Well, Since I've Already Been Complaining to Y'all...

I've been off antidepressents for four months now. I was diagnosed with manic depression (related to bipolar disorder) when I was twelve (a good thing to be going into junior high with!), but according to the doctor I went to later, it was false, and I just had good ol' regular depression. Yippee.
My meds made me suicidal at first, so there was this big drama to find me something that helped rather than hindered, and eventually (after a lot of bad experiences) I got some tricylics that didn't interfere with my BCP, and that eased up on my mood swings and what not, but it only took the edge off...it's like taking a shot of vodka when you've had a bad day. My doctor took me off at the beginning of September to see how things would go, and at first I was happier than I ever was on the meds, but over the last few weeks, I think that I've gone into a downward spiral.
I cry about everything, I throw what can only be described as tantrums (I'm so embarassed to admit that), I'm constantly on edge and anxious, and sometimes I upset myself into puking. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not like this every minute of every day, and the mood swings aren't really swings...they're gradual.
I've made a doctor's appointment, but I'm really concerned with going back on the meds. I don't think I want to, because I really really don't want to be medicated...I become a different person, the only good thing is I don't usually freak out.
I'm not an off-balance person by nature, and I can control my "episodes" (I use that word lightly) when I'm at school or in public. Most people would only say that I seem sad sometimes, I am very very very careful not to act moody and psychotic around my friends.
This is another reason that I hope I'm not pregnant. I'm in no condition to have a child when I can't even think straight sometimes.
How can I let someone else love me and have love for someone else if I don't love OR respect myself?! That's a constant battle with my relationship with my boyfriend as well. He deals with my depression and knows about it, but then there's guilt THERE, because he has to put up with all this shizit. I feel selfish for being in a relationship, but then I'm worried I'll go into withdrawal without him, mega supreme drama queen that I seem to be.
I was just feeling melancholy right now, but I REALLY wanted to post this, because I've seen how Suzy and Becky, for example, are struggling with depression too...it breaks my heart to imagine how hard it must be to be a mother when you're so emotionally fragile and you have that black cloud constantly hanging over you. I know how it is to feel like that, and I definitely understand the hesitation to take the pills. The dilemma sucks.
I barely know any of you yet, but I just want you (all of you) to know that I'm here for you, and I'm a good listener. PM me anytime.
I REALLY ADMIRE YOU GIRLS FOR HANGING IN THERE. <3

I just needed to say that.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo