, what seemed like forever. I've never felt much in common with any of them. But they were my in-laws, so I made a go of it.

The sex thing became a bigger problem over time - in that there was none. I would try and initiate, and she would be too tired or stressed or tense.

Also, as the kids have gotten older, she's very strict and very critical, and yells at them both a lot. Very critical.

I talked to her about both these issues to no avail. I made an effort to communicate on both fronts. We fundamentally disagree on the decisions to make for the kids. She always seems to "decide" first, and then expect me to back her up.

I hate that. I hate all of the yelling, it is stressful to listen to. When I do get the chance I'll make the decision before she does. Sometimes, I think her position is so stupid on some things that I override it. This has been an issue, that we've talked about, and on which we fundamentally disagree. No resolution.

These last 4-5 years, it seems like we've withdrawn from one another. She kisses me when she leaves for work - very early in the morning, and says "I love you". It is very hard to say back - usually, I just pretend to be asleep - which isn't hard as I'm kind of groggy anyway.

I've got my music hobby - playing bass in my band, and mastering our demo recordings in the small home studio I set up in our third home here. Also, when my dad passed, I inherited a couple of his handguns, and got hooked on target shooting as a hobby too.

We sleep on opposite sides of a king-size bed. I've given up on sex with her - to this point, that it has become a point of concern on her part. But I feel no attraction to her - nothing. Me and my hand are well-acquainted at this point.

I tell myself that I am in it so I can be with my kids fulltime. If I stay until theyr'e grown up and moved out, there will be nothing left at that point - so it seems.

It feels like we are just two bodies living under the same roof. We don't do very much together - other than sitting in front of the TV or visiting her family - or school functions, sports for the kids.

I became emotionally involved with a girl over the last few years. We've been physical, have never gone all the way, and have always been safe. This relationship came to a head this week, as I had come to the realization that I wanted to be with her all the time - that I'm in love with her.

So I'm now working on backing off this side thing - as I know it is wrong. But it has been hard, and tearing me up inside. Comes in waves. I've had some very hard days, where I wonder if the high doses of the two antidepressants I take are doing anything at all.

My daughters are 13 1/2 and 8 now. The older one is a lot like me... and strangely enough, it is the traits that she's gotten from me that really piss my wife off. Generally, everything that starts from the basis of being more laid back. I'm very close with her. The younger one is more like my wife. She cries alot, and is very sensitive. I think she gets some of that from me. But I only see a little of myself in her. I love them both very much.

On the days where I have the kids, and my wife is at work or somewhere away, I have a great time with them. I feel good, I get them to help me around the house, and let them see their friends - and do things that my wife generally won't let them do. For example, my younger one riding her bike outside in front of the house - we live on a coldesac. Or dropping off my older one at the mall to hang out with her friends - even though I don't physically see them there when I drop her off. I got them both cell phones last year.

Its ridiculous. She wants them in by 8:30pm all summer long - sometimes earlier - even though it does not get dark until as late as 10pm at the height. There'll be lots of kids outside, but my wife wants them in. I think it is stupid.

I thought that when we got to empty nest, there would probably be nothing left between us, and I'd leave. But with all of the emotions I've been going through the last few days, I wonder if maybe I should do something sooner.

I'm so deathly afraid of having another nervous breakdown. I fear being alone. I fear that I will regret it and it will tear me up if I leave.

And then there are times where we have a laugh - on the sofa, in front of the TV.

I have got to try to get this girl out of my head. I've talked to her too, and her position is to stay clear, which I'm actually very thankful for. She won't say directly whether she has similar feelings toward me. But I do get some hints - just by little things. Directly, she says she's got too much going on to be really serious with anyone anyway.

I think I'm starting to repeat things, so I'll stop.

I'm considering separation (and actually have on and off for a few years now), which would probably end up being the end. My greatest concerns are my eight year-old, and my mental well being.

My wife has said that if something like that happened, it would be over for her.

Sometimes it feels like it is what I should do. Other times, it feels like it will be the biggest mistake I could possibly make. That I could stay comfortable, where I'm at indefinitely - except for the stress she seems to have an uncanny ability to manufacture, the "no sex" and the occasional fits of loneliness. I have my hobbies, and with them, a sense of having my own life.