Abortion Pro Choice Forum - Raped as a child and choices as an adult

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Raped as a child and choices as an adult

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Vivac

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Raped as a child and choices as an adult Posted: 02-13-08 00:23am


I don't know where to start with this so I will just type and see where it goes... I had a medical abortion a few weeks ago and the day after I came to this forum and typed it all out in anouther thread. I still have no regrets, I feel so relived to have my life back and I can finally start to think clearly again. I know what I did was right and I do not want anyone to tell me that I was wrong for the choice I made. Those who needed to know about it know and those who don't will never hear about it. What confuses me now is that I almost see a connection to a rape that happened 16 years ago and my recent abortion. I could be wrong. When I was 8 years old I was raped by a relative of mine. Out of fear I kept it quiet for 12 years and a few years ago I told my family. Things didn't go so well when I told my family and he is still in my life and will not go away. He never touched me again since I was 9 (when my period started) but the feeling of the pain he brought into my life still lives strong in my mind. I have hated my own body since and for years I performed self harm on my own breast and places on my body that are hidden by a swim suit because I was angry for being a woman. Before I was old enough to fully understand what being pregnant and sex is about I would punch myself in my stomach to get rid of what could possibly be living in there, I would even insert stuff into my vagina to also rid myself of what could be in there, this stopped when I was around 13 when I knew more about what was involved in creating a baby. To this day I have problems connection with others in my social life and relationships. I have always felt different and very alone. I work in animal medicine rather then with people because animals make me feel safe and it's a job I enjoy. I can not see people as being compassionate and there for have to reason to see children or people as something I care to socialize with. I now have a wonderful, very supportive and logical thinking, boyfriend who I have been with for 5 1/2 years. It was with him that I became pregnant a couple months ago and the both of us decided together that we did not want to have a child at this time in our lives. Many factors played into this decision and to be honest there is more to the choice I made then what I am typing here. Ok, so the point that I've been babbling on about and the question I have to ask is that I don't know if the choices I make now as an adult are a result of my experience in my childhood. I don't know if I could ever raise a child further down in my life and fully be able to connect or accept it. I have so far chosen to never have kids. Being able to have the choice of abortion has very much saved my own life from further torture and embarrassment. I am posting in this section because I am sure that the abortion I had recently was right and I don't want to be criticized any other way.

Birch

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Posted: 02-14-08 21:24pm


What a tragedy. I am so sorry you have had to deal with this abuse on your own for years. There is a substantial amount of information out there that points to the fact that what happens to us when we are small imprints on us and shapes the way we interact with others in the future. However, you are able to reframe these experiences in your mind and change. I would encourage you to seek professional guidance. A rape is a very, very serious crime against a young girl. You did not go into much detail, but if your family did not take it well and you still have contact with him there must be some serious issues there. I hope you find a way to get healing.

Katrinadoodle

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Posted: 02-14-08 22:00pm


Of course your childhood has an effect on your adult life, as it does for us all. I was raped at 13 and aborted the subsequent pregnancy. It was the best decision of my life. I went on to fall in love with my ex-fiance, and we now have a beautiful 2 month old daughter. If you ever feel like you want to have a child, your past doesn't necessarily mean you won't love him or her. If you don't feel like you want kids, that's fine to. If you do think you want them and are just scared about how you'd connect, seek help. Trust me, letting out the poison helps LOADS. It doesn't have to even be a doctor, just talking to someone you trust is enough. I think you should stay away from your rapist. I can't even imagine what kind of psychological damage that's wreaking on you. I hope you aren't still harming yourself? You are incredibly strong to have made it this far. I tried to kill myself -and almost succeeded- after the rape. The fact that we are both still here makes us survivors.

Flurries in the air

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Posted: 02-14-08 23:07pm

Katrinadoodle wrote:

Of course your childhood has an effect on your adult life, as it does for us all.

I was raped at 13 and aborted the subsequent pregnancy. It was the best decision of my life. I went on to fall in love with my ex-fiance, and we now have a beautiful 2 month old daughter. If you ever feel like you want to have a child, your past doesn't necessarily mean you won't love him or her.

If you don't feel like you want kids, that's fine to. If you do think you want them and are just scared about how you'd connect, seek help. Trust me, letting out the poison helps LOADS. It doesn't have to even be a doctor, just talking to someone you trust is enough.

I think you should stay away from your rapist. I can't even imagine what kind of psychological damage that's wreaking on you.

I hope you aren't still harming yourself? You are incredibly strong to have made it this far. I tried to kill myself -and almost succeeded- after the rape. The fact that we are both still here makes us survivors.

ex-fiance? you guys broke up?

Katrinadoodle

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Posted: 02-15-08 00:11am


Yeah, today.

Vivac

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Posted: 02-15-08 01:01am


I don't prefer to use cliques much but my life has really been a roller coaster. I did seek help when I brought it out and had a wonderful consular who really did make me see that I needed to stop blaming myself. Unfortunately I lost my insurance and all the benefits that came along with it including the help I was getting and the prescription co-pays. I really had no where to turn other then start pulling money out of my own pocket to buy what I needed. I love my job but I do not make enough money right now to afford my anti-depressants and birth control at the same time. This is how I ended up getting pregnant a few months back. With the last I had saved up I payed for my abortion and am now back on birth control with a little help from my grandma. I live with my boyfriend and my dog who is a trained therapy dog and part of my job. My dog gets better health care then I do right now and she is the one who really keeps me going most days, she is with me almost always and I feel protected jut to have her close by. I just finished 7 years of college this past December with 2 degrees under my belt but nothing to show for it other then debt and no insurance. It really isn't that I don't want help, I know I need it, I just have no where to turn to find it since I've used up every resource I could find. I still do harm myself, I try to stop, I really do. I hurt so much on the inside that bringing the pain to the surface is sometimes my only way of dealing with it. I often cry alone. At one point in my life I would bleed so much that the blood would soak onto my bra and when I removed my bra the scabs would come off and it would bleed even more. I don't hurt myself to that point anymore but I want to. Never have I wanted to kill myself but often I have wanted an escape out of my life. My boyfriend is also there for me most of the time. He is a consular himself and works with disturbed children and teenagers. He is very supportive of me but there is a point where I can tell he does feel like giving up. I often wonder if I have been the one who has given up already. The last thing I want to do is add a child into my tangle of a life when I can't even take care of myself. I am angry at myself for having an abortion, not because of the abortion itself but because I allowed myself to be careless and got pregnant in the first place. I am glad I made the choice I did to have it, but now it has set me back even further then ever before and I have no way of treating these feeling and emotions. The confusion alone tears at me and leaves me scared and in pain. I know I could post this on several other boards but now that my abortion is involved in the mix I fear that the very mention of it will bring out the wrong impression and answers that others would ridicule me about. I'm sorry if it may seem a little out of place but in a way what I am discussing is relevant to the subject of pro-choice. I was given a choice and not forced to make myself suffer more then I needed to.

Birch

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Posted: 02-15-08 12:32pm


You never have to justify why you had an abortion to anyone. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot on your plate right now. Are there any alternative sources in your community to help you pay for mental health counseling and medication? There is alot of help in many places so that you can receive the medication and care that you need. Best wishes...

Vivac

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Posted: 02-16-08 01:51am


I did apply for low-income health care and Medicaid but after my application was evaluated I was denied coverage. I really am struggling just to pay the bills and my college loans but as it turns out I still make just slightly above the poverty line as a single woman living with a partner. My boyfriend and me split everything 50/50 as if we were roommates. Although he make much more then I do, I do not expect him to cover my half in any way. As far as a social worker sees this case because he is living with me then his income is involved in the decision of whether I qualify. Now, I see no reason why my boyfriend should have to pay for me to get help when this case does not involve him. We both choose to not get married at this time so I don't understand why this is being seen as if I was married to him...alright, so thats a bit of much needed rambling... but my point is the systems in place exclude me from receiving the help I need which in turn is causing more unnecessary stress. This may be why I came to this forum to seek advice when I can't seem to get any help anywhere else. I was doing alright for a while but the abortion opened up an explosion of everything I had locked up inside me. Like I mentioned I do not regret the abortion and it's true, Birch, I do not have to justify why I did it. What's troubling me is just going through this process, it has brought back more harsh feelings then I had ever expected from this experience. What had happened to me as a child came back in full force starting on the day I found out I was pregnant. I was hoping that by terminating the pregnancy it would also rid the feeling associated with it. To a point it did relive much of that pain. However, I still have some cleaning to do in my mind to completely recover from this trying time in my life. The question I am asking is very unclear but I was hoping I could find some help from someone who is pro-choice and can understand my decision and then get me the help for what I need without taking this too far off the subject at hand.

Birch

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Posted: 02-17-08 23:22pm


Wow. I cannot tell you enough how sorry I am that you are dealing with all that. There has got to be a way to get help. (I hope!) I really think you need long term counseling--much more than you would get on here. The rape...and your family, and he's still around, and the abortion bringing it all back...it's a lot. Have you tried any "women's only" programs? The YWCA? Or a rape crisis center might know of something. Maybe a support group? You could call your ob/gyn and tell them your situation.