Joined: 06 May 2004 Posts: 2 Location: Grande Prairie, AB
My Child of Divorce Posted: 05-06-04 01:20am
Hello,
i am going through a divorce and my ex
resides in edmonton and I reside in grande
prairie, ab. We have a child of 11
months. My ex feels it is okay to do
shared/joint parenting. He says carter
can go two weeks with him in edmonton and
then two weeks with me in grande prairie
and he will be just fine emotionally and
physically. I am concerned about that and
we need to make a decision soon. I also
have a daughter that is 9 years old and he
wants nothing to do with her. He only
wants to see his biological son. Also he
says it is fair to do the shared parenting
this way so when carter turns of age to
start school we can then either go to our
lawyers and decided fairly where carter
will live to go to school. Please help I
need to make a the right decision for my
son.
Sincerely,
mother of concern
|
purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 05-06-04 02:53am
My geography is reasonable but not that
good, what exactly is the distance &
the form of travel travel time between
edmonton & grande prairie??
What are the chances (if known) of either
of you moving before your son goes to
school? I mean if one of you will be in
vancouver & the other in toronto then
obviously your son can not commute &
has to be at school in one place, but the
thing is that it is his needs that are
most important & where he goes to
school is where his friends will be, where
his after school sport will be, where
he'll be invited (on weekends!! Etc) to
attend birthday parties & have sleep
overs. So really it is not just a matter
of who he'll live with to go to school.
Which of you has the better area for him
to live in, has the better opportunities
available to him re school, sport, social,
etc, which is financially better able to
cope, which is emotionally better able to
cope, which would have moer time to spend
doing things with & for him?? Does he
have (or genetically is he likely to have)
any medical conditions that would require
treatment? If yes, then who lives where
that can best be provided?
These are just some questions that you
& his father both need to consider in
determining what is best for your son, not
what is best for his parents.
A couple of other things to consider would
be; where are your son's extended family,
where would he best have contact with
them?
Also since it is the children who really
count (although the adults are entitled to
have a life too!!) is there any chance
that you & his father could move
closer to each other for your sons
sake????
|
LisaLachappelle
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 May 2004 Posts: 2 Location: Grande Prairie, AB
Re: My Child of Divorce Posted: 05-12-04 01:07am
Thank you for your reply,
the father and I live 4 hours apart.
Edmonton, alberta is a pretty big city,
where grandeprairie has everything but not
as much as edmonton. The fathers extended
family lives in edmonton and mine live in
grandeprairie. I have a daughter named
brianna who is carter's sister but the
father wants nothing to do with her as she
is not his biological daughter even though
he was locos parentis to her for 3 years.
I feel very sad that we are going to court
because he wants sole custody of his son
and doesn't even consider my daughters
feeling or what is really best for carter.
The only way he is going to settle out of
court is if we go two weeks with him and
then two weeks with me and then later when
carter starts school we will go to court
to see who will get custody of carter and
were he will go to school. I am very sad
and mixed up and really don't know what to
do. It is hard to put your feelings aside
and realized you might have to let go of a
son or daughter that is your life. I have
been the primary caretaker of both brianna
and carter and now through the courts it
may be taken away from me, not brianna but
my son carter. How do I deal with this
and how can I prevent this from
happening?
Sincerely,
lisa
|
purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 05-12-04 03:49am
Ok, I am going to try (try!!) & look
at this from your sons view point - but
know that I am at all times aware of your
daughter & how she must be hurting
& how this "fight" for custody will
devastate her - which is not to say you
should give carter up, just be really
aware of how much this will hurt her &
that she's at a very vulnerable age &
I gather that she has already lost 1
"father"!!
Right now carter isn't likely to be in any
sport teams etc but soon he will perhaps
be in play groups or pre-school & then
start making friends, those friends will
have birthdays & carter will want to
attend those parties & have them at
his parties.
Children can be very cruel (then there's
the things they say when they're trying to
be cruel!!
) & it is hard enough for young
children to learn to socialize without
having to try & do it in 2 places at
the same time. 2 weeks with each of you
& that is what he'd be facing &
then he also wopuldn't be able to join any
sport groups etc either because he'd be
away 1/2 the time.
At the same time he should have contact
with his extyended family on both sides,
both, he should also have regular contact
with both parents, both & both should
be involved emotionally & financially
with all aspects of his life. But
Your ex? Was a father to your daughter
for 3 years - while it siuted him but now
it no longer siuts so out she goes not
wanted, - is he involved with another
woman? Or is he likely to be because one
concern that his treatment of brianna
raises is would he opt out on carter if
his situation changed - another woman,
with or without another child (men are
different to women on these matters!!
) or if
he were to want/need to move further away
would he take carter ? Would he consider
carter?
Is it fair to carter to leave him &
his life in limbo 2 weeks with you, then 2
with dad (away from his sister as well!!)
= all of which will impact more on him as
he grows & starts to ask why he can't
go & play with .... & why he
can't join club..... & why brianna
doesn't go with him...... & why he
can't go to this party/outing
etc?????????????????????????????/
then comes more trauma for himwhen the
court decides he should live with you or
him during school time (but that still has
a negative impact on sport groups, social
outings/parties, developing friendships,
missing his sister, getting "crap" from
her because she's hurt & jealous) etc
..
Would some sort of compromise be possible
- like you move abit out of grandeprairie
& he moves abit out of edmonton (abit
closer to each other for the sake of
carter & maybe also for brianna in a
sense too, as the less her life is upset
by this the easier it will be for her) -
so that say the travel time was cut to 2-3
hours (less being better) & then maybe
carter could stay with one then the other
but still attend the same
school/pre=school etc & have some of
the same friends etc now & when he
goes to school & he can join sport
teams because he will be there. Also if
you or his father go off the other is
there & carter's life doesn't have to
be so wrecked all over again.
Just some thoughts. But I believe that
courts generally are trying to look at
what is best for the child & which
parent is most willing to consider
compromises but ones that still put the
child first.
Remember that he took on the father role
to brianna & when it no longer suited
him - left her in the lurch. What is he
like re paying his end of the financial
obligations (including while you were
married)? What is he like when it comes
to dirty nappies & having food thrown
at him or being vommittted on?? These
day to day parenting things are extremely
important to consider at carter's age -
what is he like when caring for carter at
the park or somewhere outside or is that
your job or someone elses?? Try &
see a counsellor to discuss what options
there are, what carters needs are. If
your ex has not been there in a practical
sense for carter or brianna (re say school
work etc which may be a guide to how he'd
be with carter) are there any objective
witnesses to give evidence of this??
I don't have a good knoweldge of america
so I haven't a clue where edmonton and
grand priarie are but can I just say you
need to try to decide about when he starts
school between yourselfs. And when he
becomes old enough I think it is only fair
that he gets to choose who he lives with
etc
The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author, and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made.
Schizophreniahealth
This page was last updated on June 11, 2008
) & it is hard enough for young
children to learn to socialize without
having to try & do it in 2 places at
the same time. 2 weeks with each of you
& that is what he'd be facing &
then he also wopuldn't be able to join any
sport groups etc either because he'd be
away 1/2 the time.
Your ex? Was a father to your daughter
for 3 years - while it siuted him but now
it no longer siuts so out she goes not
wanted, - is he involved with another
woman? Or is he likely to be because one
concern that his treatment of brianna
raises is would he opt out on carter if
his situation changed - another woman,
with or without another child (men are
different to women on these matters!!
) or if
he were to want/need to move further away
would he take carter ? Would he consider
carter?
