Joined: 29 Jun 2004 Posts: 34 Location: Ontario, Canada
Dealing With An Anxious Spouse. (long) Posted: 06-29-04 23:43pm
Hi all.
My husband has been dealing with anxiety
for several months now. He's an
engineering consultant and, due to the
decline in commodities prices over the
last several years, he had been laid off
twice. In addition to this, we lost a
son, have been dealing with infertility
for 3 years and had a house fire 5 days
before christmas, just 2 weeks after he
started a new job. No small wonder he's
dealing with anxiety.
My question is; how do I handle
disagreements?
He has been improving greatly over the
past few months despite the fact he's had
to go to work and perform like there's
nothing wrong. He was totally incapable
of coping, initially, and even lost the
ability to drive, yet still forced himself
to go to work (i often drove him in,
myself).
He's been driving on his own most of the
time during the last couple of months and
his mannerisms and personality have seemed
to return to normal, for the most part,
but, when we have a dispute, he falls
apart.
I don't know what to do. I try, the
majority of the time, to avoid conflict by
picking my battles (not that hard as we
don't argue often) however there have been
a few times where I refuse to not speak my
mind when I need to.
He gets dry mouth, anxiety attacks and the
shakes and often reverts back to being
unable to drive.
How do I deal with this? I have told him
that there are times when I must express
my feelings regarding a particular matter,
and he agrees, but it kills me to know
that my being upset with him pushes him
over the edge, so to speak.
If I express displeasure with something
(we argue very respectfully with no name
calling..Ever.) it can set him back for
days.
I don't want him to subconsciously have
this reaction reinforced by my backing
down and avoiding conflict. He'll
condition himself to react that way every
time there's a disagreement, I fear. I
also don't want to "kick him when he's
down". Do I pursue a discussion, knowing
full well he won't be able to deal with it
well?
I don't know which course of action is the
best.
Any suggestions would be most appreciated.
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qt3
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Nov 2003 Posts: 264
Posted: 06-30-04 13:15pm
Sorry to hear about your tough time he
needs help! Try and get him involved in
cbt. It is 80-90% effective in treating
anxiety and panic disorder. Going through
all this you may want to get some support
too as that is a lot to go through.
Q
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ellie
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Jun 2004 Posts: 8 Location: Australia
Posted: 06-30-04 21:17pm
Hmmm I can really relate to your husband.
There are days when my husband and I start
arguing and I just fall apart. I have to
walk away and tell him I just can't deal
with it now. I think it is hard enough to
try and hold yourself together and "cope"
without an added stressor of an
arguement.
However, this does not mean that I expect
he should keep quiet when he is unhappy or
avoid an argument with me but some days
are just not good days to have one.
I usually tell him I can't deal with it
now but I will get back to him when I can.
I ensure I speak to him about it within a
few days, when I am feeling better and
more able to cope.
Unfortunately anxiety effects the whole
family, if I were you I would go with him
to see your doctor. He needs help and it
is not something you can do on your own.
Keep smiling, you are not alone!
Ellie
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Lonelygirl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Apr 2004 Posts: 11
Posted: 07-06-04 12:10pm
First off I would like to commend you on
the obvious love and support you are
offering your husband right now. I wish
we all could be so lucky to have a spouse
who is patient and supportive.
I also find that arguing with my husband
sends the anxiety through the roof and
keeps it there for days and even weeks
after the fighting ends. It always
causes a major set back. However, in my
case my husband certainly doesn't consider
my anxiety during these times and will in
fact use it against me as a reason to be
angry with me.
i strongly get the feeling that you are
much much more supportive than my husband
is with me, but your husband is right, you
can't not say things that are on your
mind. Some things you could do (you may
already be doing some of them), is to
express your concerns, but make a point to
make sure he understands that even though
you have these concerns you still love
him. Certainly don't ever use the
anxiety against him or anything like that,
always remember that your husband hates
this much more than you can even know and
isn't chosing to be this way. Don't make
threats about leaving as they will be
remembered long after the argument and
play on his mind giving him more to be
anxious about.
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CheekyMonkey
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Jun 2004 Posts: 34 Location: Ontario, Canada
Posted: 07-06-04 19:49pm
Thank you all so much for the wonderful
advice.
Lonelygirl, i'm so sorry you are dealing
with those kinds of issues with your
husband. I can assure you I would never
threaten my husband with leaving because
he is going through a rough time, and I
can only imagine how painful that must be
to hear that from your husband. I
sincerely hope he doesn't really mean it
and is just frustrated.
I'm sure your husband doesn't understand
how it feels to be going through something
like this and his reaction is probably
based on fear of the unknown.
I, fortunately (or unfortunately,
depending on one's perspective), do. I
had a nervous breakdown approximately 16
years ago and remember, quite clearly, how
it felt.
It was a blessing in disguise for me
(didn't feel like it at the time, though).
I came through it infinitely stronger
and more prepared to do what I had to to
ensure my own happiness and peace of
mind.
It also gives me tremendous insight into
what my husband is dealing with which
helps keep me sympathetic and
compassionate.
I just wish I could learn how to disagree
with him without causing undue stress.
I do like ellie's idea, and think I will
suggest to him that he approach me about
certain issues I bring up when he feels
ready to cope with the discussion.
We're also waiting for work to ease off
before we establish to what degree he is
suffering from gad. In all honesty, it
may be primarily work related and once the
pressure decreases, he may be just fine.
In the event he is not, we have discussed
taking the treatment further,
incorporating cbt or anxiety medication
(for the short term) to see if there is an
improvement.
We're remaining hopeful that all ends
well.
Thanks again, all.
(((hugs)))
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Haley
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Feb 2004 Posts: 122
Posted: 07-08-04 06:40am
You sound like an absolute saint and your
husband is lucky to have you cbt is what saved
my life and I had really bad panic attacks
for a long time before my group. The
exercises you learn really work wonders if
you use them. The two books we used in my
group are really good and I would
recommend them both highly: been there,
done that? Do this! By sam obitz for
anxiety and depression and mastery of your
anxiety and panic-third edition by
michelle craske and david barlow for panic
disorder.
he
needs help! Try and get him involved in
cbt. It is 80-90% effective in treating
anxiety and panic disorder. Going through
all this you may want to get some support
too as that is a lot to go through.
cbt is what saved
my life and I had really bad panic attacks
for a long time before my group. The
exercises you learn really work wonders if
you use them. The two books we used in my
group are really good and I would
recommend them both highly: been there,
done that? Do this! By sam obitz for
anxiety and depression and mastery of your
anxiety and panic-third edition by
michelle craske and david barlow for panic
disorder.