the Struggle For Insight... Posted: 12-30-07 23:43pm
The more I read, the more the questions
seem to pile up and the farther I get from
understanding the truth. All the
knowledge that I thought I once possessed,
seems to have faded. There's tons of
information, but there doesn't seem to be
any knowledge. You take away all the
bnllsh$t and what's left... Nothing.
You're led blindly into one dark alley
after another and each time it turns out
to be a dead end, or you end up circling
back to the very spot from which you
started... still lost. After a while,
there doesn't seem to be a way out.
Forever lost on the road of uncertainty.
But of course you don't give up, you
struggle along and try one promising path
after the other. There are an infinite
amount of possibilities, or at least
that's what it seems to be. After a while
you find yourself face to face with a
guide. Someone, or even something that
claims that they know the way out. Funny
how they haven't left. You follow and
they end up crawling inside a box and
remain content in their small world. Yes,
a way out into all six sides of certainty.
They are home and there's no room for
you, so of you go...searching. Searching
for your home.
I don't know where I'm going with this, so
I'll just ask a simple question...
Doesn't mental illness seem to be one's
"imagination gone haywire"?
Sure it's obvious and all that... it's
just, I've been diagnosed with
schizophrenia a total of 3 times and it
just seems fake. I just don't get it and
there doesn't seem to be anybody who
does.
There are people who've been diagnosed and
never showed any signs after the initial
episode and relapsed years later, or never
relapsed at all. Others relapsed more
while on prescriptions (there have been
studies on this - yes, it does seem
unethical). There's a whole variety of
different cases out there. There are the
common ones and the excepts. There seems
to be a correlation between the rise of
mentally ill cases and the rise in the
mental health industry. You tell a person
who's had a nervous breakdown that their
ill and they'll start researching, maybe
even expecting the symptoms -
dare I say: influencing?
It's confusing and there doesn't seem to
be a way out of this... maze.
...And pills are like a temporary box, or
worse... a deep holw, with an opening.
Ugh!
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Philo
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 331 Location: Montreal
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Posted: 12-31-07 20:00pm
Schizophrenia is the last frontier.
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woops
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Jul 2007 Posts: 222
Posted: 12-31-07 20:42pm
It's not my imagination gone haywire.
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naomi48
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 21 Location: europe
Posted: 12-31-07 22:05pm
If you're willing... I'd like to know how
does your illness manifest?
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Frank QA
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Dec 2007 Posts: 12
Posted: 01-01-08 00:20am
naomi48,
It kinda sounds like you're implying that
a mental illness comes and goes. Sure, it
does, in sorta the same way that a person
who has cancer has their good days and
their bad days. According to the doctors,
the more normal, or the better my mind
seems to work (personally), the sicker I
become (a stronger manifestation in
intensity...if you will). So, the more I
think, I think and the better my mind
seems to work is when my "illness" is said
to manifest more strongly. Which makes
absolutely no sense to me, because that to
myself means - when I'm normal is when my
brain feels damaged. Or similarly - it's
when I don't have the same insights and
depth of thought as I do when I feel that
I can think well (-and this can be
perceived as my lose of insight into my
own illness... which I doubt strongly.).
Moreover, when I'm "sick", I can think
better, the only problem is that I have a
hard time expressing myself. When I take
the time to express myself, it becomes
clear and makes sense to other people, but
this can be extremely tedious at times and
other people don't want to go through all
that mental work. It seems that people
don't like to think! Heck, I don't at
times, but I feel the need to go through
everything. There's no other way to reach
the truth. I don't want to live blindly,
I want to understand everything. Is that
so wrong... or sick? People make it
difficult.
It may seem that I'm in denial. However,
too little information is know about this
illness, so why should I believe something
that might eventually turnout to be
something of a different nature. *
D-a-m-n! *
I know that the pills aren't the way. I
don't like them... at all! THEY ARE NO
GOOD! (for me)
Btw, it seems that once I started
realizing I was ill, is when I would doubt
myself and it's when things started to get
out of hand - ex. I stopped enjoying the
things I once used to enjoy for fear of
being "uncovered" as abnormal.
It's kinda sad... Oh well, life goes on
and nobody cares (they really don't). The
more progress I seem to make with
explaining something to say a friend, the
more I'm messing with that persons
personal view of things... and it's not a
good idea. I'm all alone... even when
surrounded by people.
I was once much different socially (more
extroverted), but I feel that's it was
because I didn't realize what and how
thinking is and works.
Your honest opinion... ?
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Frank QA
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Dec 2007 Posts: 12
Posted: 01-01-08 06:36am
Why is it, when I write about things of
this sort, no one seems to understand what
I'm taking about and if they do, then why
do they not respond? Am I making no
sense, is there something wrong with
writing about these issues?
I understand that these are my "issues"
and should probably be kept to myself...
then what is the point to these forums?
I recently started posting on forums,
because these so-called issues started to
manifest... yet, I don't believe I need
"professional" help, because these are
fundamental issues and should be
understood to the best of one's abilities.
Do you get what I'm saying?
Ever since I started writing here, I have
not received any useful responses, nor any
sort of understanding that would make me
think that I'm not retarded... or
whatever. Well... I'm kinda sure that I'm
not retarded, though, one can never be
sure.
Maybe, I'm just too weird, or honest for
the "weird" forums? How else should I
make sense of it?
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Georgia59
Moderator
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5542 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
Thanks: 89
Thanked:31
Posted: 01-01-08 13:04pm
Frank-
What are you looking for (as far as useful
responses)? No, mental illness such as
schizophrenia is not your imagination gone
haywire, it's your an illness of your
brain. Like you said, like cancer.
I understand you don't believe you need
professional help. I personally think you
do.
Maybe there is a way we can be of more
help, or maybe you just need to vent.
That's fine too, let us know.
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Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 3966 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 129
Thanked:12
Re: the Struggle For Insight... Posted: 01-01-08 16:35pm
Frank, are any of the symptoms you are
experiencing interfering with your
life/job/career/social functioning?
Is your family expressing concern over
your "issues"?
It's hard to have insight into your own
thoughts, but if others are expressing
their concerns, or if your actions are
negatively impacting your other functions,
then there are issues there that a
professional may be able to help you
with.
Keep posting!
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Frangible
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 7
Posted: 01-02-08 16:31pm
Quote:
Why is it, when I
write about things of this sort, no one
seems to understand what I'm taking about
and if they do, then why do they not
respond? Am I making no sense, is there
something wrong with writing about these
issues?
In reading between the lines in your
posts, you seem to be expressing a lot of
anger and frustration, and looking more
for a "yeah buddy, I totally hear you"
rather than any sort of practical way to
achieve an evidence-based treatment.
But you know what? You're right. You can
view SZ as "fake", not get treatment, be
angry and resentful, and have your mind
ruled by dark thoughts, voices, and a lack
of executive functioning.
It sounds like that isn't what you want,
though. But nor have you been able to
resolve it, despite reaching out for
help.
So what are you truly angry about? That
SZ isn't "real"? Or that your mind has
been crippled when others' have not, and
that your attempts to treat your symptoms
have met with failure, and that you felt
let down by your doctor(s)?
Look, you've been dealt a crappy hand, and
I wouldn't want to play it in your place.
But it is the hand you've been dealt, and
you have to deal with it. You can
externalize that into anger towards
others, but at the end of the day, you're
just going to have all your existing
damage and be angry and isolated to boot.
No poster here is going to make you give
up that anger, you have to choose to for
yourself. No poster here is going to find
a panacea that will fix all that is wrong
for you. And very few posters are going
to agree with your anger, because they do
not share your frustrating experiences you
haven't resolved yet.
Exactly where do you want things to go in
your future? And where will they go if
you continue your current path? In jail?
A psychiatric ward? Happy and functioning
well? You make your choices, and your
choices make you.
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Georgia59
Moderator
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5542 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
Thanks: 89
Thanked:31
Posted: 01-02-08 18:05pm
Anyone dealing with a mental illness has a
right to be frustrated by it and question
it. It's rough.
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Philo
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 331 Location: Montreal
Thanks: 4
Thanked:0
Posted: 01-02-08 18:24pm
Frank, I agree with some of the things you
say. The mind is an intricate thing, and
it is during my psychotic episode and
thereafter that the extent of this truth
has revealed itself to me. No, people do
not want to engage on that level, because
they would rather keep things nice and
simple, be able to do their simple tasks
and enjoy some beer and TV the remainder
of the time. However, just because you
might see the intricacy of things doesn't
mean you're not sick. I did misread your
previous post and I thought you might be
on medication, so sorry about that. But I
still think that if you leave yourself to
contemplate the intricacy of things,
including your illness, on your own and
shunning all "help", you might do
something very regretful.
I hope you'll keep posting. Now I have to
go, but I'll be back.
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Philo
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 331 Location: Montreal
Thanks: 4
Thanked:0
Posted: 01-02-08 22:25pm
I don't think there's a real way out of
this illness, whatever it may be. You said
you are looking high and low for answers.
However, there will be always (in this
lifetime) more questions than answers. The
structure of my psychotic episode as well
as some other clues made me partly
understand my own illness, but my
experience of the illness seems to
strongly diverge with others' experience
of their own illness. So I don't think
there is ONE answer to schizophrenia, at
least not one that would include me. You
say you don't believe in this illness. I
think it's more a class of symptoms than
one specific illness per se. In the
future, then, if any progress will be
made, I expect the extinction of the name
"schizophrenia" and a further analysis of
the symptoms into different categories and
better treatment. For now, schiz. is just
a bag of unknown causes and relations.
THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE NOT SICK. Forget
the name of the illness and what you
disagree with it. Generally do you feel
well? I don't think so.
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Frank QA
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Dec 2007 Posts: 12
Posted: 01-03-08 21:47pm
Georgia59,
Quote:
What are you
looking for (as far as useful
responses)?
I was probably looking for a miracle.
Something or someone which would
understand and offer me some sort of
hidden or missing knowledge which would
fill and complete the puzzle... That's
essentially what I'm feeling at the moment
- incomplete. Like a circuit board with a
portion that's been fried and is no longer
working properly. Endanger to further
damage if correction aren't made.
Schizophrenia is a degenerative (brain or
mental? - same thing?) illness. What
makes it so? How could something that
seems to work well on the biological
level, suddenly, start deteriorating
mentally?
Quote:
No, mental
illness such as schizophrenia is not your
imagination gone haywire, it's your an
illness of your brain. Like you said, like
cancer.
Why not? ...Imagination gone haywire seems
to be a common symptom. In fact, all the
common symptoms in schizophrenia can be
imagined. After all, mental illness is a
"mental" illness. They have no concrete
evidence that there are any physical
symptoms present. It would be pretty
ridiculous if none existed. I wonder what
that would mean...?
Quote:
I understand you
don't believe you need professional help.
I personally think you
do.
From my posts? ...It's bad enough that
people judge in the real world!
I think it has to do with survival.
Quote:
Maybe there is a
way we can be of more help, or maybe you
just need to vent. That's fine too, let us
know.
Vent... Is that like complaining to
someone, except on another level - cyber
complaining?
Basically, I want someone to tell me
something that I don't know. Otherwise,
there is absolutely no point to posting
here... I could go for the raw truth... no
sugar pls!
Birch,
Quote:
Frank, are any of
the symptoms you are experiencing
interfering with your
life/job/career/social
functioning?
Yes. But, a lot of it has to do with my
perception of myself among others - the
norm. I believe that if I was never
exposed to mental illness, then I wouldn't
have these types of so-called problem.
Mind over matter?
Quote:
Is your family
expressing concern over your
"issues"?
Not in anyway which I'd imagine a family
to... They mostly think that I'm being
lazy and pretending like there's something
wrong in order to justify my laziness.
Quote:
It's hard to have
insight into your own thoughts, but if
others are expressing their concerns, or
if your actions are negatively impacting
your other functions, then there are
issues there that a professional may be
able to help you
with.
I know what you mean. However, if I don't
have the insight into my own mind, then no
one else will. If I lose that insight,
then others are free to guess... but not
until then!
Frangible,
Quote:
In reading
between the lines in your posts, you seem
to be expressing a lot of anger and
frustration, and looking more for a "yeah
buddy, I totally hear you" rather than any
sort of practical way to achieve an
evidence-based treatment.
This reminds me of the time when my
buddies and I went to go see a psychic.
The woman was so kind that we couldn't
admit to lying. All in all, she made
obvious, logically-consistent,
conclusions, which would be dead-on... IF,
we hadn't lied.
Another thing: I'm truly not an angry
person. It may seem that someone in my
situation, with my past, would be... I'm
not.
Quote:
Or that your mind
has been crippled when others' have
not,
Crippled... how so? -- A few months ago,
I returned to further my education and I
was one of the brightest in my classes. I
know this, because it was evident through
my participation in class and through my
marks. I didn't have a problem answering
the teachers questions. No. The problem
lied in interacting with other people on a
personal level. IMO the interferences
which went on between the students
(before, during and after class) consisted
of stupidity. They don't listen, instead
they make things difficult for the people
that are paying attention and when they're
done, they realize that they've missed the
instructions, so they further bother the
ones who know what they're doing (the ones
who payed attention) by asking for help.
I used to be the fool that talked -
karmic, eh?
Quote:
and that your
attempts to treat your symptoms have met
with failure
No, not entirely. Btw, do you have a
mental illness?
Quote:
and that you felt
let down by your
doctor(s)?
Yeah... I feel let down by the mental
health profession. The lack of knowledge
is discomforting.
Quote:
Look, you've been
dealt a crappy hand, and I wouldn't want
to play it in your place. But it is the
hand you've been dealt, and you have to
deal with it.
...Hey, there's always the option of
folding!
You keep writing about anger. It's not
true. Sure, everyone gets angry
sometimes, but I'm one of those people who
likes to think through the problem... It's
been a long time since I last lost my
temper.
Quote:
Exactly where do
you want things to go in your
future?
It just so happens that I want to become a
doctor.
Philo,
Quote:
For now, schiz.
is just a bag of unknown causes and
relations. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE NOT
SICK. Forget the name of the illness and
what you disagree with it. Generally do
you feel well? I don't think
so.
I do hear you, Philo (in the non-psychotic
sense, heh.).
The so-called symptoms don't mean that I
am sick. For ex. I never knew that I was
hearing voices until the doctor confirmed
that I was. Weird? You betcha!
I don't hear or see anything which I am
not in control of. I am aware that it is
all imagined. If you think otherwise,
then you either know too little, or you're
just lying to yourself. It's funny how
being labeled SZ, justifies our
behavior....Or lack of successs and so
on.
The mind is complex, so who's to say it's
not all in the mind?
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Philo
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 331 Location: Montreal
Thanks: 4
Thanked:0
Posted: 01-04-08 17:07pm
I don't think that one piece of
information you're looking for exists.
Schizophrenia is very sly and mysterious,
it probably operates that way because of
that one missing piece. It seems so
meaningful, yet always incomplete. You're
still in the hopeful stage. Myself, I'm in
the "given up" stage, although I do get
inspired sometimes by the near logic of
the sickness and start looking for the
answer that does not exist.
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ktthefreak
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 29 Location: Oklahoma, OKC USA
Posted: 01-04-08 18:52pm
frank
i understand. hah.
i could go on forever, but im not in that
kind of mood. i just wanted to say i think
a lot like you do.
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puzzld
Supporter
Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Posts: 220 Location: gulf coast =), USA
Posted: 01-05-08 00:04am
it is better to know that you don't know
than not knowing that you don't know.
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Sinc17
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 29
Posted: 01-05-08 07:10am
I think there is a missing piece, That
piece is for every person different
U wont find it on the forums nor anywere,
U must find it yourself
