possibly bp and OCD

Hi everyone!

Whenever I have upset mood symptoms, I'd search "bipolar" and read about it and sometimes think that perhaps I have that or depression. Here's a bit of my history....

When I was 16 (sophomore in high school), my closest uncle attempted suicide, was in the hospital for 3 weeks in a coma, and then his family decided to "pull the plug" and he passed away. My emotions were very numb throughout this whole process, and about 4-5 months after his death, I began having emotional and mental issues. I've always been a perfectionist and OCD tendencies seem to run in my family (we always joke about them), but suddenly my OCD began getting really, really bad. There would be days and maybe even weeks where all I could do was sit in my room and cry, feeling as if the world was coming to an end, feeling despairing, feeling like I was a terrible, awful person that would end up eternally punished, having a huge sense of foreboding, feeling spiritually and mentally disturbed, and being really OCD about certain things. Sometimes I'd talk and whisper to myself (I think that was one of my OCD things), and I couldn't do school work or practice my instrument (which I was pursuing for college). I went to a counselor for about 1 1/2 years, which really helped, but it took me awhile to get over things and every one or two months I'd have reoccurring bouts of these symptoms. I never saw a medical doctor, but looking back I assumed that I had depression. (Does it sound like it?) I'd get these reoccurring bouts especially around Christmas time. Ever since this whole ordeal, I haven't felt like the person I used to be, but perhaps that's part of growing up. I almost feel like part of me is torn inside and it's not healed (but maybe it's because I seem to be entering one of my "down" moods right now).

A few years later, I went to college, halfway across the country, and especially there I kept feeling better and better, perhaps because I was in a different environment and the memories from my awful junior year of high school (the worst year of my life) couldn't haunt me because I wasn't at home where it all had happened. Every time I'd come home, I'd kind of feel this kind of haunting feeling, but things have been better and I haven't had any of these awful "depression" bouts for a few years. However, I didn't allow myself to actually feel sad and cry about my uncle's death until last year. (I'm now 21, a junior in college.)

Even though I don't get those awful, completely demobilizing periods, I still get "down," and sometimes I feel really down. I used to wear my emotions on my sleeve all the time, but this schoolyear I've tried not to burden others with my small troubles, so I keep my problems to myself and I have usually shared my problems with friends after they've passed. Sometimes something will trigger a sad or upset emotion in me, and I go over the top with it and I will lie in bed at night or sit in a room by myself, crying about it. I'll also spend time on the internet looking up sad or depressed quotes when I'm feeling down. I think part of me enjoys feeling down and feeling sorry for myself, sadly enough. However, then I'll get these "high" periods. I've been trying to keep a "Mood and Food" diary, of what I eat and what my mood is like every day. Two weeks ago, my mood was very low, and then it went up to a "regular" mood. Then good things started happening to me (had verbal, positive reinforcement from people I care about, had good prospects for summer activities ahead of me, etc.) and I felt like I was on top of the world! Life looked so bright and happy! One of my friends told me "you're on a high right now," to which I replied, "Yeah, I feel as if I could tackle the world!" At that point I felt that my life was in order, I was really organized, people respected me, people noticed my hard work, I was positive, and I was ready to tackle anything that came my way! The thought of hard work did not phase me, either.

I was in a very good, positive mood for a whole week, and then today a little thing happened which struck one of my mood chords and I began feeling down again. It wasn't even that big of a thing (my good friends were going out tonight, and I was standing right there but wasn't exactly included in the conversation, and they didn't even ask if I wanted to come along). I distracted myself from moping by hanging out w/ other people, but once I was by myself at my apartment, I began feeling down, looking up sad quotes, and kind of berating myself inside, feeling that they totally forgot I'm 21 now, or that they didn't ask me because they don't want me coming with them; I thought how I wouldn't make a good co-chair of our student advocacy group even though I was just told last week that I would make an excellent one, felt like no one notices me or the hard work I do (even though I was told people do notice), and I almost felt like crying.

So I'll go through a good mood and then something will rub me the wrong way and will send me into a bad mood, and I'm not sure what to make of this. Is it just because I'm a girl and we like to get emotional over little things? I just don't understand how I can feel so happy and then one little thing will tear down that happiness and I won't even want to try to feel good...I'll just want to wallow in my sadness.

Perhaps I'm just imagining that I have a problem, and maybe it isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. I'd just like some other, objective opinions, if others wouldn't mind.

Also, I can get very ambitious (going along with wanting to "tackle the world"), and I always have to keep busy or I'll feel restless and down.