I have some friends who were diagnosed as
bi polar and are doing well on medication,
so I'm somewhat aware of the disorder.
I have been married for 10 years, and have
a young son. There have been some big
blowups with my wife in the past, that
raised a red flag that she may have BP
disorder. Sometimes she will have huge
rages over very minor things.
Every day- she is somewhat calm for the
first 10 minutes, and then is basically in
a rage, which lasts for hours. Basically
every single day for the past 10 years.
Our sex life was good for the first two
weeks, and then dropped off to nearly
nothing. I have discussed this with her
and she has had the same issues in her
previous relationships (which never
lasted).
SHe had had a Depo Provera shot when she
was in her early 20's and says she has
nott been the same person since. I've done
some reading this morning, and depo
provera is often linked to bi polar.
There have been many incidents of trying
to talk about issues and she threatens
suicide and takes off in the car.
I am on a very even keel from day to day.
I'm not sure she ever has an 'even-keel'
day.
I have adapted my behavior to get along
with her over the years. For example, I
adjusted my work schedule so I leave
before she gets up to avoid the morning
rage.
Recently things have take a major turn for
the worse.
I am poised to become potentially somewhat
successful in a professional career. She
has said things to suggest that she thinks
I will leave her if I become successful. I
have not intention of that- I live for my
wife and family and have never strayed in
any manner.
She is making romantic overtures toward a
(now former) professional associate. As if
to sabotage our marriage and my career, in
one act. When we try to talk about things
and work it out, she is reticent to do so
and now speaks of divorce. She is very
depressed about our situation. The only
thing she has brought up with me, that I
fell short of was that she needs more
attention, even though the attention I
give her is almost always shunned or
ignored.
I realize that you have to take my word
for some of this, but I am not an ogre.
I'm a hardworking and responsible father
and husband who is dedicated to my family.
I truly love my wife and family but this
episode is testing my limits. Hopefully
you can tell from the tone of my words
that I am caring and very concerned, not
only for my wife, but for the welfare of
my 4 year old son.
Sorry for the long post here, but I really
don't have anyone objective to discuss
this with at the moment, and would hope
someone might have some insight.
Thanks in advance-
C
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designlady
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 55 Location: , USA
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
I Think I Can Offer Some Valuable Advice. Posted: 01-08-08 14:41pm
Hi. I'm 32, been married for 11 years, and
have 2 young boys, similar to your
situation. I'm not sure that what she's
going through is BP, but may be Borderline
Personality Disorder. The main thing with
Borderline is the inability to maintain
healthy relationships and to have episodes
of rage. I'd suggest reading up on it.
Also, instead of trying to figure out the
problem on your own, she obviously needs
to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis and
medication. You may want to mention the
possibility of Borderline because many
doctors try to rule out a bunch of other
stuff first without considering it. If you
mention it right off the bat, the doctor
may give you a list of things to observe
for a while or a questionnaire--not sure,
but it's worth a try. She might have
both--you just won't know until she sees
someone.
Most importantly... GET HER OFF THE
DEPO!!! It destroyed my life for 4 years.
Now it's been 2 years since I've finally
stabilized to the point where I think I
can go back to work soon. The Depo REALLY
messes with your emotions AND sex drive.
Usually, bipolar people don't cycle at a
certain time everyday. Depending on the
type of BP, they may cycle every few
months or even every few years. If the
mood is manic, there is usually either
euphoria or rage, which you described.
There is usually impulsive and/or reckless
behavior. Then the downs can go way down
to suicidal--hopeless and tearful. Usually
eating and sleeping habits are affected,
too.
As with any non-professional, you're
welcome to take my advice with a grain of
salt, but I strongly suggest that she get
OFF the Depo and see a doctor ASAP.
Best of luck to you. I hope she improves
soon. Let us know how it goes.
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calvinator
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jan 2008 Posts: 4
Thank You Posted: 01-08-08 15:01pm
Sorry if I was unclear, but she only had
one Depo Provera dose, many years before
we met. She said she has never felt the
same since then. While that is unusual,
it's not uncommon, from my reading. She
has not taken any birth control or any
medications since I have known her.
I was not familiar with Borderline
Personality Disorder, but have been doing
some reading on this forum (what a great
resource). I definitely can see the traits
in her behavior as well as possibly
bi-polar.
Another thing that I just remembered- a
few months ago she became very passionate
with me for about a week, and wanted sex
often. This has never happened before. We
were very happy and affectionate during
this period, outside the bedroom.
After that, the current episode started-
becoming more unsatisfied with me for no
apparent reason, and making overtures to
my friends.
I think it's fairly obvious that she needs
help. I just don't know if I will be able
to convince her of this.
Thanks for the rely-
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designlady
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 55 Location: , USA
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Me, Too Posted: 01-08-08 15:19pm
I only took one depo shot, too, and it
took me 4 years to get over what it did to
me. I'm glad to know your wife is not on
it anymore. That's good.
I also remembered that I wanted to suggest
that some of it may be hormonal.
Throughout my trails since 2002, the last
time I had a child, my breakdowns seemed
to always come at that time of the month.
(Sorry if that's grossing you out, but you
are married!) After a while, I had my
hormone levels checked and, sure enough,
they were very slightly out of kilter, but
enough to cause a problem. My doc put me
on Yaz and I've felt much better (I even
have more patience) ever since. Maybe she
should have her hormone levels checked,
too. It may be worth a try. She may be
more willing to see her GYN than a
"shrink."
As far as trying to convince her, it is
possible for you to make an appointment
with a psychologist without her there. Get
some references and see if you can't find
someone who might be good for her. Explain
the situation to the therapist and ask for
some resources to show your wife. The two
of you can also come up with a "plan of
action," so to speak on how to get her to
a doctor so she can get help.
Hope this helps.
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calvinator
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jan 2008 Posts: 4
Thanks Again- Posted: 01-08-08 15:41pm
The most recent blowup did occur during
PMS. She often has bad PMS- but this is an
entirely different situation. I wouldn't
be surprised if hormones played a large
part in her overall happiness. I feel this
had been slightly more stable since the
baby.
But the behavior and the mood swings are
way beyond a normal cycle. With her normal
PMS, she returns to relative normal once
she has the period.
At this point, she seems very bent on
destroying our family and relationship for
no apparent reason. She feels absolutely
no remorse or regret for what she has put
us through the last few days.
I am nearly 50 years old and have had
several long term relationships in my
life. I realize all people are different
.... but all of may other relationships
were very similar, happy and normal. I
have never dealt with anything like this
before in a relationship.
I'm very concerned about my son, and him
having to endure this behavior. If she
insists on divorce I will have no choice
but to fight her for custody.
Edited to add: She is frequently verbally
abusive to out 4 year old son, for very
minor things. We have been in several
arguments over this in the past.
Last edited by calvinator on 01-08-08 15:58pm; edited 1 time in total
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designlady
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 55 Location: , USA
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Absolutely. Posted: 01-08-08 15:58pm
Yes, the boy needs to be with a stable
parent. If everything you say is true, you
should have no problem, especially if
she's threatening to cheat. Don't give up
yet, though. If she can get some good
help, she'll realize how much you love her
since you stuck it through the worst of
times and didn't give up AND made sure she
got help. You seem like a good husband. I
hope she will see a doctor.
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calvinator
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jan 2008 Posts: 4
Posted: 01-08-08 16:17pm
Thanks for the very kind words and
support.
I have miles of patience, by nature, but
this is putting it to a test.
.
I'm not going to give up yet. Maybe I can
gain some support from her friends and
convince her to get help, or at least
diagnosed.
Right now, she has two friends (not her
best friends or smartest by any means, and
one definitely has ulterior motives) that
she has convinced I am a pariah. They have
a little feedback loop going to reinforce
this with her, and each other. I would be
surprised if her long term, more normal
friends know anything of the situation.
Again, her complaints against me are very
vague and not directed at anything I have
done, or said. I know this could seem like
'normal marital problems" but this has
taken some very bizarre turns, especially
her making advances toward one of my
closest friends and business partners.
Thanks again for posting.
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bitzy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Oct 2007 Posts: 10
Posted: 01-08-08 20:51pm
I don't think she is threatening to cheat.
That's ridiculous. She is missing
something. A spark perhaps...It sounds
like you are a very loving man and honest
just to say she had one repo shot tells me
you are the type to defend her because she
means so much to you. It sounds like she
is stuck. A major communication problem
with you is going on. for years. You
can't run out to avoid her morning
episodes.little things get to her because
for the majority of women the little
things build up in our minds over a
period time and what looks to be little
then runs a whole lot deeper. Couples
therapy....just to help her out....it take
two to tango. you may have been ignoring
the problem for 10 years but if it is as
you say on a daily basis...her insecurity
is probably very high, that is why she is
afraid you will leave, she knows what she
does , she doesn't know how to control it.
It sounds like you trigger her to react
and that she doesn't know how to express
her concerns and feelings to you in away
that you will understand. Most people
have issues. the other man- she wants
your attention and for you to smother her
with love because she is craving it
desperately... that is my take... because
women need to be validated and
acknowledged - to give them a sense of
worth... if it is neglected-their spirit
and heart suffer because of it...they
don't need the flowers although we love it
and it makes things really nice sometimes.
Overall-encouragement- to say you are
still noticing and admire who she is. Be
young again...get a babysitter and live
life..show herr how much you want to
experience life with her still...being
bored can call for desperate measures....
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puzzld
Supporter
Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Posts: 220 Location: gulf coast =), USA
Posted: 01-08-08 20:52pm
so sorry to hear that you are going
through such a tough time, to say the
least. i'm a 33 year old bipolar. i
currently see a "shrink" and take meds for
my illness. i know that my husband endures
a ton of grief when i'm not being treated
for said illness. it's hard on everyone.
but if she can realize that the problem is
not you or your seemingly lack of
affection then perhaps she will go talk to
someone. that's not too much to ask of a
spouse. mine did and i had to admit that i
have a problem. if she was tough before...
maybe remind her that she is strong and
capable. and that with your support you
two can overcome anything. i do think
something is going on with her. i honestly
don't know what it is. i can tell you that
i, in the past, was highly
self-destructive and acted
inappropriately. i would try to talk to
her friends.. if you think she could
handle that.
just so you know... there are tons of
people going through what you describe. so
you are not alone in this. you sound like
a wonderful husband and strong minded so
that is good for someone that has mental
issues. best of luck to your family. keep
us posted!
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BoneyardDiva
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Sep 2007 Posts: 72 Location: Nunya, USA
Posted: 01-11-08 18:06pm
Calvin...sounds like you're going through
some difficult times. I'm sorry to hear
that you have experienced these issues for
the past 10 yrs. It would truly be a shame
to have your child experience these rages
& grow up with such an unstable
parent.
