Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Albuquerque
I Have No Idea What to Do? Posted: 12-04-07 10:29am
I have a real long story to tell. I will
condense as much as possible. I have no
idea how I should be feeling right now and
would like some input on my situation.
I have been with my girlfriend for going
on 6years now. We met through work and
began a relationship during a low time in
my life when I was heavily into drinking
and drugs. I told her at the beginning
that I didn't want to get involved because
I knew she had two kids and I wasn't ready
to jump into a family situation. I was
using drugs and alcohol a lot and wasn't
ready to be any kind of father. Well one
thing led to another and she persude me
relentlessly and here it is six years
later and we have a daughter who will be
three in Jan. I basically got thrown into
a family situation at the age of 22. Her
daughter began living with us and her sun
came on weekends. Then we had a daughter
and so now I am a 25 year old male with
three kids ages 10/9/2.75! I don't think
I have ever been in love with my
girlfriend she is a great friend and I
care about her deeply but have never felt
love there. I love her kids more and more
and decided that they deserve better so I
have been in this for the kids for quite
some time. We bought a house and my gf
stopped working when my daughter was born
and I have been busting my ass to provide
the best life I can for what I consider to
be my family for going on three years now.
I recently found out some very disturbing
things about my GF past that she had lied
to me. She has three kids from three
different dads. She has been completely
dishonest with me about her sexual
history. She had a very "rough" life and
this caused her to have what she describes
as "many" sexual partners. She had
previously told me that she had had a
handful of partners now I find that this
is not near the truth......five years
later.....one kid later and now her
daughter and her son both live with me
because her ex-husband gave up custody
because he knew that living with us was a
more stable environment for his kid. None
of the fathers pay child support I take
care of the household completely including
my own daughter and I try my hardest to
love her kids as my own even though it is
hard. I feel completely betrayed and very
hurt that my gf lied to me about her past
and I really don't know what to do now. I
am not rich and make it pay chec k to
paycheck....she has no family/freinds/ or
anybody who can help her to move out if I
decide to end this relationship...... and
I hate to think how it would effect the
kids if we did separate. I have no idea
what to do or how to feel. If anyone can
give me any advice, I am all ears. I am
literally sinking into a dark hole of
depression that my life has come to this
and on top of it I started my own business
about a year ago and things aren't looking
good at all financially looks like my life
as i know it is circling the toilet
bowl....I have no friends and no one to
talk about this hence why I am here.
Thanks for listening,
Makavelli
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meblonde01
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 2123 Location: ,
Thanks: 6
Thanked:2
Posted: 12-04-07 10:43am
Makavelli,
The first key word I picked up from you is
that you really don't love her, That your
feelings are more like a very good
friend.. If that is the case most likely
your situation will only decline.. Some
people say stay in a relationship for the
children. But I think bad relationship
hurt the children when staying in them.
You now have found out you have been lied
to by someone you don't think you love. If
there was a chance for love to grow, I
would say that lie has hindered that.
However if the lie hurts you to the point
it does, Maybe you do care for her more
than you think you did..
You need to truly examine your heart and
if your heart is not into it LEAVE. It’s
not fair to her or to you to continue to
live in a loveless relationship..
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Makavelli
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Albuquerque
Posted: 12-04-07 11:12am
I am worried that she hasn't been faithful
to me.....and based on her past I think I
have a legitament concern. She claims that
she has never cheated on me, but there has
been so much dishonesty lately i am
finding myself unable to trust a word out
of her mouth....I have sacrificed so much
to provide for my family I have worked two
jobs gone into debt I had a good job but
all I have made has been poured into bills
and food for kids that aren't mine and a
woman who completely lied to me since the
begining. I seriously haven't taken so
much as a vacation for like three years. I
haven't been able to do anything for
myself because I am constantly paying for
a bill or buying a b-day present or xmas
presents or paying for school this and
school that..I have lost all my friends
because I spend ALL my time working just
to make ends meet and she would get mad
when I went out with friends. I could be
doing something I enjoy and be doing well
financially if I wasn't in this
relationship. Instead I am constantly
hanging on to the end of my rope just
trying to make it week to week. I just
feel like I have been busting my ass
suffering with a terrible quality of life
based upon someone who is not who I
thought she was.....she says that she is a
completely different person now and her
past has nothing to do with now.......do I
have a right to be angry?
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meblonde01
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 2123 Location: ,
Thanks: 6
Thanked:2
Posted: 12-04-07 12:09pm
I think you have every right to be upset..
Why isn't she working to help out?
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Makavelli
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Albuquerque
Posted: 12-04-07 12:59pm
meblonde01
wrote:
I think you have every right
to be upset.. Why isn't she working to
help out?
Well she did finally get a job....but I
wanted her to be a stay at home mom. To
raise my daughter and take care of the
kids and house. I think she kind of took
advantage of it though. i think she could
have done more to improve the home but oh
well. She recently got a job at a day care
working from 8-2pm the wages are so low
and we live in the boonies so with gas for
commuting we weren't really making much
money having her work. We have no child
care and the kids are in school from 7-3pm
and so there is really no time for her to
work. It has gotten to the point where
thinking about this is consuming my life I
can't even work or be productive.....
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Makavelli
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Albuquerque
Posted: 12-04-07 13:08pm
she says that her past is none of my
business and that I shouldn't have pressed
her to share it with me! I believe that
she loves me and I don't think she has
cheated on me but I don't what to believe
now. I mean........she kind of blew me out
of the water with the stuff she told me. I
am no angel myself. I have a rough
history, but I have always been
conservative with me sex life and have had
very few relationships.....I have only
been in two that were of any significant
length of time this being the second. I
just feel like I want to move on with my
life but I care way too much about these
kids and I am stuck where I am because
she doesn't have the money to move out and
I dont' have the money to help her move
out and she has three kids so she needs at
least a 3bed apt and I have been these
kids father for a4/5years now...they
already went through a divorce with her
previous relationship she was married for
six years......I am freaking out here
don't know what is the "right" thing to
do.......I understand why she made the
choices she did but I still feel that they
were "choices" you have the ability to be
who you want to be in life no matter how
crappy your childhood was. I don't think
that this is an excuse for her behavior
and yet I feel sorry for her because she
has had a rough life and now I feel sorry
for her kids more than anything and I
desperately want to be the one who gives
them some sort of stability and to be a
father figure and to help them to become
amazing individuals, but at the same time
I am so upset I could seriously just take
off get on a boat and go to a foreign
country and never come back......but I
can't do that because I would miss my
daughter more than anything!!!! How did I
get myself into this MESS!!!
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Jude-Love
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jun 2007 Posts: 727 Location: Williamstown, Kentucky USA
Posted: 12-05-07 23:12pm
I think you are thinking too much about
her past. Think about why she might not
have been truthful with you at first. Do
you really think it was to hurt you?
Probably not. It's likely she just wanted
you to accept her. She should have told
you the truth, but look at your reaction
now that she has told you. She's being
truthful with you now and you're punishing
her for it. Her past is not a good enough
reason to suspect she's been unfaithful at
all, that isn't fair.
As far as the relationship goes, it was a
bad idea to get into a relationship with
someone and let it continue knowing you
weren't as devoted to it, but the
children involved shouldn't suffer because
you exercised bad judgment. I'm not sure
if you have loved her at any point in the
relationship, but it might be a wise
decision to get some sort of counseling.
Couples who were in love fall out of love
all the time and right back in love after
that. Relationships are work, they aren't
perfect all the time. There's going to be
times when you do not feel like you love
each other. I suspect that there is
something to the kind of person she is
that you are attracted to, otherwise you
wouldn't be sleeping with her.
As far as her reasons for her past, you
really should stop and think before
telling her she needs a better "excuse"
for her behavior. You are not her, you
don't know what her life experiences meant
to her personally. Women who experience
things like that are prone to be
promiscuous, it's just a fact. It
shouldn't say anything about whether or
not she's worthy enough to be with you.
And if it does, maybe you aren't worth her
time.
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Makavelli
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Albuquerque
Posted: 12-11-07 13:30pm
Her past is not a good reason to think
that she has been unfaithful? Well, I
would have to disagree with you, there.
Isn't it women who say once a cheater
always a cheater. She has a past filled
with lies, deceit, and sex. So now all of
sudden because she is with me that has
changed....well I just found out she has
been lying so it doesn't look like it. I
am not punishing her at all. The whole
reason that she told me the truth is
because I confronted her because I
suspected her of cheating on me. She was
married/recently divorced when I met her.
She cheated on her ex-husband. We are not
even married. Her ex-husband to this day
doesn't even know that she cheated on him.
I wasn't saying that she needs a better
"excuse" I was simply saying that you have
a choice. No matter how shitty your
experience is you still have a choice to
do the right thing become a better person.
That is all I am saying. I know that she
had a rough childhood, very rough. No I
don't think that she is not "worthy" to be
with me like you said. Everybody has a
past. I am having trouble trusting someone
who hasn't been faithful to a single man
in her life and if she is cheating on me
then no she isn't "worthy" enough to be
with me. Plain and simple. I am good
person I have stepped up to the plate. She
has three kids. Three fathers and I am the
ONLY one who pays a single dime to support
those kids. I am the only one who is there
to encourage, support, and love them. If
she can't be faithful to me, then NO she
isn't worthy enough to be with.
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Jude-Love
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jun 2007 Posts: 727 Location: Williamstown, Kentucky USA
Posted: 12-11-07 16:49pm
My point was-you describe yourself as
being "thrown into a family situation" at
22. You're not taking responsibility for
YOUR choice. You weren't thrown into
anything. You chose to be in a
relationship with her. It doesn't matter
how relentless she was, you could have
still said no. You didn't want to be with
her, yet it was okay to sleep with her
knowing you didn't feel love, right? It
doesn't seem that you are being honest
with her either.
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Makavelli
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Albuquerque
I Fail to See Your Point? Posted: 12-18-07 16:48pm
How am I not taking responsibility for my
choice? I am sorry but I fail to see your
logic to this conversation. I am taking
responsibility for not only my choice to
be with her but responsibility(sole
provider) for two kids whose biological
father's dismissed. So I think that is
fair amount of responsibility for MY
choice. Don't you? Yes I was "thrown into
a family situation" at 22.....and yes I
have been in the relationship and have
essentially dedicated myself to raising
these kids "proper" which is to say to the
best of my ability....so I fail to see my
lack of responsibility..It seems as if
though you are attacking me with the
assumption that I am typical male and got
into this situation thinking with the
wrong "head". I can assure you that this
is not the case. Yes I essentially made a
decision to be in this relationship and I
am taking responsibility for it. But I
have been up front with her since the day
we met about my feelings.....as I
previously stated above " I told her at
the beginning that I didn't want to get
involved because I knew she had two kids
and I wasn't ready to jump into a family
situation. I was using drugs and alcohol a
lot and wasn't ready to be any kind of
father." But I changed my ways and have
attempted to become a father figure in the
best way that I know how. We got a house
and moved in together and she stopped
working to be a stay at home mom and so
for the past almost three years...i have
created what I like to consider a
semi-stable, homey, loving, caring,
nurturing environment for what I consider
to be MY family.
so once again I fail to see the point that
you are attempting to prove or how i
haven't taken responsibility for my choice
or how I am not being honest with her?
Please clarify!
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Jude-Love
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jun 2007 Posts: 727 Location: Williamstown, Kentucky USA
Posted: 01-02-08 05:46am
Makavelli
wrote:
How am I not taking
responsibility for my choice? I am sorry
but I fail to see your logic to this
conversation.
You are blaming her persistence and drugs
for your getting into the relationship at
all instead of yourself-you not realizing
the potential wasn't great and avoiding
it. Drugs and persistence are not to
blame for you being "thrown" into this
relationship. You are. It just seems
that by shifting the blame, you are trying
to shift the responsibility off as well.
Makavelli
wrote:
i have created what I like
to consider a semi-stable, homey, loving,
caring, nurturing environment for what I
consider to be MY
family.
Well, a loving, caring environment
consists of two parents who LOVE each
other and WORK on their relationship
instead of saying, "Oh, I've never really
loved you, sorry" and bailing. Especially
when knowing you were not really in love
with her, you kept sleeping with her and
brought yet ANOTHER child into this mess.
If this woman and her children are your
family, then you need to quit making
excuses for wanting to leave them.
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the cheshire cat
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 9
Posted: 01-02-08 06:31am
retrospectively, you may have made some
bad decisions, but that's not my point.
When I was younger, my mum and dad had
some issues. They would always argue and
in the end my dad decided to leave, but
stuck around for an uneccesary year just
for the kids; me, my brother and sister. I
don't know if this helps as it is a
different situation, but are you sticking
around for the kids? Because if your
relationionship with her is an unhealthy
one, then how good for the kids is it that
you stay? I found it hard because I felt
in a way I had been given false hope. I
hope this helps even though it is a bit
different. When my dad left, I still had
an active relationship with him and saw
him fortnight about (2 weeks at my mum's,
2 weeks at my dad's, and so on). Just
because you leave doesn't mean you have to
never see your daughter.
