Am I In It For the Right Reasons? Posted: 11-26-07 02:38am
Im currently 27, in the Army, and have
been married for 4 years. We dated off
and on in High School (nothing realy
serious) and afterwards I moved away and
so did she. We both ended up in bad
relationships and ended up moving back to
our home town around the same time. We
got back together since we were both on
the rebound. I never intended for it to
be more than a fling.
A few monts after we got together she got
pregnant. We still werent going to get
married. Instead we were just gonna play
it by ear. We soon realized that me not
having insurance (I was a bartender) wasnt
going to work well for our baby. So I
joined the Army.
Now the Army requires that if you have a
kid you either have to sign full custody
over to the other parent or you have to be
married. Basicaly they dont allow single
parents to join. So I bit the bullet and
we got married.
Now four years later I feel Im coming to a
crossroad. My wife is very good to me.
She has ambition and is on her way to a
great career. Is a great mother. And she
adores me. I can basicaly do no wrong in
her eyes.
I know this all sounds well and good but
the only problem is, I dont love her. Ive
tried and tried. I just kept expecting
that with time the heart would come
around. But it hasnt. But I do love my
daughter dearly. She is my world. And
most times thats enough. But there are
time when I wonder why I live without a
true partner.
I didnt realy notvie this to much until my
first deployment and I was saying goodbye
to my family. When I was kissing my wife
goodbye I felt nothing. It was almost
like I was saying goodbye to a casual
friend not a lover. Now when I turned to
pick my daughter up and kiss her goodbye,
thats what almost put me to tears. I
could tell right then that something wasnt
right. Now that Ive started my second
deployment I noticed the same thing. I
just seems that nothings there.
I feel a bit odd posting this here because
I normaly dont talk about my feelings much
due to my job. But with the annonimity of
the internet I guess its a bit easier.
Anyways any advice or input would be
welcome, because this will be the only
place Im willing to talk about it.
Thanks in Advance.
|
panicballoon
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2008 Posts: 10 Location: Chino Hills, CA USA
Posted: 01-31-08 01:03am
it seems like for your situation it was
the best thing that you could do, and
possibly the only option to give the best
life possible for your family. It's
understandable why you have to be married
or give full custody over to the mother to
join the army. What happens if you die?
There needs to be someone there for your
baby.
I think you made the right decision
considering the circumstances. Whether or
not the situation will change soon, I
can't say. But if you are in your 2nd
deployment currently, now would not be the
best time to get a divorce.
You're probably going to have to wait for
a while to find someone that you
romantically love. I think you love your
wife, but you are not in love with her,
it's like a friendship love. For your
situation, I think you did make a good
choice, but it def. was not without a
sacarfice. You do have love in your life
though, through your daughter.
hope that helps.
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 02-27-08 14:44pm
Well you did what you thought was best at
the time and who knows, maybe it *was* the
right decision. Are you out of the army
now? I know you can't love someone if you
just don't feel it and ya can't make
someone love you. If it isn't there, it
isn't there. Have you spoken to her about
this?
|
Fairy*Godmother
Supporter
Joined: 11 Oct 2003 Posts: 1343 Location: , Georgia USA
Thanks: 39
Thanked:42
I totallly agree Posted: 02-27-08 14:57pm
I have to jump on the train with
panicbaloon on this one. I for one take my
hats off to you.....I wear several hats in
my family. You stepped up to the plate,
and did a manly thing when you found out
your wife was pregnant. I am proud of you
and I wish to thank you and every other
service person out there who is defending
this great country....now back to your
situation...You have been in this marriage
for 4 years. If you are seriously
considering ending htis relationship with
your wife to "find true love", then you
need to do it now. Whats gonna happen when
you go back home and she ends up pregnant
again? This could really throw a wrench
into your plans. I do think you love your
wife, you are just not IN LOVE with her.
You feel comfortable with her. Marriage
takes two people, and you had to have seen
something in her years ago.....its still
there, you just have to work at it. I know
you can't make someone LOVE someone
else......I've been though 3 nasty
marriages until I got it right this time.
This time we have been together 15
years...There are days I feel I am not IN
LOVE with him.......but i know I do love
him because when he is away on business
trips....I find myself almost to
tears...You are gonna have to do some soul
searching, and if that answer is go, then
GO...get off the pot and go. Its not fair
to you, your wife or your children to stay
in a loveless marriage. I wish you all the
luck in this world!
|
movinon
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Apr 2008 Posts: 1
Yes, you're in it for the wrong reason Posted: 04-06-08 23:06pm
Although you took responsibility for your
actions in which you should be proud of,
your relationship as a husband, not as a
father, will suffer because of the lack of
love you feel for your wife.
There is nothing wrong with admitting how
you truly feel. There is something wrong
with pretending.
You can still support your child by adding
him/her as a dependent on your military
record.
Continuing to be a good father should help
ease your wife's pain if and when you
decide to let her down. Let her down easy
if you do because as you stated you both
got together on a rebound. Women take
these emotional roller coasters harder
than men.
You could continue to try like others have
suggested, but you've already tried and
then the question remains "Do I want to
live like this for the rest of my life?"
This question is what I pose to myself
when I have to make the decision to move
on.
|
alien
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2008 Posts: 4
Posted: 07-12-08 11:36am
you've already tried really hard to work
things out by just accepting
responsibility but it sounds like
everything's falling apart because you
sacrificed your own happiness. there might
still be hope for you to love your wife.
time isn't everything that's needed.
I guess feelings of love is triggered by
different things in different people and
while she seems to be loving in a way,
she's not giving you what you need. admit
to her that there's a problem. suggest
marriage counseling or try to figure out
in another way what would make you love
someone. a willingness to try to work
things out together should be more
appreciated by her than if you just leave
her because you bottled all your feelings
up for this long.
The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author, and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made.
Schizophreniahealth
This page was last updated on June 11, 2008
