Well, I dont have any experience as a therapist, but I understand how much this has hurt you emotionally, I have many friends that were in the same situation as you are now, & I just want to tell you that its normal what your feeling now, such a thing to happen to a child, ofcourse you will be affected by this... you will never fully mentaly recover from this, but in time you will learn to face your fears & get through each day easier.

I dont want to say anything that will make you feel even worse, so im going to be positive...

YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS, I KNOW YOU CAN!! some people result in self-harming or other solutions, but you are strong willed, I can sense it!!
trust me, all ends well!!

yeah i know. I have faith that it will be ok and I am sooo much better than I was even 6 months ago. I just hate feeling so nasty and dirty. I love myself and my boyfriend, I feel guilty that such bad things have touched our relationship. I feel guilty that I am broken and not "normal." What is normal though, huh?

its just frustrating. Thanks for the support. I read you profile and it sounds like life hasnt been easy to you either. So stay strong, you still have you entire life ahead of you....PM anytime

Awww, thanx, but your the 1 who needs the suport lol
You are normal, everyone is normal & everyone has problems,
also you are unique and specail as is everyone!!
I am sad to hear you feel nasty & dirty, cos you are the
victim, and you need support to make you feel better.

I dont want to get too personal, but have you ever talked to anyone
about what happened to you?
because I think its better out than in, lol

Ive been in a mental health unit & met lots of ppl who are now my friends
and some of them were in the same situation as you are, and they suffered with flashbacks and were really emotionaly hurt by what had happened to them.
so i think you must be really hurt too, and sometimes what ppl need is a
person who understands them and is willing to listen.

if you ever need to talk or just chat then you can pm me too

xxxHUGS xxx

Yeah I went to therapy for almost a year. It helped, but those feelings never really went away.....

I can relate to you a LOT. When I was a little girl, I was sexually molested as well. This led me into a downfall of bad thoughts and a fear of being touched. In fact, other then the man who abused me, I didn't let another person even touch me "down there" until I was eighteen, and I didn't lose my virginity until a year after that.

Right now I am lucky because I am with someone who is patient and loving, just like your husband seems to be. He knows that after we make love to hold me. He knows not to push if I randomly get scared and don't want it anymore. The same thing happens to me; I'll be in the mood and mid-make out when all of a sudden I mentally freak out and don't want it anymore.

What seems to help me is remembering that Mike is not like my molester. He cares for me and loves me. He holds me while I fall asleep every night. When I get scared, I ask him to help me calm down and he looks in my eyes and strokes my face and lets me know everything is okay. Sometimes we'll get back into it and make love, and sometimes we won't, but in the end he makes me feel human and safe again.

It is getting better and happening less as time goes on. Just try to remember how different and special your man is, and get lost in his eyes as often as you can. Don't sweat it when you freak out. It's bound to happen since you went through so much trauma. Just keep on doing the best you can do. Good luck. I'm sorry you went through all of that

yeah the same thing happened to me. I never even touched a penis until I was at least 18. Yeah weird huh? I would just let him do what he had to do and just lay there until he was done. I never explored his body or nothing. (by him I mean the person who hurt me) Its different now with Daniel I am not scared of his body.

I havent tried looking into his eyes at all. I usually am so ashamed that I hide, I bury my face in the covers or cover myself. I feel so bad that its hard to look him into the eye. I would rather curl up and disappear. But I will try that next time this happens. It seems like it will help bring back the intimacy. Is that how you feel?

Yeah. On the subject of eye contact, I've always been horrible with it. Friends/family/males would always complain that I couldn't look them in the eye and/or hold it. I'm not sure if that had anything to do with the sexual abuse or not, but it was definitely a problem for me. I couldn't look Mike in the eyes for awhile when we first started dating, but he got me to realize its okay and now I get lost in them and feel safe. It helps bring back an intimacy and a connection that I can't really describe.

If it is hard looking into his eyes straight on, maybe try taking a few glances at them while he isn't looking directly at you to get used to the idea, or just do it a few seconds at a time. I find comfort in his eyes like I do in his embrace.

It is a big step in itself that you were able to overcome everything and be able to be with Daniel intimately, and not only that, but more than one time. Although you still sometimes feel that fear rising within you, you have been taking huge steps to getting over that fear. It is wonderful that he is so understanding to your situation and that you two work together so well and are able to form that trust.