Im 17 And We May Be Expecting...

You keep saying "I didn't mean" or "never said". Maybe you should be a little more explicit when you make sweeping statements such as

Or

Or


If you didn't *mean* any of that, why'd you say it?

As far as chip on *my* shoulders, I have none. I do take issue, as an adult women having been in these situations, when I see other adult women exhibiting the very behavior that hinders these girls. I feel quite strongly about this.

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I didn't, however, blow smoke up her a** and tell her everything will be wonderful as long as she tries because I know it's a crock

It's not a crock. Most teen mothers fail because that's what is expected of them. They're parents expect them to jump from being adolescents to adults; they're teachers expect them to do poorly. Children internalize what is said to them. You tell a child they are stupid, they will do poorly in school. You tell a child they are ugly, and they will have a negative self-image. You tell a child they will fail, and guess what...they fail. You can't honestly expect a child to fast-forward their own psychology 5 years simply because their reproductive organs do what they're intended to do. Doesn't mean they need to have their hands held and egos stroked every minute of the day; or that every girl who has the support of her family will win the Nobel prize with no effort on her part; but there's no reason a girl who has a baby at 16 can't reach her goals.

Well, if you took it the wrong way, that's your problem, sorry. I know what I said, I know what my point was, I don't really need to explain myself to you.

I am not hindering anyone. Every single person on earth, man or woman, teen or adult, has a choice. They can buckle down and get what needs to be done or they can blame other people when it doesn't work out. You make all the decisions in your life. Own them.

I never told the girl it wouldn't happen. I told her it's possible, but it would be really tough and to be realistic. Yes, the idea of going to school full time, caring for an infant full-time, and supporting a family of three on one income (an income, which by the way, is being earned by someone with a high school diploma) is pretty far-fetched. If you think otherwise, I'm sorry you live in a fantasy land. I apologize if you are offended because my view of teen pregnancy isn't all rainbows and roses.

A 15 year old girl comes to her parents and says she is pregnant. Her parents insist that because she took on adult responsibility, she must be an adult - now, get out of my house. Of course, this girl has a ridiculously low chance of achieving her goals.

Also, parents sometimes treat their teen daughters, as I said above, as pariahs, whereas older, married sisters pregnancies are a thing to be rejoiced over.

Had her parents instead given her support, such as, y'know, not kicking her out of the house, her odds would be, obviously significantly better.

A junior in high school goes into labor on the day of a test. Her teacher tells her to deal, and she wasn't there so she failed. However, a student who was taken to the hospital for an accident is given a pass.

What would be better? I don't know...treating teen mothers are human beings? Maybe a bit less stigma and a bit more understanding. Maybe even, going out on a limb here, a little extra push to succeed from family and friends.

Those were just a few for the sake of brevity. Now, as adults, these don't seem like huge things. People are being jerks, right? We'd get insulted, maybe cry or be a little bitter or angry, but, for the most part, adults will just shrug these indiscretions off. In general, adults just deal, psychologically and practically.

However, the psychology of children is fragile. They do need validation, and they do need support, and they do need praise and understanding. At when they are at a point in their lives when they need support the most (even adult women need support during pregnancy!), they don't get it. They really are set up for failure. That isn't to say that they have no responsibility to work towards their own success; they do, more than anyone. But children do not succeed at anything unless they are supported.

Thank-you for those concrete examples. Now, here's the question, why do you think the parents reacted the way they did, and why the teachers were so unreasonable and cruel?

For the better part of the 1900s, teen mothers were treated with shame. All around, sex was shameful, and should only be within marriage; pregnancy, itself, was shameful, and shouldn't be spoken about. It was crude to discuss these things. So, understandably, with these attitudes, teen mother developed quite the stigma. They 'redisobeying their parents, sneaking around, and being little harlots. The outcome was shame on the family - the parents would either send the girls away to a preggers boarding school where the baby would be forcibly adopted out, or they would just tell her to get out. Since much of this was before legal abortions, the girls had their babies. They ended up in poverty on their own. Enter the teen mother statistics; couple that with wide-spread societal shame on the girls.

Now enter the sexual revolution. Sex and pregnancy are no longer shameful. Abortion is legal. However, teen mother statistics still exist, as does the societal stigma. The "smart" girls have abortions. The "good" girls put their babies up for adoptions. The "stupid" girls keeps their babies. As our society evolved away from the very things that created stigmas against teen mothers, we still held onto the results of it. Honestly, in our current society, all statistics aside, can you really name anything that a teen girl has done "wrong" when she gets pregnant? There are things she could have done better (just not had sex, used birth control, etc), but none of her actions, societally, are really *shameful* anymore.

So, the current generation of parents and teachers come from an era before or at the beginning of the sexual revolution, when there was still a societal reason to put a stigma on teen mothers. Doesn't mean it's right, but that's my own theory on why it happens. It's kind of like my old (ancient) southern grandma still using the "n" word to refer to people of various races. It's not right, but she clings to that part of her era. She isn't interested in changing her mind cause she's right and she knows it.

So, to directly answer your question, they act that way because that's what they know and it's right, d*** it.

Now, there are some parents that are really cool about their daughters coming to them (my mother was fairly angry, but all in all took it like a trooper). I highly suspect that attitude will become more coming in coming generations.

I agree with Future. Those teachers sound unreasonably cruel.

I want to remind EVERYONE that the original poster DOES NOT KNOW IF SHE IS PREGNANT, mkay? So whatever she is thinking are her own pie in the sky ideas of how sweet and cuddly a new baby is going to be.

Hey, Suzy, are you ready to take on full time work and a full time college schedule right now? I thought not. (Only used you for an example because you just had a baby and are a teen mom) It is unrealistic to think that even a married girl of 18 is going to be able to maintain a full time college load while her husband also attends full time college and they both will have to work to support themselves. Living in an apartment is a HUGE expense for college, dorm living is so much cheaper. Not to mention daycare expenses!

No one is saying it CAN'T be done. We are all saying Why on earth would anyone CHOOSE to do it rather than wait a few years?

From personal experience, since that keeps being brought up, I had a child at 16. I was kicked out of my parent's home when I was 15 (NOT PREGNANCY RELATED) - so I know the real knitty gritty of the whole business. I too know what it is like to be looked down on and be turned away by people because of being a teen parent. It sucks - and birth control can prevent that!

I'm loosely quoting my mother here


In regards to your comment on the 15 year old vs the 30 year old. I'll give you an example, that isn't even including a teen mother. My best friend, at 23, got married and pregnant. Her 26 year old sister, who was in a long term relationship but not married, was also pregnant. The difference in the way they were treated was the difference between day and night. It was as if her child was not as loved as her little sister's simple because she was not married. There's a difference between disappointment and all out hostility.

No one can deny the problems is causes on families. But, you also can't deny that once you've made the commitment to have a child, you've taken a vow far greater than "for better or for worse". Parents have millions of things to get upset about; but they don't need to shove it in their child's face every day. And, bear in mind, I'm not talking about support and success in just high school. I'm speaking about higher education and the rest of their lives. What is so wrong with expecting a family to help and support its members?

It seems you aren't a psychologist either. In one breath you say they're tough, and in the other you agree they're fragile. Studies show that children, including teens, internalize the image they are presented of their selves. Have you proof that telling a teenager they are stupid will not result in a lack of motivation and an internalization of external cues?