How to get through depression Posted: 02-19-08 17:42pm
Found this site - need to vent. Nowhere
else to do it.
In the last 8 months this has all
happened:
In a mentally abusive relationship for a
few months where i found out he was three
timing me, we lived together. I am 33.
Left that relationship (which nearly cost
me my job)
Found out i was pregnant. Did what i had
to do. Never been so sad in my life for my
unborn (didn't have a chance) baby.
In the same week as finding out was
pregnant, got a warning at work.
Was in massive body and mind healing mode,
spent 8 months going to work (being
present at my desk doing hi profile
stressful job that involves A LOT of
people.... keep going - keep smiling) then
go STRAIGHT home to my room and didn't go
out or talk to anyone.
3 funerals of close people very dear to
me. Hard as thought of my baby at each one
(even more so than at I do at every second
of every day).
Found out the love of my life married
someone else.
Terrified of sex/intimacy after abortion.
Didn't get a job i went for (some way to
get out of the situation i was in)
Job under threat again.
Can't tell parents about pregnancy: both
very well meaning but dad would call me a
promiscuous person and one that doesn't
face up to my responsibilities - mother
would say something entirely inappropriate
and upsetting. It would be my fault for
UPSETTING MY PARENTS with such news.
Christmas - had no money to spend. Not a
penny. Money situation is that i have to
choose between getting the bus fare to
work or spend it on something to eat.
Wrote a book about abortion and its
affects on people.
Set up a company (another desperate
attempt to change things, get out
etc....). Was too stressful so abandoned
it. Kept working full time at current job
at same time. Doh.
I also stopped drinking (August). That's a
very positive thing. And something i can
control. It's about the only bit of my
life that i can have any control about.
Food is creeping onto that agenda, under
the disguise of not being able to afford
much food (handful of nuts and a bowl of
cereal each day. Lots of tea though).
Birthday - was ill. have been ill for over
a month now. Still not shaking it.
Job: New threat of being one of several
being made redundant this week.
If i lose job, i lose my flat.
Am single, have no support i can turn to
that can help me in any way. No-one and
nothing. If only i had someone to share
all this with as it happens, accept help
(I learned to do that recently), i bet i
wouldn't feel half so black.
Girl i share with (is also my boss, and
long-term good, good friend) just erupted
at me as she's feeling it at work (can't
blame her for being over-sensitive at a
time like this). Exploded saying: "Why are
you being so horrible to me?" all i did
was ask her for something i'd leant her
back.
I want to die. Really, I really do.
Just seen the POLL section. Here's a
question: How do you know when you're
really really ready to do yourself in?
But do you know what??? I have tried to
stay positive, take one thing at a time,
day by day, hour by hour. I have tried to
remain vaguely human when i've had to
interact with others. I have tried not to
let this affect anyonelse's lives....If i
killed myself - i'd hurt my mum and dad
(and others) more than anything in the
world - and this is not their problem so
why should they suffer?
So - as trapped as i feel, i feel EVEN
MORE trapped because of that reason. I
can't even get out. What the hell do i do?
I'm walking dead as it is!
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Lion79
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Mar 2007 Posts: 295 Location: Sunderland, UK
Thanks: 2
Thanked:5
Posted: 02-19-08 19:12pm
Awww. I'm probably not much use but just
keep trying to get through one day at a
time, and make use of your friends and
tell them what you're going through so
they can understand and help you. Maybe
they've noticed you acting differently and
that's why your friend yelled at you. Help
her see that you need her at this time,
and if she's a good friend she will
support you.
One thing that struck me about your post
is that you wrote a book on abortion.
Maybe that's a positive thing? It might
help to vent your emotions a bit, and it's
like an achievement that has come out of
the whole experience as well, even if it's
about all the negative feelings involved.
It's something that you've done. I dunno
if I'm being much help here, but I hope
things get better for you. I'm sure
there's help out there. Maybe you could
see a counsellor for your emotional
struggles, especially with the abortion,
and you can get counselling for money
problems too. And make use of those
friends of yours. They need to understand
what you're going through.
hope I helped x
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^Serenity^
Supporter
Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Posts: 1378 Location: ,
Thanks: 130
Thanked:153
Posted: 02-19-08 19:23pm
Hi
I am sorry for everything you have dealt
with and are still going through. As a mom
myself the most important thing to me are
my children and to make sure they are OK.
They have made some choices I didn't
approve of but I am still here for them, I
always will be. I even made some choices
in life that hurt my mom (my dad could
care a less) but this made us closer, as
it made me closer with my kids and their
decisions.
Life is a very big learning process.
Everyday seems to be a new adventure but
somehow we get through the day.
I believe it would be best to talk to your
parents, if you feel this strongly about
death and dying you need to get to an ER,
get some professional help.
There are a lot of people who care, it
might not seem it right now but there are
people out there. They have support groups
for many different issues.
You mentioned you wrote a book about
abortion..have you considered having it
printed? Try approaching a publishing
company, do a research online to find one.
Even if the book changes one persons life
you have made a difference.
I am trying to stay positive myself as I
am going through a lot of health issues,
that's why I popped into this forum. I was
going to post a thread but I read your
post and felt the need to reply.
Sweetie please call a local helpline to
find a counseling center to attend a
meeting or head to the ER and don't be so
concerned about what your parents will
say, they are your parents and will be
more hurt if you end your life. They will
be left with a lot of questions. I know
people who committed suicide and to this
day I ask if only they talked to me or
talked to their parents then maybe they'd
still be here.
I'm here if you need me as are many others
on this site.
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CarolDiane
Moderator
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2390 Location: ,
Thanks: 110
Thanked:156
Posted: 02-20-08 14:25pm
Venting is the best thing for one's soul.
And you have found a good place to vent
with others some of the same pain. Life
can get very depressing at times. As the
world revolves each day seems harder and
harder to keep up with it. But, you are on
the right track. Life is to short as it
is. Live every day as best as you can.
There are those out there that love you I
am sure. And are probably willing and able
to listen. Many times we underestimate
those around us thinking no one will care
or understand what we are going though.
You would be surprised how many really do
care. But, they will never know unless you
talk about it.
Seek some support help. Group theropy or
something like that. It helps to know
there are others like you around. And
please don't underestimate your parents.
They love you and should support and
understand what you are going through.
Throwing you some white light,
Carrie
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georgina23
Supporter
Joined: 19 Feb 2008 Posts: 24
Thank you Posted: 02-20-08 15:00pm
for all your helpful comments to my
whinge.
I was in counselling last year - for about
3 months post abortion. I am getting some
way as i can now print (and sometimes even
say) that word without bursting into
tears. Even my book doesn't have that word
in it - it's so harsh!
anyway - stopped counselling because.....
i couldn't afford to continue. catch 22.
i simply cannot tell my parents. My mother
lost 3 children before me. they never
speak of it and certainly didn't deal with
it at the time. They're pretty old (in
their 70's) and have that generation's
attitude: stiff upper lip and 'just get on
with it'.
I wont do myself in - i know that. but
this calm that i have worries me. i have
to keep a lid on letting out suicidal
thoughts -
Sometimes in life you have a phase of just
pulling a handful after handful of bad
stuff out the bag. And then you dont'
notice that much when things are ticking
along nicely.
I seem to have been pulling a load of bad
out for the last 4 years! Had ENOUGH.
Anyway - thank you again - just reading
your replies has touched me.
My gift back to you - there is an eclipse
of the moon tonight.... about 2am. And
it's a full moon - so should be quite
spectacular.
G
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georgina23
Supporter
Joined: 19 Feb 2008 Posts: 24
Oh - and.... Posted: 02-20-08 15:25pm
tomorrow i find out if I am to be made
redundant.
!!!!!!! Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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^Serenity^
Supporter
Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Posts: 1378 Location: ,
Thanks: 130
Thanked:153
Posted: 02-20-08 23:07pm
Hang in there!!!!
Your post sounds a bit better than your
first one.
I've heard people say when life hands you
lemons make lemonade well at times I want
to run over those lemons or throw them
against a brick wall.
Hang in there!!!!
The eclipse was awesome!!!!! I took video
of some of it.
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georgina23
Supporter
Joined: 19 Feb 2008 Posts: 24
Bloody lemons Posted: 02-21-08 15:41pm
wasn't it! (the moon i mean)
Wish i was on it.
No news on redundancy yet - we now find
out tomorrow.
Job interview already set up for next week
(elsewhere).
Will check back and let you know how it
all goes.
Really great support group here. Thank
you. It has lifted some of the weight from
my shoulders just sharing ....
Whoever set up this forum and runs it
deserves a medal.
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^Serenity^
Supporter
Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Posts: 1378 Location: ,
Thanks: 130
Thanked:153
Posted: 02-21-08 16:05pm
This is a great place for getting support
and helping others..
The moon was beautiful last night but it
was so bright it kept me up (not that I
sleep much anyways).
Good luck with your job interview!!
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Fairy*Godmother
Supporter
Joined: 11 Oct 2003 Posts: 1387 Location: , Georgia USA
Thanks: 47
Thanked:59
Hi Sweetie! Me Fairy*Godmother Posted: 02-21-08 16:19pm
I for one am VERY PROUD OF YOU! YOu quit
drinking. Thats one positive. You also
have written a book about a very traumatic
situation.....in which you are dealing
wiht, and this would hel so many others in
your situation. Now, are there not mental
helath facilities that you can go too and
talk to soemone about your feelings? You
are going through depression and theres a
lot you can do about it. I remember
standing outsdie and crying ot God, please
take me....I hated everyhting about my
life. I would never measure up to the
expectations of my parents....I was 32
then.....I did go back to school and
became a research lab tech. But, I did it
for them.............later on I realized I
did it for me. Depression hurts and its
the worse when you fell oyu have no one.
GIRLFRIEND>>>>>you ahve us
here. Alwasy anytime.....also feel free to
PM me I will respond. I will be 51 this
year, but still tend to "FAIRY*GODMOTHER"
everyone who seems to need a HUG. I have
been through a great deal raising a child
on my own up until she was 10. You are a
great person...............you ened to
take better care of yourself. As for
telling your parents..........I would NOT.
This is not something they even need to
know. Yes, they would belittle
you.......but I won't. You did what you
ahd to do....its called survival and I
will tell you again.........I am proud of
you! Keep that chin up girl and take the
bull by the you know what............You
have a lot to live for....you will jsut
never apprecaite it until you have come
close to dying.....I had a cerebral
anuerysm 9 years ago this past Feb. I have
beaten the odds of melanoma and now
awaiting resluts of a needle
biospy/lumpectomy......No
worries.........I got things to do and
people to make smile........you need me,
write to me! HUGS!
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georgina23
Supporter
Joined: 19 Feb 2008 Posts: 24
My very own fairy godmother. Posted: 02-26-08 12:01pm
Thank you - so much - for saying what you
have. You are the first person to say that
you are proud of me - and the only person
to recognise i am battling against
depression.
I know it - but don't want to sound/feel
self obsessed. I really am trying to
remain positive and move forwards, inch by
inch. There is no other choice. Yes if i
went to bed tonight and simply didn't wake
up - that'd be wonderful - but life isn't
that kind - how ironic is that. And i KNOW
that in a year or so, i'll look back and
not only go, "Phew - thank god that's
over" (because it will get better [another
prayer goes out]) but also: "well done
me"
You are also the only person to realise
that telling my parents is totally
ridiculous. Everyone (the handful that
know about the baby) says, "you should
tell your parents" but they don't know
them. Mum and dad love me very very much -
but that does not qualify them to be able
to help in a positive way.
So for now - yet another blow. Yes i got
made redundant. This also means i have to
move out of where i have been living - as
i cannot afford it. I do take some little
humour that this has happened - as i live
with my boss, who is also a friend - and
the one that made me redundant (haven't
worked through that one yet). It's time to
move on lock stock and several smokin'
barrels.
I have a feeling that someone out there is
sending me massive doses of strength. I
will take every drop and use it to fight
my way out of this seemingly endless mess.
So today - i feel positive. In a week or
so, if i cannot find work, may well be
another story. But for now - the sun is
shining and i have letters to write.
Well fairy godmother - what a find you
are. Thank you for writing. bucket loads
of relief and gratitude at your post.
