Broken Hearted Forum - Pity me, laugh at me, scorn me...

How to fix my broken heart?

Was in the pub a few weeks back, and i thought i saw her, through the windows, outside. I rushed out, desperately wanting to speak to her as ive missed her terribly. It wasnt her, and my heart sank. Was miserable for the rest of the night. Left early to walk home, my heart breaking, her boyfriend and his chums giving me evils during the walk home.

I decided that was it, i wasnt going to hurt like that anymore, and decided to give up (only the umpteenth time) on her. I sank into a painful depression, not leaving the house for days on end, staying in bed past midday, and generally being a broken hearted fool.

Then last weekend my friends finally persuaded me to go out for a drink. We went to a few pubs, and i had a few drinks and felt good. The evening was what i needed.

But during the walk between two pubs all my friends saw her. I didnt see her, and all my mates decided they wouldnt tell me. But one of them cracked a few days ago and told me that she saw her, and she had quickly walked off up a side alley so we didnt pass each other (it would have been within a few feet). My friend said she also looked 'totally gutted' when she saw me.

Now im confused. Ive been a total jerk to her, so maybe she just didnt want to be near me. But she is in a job that means she should be able to deal with me. Have i hurt her so much she hates me and cant bear to be near me or look at me?

I know what i should do. I should talk to her. But i love her so much im not sure how i would take it if she denied me. I would never hurt her, even though over the months and years i most surely must have.

But im a coward. Im afraid of her boyfriend and his colleagues, even though i have many friends more than capable of protecting me. Ive tried to convince myself that i have a conscience, that she is with (engaged!) him and that i have no business interfering in her life. But she has never said no to me, never told me no, never told me to go away, never told me to leave her alone.

So im stuck in limbo. I want her, love her, genuinely and strongly. But i dont have the balls to do anything about it. This brief story only skims the surface of this tale. So much has happened, i fell for her the first moment i saw her nearly three years ago, but it would take too long to tell all.

So pity me. Pity the cowardly fool.

If you find yourself in my position, never deny your feelings. Never deny that you are in love. Because if you do that once, like me, you might never be able to tell someone that you love them ever again.

(Im sorry if this doesnt make much sense, but its very difficult to recall some of the things that have happend. Not even sure what the point is in posting this.)