Depression Forum - Making life worth living...


Making life worth living...

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Seraph

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Making life worth living... Posted: 02-20-08 03:24am


So here's a question to all of you that is sitting next to me in this sinking boat of dispair/anxiety/suicidal thaughts... What motivates you to keep on living...What helps you not pull that trigger/Jump off that chair/Pop thos pills...?

marvel

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Posted: 02-20-08 10:49am


What I already have and the potential of what is to come. Even when I was at my absolute saddest, I knew that I still had my family who loved me, and I knew, deep down inside, that if I got my depression under control, there was vast potential for me to do something with my life. Knowing that there is something up on the road ahead has kept me alive many times.

bakin_april

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Posted: 02-20-08 11:02am


My daughter. I'd made some bad choices as her mother and I think my suicide would be the last straw for her and she may do the same. My mother. We're very, very close (she has major depression, too) and I think my suicide would devastate her. Me. (Took years to believe this.) I believe we're all here for a reason and I hadn't discovered mine yet.

mominashoe

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Posted: 02-20-08 11:28am


I'm a Catholic, so the main reason is that I know I'd go straight to hell if I did a thing like that. Then I have 6 kids who love me. The reason why they aren't first is because many times they are the source of my depression and all I want to do is get away from them for a break! April, I am so proud of the fact that you have realized that you yourself are a good enough reason to stay around

Seraph

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Posted: 02-21-08 04:22am


What I have... A dad, who's first reaction when he visited me in the hospital, after I had a major dislocation of my left knee and would be "out of service" for almost two months, was "What about your job?!"...not "Jees son, are you in a lot of pain?...Is there something I can do for you?". Like as if it was my fault that I was born with screwed up knees??!?!?!! A mom, whom would most probably also commit cuicide as she also suffers from depression. Fear... I am Christian, although I am in the Reformed Church, it's still a sin to commit suicide but when I'm in the bad place, it doesn't seem to matter. Reality does not register and concepts such as Hell seems vague and meaningless...All I want to do at that point is escape this life and slip into oblivion... My self... Ummm...yea... April, you go girl!...me, I'm worthless... So in the end... The only thing that is keeping me from doing "IT" is the guilt over my mom's suffering or even suicide...the rest...it just don't seem to matter.

Seraph

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Posted: 02-21-08 04:25am


P.S. I'm going to make an appointment with my shrink, for a re-eval, as the pills don't seem to work any more...even my parents say that they can see it's not working any more...

bakin_april

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Posted: 02-21-08 09:59am


My parents did the same thing. I had a wreck and they came in and said they had to go because Mom had to catch a flight. People often don't think about how their actions affect us and how strong words are to us. I totally agree with you about when you're in the deepest state of depression you don't care about the ramifications of suicide or anything else. Please remember from one who's lived there too that the feelings end and you'll go on a stronger person for it. I'm not saying suffering is good, but I believe it makes us stronger each time we endure it. You do have worth as a human being. I have no doubt there's something for me to learn from your postings. Someone else may come along and decide not to act on their suicidal thoughts or to see a psychiatrist because of what you write here. Did you make your appointment? I hope you can get in soon so the adjustment can be made to your meds. Let me know how it goes. PM if you need someone to talk to.

Seraph

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Posted: 02-22-08 07:19am


My shrink is rather busy, so I was only able to get an appntmnt for the 4th of March. Another thing that I have noticed is that I am starting to "babble" again. I don't know how to explain it or if anyone has had experience like this but it seems like when I get frustrated, anxious or nervous I would talk "gibberish" out loud. It's a bit embarrising...cus it's just plain nonsense spewing from my mouth. It's jut a phrase of non-sensical, non-existing words... Thanks for the support tho. It does help, even if it's just for a short reprieve, to talk about things.

mominashoe

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Posted: 02-22-08 07:27am

Seraph wrote:

My shrink is rather busy, so I was only able to get an appntmnt for the 4th of March.

Another thing that I have noticed is that I am starting to "babble" again. I don't know how to explain it or if anyone has had experience like this but it seems like when I get frustrated, anxious or nervous I would talk "gibberish" out loud. It's a bit embarrising...cus it's just plain nonsense spewing from my mouth.

It's jut a phrase of non-sensical, non-existing words...

Thanks for the support tho. It does help, even if it's just for a short reprieve, to talk about things.

I did that once....I made up my own language and couldn't stop talking. I was severely depressed and very drunk (but that was the first and last time on the drunk part lol.)

georgina23

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Joined: 19 Feb 2008
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Suicide. Posted: 02-26-08 12:46pm


My boyfriend committed suicide. He jumped off a car park. He was a gentle person, and an alcoholic. He jumped when he was stone cold sober. I still cry for him and how sad he must have been. If only he had asked for help. His death (even tho he was a drunk and had no job, but was a lovely person who was simply ill) is STILL causing effect on those that loved him, 16 years on and counting. I have this to say: It is your life. It is your LIFE. You only have one. It's not a game. You wont wake up with the support you need around you. That's it. Gone. It's a really great step to have made an appointment with your shrink. Keep going my friend. All this WILL pass.

Seraph

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Posted: 02-27-08 10:45am


I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend. It's sad when things get so difficult that you just can't bear it anymore. I know that on the one side, those you leave behind will never truely get over it. Sometimes, and I know this sounds just wrong, but you just can't help feeling "I didn't ask for this life...I dont want to be alive.". I really feel like I wouldn't have missed anything if I wasn't born to begin with...it's a kinda empty, dead, emotionless feeling. Nothing to live for...nothing to be happy about...nothing to keep me here...I just can't do it anymore. Hopefully the shrink will have some answers. One thing I have started to realise is for example...I have flat feet and pronounce when walking. After I had gotten orthopedic inserts for my shoes and had been told how to stand and walk properly...it's almost like "Gees! I don't need so much effort to stand/walk!!!". I am hoping that, at some stage, with the right medication/guidance I can have the same kind of feeling in terms of my state of mind. It seems like that in everything I do, I just have to work SOOO hard...harder than what I am supposed to? I have found this to be true with certain exercises at the bio-kineticist as well...In this one exercise, I have to stand on half a ball with my eyes closed. I usually struglle really hard to retain my balance but on the days that I am down...and my mind is too tired, I get it right...strange. The sooner it passes...the better. I'm on an emotional roller coaster on a daily basis. It would be so much easier if one could just transplant all of your feelings and emotions into someone elses head to try and make them understand what you are feeling.

Seraph

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Now...more confused than ever... Posted: 03-04-08 03:30am


So I saw my shrink this morning...and it was a scary experience... For some reason, while relating my worries/problems, I didn't feel like my self 0.O It was almost like someone else was relating the issues to her...like I was cut off from my emotions 0.0 ... Now, I am in such a weird emotional state, I feel like my emotions is in neutral... Any hew...I was referred to a psychiatrist...psychologists is not allowed to give out/alter prescriptions...seeing her on Saturday

georgina23

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I know what you mean Posted: 03-08-08 13:02pm


I just WISH there was some software or something that could transport all of how we feel into someone elses head JUST SO THEY COULD SEE/ understand etc.... Am sure someone will crack it one day. Keep at it - admiring your 'upbeat' writing - even tho you might not feel like it. And I also empathise with your thinking: "even tho everyone else might suffer if i am not here anymore, i don't want this life". But you've got it. And it WILL get better. I keep telling myself that it can't get much worse right?? and if it does - well, it doesn't matter, i feel rubbish anyway so what's another little problem on the list. Keep your chin up - this time will pass. Depression can make everything seem like a mountain. Something that might help - i make a list for my shrink in between times. it helps me keep check of how/what affects me.... and it's more 'real' and easier to speak to him during my session. Good luck. Keep posting ! x

Seraph

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Posted: 03-08-08 15:57pm


Thanks georgina23 I know what you mean when you say you wish you could transport your feelings...It would make things so much easier. I saw the Psychiatrist today and she doubled my prescription along with giving me anti-anxiety and sleeping pills. Turns out...I also have a social-phobia that I don't admit to...but seeing as it's not "debilitating enough", my classification is as BP 2. The session was really hard on me as I walked out with a major headache. Will have to see how things goes with the new meds.

MaineGirl76

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Joined: 07 Jul 2007
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Re: Making life worth living...
Posted: 03-08-08 19:05pm

Seraph wrote:

So here's a question to all of you that is sitting next to me in this sinking boat of dispair/anxiety/suicidal thaughts...

What motivates you to keep on living...What helps you not pull that trigger/Jump off that chair/Pop thos pills...?

The fear of doing it wrong and I'll survive.

Seraph

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Posted: 03-10-08 05:11am


Huggs MaineGirl76 I know how desperate you must feel...this is a "practice what you preech" scenario but hang in there! If you feel really bad...and I know that usually your mind is not in a state to do this but do try...let us know. We all know how it feels and sometimes just talking about it makes you feel better...even if it's just for 1%... Won't hurt to try

Gustov

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Re: Making life worth living... Posted: 03-10-08 23:33pm


I'm curious to see how far I can make it. I'm starting to notice that I'm affecting other people now in a negative way now that I didn't do so when I was a child.. so I'm considering that it may be the time to either isolate or eliminate myself. Curiosity keeps me going.

MaineGirl76

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Re: Making life worth living...
Posted: 03-11-08 00:29am

Gustov wrote:

I'm curious to see how far I can make it. I'm starting to notice that I'm affecting other people now in a negative way now that I didn't do so when I was a child.. so I'm considering that it may be the time to either isolate or eliminate myself.

Curiosity keeps me going.

I have noticed that too. I isolate myself alot! To the point where I feel as though I can't control it.

Phalid

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Re: Making life worth living...
Posted: 04-01-08 20:34pm

Seraph wrote:

My kids.

lafae

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Posted: 04-13-08 09:58am


Who will find me, how will they find me, how will it impact on them...? What will the children of my friends and family think about it? What if I change my mind at the last minute? Why be that bloody selfish? I suppose deep down I have a sliver of hope that things can always get better and that we're all really spoiled and over-concerned about quality of life, debts, stress of work, love, keeping up with the Jones's etc. Sometimes you just have to appreciate the simpler things in life a bit more. A gorgeous sky, the sea, a moving book or film, a nice meal, the presence of loved ones in your life... Dare I say 'good health' ?