Feeling Lonely after breakup Posted: 11-28-07 00:07am
Hi -
Hope I can get a good conversation going
and get some good advice on my situation.
Exactly 10 years ago, I got involved in a
relationship that was really rocky. I
consider my partner to be very warm,
giving, passionate, very friendly,
outgoing. But one who also used to have
alot of insecurities about self. So about
6 months into the relationship, due to a
situation, the trust factor was broken for
all the wrong reasons...and I had to work
day and night...fly to the moon and come
back to be able to get that trust back.
The whole situation broke me down....got
me into a depression because my partner
did not want to speak to me at all.....and
I couldn't stand the loss. Well it's now
10 years later, I have put up with alot of
relationship rollercoaster rides....and
now, because of some reason - which has
not been clearly communicated to me yet -
I'm back on the shelf again. I asked my
partner if I've done something to upset
them..and their reply was "have too much
to deal with and do not want to deal with
this one now". I don't even bother
calling anymore or text messaging because
I get only 2 replies out of 10 messages
sent. So...I decided "enough is enough"
and I'm tired of being a "yo-yo" toy for
someone. So, I decided to end this
whatever this thing is. The challenge I'm
having now....is the thought that my
partner is out making new friends (and I
know that is true) and they are surrounded
with friends and going out and having a
good time. I, on the other hand, am
struggling to even like the people to make
friends with. I feel like no one measures
up to my partner - or they're not good
enough. I'm also the type of a person
that "someone has to come and take my hand
to be their friend".....and I've always
been this way even since kindergarden. I
certainly have tried to go ask someone for
their friendship...but I feel a bit
insecure about myself I guess that I think
"does this person really want to be my
friend"? So, if they come after me, that
makes me think "they came after me so they
must like me or want me to be their
friend".
So....now I'm looking for a close
friend....that I can feel comfortable
opening up to and being around each other
all the time. I want to stop thinking
about my previous partner and what their
life could be like now....or thinking is
their life better than me.
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entices1
Supporter
Joined: 25 Apr 2007 Posts: 120 Location: North Florida, USA
Re: Feeling Lonely After Breakup Posted: 12-01-07 20:15pm
Hi:
I'm so sorry about what happened to you.
I'm not terribly outgoing, either. If I'm
invited to a party where the only person
I'll know is the host/hostess I won't go.
I'm certain I'm missing out on new
opportunities but that's the way I've been
for 50 years and I don't think I'm going
to change.
That being said, I suggest the first thing
you do is do your best to put your partner
out of your mind. That is the hardest
thing to do as a start but if you compare
each new person you meet to what you think
your partner's good qualities are, you'll
never get anywhere (my, how my sentences
*do* run on!).
What are you looking for from people?
What do you have to offer?
It sounds like you need to stand on your
own two feet and don't define yourself in
terms of other people ("needing someone to
hold your hand"). You have to be
comfortable in your own skin and be
friends with yourself first. If you can't
like yourself (good qualities, as well as
bad), then you'll never like anyone else.
There are going to be times, now is one of
them, that there won't be anyone around to
hold your hand to get through a bad time.
You have to have to hold your own hand,
grit your teeth, and slog through, step by
step. It's scary but it's also terribly
exhilarating.
*You* are in charge of your own destiny.
You are at a crossroads and it's up to you
to decide which way to go. You'll make
mistakes (I've made more than my share of
them, I don't mind saying) but that's how
you learn. Nothing that's forced can ever
be right; if it doesn't come naturally,
leave it. You can change directions at
any time if you find the way you're going
isn't working out.
Friendship is built over time; close
friendship takes longer. A friendship is
no different than any other relationship;
in fact, the basis of any serious
relationship is friendship. It's give and
take, sharing good times and bad. But
it's *not* clingy. In the beginning it
might feel great to have someone calling
you day and night needing to stay in touch
with you but after awhile you'd get tired
of it because it's not equal. Friendship
is overall equality--one person may be
better at something than the other but the
other has a talent the first doesn't and
they learn from each other.
What you might want to consider is joining
something "easy" like a book club, or
volunteering your time somewhere, or
taking up a new hobby. You'll meet people
who will have at least one thing in common
with you and that's a good start. Once
you fill your time with something that is
satisfying you'll think less and less of
your partner. Over time your circle of
friends will grow and, while the memory of
partner may never be completely erased it
will become very dim. When you look back
to this time you'll wonder how you let
yourself stay this way for so long.
The ball is in your court, my dear. Time
to run with it!
Good luck and please keep posting.
|
Gr8Friend
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Nov 2007 Posts: 4
Hi Posted: 12-03-07 02:52am
Wow - I want to thank you for a number of
reasons. First, replying. Second, I can
tell I'm getting this response back from
someone who is wise and is speaking from
years of experience, understood me and
showed me the true path.
Interestingly, after I posted my thoughts
and feelings, almost the same instance and
even the day after, I started realizing a
few things about myself, my partner and
whatever this friendship/relationship we
had. It helped me a lot in seeing and
accepting the reality. And I also came to
the same thought that you stated in your
reply, that I can't compare new people to
my friend, nor can I be thinking
constantly about how far ahead my friend's
life is or could be than me - who they're
socializing with or what's new in their
life. I also realized that I wasn't
accepting of others - evethough they were
really great people and yet I was too deep
into making my friend with all their bad
qualities...be like the greatest person
that entered my life. I think, like you
said, I wasn't liking myself enough, and
always found myself at fault in everything
that went wrong. Liking myself and being
confident is something I have to work on -
and now that I have to go out and build
new frienships, boy, that's one exercise
I'll be practicing over and over again.
One thing that the relationship never had
was friendship - although I was working
really hard at sustaining it and making it
like frienship/relationship, the basic
foundation cracked in the first 6 months.
My friend, happens to be charismatic and
upon entry into any room of crowded
people, it's amazing they are able to draw
people to self. I, on the other hand, do
not think I have that talent, so I tried
to learn a few things from my friend and
"be like them"....now I learn, that didn't
do me any good afterall....altering my own
persona and character....to be like
someone else. In anycase, my friend is
also very needy of attention, which means
if I drew more people to me than my
friend, then it was bad news. So, I was
accused of "you learned so many things
from me"....
In anycase, I won't bore with details that
may seem insignificant to you and may have
you shaking your head. It has me shaking
my head now to a degree when I think about
it. So I guess that's good news.
But I'm finding that there are a lot of
layers of realization that I may go
through. I feel like each layer
represents some pain or some limitation
that I put up with for years and now I'm
realizing it one at a time and removing
that layer. Before, it used to be that I
would count # of days, that we had not
spoken and I would get more and more
down....I may do that now a little, but as
the # of days increase, I feel more like
it is a good thing and that I'm getting
further and further away from the past.
Nevertheless, there are some days, that I
do miss the great, fun, sweet times we
had, (because right now there isn't anyone
that I'm doing that with or anyone that
has taken that place for me) but I know
and accepted that for now my life may not
be what it was, but there are alot of
other smaller things (that I look for)
that are great and that brings a smile to
my face. I also know and accepted that my
friend and I were really 2 different
people.
to me !
|
entices1
Supporter
Joined: 25 Apr 2007 Posts: 120 Location: North Florida, USA
I Am So Very Proud of You! Posted: 12-04-07 18:46pm
First off, thank you for the kind words.
It's nice to know that the things I went
through in my past weren't in vain.
It's very difficult to take the first step
away from someone. At times it feels like
even a bad relationship is better than no
relationship at all (I speak from
experience). Sometimes the right thing to
do is also the hardest thing to do.
Each day will get better, as you are
finding. It always helps if you can find
something to celebrate in each day: a
sunrise, a pretty flower, a song on the
radio, having a piece of chocolate. I'm
not talking about sonnets and symphonies,
I'm talking about things you may have
overlooked the past while. If you can
find joy in the small things, imagine how
much better things will be when the big
things come along.
The layers will come off over time and you
will go through quite a learning process,
but you will come out such a better person
and you, too, will be offering a shoulder
to someone who is going through what you
already have.
Good luck, and congratulations!
|
Gr8Friend
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Nov 2007 Posts: 4
Posted: 12-05-07 03:33am
Hello again. It's almost 12:30am. I'm up
at this time, because I got home around
midnight from a holiday party and I need a
little time to wind down and be able to
fall asleep. The holiday party was hosted
by a non-profit organization which our
cirlce of friends attend their functions
or events on a regular basis. I had a
nice time. It used to be that at these
gatherings, I would go and always have an
eye out on my friend/partner to see who is
talking to them or who they're talking to
and etc. Luckily, my friend did not show
up and I was happy. I was alot more
relaxed. I was concerned how I should act
and be and what should I say if we passed
by each other at the gathering. But good
thing they were not there. I do wish
sometimes if someone could rest assure me
I would never see my friend again. It
would just put my mind at ease. This way I
could completely put the past behind. I
also imagine if my friend came up to me or
ran into me during one of these gatherings
and started making small talk...I don't
think I have the heart to be cold and mean
towards them and be the same way they were
towards me. I'm just not like that
towards anybody. I actually would have to
work on being like that and I dont know if
I can do that.
It's very difficult to take the first step
away from someone. At times it feels like
even a bad relationship is better than no
relationship at all (I speak from
experience). Sometimes the right thing to
do is also the hardest thing to do.
Each day will get better, as you are
finding. It always helps if you can find
something to celebrate in each day: a
sunrise, a pretty flower, a song on the
radio, having a piece of chocolate. I'm
not talking about sonnets and symphonies,
I'm talking about things you may have
overlooked the past while. If you can find
joy in the small things, imagine how much
better things will be when the big things
come along.
The layers will come off over time and you
will go through quite a learning process,
but you will come out such a better person
and you, too, will be offering a shoulder
to someone who is going through what you
already have.
Good luck, and congratulations
|
Gr8Friend
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Nov 2007 Posts: 4
Hello Again Posted: 12-19-07 00:03am
Dear Entices1,
Hope you're doing well. I wanted to wish
you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
I'll be spending Christmas with family in
San Diego - I have 2 older brothers both
of whom have their own families. It's
great. I have 2 nephews and 1 niece. It's
going to be great.
On the other hand, I had a real tough time
over last weekend. A small circle of our
friends decided to get together for tea
and invited me and my ex-friend. I really
had a tough time deciding if I can handle
seeing my friend specially in such a close
setting as sitting around a table and
having afternoon tea. Nonetheless, I
decided to. However, I found out from our
mutual friend that when my ex-friend heard
I was coming, they decided to not show up.
I'm not sure exactly why - whether they
just hated to be on the same table and
sitting across from me or whether they
couldn't handle the situation like I was.
In anycase, I started to feel bad because
I thought my friend must be going a
difficult time like I am. Then I heard
later that they're actually throwing a
christmas party this weekend and invited
all of my friends. Ofcourse I was not
expecting to be invited but it just hurt
me that it appears that they're moving on
with their lives and I'm still kind of
stuck and hurting a bit and I felt bad
that they decided not to show up to tea.
And yesterday was a real difficult day for
me. I really hope I will get over this
permanently and quickly.
to me !