Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Posts: 202 Location: gulf coast =), USA
Mother Is Hurting My Situation Posted: 11-25-07 18:34pm
or i'm letting her. she
has severe mental issues of her own, in
general. and all of my immediate family
are dysfunctional. she has a strong grip
on me and knows it. although, i am very
hot-headed and do state my opinion and
stance, even with mom. without going into
lengthy detail, she is able to manipulate
and make me crazy! she annoys/hurts me
deeply. but i know how fragile she is so i
am reluctant to distance myself.
would any of you be able to keep an
emotional and/or physical distance from
your mother, temporarily? even if you knew
you should for your own wellness?
AND if so, how??
|
Tylanas
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jul 2005 Posts: 12985
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 11-25-07 22:15pm
I did; but neither she nor I has any
mental problems. I kept pushing away my
parents for almost two years. Dumbest
mistake of my life. Your situation is
totally different, however so I can't
really advise what to do, other than if
you don't live at home, do the following:
1. Turn of the cell phone/ignore her
calls.
2. Don't respond on AIM or to e-mail.
3. Avoid contact in any situation.
4. Don't write letters or respond to
them.
That's what I did. Again, I feel I was
incredibly stupid for doing so, but it
worked.
|
Lion79
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Mar 2007 Posts: 303 Location: Sunderland, UK
Thanks: 2
Thanked:5
Posted: 11-26-07 18:44pm
If it's not one thing it's your mother
|
Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 3960 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 126
Thanked:12
Re: Mother Is Hurting My Situation Posted: 11-26-07 21:10pm
puzzld
wrote:
or i'm letting her. she
has severe mental issues of her own, in
general. and all of my immediate family
are dysfunctional. she has a strong grip
on me and knows it. although, i am very
hot-headed and do state my opinion and
stance, even with mom. without going into
lengthy detail, she is able to manipulate
and make me crazy! she annoys/hurts me
deeply. but i know how fragile she is so i
am reluctant to distance myself.
would any of you be able to keep an
emotional and/or physical distance from
your mother, temporarily? even if you knew
you should for your own wellness?
AND if so,
how??
Your situation mirrors mine growing up.
My mother was/is mentally ill, very
manipulative, hurtful, dysfunctional,
abusive, etc. My codependent father
perpetuated this.
I have separated myself from them for
going on ten years. Physically, that was
very easy. I moved away. I had not a
dime, just a small suitcase, but I knew I
had to get out of there. I stayed with
friends from college initially, and ended
up working three jobs and going to school
and graduating with my degree. I learned
that people will help you if you tell them
what's going on.
My parents were very angry, and made up
all kind of lies and attempted to destroy
my reputation amongst my community. I
would receive phone calls from my father,
who was calm at first, and then my mother
would get on and it would escalate. It
was slow, but I learned I had the power to
hang up the phone and not have to listen
to the abuse. It went similarily with
email. I blocked them from my email
account.
It was hard, but a big lesson I was
learning was that I am not powerless.
Having such a manipulative parent means
feeling like you have no power.
At the behest of my sweet grandmother, who
begs the family to reconcile, I attempted
to do this many times, but on my terms,
not theirs. They continue to be deceitful
and controlling and I cannot have a
relationship with anyone like this.
Emotionally...now, that is difficult.
Even if you are physically separated, you
will be emotionally affected your entire
life. I have dealt/am dealing with the
effects of her treatment of me, and I
think I am doing well, but it is a long
road.
They say kids are resilent if they have
some kind of strength going for them; I
was lucky enough to have talents in the
arts and that kept me afloat and motivated
to be healthy.
Emotionally you will have to work through
it- daily. Be reflective about your
actions and feelings. Ask yourself, "why
do I feel this way" or "why am I doing
this" within relationships. Are you
retaliating against their treatment, or
are you trying to empower yourself towards
a better life?
It is unfortunate for this to happen.
However, the only thing I feel is
grateful...grateful for the experience,
grateful for the ability to get out of it,
and grateful to be able to reflect
retrospectively and work through it.
I hope you are able to do what you need.
PM me if you ever need it.
|
puzzld
Supporter
Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Posts: 202 Location: gulf coast =), USA
Posted: 12-06-07 12:38pm
thanks so much for the support everyone!
i realized that part of the problem was
me. though, not all. what i mean to say is
that i do know that i have control over
who i allow in my life and to what degree.
i decided to tell her that i can't be the
one that everyone complains to right now.
and that i would be blunt with her when
she started to get down about family
stuff. i've always felt a great deal of
pressure to keep my family together but it
never works. so, i have to realize that i
can't keep trying to hold them together
anymore. in addition, i now cut her off
before she gets me worked up. so far that
seems to be working. and i don't have to
feel like i'm hurting anyone. i know that
it's hard on the other side of things...
the people we love sometimes think that we
don't care. it's not that we don't, it is
unfortunately that we can't for our own
well being. we have to help ourselves
first, especially when we are sick.
Birch - i'm very sorry that you have to go
through that on top of being sick. it is a
very lonely place to be, i know.
|
haille
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Nov 2007 Posts: 81
Re: Mother Is Hurting My Situation Posted: 12-09-07 14:08pm
Birch
wrote:
puzzld
wrote:
or i'm letting her. she
has severe mental issues of her own, in
general. and all of my immediate family
are dysfunctional. she has a strong grip
on me and knows it. although, i am very
hot-headed and do state my opinion and
stance, even with mom. without going into
lengthy detail, she is able to manipulate
and make me crazy! she annoys/hurts me
deeply. but i know how fragile she is so i
am reluctant to distance myself.
would any of you be able to keep an
emotional and/or physical distance from
your mother, temporarily? even if you knew
you should for your own wellness?
AND if so,
how??
Your situation mirrors mine growing up.
My mother was/is mentally ill, very
manipulative, hurtful, dysfunctional,
abusive, etc. My codependent father
perpetuated this.
I have separated myself from them for
going on ten years. Physically, that was
very easy. I moved away. I had not a
dime, just a small suitcase, but I knew I
had to get out of there. I stayed with
friends from college initially, and ended
up working three jobs and going to school
and graduating with my degree. I learned
that people will help you if you tell them
what's going on.
My parents were very angry, and made up
all kind of lies and attempted to destroy
my reputation amongst my community. I
would receive phone calls from my father,
who was calm at first, and then my mother
would get on and it would escalate. It
was slow, but I learned I had the power to
hang up the phone and not have to listen
to the abuse. It went similarily with
email. I blocked them from my email
account.
It was hard, but a big lesson I was
learning was that I am not powerless.
Having such a manipulative parent means
feeling like you have no power.
At the behest of my sweet grandmother, who
begs the family to reconcile, I attempted
to do this many times, but on my terms,
not theirs. They continue to be deceitful
and controlling and I cannot have a
relationship with anyone like this.
Emotionally...now, that is difficult.
Even if you are physically separated, you
will be emotionally affected your entire
life. I have dealt/am dealing with the
effects of her treatment of me, and I
think I am doing well, but it is a long
road.
They say kids are resilent if they have
some kind of strength going for them; I
was lucky enough to have talents in the
arts and that kept me afloat and motivated
to be healthy.
Emotionally you will have to work through
it- daily. Be reflective about your
actions and feelings. Ask yourself, "why
do I feel this way" or "why am I doing
this" within relationships. Are you
retaliating against their treatment, or
are you trying to empower yourself towards
a better life?
It is unfortunate for this to happen.
However, the only thing I feel is
grateful...grateful for the experience,
grateful for the ability to get out of it,
and grateful to be able to reflect
retrospectively and work through it.
I hope you are able to do what you need.
PM me if you ever need
it.
I have never experience this situation.
But I read through the thread because I
like to be aware and broaden my horizons
on just about every issue.
I wanted to tell you that not only was
your post touching, it was thorough and
sound advice.
I just wanted to tell you that you should
feel elated about your strength and make
sure that you continue to nurture and
develop your strength.
she
has severe mental issues of her own, in
general. and all of my immediate family
are dysfunctional. she has a strong grip
on me and knows it. although, i am very
hot-headed and do state my opinion and
stance, even with mom. without going into
lengthy detail, she is able to manipulate
and make me crazy! she annoys/hurts me
deeply. but i know how fragile she is so i
am reluctant to distance myself. 
