Depression Forum - Totally Fed Up! Should i even be here ?

Hello! This is the first time I%u2019ve ever done anything like this so please bear with me and hear me out. As I%u2019m a stubborn lad (unfortunately) and think I should deal with it all by myself, its took me 4 years now to talk about what%u2019s really let me go in terms of why I don%u2019t want to be here anymore.
I%u2019m 20years old and have always been noted for the advantages I had back at school, like many others on here. I was one of them %u201Cpopular lads%u201D in the school and I was full of confidence and always had a Girlfriend (who always seemed to be the popular girl)%u2026 My head is already starting to rattle here. As a kid I always felt rejected in comparison to my brother, I was completely disregarded because I%u2019m not the 'cuddly' type of son. I always sat by myself playing, and from a young age iv grown to know that if I don%u2019t bother others, then they won%u2019t bother me! That way I won%u2019t get hurt anymore! Is this right?
I used to have tons of friends back at school. but now my best friend in the whole world is my nanna. sad I know. Plus I get the unconditional love from my two gorgeous baby sisters. Even though I do still try take care of myself, I feel I have let myself down in every way possible! I%u2019ve had one suicide attempt failure after I finally stood up to everything and let it all out. I usually keep my emotions behind closed doors and I feel embarrassed if others see me. I even feel embarrassed now. I should be sat in a pub somewhere right now, watching Newcastle get beat, but that will just dampen any hope of getting back on track to the way I%u2019m supposed to be. But this is so hard trying to put a feeling on paper, that%u2019s probably why I%u2019m babbling on. It%u2019s on the tip of my tongue what I want to say, but I get a gut wrenching churn that makes me feel that I should suffer that little bit longer.
I%u2019m too F**king emotionally intact with everything is my problem. I always put others first before me, which is a good thing I know. But I sometimes take it too far. I bought myself a jacket for £195, proper nice like!! But then ended up taking it back because I thought to myself%u2026I used to buy this and not give a caca%u2026.but now I feel selfish if I did that. Instead with the money I went and got a cheap weekend away for my nanna because she was worrying about things at home too much. I%u2019m no saint so don%u2019t think I am. I just care a lot for others to be happy! Anybody else would do the same, but people have never done it for me. Suicide seems a option now, and not something to stay clear off. I lied as a kid to impress my parents%u2026.but it never worked. I%u2019m so embarrassed by it man. But I just got the name as a liar. I%u2019m not a liar. I just want someone, just one person to be proud of me. Id give up anything so I can feel wanted or someone to be interested in what I do and not what I look like. I miss people who I think could make a difference. But all I want%u2026%u2026is to be %u201Cme%u201D again! And I can%u2019t do it by myself. I%u2019m so far over the edge now, 20year of heartbreak has taking its toll and im so scared of being alone through it all. sick of crying on a night and breaking whats left of me. Please help me. I don%u2019t want this anymore%u2026I never have!