Bipolar Disorder Forum - wife depressed, then loving


wife depressed, then loving

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lbtx67

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wife depressed, then loving Posted: 01-24-08 23:00pm


I am married to this wonderful women, well some days anyway. Here is the story and I am so confused and troubled. 7 months ago we meet and it is magic. Day by day we are getting along and dating and everything is moving so fast. 2 months after dating we get married and things, although hectic, are good. 1 month after marriage a few strange episodes take place. 1. She gets really depressed one day and talks about attempting suicide 2. 2 days after that episode it's like it never happened 3. 2 days after that she is back at it with the huge temper and rage. 4. 2 days after that you can't find a more loving soul. This goes on for a month, then one day she comes home from work, (She is a pediatrician) she informs me that I have to leave. She says she does not love me anymore. I am devastated. Turns out she empties the bank account (joint) and cuts off our credit cards so I spend 3 days sleeping my car (was the weekend) waiting to get things straightened out. I don't hear from her for 2 weeks and she claims that her ex wants custody of her kids and she does not want me to go through that. So days turn to weeks and we file for divorce mid January. I go to sign the divorce papers and she starts crying telling me she loves me and wants me to come home. Over the next 2 days I get about 40 emails, calls and IMs proclaiming love and reconciliation. She talks to the attorneys to tell them to stop the divorce and such and then blammo. She talks to me 3 times that day, expressing love and all but saying we can't be together. Then the day after that, she won't even answer the phone and she is a doctor, she HAS to have it on her at all times. So what do I do? She tells me she loves me and wants me to come home one day, doesn't even answer the phone the next. She expresses extreme guilt / sorrow for treating me the way she has and wants to stop the divorce yet won't. I can't take being told she loves me one day and won't even talk to me the next day. What gives? I am resigned to the fact I should move on. Trouble is, I care for her greatly. PS, I don't have anything in my background that would even come up on a custody battle. I have a great job record and am pretty much a quiet, normal, person. Her ex (another Doctor) is suing her over the kids beause he says she has made bad choices, which is true to some extent in her past. So what do I do? Do I wait? Or do I give up? Her swings are so dramatic and painful to deal with. Troubled in Missouri....

lbtx67

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Any advice? Posted: 01-26-08 11:07am


Please, anyone have advice here? I don't know what to do.

Galaxy

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Posted: 01-26-08 12:34pm


I am stunned that a woman working in the medical field has allowed herself to get into this state. She is clearly in need of urgent medical attention and it does seem as though the custody battle is bringing things to a head. I am sure you must know some of her colleagues at work who could take a professional look at her and try to get her on a treatment programme. Can you get in touch with any of them? My other concern is for her children - it cannot be much fun for them living with a mother who is so erratic in her behaviour. They may be better with their father for now until she gets her life more under control. I could of course comment on the speed at which she met and married you while there is an ongoing custody case but I shall leave that to the cynics to ponder and suggest that you put in place some self-preservation tactics as I feel this is going to be a very bumpy ride. As for divorcing her - you say care for her so try to get her mind off that for now and encourage her to focus on getting well. Good luck.

lbtx67

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Posted: 01-26-08 14:13pm


I try to get her mind off of it, but she won't relent. At least every other day or so, it is to the point I may need to get an attorney. The Custody case appeared 45 days after the marriage. It was not going on when we met and dated and married. As for self preservation, I am working on that, I gave up my high paying job when we married, so I am now looking for a replacement as I can't go back to the old one. She is taking medicine now for what she says is high anxiety. Seroquel is one med and that is for Bipolar I hear. it is almost as if they might be using her disease as a weapon against her in custody and she fears that since I can't lie on the witness stand about it, that she wants me far away until this is over. She told the court that I left her, which is not the case. I am so confused, I want to help her, but I feel doing the right thing here would devastate her since I agree, the kids should go tho their dads.

antigone

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Wife depressed then loving - thoughts and advice Posted: 01-27-08 12:49pm


I met my husband while working and we married in just three months. That was 12 yrs. ago and we are still together. Sounds perfect? Not even close. We went through some very bumpy times. My husband has an undiagnosed and unmedicated mental disorder. Life was rough at that time. I have been there. Your wife is on seroquel? That is a med to treat bipolar disorder. As you described her behavior she sounded to me like a person suffering from an undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Her erratic behavior is typical of bpd (bipolar disorder). Emptying the bank account and cutting you off and telling you to leave then wanting you back are behaviors that are consistent with bpd. I call it the "come hither, go away!" cycle. Alienation then reconciliation. It is a bad roller coaster ride. It sounds to me like her moods are all over the place, therefore her behavior is erratic due to the moods. Until she is more stable she is likely to have more of these types of episodes. I live with this. I have 2 children that have bpd and my husband has seasonal affect disorder - a mild type of bpd. Life can be very chaotic and turn upside down with bpd. If your wife is taking seroquel it suggests she has started treatment for a mental health disorder. If she suffers with bpd stability can take time. Stability is the illusive nirvana we all struggle to achieve with bpd. There is no one size fits all formula for treating bpd or any mental health disorder. You just keep trying different meds to hopefully find the right one for each person. Symptoms guide the choices for some meds being given - it is not just random but at times it appears that way. Stability takes time. Some people reach a stable point quickly. I assume she has not talked to you about her disorder? This can be rough water to navigate. You could try to talk to her in a calm moment. Tell her you know what seroquel is for. Try to open some dialogue about what is happening with her. Just because she is a physician does not mean she is well versed in mental health disorders. Keep in mind that she is a person first. Denial is a powerful thing. My husband is a pharmacist but he did not recognize his own disorder. It takes a certain level of self examination and honesty for one to come to terms with knowing you are not well. Mental illness carries a certain amount of stigma with it. It is not fair or right but that is the reality. Coming to terms with a diagnosis of a mental health disorder is difficult for many people. Your wife is not immune to the trappings of the human condition. She needs to find a good doctor, the correct meds. and time. You need to have an open talk with her but first you need to decide if you are ready and want to do this. BPD is a cruel master. It can ravage your life and steal parts of life from you. I am an RN. I no longer practice due to my family situation. It rules my world. I have had to come to terms with all the muck that comes with a family member(s) that suffers with mental illness. Education and support are your two best allies. Know what you are dealing with. Find people that share your situation. You will need the shoulder to cry on. So will she. If you are committed to staying with her and she is willing to try then you both need to find support and education. This is not easy. Life can become very difficult but with the proper support and medical treatment it can be managed, not cured. There is no cure for bpd. It is like riding the waves - sometimes calm, sometimes rough. You hang in there because you have to. The custody thing. Most courts will not penalize a parent for past mistakes if it is associated with an undiagnosed mental health disorder. Once that has been established then compliance with treatment is mandatory. You must show that you are being treated and following the prescribed treatment. I don't think they will take complete custody from her. They may give the father temporary sole custody until she is more stable. This is probably in the best interests of all parties involved. Your wife needs to get well. Stress does not help in that endeavor. Allowing herself permission to take the time to get well and not have to take care of the children would be helpful. The children would be in a stable environment (assuming the father is stable and responsible) and won't have to live with the chaos that ensures with mental illness that is not treated. Your wife needs to come to terms with her condition and realize that getting well is the best thing for her and her children. It does not have to be a permanent situation. A good attorney can get an order for an predetermined number of days and have the issue revisited at a future date. She should have contact with her children during that time. When approached from the angle that she is giving her children a future by getting well first and then getting joint or full custody you offer hope and appeal to her intellect. You have a lot to consider here. Go forth armed with knowledge, an open mind and a full heart. You will need them all. It is a difficult path but can be traversed. I chose to stay - my husband is a wonderful man and worth every effort I extended to keep our marriage intact. We are both better for the effort! Sorry for the long post. I hope it helps.

Galaxy

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Posted: 01-27-08 13:04pm


I don't know a lot about BPD but that post, Antigone, was most helpful. Welcome to ehealth, by the way!

lbtx67

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Posted: 01-27-08 15:55pm


Hi guys, she talked to me today after 5 days of silence. I am a composer, I write music for a living and met with a band I was going to work with last night. The female singer made me a tad uncomfortable. I called her on the way home and mentioned that I thought of her and that I wish this silence would end. Well I then she calls and tells me to NOT bring my girlfriend when I come get some more of my stuff this upcoming weekend. I tried to tell her that I do not have any girl at all but she hangs up. She calls again to apologize and was stern voiced about me coming to get my stuff. Its funny, she is rejecting me and she is worried that im kissing another girl? I am married, why on earth would I do that? I am not sure what to do at this point. My family and friends want me away from the pain, but I worry about her.

antigone

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Posted: 01-27-08 16:25pm


Hi lbtx67, I posted to you earlier. So the saga continues. It will until her disorder is under control. Emotional abuse and sabotage are common behaviors with bpd. She is pushing you away now. Give it time. She will call you again. You need to talk to a professional about your situation. Get some advice as how to go forward. You are on a yoyo string right now. Your wife holds the string and will pull according to her mood. You need to be able to discuss this with her or walk away without having feelings of guilt and remorse. Your wife sounds like she is still unstable. There may be no reasoning with her until she is more stable. Your family and friends care about you and don't want to see you ripped apart in a destructive relationship. Unfortunately, if your wife does not seek the help she needs the relationship will be destructive to you. You need to consider that. You need to keep it together for yourself and for her, if there is any going forward in your marriage. Right now your wife holds the ball in her court. You can not force her to get treatment. You can preserve yourself and be there when the dust settles. At that point you can decide if this is what you want. My thoughts are with you. All the best.

lbtx67

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Posted: 01-27-08 16:28pm


I think she is still going through with the divorce, how can that not get through to her as a bad thing?

lbtx67

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Posted: 01-27-08 16:42pm


She just called when i texted her about some direct emails I sent. She said it was my fault for being mean to her, thats why she is mad at me. Sigh.

antigone

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Posted: 01-27-08 17:01pm


She is not thinking in a clear way. Her thoughts are probably going in circles. Also, bpd causes people to have great difficulty transitioning. Changing things around, going from one thing to another is very hard for them. School age kids have trouble going from one activity to another, especially if they have not finished the task before them. If your wife is on track with divorce she may not be able to let go of that easily. You may not be able to reason with her at this time. Do you know who her psychiatrist is? You could try to appeal to him/her and see if there is any way they can offer assistance. Let them know how unstable she is. They won't reveal any information to you (hippa violation if they do) but they may be able to try contact her and get her in for an appointment. You are really between a rock and a hard place. You may not be able to stop the divorce. If you are really committed to her, wait. Hopefully, she will get help. THEN you can talk to her. If she does not get help do you want to be on this crazy ride forever? I am impressed with your commitment to your wife. She is not aware of your deep love for her. She may not be capable of receiving that love right now. Give it some time. Perhaps writing to her would be a better way to try to get through. You can't hang up on a letter or interrupt a letter. Poor you. You want to go forward but are stuck in the mud. You can't make people do what you think is best. Take care of you for now. No matter what happens you need to be strong and healthy so you can face whatever the future holds. Divorce sucks but living with people with mental disorders is no bed of roses. Hang in there.

Galaxy

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Posted: 01-27-08 17:11pm


I am reading the posts on here with interest and it does seem to me that you will need to take a step back from this. Perhaps you can tell her that you will accept no more calls, no more emails or texts from her meantime till she gets her medication sorted out. If you keep responding and reacting, everything will go round in vicious circles and neither of you will move forward. It is called 'skilful neglect' - you need to do it, for both your sakes.

lbtx67

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Posted: 01-27-08 17:38pm


She keeps telling me that she doesn't deserve me and that I am a saint for being wiling to go thru so much. i do not know her doctors name, I wish I did. She keeps asking me to go with the divorce, wait it out and things may get better for her. But how? How can a divorce improve things and this one day she loves me the next im a bad guy is hurting me greatly. She won't let me help her and is trying to destroy me when I try.

antigone

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Posted: 01-27-08 17:59pm


This is the circular thinking of someone with a mental disorder. We think in linear thoughts and they think in circles when not stable. You need to do for you. suckers said, take a step back. As an RN I tell the families of patients to go home, rest, eat well, take time for you. You need to be whole and well to be able to be there for your loved one. I don't know that she really wants to destroy you but is pushing you out so as not to hurt you with all the chaos she is feeling. Sounds crazy, eh? It is but you are not driving the car. She is. Step back and wait. You may be able to get through to her later. How long has she been taking seroquel? It takes about 3 weeks to reach theraputic levels. She may not be there yet. Step back, breathe, and take care of you.

lbtx67

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Posted: 01-27-08 18:28pm


She has been on it for a few years i think.

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Posted: 01-27-08 20:08pm


Sounds like a mixture of bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I met my husband, was engaged in 3 weeks, and married after 9 months. Considering we met over the internet, we really didn't know each other really well when we got married. Our first two years were awful. I have bpd, but didn't know it back then. That was in 1996, so we've been together for 11 years. He knew I'd dealt with depression in the past, so when the "crazy" started, he didn't know what to do. I'd say things didn't smooth out until after the 7th year or so. Everything's been fine since I got my medications right for my disorder. I'm really fortunate my husband didn't walk out on me and the kids (or kick me out). He threatened many times and we talked about divorce a lot, but it's so complicated with children. I think this woman needs to see a psychiatrist ASAP. I'd say, since you love her so much, practice some "tough love;" in other words, "it's my way or you can't come back." This relationship will only become more toxic and crazy if she does not get the right help and medication she needs--it's obvious there's something definitely going on, mentally. Once she starts to level out and she and you are both still interested, give it a good long while before getting too serious again. I think my friend's doctor told her to be stable for one or two years before even thinking about dating. So sorry she's put you through this. Stay strong, and don't take her back unless she gets some help. If she's borderline, she may always be unable to maintain any type of healthy relationship. I hope you can get her to get some help.

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Posted: 01-27-08 20:30pm


So we're all of one accord, lbtx67 - keep your distance for a while! The Borderline Personality as mentioned by designlady is a real possibility (Google for it - there is an interesting Wikipedia article on it) as she sounds very like someone i know well, who was originally diagnosed with anxiety and depression but who deteriorated further until he was diagnosed BP. As designlady says, a relationship is really not sustainable in that case. I hope you continue posting to let us know how things are going.

antigone

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Posted: 01-27-08 21:14pm


Interesting that designlady brought up borderline personality disorder. This is now thought to be a bpd spectrum disorder. Your wife has these tendencies. That is the "come hither, go away" cycle I referred to earlier. Since your wife is initiating the divorce I don't know that you will have the opportunity to show her tough love. You may be left with self preservation. She will probably try to win you back at some point. That point may not be until she gets better control of her disorder. In my previous post I inadvertently typed sucker. I meant to type shonster. Dwelling on this is not going to help you. Get busy with something. Write some music. Pour all this muck into some verse and write a song. Go out with your friends and family. Stay busy and occupied. You will know what to do when the time comes. She needs help but you are powerless to get her there. Do what you can for you and the rest will take care of itself. Let us know how it comes out. We have all been there on some level - personally or with a loved one.

lbtx67

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Posted: 01-27-08 21:32pm


She called me back and told me that my tough love emil I sent her was mean and hateful. Sigh. She says she isn't bipolar and accused me of having BPD. She says that the attorney ad litum says that she needs help and she has to be single for a while. I can't see any state representative saying anything like that. I made an appointment to go get my stuff Friday night. She wants me to wait until some unknown future date and wait for her. Then again, she says my email says it is over, but I am ignoring her response for now.

antigone

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Posted: 01-27-08 21:55pm


Denial is a powerful thing. Keep in mind that she is not well. No matter what the diagnosis is, she is not well. I don't think an attorney ad litum would tell her that unless there is something to this with her children. Is this an attorney for the children, to act in the children's best interest? You are not being mean. You are trying to make sense of nonsense. Tell her to get help and you will be as supportive as you can. Whether you stay or not you can decide when the time is right. Chin up!