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soonhitched

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first time worries Posted: 01-23-08 10:39am


I already posted in the birth control forum about my upcoming wedding in May. here's the situation, we're both virgins so I'm a bit anxious about our first night together. From a woman's perspective, what should I/we be focused on for our first time. My worries range from will I ejaculate really early? (I can't imagine I'll last long, but I know that's normal), to "will I stick my penis in the wrong place? Will I hurt her (she's already talked to plenty of people and the answer is "yes", but how do I deal with that? How do I broach the subject of oral sex? (definitely not the first night but as we get more comfortable with each other and how things work down there...) Any helps/ tips/ suggestions are appreciated. My "game plan" as of right now, is to just be as caring as possible. It's not "humping", it's making love and i think there's a huge difference.

run4life10

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Re: first time in May - need help from the ladies Posted: 01-23-08 11:29am


why no oral the first time? Oral sex can be wonderful foreplay and can help to get her all worked up so that it doesn't hurt her as much when you start. The most important thing is just to make sure she's relaxed, comfortable, and very turned on. It may also help to insert fingers beforehand to stretch it out. There is no telling how much pain she will experience, or if she will even experience any. Everyone is different, but it's going to depend greatly on whether or not she still has a hymen. A lot of women don't. I still had one, so my first time was painful but not unbearable. All you can do is take things slow, be gentle, make sure she's comfortable and aroused, and make sure you have plenty of lubricant. But you are right, there is a big difference between humping and making love, and as long as you keep that in mind that will help to make it a lot easier for her. As far as ejaculating early that shouldn't be a worry for the first time. Some guys do, but a lot of guys don't. Like my boyfriend was too worried about me to really get much pleasure from it, so he couldn't get off at all. You should try to put that worry out of your mind. The first time is never perfect, but you learn over time. And if you guys are really in love then she won't mind or place any judgement if you do ejaculate early. Besides, "early" ejaculation usually refers to ejaculating before the woman is satisfied. However, since it's unlikely that she will experience much pleasure the first time, nevermind reach orgasm, you don't have much to worry about in that regard. As far as sticking your penis in the wrong place, that's another reason for foreplay. You should spend some time down there seeing where everything is before attempting to stick your penis anywhere. Once you figure out where the hole is you shouldn't have much of a problem. There are really only two places it could go and they're pretty easy to tell the difference between It may also help to find some diagrams online of the female genitalia that you can study beforehand to help familiarize yourself with it. Hope this helps, and hope everything goes well. Congratulations on your wedding, and best of luck to both of you

Georgia59

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Re: first time in May - need help from the ladies
Posted: 01-23-08 12:40pm

soonhitched wrote:

My worries range from will I ejaculate really early? (I can't imagine I'll last long, but I know that's normal),

Yes, you will. Lol. Honestly, if you just plan for that, both of you will be pleasantly surprised if anything else happens.

soonhitched wrote:

"will I stick my penis in the wrong place?

No, that's pretty hard to do. You might want to use your hands for help, though. Look at what you're doing, use your hands and your fingers to enter her vagina, find out where it is, make sure it is nice and open and wet, (if it's not DO NOT put anything in there and try using some store-bought lube) and once she's really ready, use your hands to guide your penis in.

soonhitched wrote:

Will I hurt her (she's already talked to plenty of people and the answer is "yes", but how do I deal with that?

NO!! Why do people say that?? There is no reason she should feel any pain. IF the two of you spend a lot of time on foreplay (oral and manual stimulation, we'll get to that later) and you follow the above advice about guiding your penis in after you make sure that she's nice and open and wet (store bought lube is a life saver) it will NOT hurt. If it hurts, something is wrong, and you need to stop and spend more time on foreplay. The only reason sex hurts is 1- she is really dry- either because of nerves or because she's naturally dry (I am) 2- she is really tight, because of nerves or because she expects that it will hurt sol she tenses up 3- (this is very rare) she has a hymen that is intact. If she has ever used a tampon or put ANYTHING up there, this is probably not the case.

So it probably won't hurt, and if it does, something is wrong.

soontobehitched wrote:

How do I broach the subject of oral sex? (definitely not the first night but as we get more comfortable with each other and how things work down there...)

Oral sex is great, and I'm gonna go with the other poster on this, it's great for your first time. You need to be comfortable with each other's genitals before you have sex in order to avoid painful or bad sex. Plus, MOST women can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation, which is a lot easier to acheive from oral sex or manual stimulation than intercourse. If you care about her satisfaction on this first time, and not just about 'getting it over with' you will need to incorporate some oral/manual stimulation. There are plenty of posts on here about how to do this successfully, do a search for it. Think about it- if you have oral sex before sex, and you either get her to orgasm before sex or get her really close, she will not only likely be wet and open and ready for anything, but it won't matter so much when you blow it as soon as you enter her (which might just be inevitable)

soontobehitched wrote:

Any helps/ tips/ suggestions are appreciated. My "game plan" as of right now, is to just be as caring as possible. It's not "humping", it's making love and i think there's a huge difference.

That attitude is a great start. Seriously, learn about the female anatomy, learn about what makes her tick. Does she masturbate? Has she ever had any sexual contact? If the answer is no, it's going to take a lot of work on the part of both of you to find out what feels good. Don't limit yourself to thinking that sex means just penis-in-vagina, that will NOT leave her satisfied! And stop with the attitude (on her part too) that it will hurt. That attitude is the reason that it does hurt many women. It doesn't have to!! Seriously! Pain during sex is ALWAYS a sign that something is wrong, even the first time.

soonhitched

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Posted: 01-23-08 12:45pm


Thanks for the reply. This is really good to just get it out there in the open, it's not a subject I can really talk with anyone about. As for the oral sex, i'm absolutely fine performing oral sex on her (at least I think I will). I guess the question is, will she be fine with it. Only she knows, but again, how does that come up? I was thinking of sitting down with her maybe a month or two before the wedding and just laying down the boundaries (or at least state what we're comfortable with) - much like what we did when we first started dating. But somehow this just feels different, I guess I just gotta man up and ask "are you open to performing / receiving oral sex?" I think I'm worried that I'm going to be more open, and she'll just be mortified. Another big question that I will definitely never ask anyone outside this forum. I struggled with pornography issues. I know that what I saw in pornography is not making love - it's just the complete opposite, usually a selfish, physical and one-sided view of sex. But I have always had a thing for pulling out and cumming on a girl. I'm afraid this really isn't normal "in the real world", but I think it's going to be something that I want to do. Normal? Should I even bring that up or maybe wait until we get more comfortable?

Georgia59

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Posted: 01-23-08 12:58pm


Well, first of all, some guys really do pull out and ejaculate on the girl in the real world. My hubby and I have done it. He loves is, though only sometimes because, well, it's messy lol. I guess maybe wait on that one until a little later, she might not appreciate it right away. And honestly, don't worry so much about the porn thing. Not such a big deal as long as you're still enjoying a healthy sex life. I don't mind my man watching porn as long as we're still having sex. Here's what I would do about oral- While you're getting ready to have sex, it will be pretty easy and should be pretty natural for you to have your hands down there. You should. You should be gently rubbing, caressing, her whole body, breasts, stomach, genitals, etc. Don't put your fingers in her or rub her clit unless they are lubricated, either with spit or lube (lube is better because spit dries up really fast). Then you can start kissing too- and start kissing all over- her shoulder, down her body to her breasts, her stomach, her inner thighs, you get the idea. If she is uncomfortable with it, she will let you know. Most likely if she is uncomfortable it will be because she thinks she smells funky or looks ugly,or she thinks she'll taste funky, many women feel this way. It will help if you compliment her as you go (I've never seen you this way before, you're so beautiful) or (you're natural scent is SO hot) or something like that. Also, if you think this might be an issue, taking a shower or bath together before hand would help for many reasons: 1- it would help you both get in the mood and get comfortable being naked around each other 2- it will assure both of you that your genitals aren't funky and be ok with someone else being around there 3- you can start foreplay in the bath, it's great!! (but don't have sex in the bath the first time, that's an intermediate skill lol) Plus, a bath together can be damn romantic. I personally don't think you need to formally discuss it, but having a casual, no-pressure conversation about sex in general might be a good idea. Talk to her about why she expects it to hurt- she needs to change that attitude. Find out if she's ever masturbated, or anything, and if she hasn't, encourage her to start!! If that freaks her out, maybe it would be something you can help her with later once you guys are more intimate. A woman should really be able to masturbate, or at least know what makes her feel good, in order to have successful and satisfying sex. She needs to be able to give you some direction, or you'll just be shooting in the dark!!

Georgia59

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Posted: 01-23-08 13:00pm


I was going to add- we actually watch porn together sometimes, and I really love when he ejaculates on me (when it's more convenient) because it makes me feel pretty sexy and powerful. Your girl sounds like she needs to come on here and learn more, more so than you!

soonhitched

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Posted: 01-23-08 13:02pm


Cool. And finally, something not so health related, but something I REALLLY want to do right is to set the mood. We're honeymooning in Italy, and our wedding night we are staying in a hotel near the airport. I want, candles everywhere, rose pedals on the floor - what else can I add the you as a woman would love?

soonhitched

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Posted: 01-23-08 13:12pm


As far as her lack of experience, yeah, I view it as a great thing but also definitely a challenge (although my only "experience" is with my hand and porn, so take that for what it is). She is more than what I would call textbook knowledgeable about anatomy, but as far as like positions, etc she's really in the dark where I wish kind of wish I was a little more in the dark.

run4life10

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Posted: 01-23-08 14:07pm

soonhitched wrote:

As far as her lack of experience, yeah, I view it as a great thing but also definitely a challenge (although my only "experience" is with my hand and porn, so take that for what it is). She is more than what I would call textbook knowledgeable about anatomy, but as far as like positions, etc she's really in the dark where I wish kind of wish I was a little more in the dark.

Lack of experience can be a good thing. My boyfriend and I were both 20 year old virgins, and our first time was very special because we had waited. I love that I was his first, and he loves that he was mine. We{ve both become more experienced over time and its better now for both of us but I think its because weve learned together.

As far as setting the mood, every woman is different with things they would like. That could be something you incorporate into your discussions beforehand. But if she is inexperienced she may not know what would be a turn on for her and what wouldn{t. For me, candles would definitely sound appealing, and the rose pedals sound good as well

Georgia59

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Posted: 01-23-08 17:26pm


My (now husband) and I were virgins when we first met, and we have both only had sex with each other. I think it was great- because we learned together and grew together and have a great sex life with no baggage, for the most part. And boy, Italy, roses, candles, that sounds just perfect. I think she'll be blown away. The only other thing I could think to add-- maybe chocolate and fruit? Yumm... I'm hungry. Nice wine.... mmm......music, bubble bath with rose scented oils...... ok now I'm getting lost in my imagination.... One thing I would suggest, though, is that you're prepared with some store-bought lube and condoms (if that's what you choose to use) ahead of time so you're not in the moment and fishing around in a bag for the stuff. For me, lube is a must when we're having sex because I just don't get that wet. It might not be that way for your girl, but to have it around for the first time just to make sure would be a good idea. Either way, she'll be blown away that you went to that effort, regardless of what you do. You might want to talk to the hotel, they might have some kind of package where they'll prepare the room just how you like it for you (for a price, of course) You sound so negative about your "experience" with porn/masturbation. I don't really understand why. It's totally normal. I have to admit, when I first got married I was kind've jealous/insecure about the whole thing, but when I opened my mind a bit and realized that my man really does find me attractive and I don't have to worry, I really grew to not mind so much, and we even enjoy it together sometimes. Plus, you'll find many girls on here who LOVE porn or at least don't mind their men looking at it. I think it's a lot more common than you think. And all men do it. Really very few exceptions. It doesn't make you bad or anything.

Georgia59

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Posted: 01-23-08 17:28pm


I guess what I was trying to say is that you can have the romantic "making love" attitude towards sex (that you have) and enjoy porn and kinkier type things at the same time.

soonhitched

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Posted: 01-23-08 18:12pm


Hey Georgia, As far as porn & masturbation i guess it's just a personal conviction of mine. I just feel like it completely objectifies a woman and takes something special and boils it down to body parts. I can't justify watching "Cum Dumpster 13" and then looking my girl in the eye. I guess I just see it as a distorted reality - women with huge breasts having orgasms every couple minutes, guys with huge penises. That's not even getting into the stuff that seems to almost be like the guy raping the girl. Again, it's just my choice - not preaching. As far as masturbation, hey, nothing wrong there. I've been masturbating since I was 12, and I think it's a pretty healthy habit and better than catching an STD at 16.

soonhitched

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Posted: 01-23-08 18:15pm


also, maybe I would have a different attitude about it if i wasn't exposed to it so early... it can really mess with ya. At least it did with me.

thelmas4sale

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Posted: 01-23-08 19:15pm


im glad you feel that way about porn. i dont mean it to make you feel any worse about it at all. i just feel so...unwanted when my boyfriend watches it. thats what im here for. i would be more than happy to give him what he wants everytime. i guess im afraid he'll get ideas about what a real girl should look like and lose respect for me or something along those lines. other girls are different tho..they dont mind at all if their guy watches. its a personal decision. ofcourse there's no stopping you guys if you've made that choice lol. i just respect men more who have respect for women. im sure your soon to be wife will love you even more for it

Georgia59

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Posted: 01-24-08 09:10am


Well you're right that it's not reality at all- that's a good distinction. But I'm just saying that once you guys are a little more intimate and comfortable with each other's sexuality, you can suggest it? Find out what she thinks, but I'd wait on that one . Like I said, I did have a problem with it at one time, I was pretty insecure about the whole thing. But we've been together 6 years now, and I trust him 100% and well, loosened up a bit. And now I like it! So, you never what will happen. Whatever you choose, communication is the key.

soonhitched

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Posted: 01-27-08 01:00am


So I've been thinking more about why I wouldn't like to use condoms - and I think it's the emotional side of it. We both have saved ourselves for marriage and the idea of sharing that gift with each other and not truly having that contact with her kind of bothers me. To not be able to cum inside of her almost seems like a cruel joke! Not sure if all guys feel this way, but my semen is a part of me and the physical "sharing" of that is kind of symbolic of wanting or really connecting with me. So I think it's just the idea of cumming in a condom and disposing of it seems to - cheapen it? Can anyone relate? I want to get my thoughts straight before I bring it up...

Georgia59

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Posted: 01-27-08 11:17am


I get what you're saying. It makes sense. I don't really like using condoms either- I've never really considered why. AND of course they're not as effective as other types of birth control, so that's a big knock against them. I don't know what your plans are as far as children go, but I guess that's something you need to decide. But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. While I see your point, I think you'll find that sharing pleasure and being able to connect on an emotional level and through physical pleasure is really great- and maybe you won't be so concerned about the actual physical "sharing."

soonhitched

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Posted: 01-27-08 11:59am


Perhaps. I guess I'm kind of sold on an IUD - it's safe, no hormones, effective, allows for spontaniety and of course, contact. However, the increased bleeding and cramping, and also the uncomfortable insertion is really what she's not comfortable with. My point of view is that, although it the increased bleeding is for 1-3 months, and while that sucks, it's also done with (for the most part from what I'm reading after that period). No buying condoms periodically or having to put one on each time we have sex, no remembering/forgetting to take pills. It's kind of frustrating, because with the exception of the condom, most birth control have these side effects that primarily affect the woman - so for me to propose one over the other is like "oh, so you'd rather me go to a gyno and be in pain for a couple months?" Also, I guess this is turning more towards the birth control topic, so i'll paste this over into my other discussion, if we want to continue this...

Georgia59

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Posted: 01-27-08 12:29pm


jumping over to bc....

Birch

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Sidebar... Posted: 01-27-08 12:40pm


This isn't going to be popular, this is exactly why "saving" yourself until marriage is ridiculous. This guy is about to commit to someone for the rest of his life and can't even talk about sex with her.