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number game

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 04 Jun 2007
Posts: 1212
Location: Charlotte, NC,

I need your help! Posted: 01-30-08 18:40pm


Okay let me first tell you a little past info. Ryan use to do drugs a while back in our relationship. He has since stopped. Well I thought he had stopped. Well I know he's stopped using the hard ones for a long while now. But the other day I caught him smoking weed. He told me it was the only time because he was stresses from giving away hid 2 dogs of 5 years. I was pissed but didn't say much. Well this morning I go outside to his truck to get some papers that he left in there. I found a bag of weed and didn't say anything because he was still sleeping. I came home from the hospital early this afternoon to find him smoking a blunt on the front porch. Now I'm extreamly pissed and hurt because he's aparently been lying to me about it. I WILL NOT raise Carly in this type of home! I REFUSE! I told him he has 30 days to get this crap out of his system before I drug test him. And I told him that if it was still in his system that I wouldn't be bring Carly home here. That I would e moving in with my dad. I love him and don't want to leave him nor do I want Carly raised without a daddy. But I need for him to be clean and responsible. He also supports me and I don't have to work. But if I leave him I'll have to work and put Carly in daycare. But I can't put her in daycare because of RSV and other colds and viruses this is per the doctors. So I have no idea how I could handle taking care of her on my own without him there to support uss. I have no idea what to do and could use all suggestions. As if I'm not under enough stress as it is right now! Now I have to deal with him doing some dumb caca like this. Please advice or suggestions would be great!

Hollyberries

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Posted: 01-30-08 19:17pm


well my fiance does, and it doesn't bother me. 1) cause he does it on his own time, and NEVER in the house, or near it. I personally would much rather seem him NOT do it, but i'm not going to be telling him what he can, and can not do. He knows better than to bring it around us, or our home. I understand where you are coming from, and those are your choices, and if he can't deal with that then i guess he'll be having a really hard choice to make. I hope it works out for you both, and you can get him to quit.

Verizon-y

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Posted: 01-30-08 19:23pm


Many people smoke pot and it does not interfere with their productivity (i.e. their work/job doesn't suffer, etc.). However, some people cannot, and it seriously interferes with their daily lives. Only you know which one Ryan is. If he is the latter type, then you are definitely doing the right thing by demanding that he stop. If he is the former, perhaps there is a way for you two to work this out, where he doesn't have to give it up 100%. For example, you could ask him not to smoke in your home or your car, and to only smoke on weekends. Just my opinion.

yellow ribbon

Especially EHEALTHy

Joined: 07 Dec 2005
Posts: 5554
Location: FL

Posted: 01-30-08 19:36pm


i personally dont see a problem with smoking pot when its in moderation and not in the house or car. having the occasional doobie out back in your fenced in back yard wouldnt bother me. I think weed is better than alcohol. makes you calmer and less stressed. BUT since hes had a drug problem in the past in might lead to big problems if he tries to get a better drug...

Shanyan

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Posted: 01-30-08 19:37pm


This is a tough one because I understand where you are coming from. I was always anti-drug and when I met my dh I learned that he had smoked in the past. I made it very clear that I didn't want him doing it. Well he claimed that wasn't but he was still doing it behind my back. We ended coming to an agreement that I didn't care if he did it just as long as he doesn't do it in our home/car etc.. The reason that I am ok with it now is because my dh is a very hard worker, he works a full-time (12hr shifts, 5-6 days a wk) which allows me to be able to stay home for my kids. He takes care of his family so I don't mind if he smokes here and there. It helps him to relax and wind down from his job. For my dh I know that smoking pot is where it ends.....but you need to ask yourself if smoking pot will be enough for Ryan or if you think that he would go on to heavier drugs. One thing I think that is if you order him to stop I think that he probably will still do it behind your back. I am sorry that know you have something else to worry about..like you really need this right now. In reality you have to do what you will be able to live with. For me this was easier than living without my dh. It really isn't an evil drug as long as it doesn't get out of control. Good luck Rachel and if you ever need to talk just pm me. I'm here for you

Ingi

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Posted: 01-30-08 19:54pm


Rachel, I am going to assume he didn't talk to you about this because of your attitude and threatening him with leaving him. You two will need to sit down and have 'the talk' about how you feel about drugs. It is apparent that he feels one way on the issue and you feel another. Both of you may have to give a little.

*star*

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Posted: 01-30-08 22:09pm


This is a real tough one. Let me see, well first of all I would say that I totally can understand where you are coming from in more way than one. Its aparant why you dont want him smoking and being around Carly...not a good influance... I also understand that you dont wnat him to smoke, becuase you dont know if or when it will lead to other harder drugs. Sometimes, not all the time, people who use drugs and then stop will start again if they start smoking pot. As much as people want to say that its NOT a gateway drug, it sure as heck is if you have had a problem with drugs in the past. One other thing I wanted to say is that I am not sure if it is the best thing to threaten him to stop smoking. I agree with Ingi in that you guys need to sit down and have a serious talk about how it makes you feel. Let me tell you that I have seen WAY WAY to many times in that the wife doesn't want the husband to smoke and finds out about him smoking and threatens him if she finds out about it, and he will continue to hide it and do it more. I have seen this kind of behavior RUIN marriages more than once with my friends and family. Threatening only makes the guy want to hide it more and he will think hes getting better at it. Wow, sorry, went off on a tangent there. I have had some personal experience with this Rachel, so thats why I am so pationate about it. If you ever want to talk about it, PM me and we can talk...

number game

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 04 Jun 2007
Posts: 1212
Location: Charlotte, NC,

Posted: 01-30-08 22:35pm


You guys are right I shouldn't threaten him. And I know it's no SO bad. But it is the point that I don't want Carly to grow up and find out that dad smokes and then she thinks it's ok. I can't say I've never done it because I have. But it's been YEARS ago like when I was 16-19 maybe 20. But it just....I don't know. I love him and don't want to live without him but it seems that he should have no problem stoping something that bothers me or could effect the was his daughter looks at him as she gets older. I know a lot of people smoke and lead perfectly fine daily lives it just to me seems as an immature thing to do. But that's just my opinion which dosen't really matter. And we have talked severel times in the past about this. He stopped for like a year and a half and then started back and it lead him back to "that stuff". So that's exactly what I worry about. He says that he'll never do "that stuff" again but when you've delt with an addiction you don't know what you'll do or not. And also it bothers me that he spends $100 on something that's going to go up in smoke when it could have been spent on the things that we need. I really have no say about the money though seeing as how I don't work. Maybe I'm jsut an old prude and need to loosen up but if I do that I'll feel as if I've lost control and no longer have a hand on things. That's another thing, I have a serious control issue....really it's bad. I feel the need to control EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Which I know that's where some of the threatening is coming from. I can't help it, it's became such a part of me and how I live. I know that this is something that I need help with as well. I don't know that's a whole other story. Anyways thanks ladies. Maybe I'll jsut let it slide under the rug. shrugs sighs

yellow ribbon

Especially EHEALTHy

Joined: 07 Dec 2005
Posts: 5554
Location: FL

Posted: 01-30-08 22:48pm

~~rachel~~ wrote:

I have a serious control issue....really it's bad. I feel the need to control EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

o hi are you my twin? lol i TOTALLY understand that. One thing yall should discuss is the amount he spends on it. maybe thats one thing he can cut back since thats alot of money!

OctoberBaby06

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Posted: 01-30-08 22:52pm


I'd probably be pretty upset with Shane if he started doing that. We both were bad into that & drinking before I got pregnant. I'd probably just think that he could be off doing WORSE things, ya know?

acruz

Active User, Really EHEALTHy

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Posted: 01-31-08 09:43am


I'm sorry Rachel. I have never dealt with this situation so really have no idea how I would handle it. I am sure it will all work out if you and Ryan just sit down and talk about everything and how you both feel.

Willa Weintraub

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Posted: 01-31-08 09:51am


Well the way i look at it. . . I can see people saying if he had a drug problem he should stop but maybe thats one of his ways NOT to do the hard stuff. I agree with everyone in saying pot is not a big deal as long as it is in moderatio, does not cause disfunction in your life and is not around the kids. Carly will not growing up thining it's ok (IMO). to me, chances are by the time she is old enough to understand he may be out of the whole smoking pot thing, you never know. And if he isn't doing it around her, she should have no idea.

babyAndy

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 12 May 2007
Posts: 347

Posted: 02-01-08 02:13am


I think it would have been good if you was open with you about it. But I say pot is better then alcohol???? I totally see where you are coming from, I would get upset if DH came home stoned with baby here. But as mad as I would be, i would rather stoned then drunk???? Can he be open with you about it? And or promise not to do it in and around the house and never when he is caring for Carly???

Shanyan

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Posted: 02-01-08 09:38am


It is true, I would rather my husband smoke a joint than get drunk. I have issues with people who are drunk. Another thing I wanted to add as long as he is not doing it in front of Carly she will not know. My son is 11 and my daughter is 5 and they have absolutely no clue because my dh does it outside when they are both asleep.

I need your help!