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Philo

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My Thoughts Tonight Posted: 12-11-07 20:08pm


I keep thinking this is not really schizophrenia, I mean some of the symptoms match, but really I probably set it off by doing something morally wrong. This is why I'm so diabolical and harassed. It just seems so real that the forces that control me are right and I'm wrong. For example I must have been wrong to collect employment insurance when I could've worked just before I had the episode. The evil force is harassing me about this now. And now I'm too weak to set it right, my body's deteriorated and I don't feel like I can work, which is what the force is demanding.

starkey

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Re: My Thoughts Tonight
Posted: 12-12-07 16:44pm

Hi I'm new here but have been watching this site for some time now Very
Happy

Philo wrote:

I don't feel like I can work, which is what the force is demanding.

When my voice / voices try to get me to feel this way I do the opposite
just to piss it off. This usually gets me going yes

Philo

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Posted: 12-12-07 20:59pm


Very bad things happen to my body if I don't comply.

starkey

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Posted: 12-12-07 21:09pm


The body?

Philo

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Posted: 12-12-07 23:19pm


Yes, I get severe pain and some kind of neurological deregulation, as well as severe cold and feeling of evil in my body. I can hardly stand up when it happens and my legs are shaking. It's been going on on and off for a few years, but lately it's been much worse.

starkey

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Posted: 12-12-07 23:54pm


I still get a headaches at oppurtune times, the stabbing pretty much gone. One of the most annoying things that is gone is the duffle bag feeling (like a duffle bag on the chest or gut and somebody reaching there hand in and fumbleing around in it) This mainly happened when laying down for the night. Probably because i sleep with headphones So when i wake up i curse the voice but it usually leaves me alone till late in the morning

Stan

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Posted: 12-14-07 14:07pm


Philo, I'll ask again, have they ever tested you for any metabolic conditions? Were you ever given any other blood tests to determine if anything is wrong with your body? Thoughts like this manifest quite commonly, they're just an abstraction of feelings you can't fully understand, but again, most doctors forget exactly how awful the body can act upon the mind, though they're quick to look at it the other way all the time.

Philo

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Posted: 12-14-07 18:53pm


I did have a thyroid-related blood test a year ago. What sort of tests should I ask for?

Stan

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Posted: 12-15-07 00:48am


Give me as best you can a full list of symptoms you've been experiencing, mental included.

Philo

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Posted: 12-15-07 18:22pm


Dullness of thought; repeating thought patterns, repeating thougths; thought-messages spoken to me (not acoustic) about the "diabolical" loan I've taken as a student, about not working, about money, about the devil and God; diabolical coldness in my body, shivers, evil tensions in my neck, evil weakness and coldness in my abdomen, possession by the devil, restless legs, tiredness, lack of strength in my neck and my spine (and resulting bad posture), near impotence (not due to drugs), passive aggression, weight gain (not due to drugs), difficulty in making any effort, lack of direction, lack of meaning (not depressive), lack of motivation, lack of interest in things, overall mental fragility, fear of doing anything demanding.

Stan

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Posted: 12-15-07 18:50pm


Did the test reveal anything? How quickly did all of your symptoms arise? At what age? What was the severity at first? Did it take a long time to become as severe as it is now? Do you notice any conenction to how you run your life (especially exercise, eating, drinking, etc.)? Have you ever been tested for blood sugar abnormalities, adrenal abnormalities or any sort of endocrinological abnormalities? Ever tested for seizures? Ever tested for neurological problems? Ever see a neurologist? Ever receive an MRI or have a 72-hour observation at a hospital to see how your brain and nerves are working? Answer these and we'll continue.

Philo

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Posted: 12-16-07 17:43pm


The test didn't reveal anything. I was 26 with my first psychotic episode (1999). I drank a huge bottle of rum and meditated incorrectly by breathing heavily, and that triggered it. It was drastic (esp. the devil) at first and then subsided into mild prodromal-like psychosis until 2003, when I had a major episode that brought on most of the symptoms I described. I don't see any connection with eating, exercising, etc. As I said I was tested for endocrinology (I had a lobe of thyroid removed due to a binine tumour in 1998 but the test didn't reveal anything, they said the right thyroid took over the function completely). I did see a neurologist and had a test around the same time but the test didn't reveal anything, although I had problems with finger tremours. No other tests were done except they looked at my ass when I was undergoing tests for the army, lol.

Stan

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Posted: 12-16-07 18:07pm


Explain the rum thing fully. What do you mean you meditate incorrectly by breathing heavily? Do you mean too much too quickly? Explain how this 'triggered' it.

Philo

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Posted: 12-16-07 18:40pm


1. I was feeling lost in my life so I drank a big bottle of rum. 2. I sat down and started meditating by making big breaths in succession, which you're not supposed to do. 3. This combined "went to my head" and I was feeling euphoric. 4. Then some force from the back of my spine or neck travelled to my head and face and started twisting it. The devil stuff appeared around this time.

Stan

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Posted: 12-16-07 18:57pm


I doubt the breathing had anything to do with it, surely coincidence. Did you notice anything before this as far as drinking goes? What were you like before this? Did you have any sort of symptoms before this time?

Philo

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Posted: 12-16-07 19:15pm


I'm sure the breathing had a lot to do with it. That's the way it felt. By the way, Stanislaw Grof talks about hard breathing as a way to enter a state of ecstasy and purge negative mental states. He also states it is a dangerous practice. It is also practiced by different cultures around the world and induces lack of pain, hallucinations, religious experiences, etc. I was in university, so when I drank on weekends, I got plastered, but I never had a drinking problem. No symptoms before this time. I was a normal person before this. The night before I had an excruciating nightmare that my head was all red and that it fell apart.

Stan

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Posted: 12-16-07 23:41pm


So abosultely no physical or mental symptoms of any sort before this? Breathing may have done something, but there is not way it activated something like this, something else is going on. Heavy breathing meditation merely increases oxygen in the blood, which can lead to a variety of hallucinations and such if you do it enough, and it can be dangerous, but it's effects are not permanent.

Georgia59

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Re: My Thoughts Tonight
Posted: 12-17-07 12:07pm

Philo wrote:

I keep thinking this is not really schizophrenia, I mean some of the symptoms match, but really I probably set it off by doing something morally wrong. This is why I'm so diabolical and harassed. It just seems so real that the forces that control me are right and I'm wrong. For example I must have been wrong to collect employment insurance when I could've worked just before I had the episode. The evil force is harassing me about this now. And now I'm too weak to set it right, my body's deteriorated and I don't feel like I can work, which is what the force is demanding.

Philo- everybody does things that are morally wrong. Not everyone ends up being harassed the way you describe. If you decide to believe that it is a biological illness (which you can decide) won't it be easier for you to deal with? To just shut it all off and leave it up to the doctors? That has to be a huge burden to bear, believing that you did something to cause this.

You didn't.

You don't deserve this illness. It was given to you by biological chance. It can be treated and you can get better!!

Philo

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Posted: 12-17-07 17:58pm


Thanks for the support. I think it is a combination of three things: 1. biological trigger (probably the massive dose of alcohol), 2. poor ethical choices and habits (shirking from work, hating people, etc.), and 3. subconscious forces that devolved on account of the previous two points. I don't believe that this is purely a biological or chemical problem, it's more on the level of the subconsicious, and can't be dealt with through medication. Yes, it would be easier to say it is biological but everything says to me it is psychological (subconscious), and that in turn involves ethics, personality, habits, childhood, etc. Stan, now I remember I did have bouts of low sugar level, what is it called? I forget now. I had to eat right away. But this passed a few years ago.

woops

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Posted: 12-18-07 20:43pm


How horrible.