Bp G/f of 6 Months Wants a Break. Just How Should I Handle This? Posted: 12-01-07 18:30pm
I've been going out with my girlfriend for
six months. She was upfront with me from
the start that she suffers from manic
depression. She's on Lithium daily and
another drug and annually sees a psych to
make sure everything is in check.
Recently though she's moved into her own
place and this seems to have brought on
more depressive episodes. Recently she has
been extremely caught up on my past
relationship - I was going out with a girl
long term, we broke up and then I met her.
What she can't get over is how I 'got
over' this past relationship so quickly -
I told her that I didn't - that I grieved
and cried and hurt. She can't seem to
accept this though - it's like her brain
is 'stuck'.
Last night we were talking about it again
and she started shaking, wanted to throw a
glass at the wall and she kept saying
'it's in my head, it's in my head'. She
believes me - but it's like her mind won't
let her 'believe' it.
I had never seen one of these 'psychotic
episodes' - as she called it - but I was
supportive and comforting but I could see
she was in a LOT of mental pain.
Then at the end of our long discussion she
asked if we could 'just be friends for a
while'? At first I was shocked but soon
pulled myself together.
She said she needs to go into her own
world for a bit, hibernate and get her
thoughts together. She said she doesn't
like partners seeing her in this state -
and she just wants a bit of 'space' to
work these thoughts through. She also said
she can't handle the 'expectation' to work
this out straight away.
So I've agreed to give her 'time' - she
still wants to remain friends and hang out
together and we both agreed we didn't want
to 'lose each other'.
I spoke to her today and just let her know
I wasn't going anywhere and she can talk
to me anytime. To which she replied
'Thankyou but I don't think I feel like
talking yet and I don't have any answers'.
I said 'that's fine'. She said 'I just
need to lie down on grass and think'.
She's also been sleeping a hell of a lot
since that night together and she is under
quite a bit of stress at work.
I keep trying to tell myself this isn't
about me - that she's not rejecting me -
this is about her and her illness and what
else can I do except still be her friend,
don't pressure her and hope she'll give us
a second chance once she 'sorts herself
out'? It's quite a balance though to 'be
there for her' but 'give her space' at the
same time. By the way - two nights before
she was telling me I had all the qualities
she was always looking for in a man - then
'bang' - I'm on the outer...
UPDATE - A WEEK LATER:
My girlfriend rang me tonight and asked if
I wanted to come over to talk. So I did
and we've just finished talking after 5
hours. I was able to ask her a lot of
questions in a very caring and supportive
manner - although I did back off when I
could see her start to struggle.
The areas she got nervous about are 'if
her drugs are working' and her
psychiatrist (she only sees him once a
year) - although she is going to 'try' and
book in with him next week..
She basically wants a 'break' because she
feels having a relationship is putting too
much 'pressure' on her at the moment. And
that word kept coming up again and again
and again - 'PRESSURE'. And yet this was
one of the things I tried most hard to
avoid - putting 'pressure' on her to be a
'girlfriend'. It was her who made the
first move on ME and decided to move in
with me until she bought her new apartment
- not me - and I never ASKED if she wanted
to stay - I always let her DECIDE - simply
because I didn't want her to feel
'pressured'. As I had come out of a long
term relationship - she also 'felt
pressure' to 'live up' to my past
girlfriend - again I had reassured her
that I was after something TOTALLY
different. I also remembered I noticed a
while ago she hadn't seen some friends for
a while - so I told her to keep in touch
with them (basically saying she didn't
have to be with ME all of the time). And
she feels 'pressure' that we work for the
same company (although we never see each
other)...and she felt pressure that I told
her I 'loved' her a while back...
So she loved everything we had - but also
felt it was too much to deal with. She
needs this 'break' to 'isolate herself and
find out who she is again'. I asked why
it's only me she wants to isolate herself
from - not her friends and family and she
replied 'well they don't ask questions why
I'm doing it' (they wouldn't know I
suspect...)
She knew I had been reading a lot on BP
and when I asked her if she wants me to
print anything out she said - 'no maybe
when I'm better'. I reinforced to her that
I'm in this for the long haul - and it
seemed to please her I was in quite a good
mood - again she said that if I was down
and depressed she would see this as
'pressure' to get back together again
straight away.
But we did have lots of laughs and what
can I say - the spark is certainly there
and she doesn't think this is 'over' but
still needs this 'break' and 'space'.
Although she did confirm she has done this
to other boyfriends - she doesn't think
there is a pattern...hmmmmm. I tried to
bring up the fact that this 'breaking up'
behaviour could be due to her bipolar -
but she either didn't understand or didn't
want to understand.
When I asked her why she suddenly 'sprung'
this break on me - she said she had 'no
choice' - it was either this or
'madness'.
UPDATE - ANOTHER WEEK LATER:
she came into my office to see how I was
the other day - I told her I was doing OK
- she then said - 'Oh God - stop looking
at me with those eyes - it makes me want
to kiss you so bad'!!!
I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I
told her I wanted to kiss her too - then
she said she's going to book in for her
labotomy next week! The spark between us
was amazing but I stopped things going any
further in case this brought back any
'pressure' feeling in moving too quickly
again.
But I couldn't believe she had flipped
this QUICKLY!!
Then the next morning she rang saying she
was having an anxiety attack. She went to
her professor's retirement dinner last
night and it was a MAJOR trigger. She used
to be a scientist - which she loved - but
had to give it up because the Bipolar hit
hard. And she's never really got over this
loss...
She rang me in quite a state - wanting me
to just talk to her - I then went over
there and made us a cup of tea - - and
just kept talking gently to her -
reaffirming her. She was pacing, couldn't
sit down and vomiting - lots of deep
breathing. She let me give her a hug - but
it still took her a while to calm down. I
convinced her to go to work - and she said
she'd put on her 'work mask' (so
true...).
I asked her if she had booked in with her
psychiatrist and she said 'she forgot' -
oh God - I've told her I want her to do it
ASAP. In fact - in retrospect I should
have made her call then and there - darn
it!
She's left work to go home and sleep this
afternoon - it really exhausted her and I
know she didn't sleep much last night.
She called this an 'anxiety attack' but
could it have been something more
serious?
Weird thing was when she rang me on the
weekend - she was a bit distant again - no
talk of catching up or anything.
This is definately rapid cycling isn't
it?
And her brother goes overseas next week
which will be a BIG TRIGGER for her...
The rollercoaster continues...thanks for
reading - just had to get some of this off
my chest - any advice appreciated. Cheers
Scott
|
scottyteal
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2007 Posts: 2
Posted: 12-09-07 03:59am
Update:
Good news - we had a great chat this week
and whilst talking about her Bipolar, I
was able to get to realise just how
neglectful she had been and that whatever
meds she's on and psych treatment she is
getting (which is none!) - it's NOT
working. So she agreed to see a new doctor
AND psychiatrist! (She actually admitted
to me she hasn't see a psych in 2 years!)
I booked her in to see my doctor this
morning which went really well - she felt
quite relieved to be able to discuss her
current situation and panic attacks. She's
also booked in for a blood test - the
results of which she will get back next
week.
The doctor has also suggested if she can't
get into a psych straight away - she will
see her herself on a therapy basis.
But I know we're not out of the woods. She
was in a very good mood today and
yesterday but her brother is going
overseas indefinately tomorrow which may
have a significant impact on her.
But hopefully this is all a step in the
right direction. And as far as 'we' are
concerned - bizarrely even though she
considers a relationship far to much
'pressure' at the moment - we've never
been closer. I hope psych care can help
her ally this fear and take away some of
that perceived 'pressure'.
Thanks friends, Scott
|
tokissornot
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Dec 2007 Posts: 2
Posted: 12-09-07 04:32am
Wow - you are a really great guy to stick
with her and try to work through this.
Hopefully one day she'll realize how lucky
she is.
|
ebaris
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Dec 2007 Posts: 13
Posted: 12-11-07 17:13pm
I've just been diagnosed with Bipolar
disorder, have been in therapy for a while
now, and completely understand what you're
going through, or at least what she is
going through since i'm on that side of
it.
First of all, like the last poster, you
should know that you really are an amazing
boyfriend, and that whatever happens won't
be your fault at all.
It's quite sad for me to read your post
because I recognize so many of the same
behaviors I've exhibited in my past
relationships. It sounds like you've been
on quite the rollercoaster with her. I
don't know if it'll help at all, since you
sound like you're doing the best you can,
but hopefully I'll be able to shed some
light on how she's feeling.
One of the hardest things to deal with
when you've got Bipolar disorder is the
unpredictability. I don't know how I'm
going to feel tomorrow, or next week, so
as a result, I become very commitment shy.
My last boyfriend wasn't right for me, but
looking back, he was a wonderful guy and
really did the best he could with me. He
went through quite a few ups and downs
with me, but I hit a a series of violent
episodes that alternately had me feeling
like I couldn't handle the "pressure" of
being in a relationship (it's a pretty
accurate description) and feeling
disgusted by him.
When I am depressed, I literally cannot
deal with anyone. I have major guilt trips
when I am in relationships because I know
that not only am i very difficult to deal
with, in these states, i can't be a
girlfriend at all. I'm emotionally absent
and cannot provide the support, or
encouragement, or care that that i require
from him. That's probably why your
girlfriend doesn't like to go through her
episodes with her partners, we feel like
it's simply not fair to you. Simple things
like calling your significant other every
day or asking how they feel are simply not
possible because we can barely deal with
the incredible pain inside. Sleeping is
mostly all we want to do (and eat like six
regular and huge meals a day for me)
because it takes no energy and we can't do
much harm to anyone around us when we
sleep.
As for the other pole, i guess this is
going to sound worse. It's not that we're
fickle, or maybe it is..but i think it has
something to do with our ego trips. When
i'm manic, i really think that I'm the
most beautiful, smartest, most charming
girl in the world, regardless of what
reaction i get from the world. Thus, i
become disgusted with my boyfriends,
thinking they are SO below me and that i
can and should do much better. Medication
will help this, but one problem is that
these manics are sometimes addictive. We
feel great, so what's wrong with it? It's
great at the beginning but I soon begin to
feel crazy and wired, often from lack of
sleep and constant agitation, after which
i often fall into a depressive phase, shut
out the world and sleep.
i do have a tendency also to lapse into a
manic phase and pull away from my
boyfriend, only to go running back to him
when I'm depressed and lonely. As for
panic attacks, they OFTEN come right along
with BD. I used to get panic attacks out
of nowhere, just watching TV with my ex.
All of a sudden, I'd feel trapped and feel
the intense need to get the hell out of
wherever i am and just be alone. there's
really nothing to do but wait for them to
subside.
She should definitely see a pdoc if she
hasn't in two years. Also, I think it's
pretty rare for them to prescribe her only
lithium, since BD is often treated with a
cocktail consisting of a mood stabilizer
(lithium or depakote), an anti-depressant,
and sometimes an anti-anxiety. That could
be an issue.
For what it's worth, we don't mean to be
erratic, and most of us would like NOTHING
better than to be consistent for once in
anything that we do. Give her her space,
especially if she's going to be figuring
out meds and stabilizing her moods, she
might resent you if she feels like you're
smothering her. Or, if she allows it, you
can accompany her to therapy, which I hear
often helps the "significant other" deal
with living with dr jekyll.
I hope it all works out, hang in there,
and thanks for being nice to one of us : )
|
ebaris
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Dec 2007 Posts: 13
Posted: 12-11-07 17:26pm
oh, as for the ex-girlfriend jealousy
thing, yeah, i had the same issue for
whatever reason. you're absolutely right
about her "knowing" but not internalizing
it, it's almost impossible for us to do
so. There are a ton of things i "know"
rationally, but i can't convince myself of
them nomatter how hard i try. at the end
of the day, emotion and gut is going to
win out. but, if it's completely
unfounded, i eventually forget about
hangups, so maybe she phase it out.
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