i'm new to this forum. I was hoping that
someone may be able to help me though.
I've been dating a wonderful man for the
past several months, and in all honesty,
this is the best and most rewarding
relationship I have ever had. This man
is so wonderful and treats me like a
princess--he is fun and enthusiastic, and
just a joy to be around. He has been
talking of marriage and children, and
makes everyday a storybook experience.
But, I was told recently--several
times--that it is all a lie. This is
scaring me!
After a typical storybook day, where I was
told I was the woman of his dreams, and
that he wanted to marry me and me to have
his children, he coldly told me that
something was missing, it was all a lie,
and that he is unable to experience
emotions and love. He then left me for
two days, just to come back, crying,
saying he did indeed love me, and that he
wanted to be together again.
We started dating once more, and had a
wonderful time together again--he
introduced me to his family. And then,
after this experience, he insisted he
didn't even like me. He then told me how
he has "two personalities". He gave me a
journal of his to read, explaining these
two personalities. The one is his "outer
persona"--the one that is happy,
enthusiastic, outgoing, popular--the
personality that everyone loves and thinks
he truly is. Then, it spoke of his
"real" personality--the majorly depressed
and suicidal person.
I did not speak with him for a day. I
did not know what to do--he told me he
didn't like me and had no feelings for me.
Then, when I went to discuss with him
the journal he gave me, he opened the
door, and he was crying. His house was a
complete mess. He'd gone on a spending
spree. He told me how he threw up all
day, and how he was so upset, because he
thought I was gone for good. I don't
understand how he could be so upset,
considering he claims he has no feelings
for me.
It is really hard, because to me...This
person he says is a lie, is the reality.
He seems so wonderful, so good, so
loving...I love this person. Then, every
so often, he claims it's all a lie, and he
pushes me away again. Then, he comes
back and wants me to return, and treats me
like a queen again.
I do not know. Could this be a bipolar
disorder? He's on medication for
depression. I thought bipolar disorder
cycled through these extremes...But with
him, it seems he's in a constant state of
depression, but just masks it constantly
with a state of mania. Can anyone relate
to this experience??
Also, what do you think the chances are of
me being able to help him? Or have it be
a worthwhile relationship? Do you think
it is possible for him, over time, to feel
emotions? He says that he has never been
in a long term relationship--he just ends
them abruptly before there is anytime to
develop feelings. This is the longest
relationship he's ever been in, but he's
broken up with me three times already.
I'm really confused. I care deeply for
this man and want to help him. Outside
of the abandoning me out of the blue every
so often, he's everything i've ever
wanted--i adore him. Is there anything I
can do to help him?
Looking forward to hearing any of your
opinions on this matter.
Thanks,
katrina
|
purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 07-10-04 15:56pm
I think that you really need to talk to
his family, friends & his dr(s)
especially the dr(s) - - obviously with
his permission - but if he truly loves you
& wants you to stay with him he will
understand that you need to understand him
& what is wrong & what you can
expect - that also includes what the
chances are of any children you have
having the same/similar probelms!!!!
Then you need to get on the net & go
to some search engines & forums like
this to educate yourself about what this
man has - all the stuff that doctors etc
do not tell you!! That really is
important - it's one thing to love him but
it may be another to live with him &
have children with him - & how would
the children cope with his behaviour
swings??
You need information first so that you can
consider what you want to do. Good luck -
I think you need it. Pm me if you want to
talk.
|
twist
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2004 Posts: 1
Posted: 07-10-04 21:17pm
I feel for you katrina. I am going
through what seems to be a very similar
relationship to you and I think I know how
you feel.
My girlfriend and I have been together for
5 months. Throughout the first 3-4
months she did have some small periods
where she was quite upset, and said she
was a "bad girlfriend" and would cry.
But I thought this was nothing too
serious and that everything would be ok.
During the last month, things either
got worse with her or she just became more
honest with me. Her feelings would
change just like you describe - she could
be extremely happy, saying "i love you, im
so lucky to be with you" etc, then only a
day later saying things like "i don't know
if I can do this anymore".
I was very worried but she soon told me it
was nothing to worry about and she didn't
know why she said that. One day she
was really happy and so I thought i'd go
with it and said i'd take her out that
night for dinner. She said she
wanted to go shopping, so we did.
She bought some clothes and stuff and was
really happy as a result and was back to
her usual "thanks for putting up with me,
I love you so much".
So by then I was convinced everything was
fine, but then only the next day she
didn't sound so happy anymore. That
night she went out without me and did some
drugs (she hardly ever does that).
The next day, when I came over she said
she wanted to break up and that she just
doesn't feel the same about me anymore.
Only a day and a half after she had
been saying how much she loved me, she
said she didn't feel anything for me.
It hurt me so bad because I had never
felt a strongly about anyone as I had with
her before.
Another two days later she called me,
apologising and crying and saying she
doesn't know why she broke up with me, but
that she loves me and wants to be with me.
So we are back together now, but I
have been worried that it will not be long
before her next depressive period comes
and she dumps me again.
She is seeing a psychologist now so
hopefully that helps. I feel better
knowing that there are other people in the
world with the same thing happening in
relationships. I really want to be
together with this girl and be supportive
of her during mood swings, but it is
really hard when she takes them out on me.
In fact, I don't mind so much when
she is irritable or short tempered, it's
when she goes from saying she loves me, to
feeling nothing for me, that makes it
really hard to deal with.
I'm interested to hear how it turns out
for you katrina.
Last edited by twist on 07-12-04 17:39pm; edited 1 time in total
|
scushway
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2004 Posts: 3 Location: Alabama
Depression Posted: 07-10-04 22:00pm
As someone who suffers from chronic
depression, all I can add is that you
can't love his depression away. I have a
wonderful husband and a pretty darn good
life, but my depression is always there.
The right medication can work wonders and
has given me back my life (and sanity) but
he also needs to stay in regular contact
with a good psychiatrist and/or
psychologist. It's not uncommon to need
ajustments in medications as we navigate
thru the various phases and events of our
lives. Recognizing that for some of us,
depression is just part of who we are is a
huge first step. What is really
important is that you both understand that
keeping those demons at bay will likely be
an ongoing process. I have to make a
conscious effort to recognize the signs of
a downward spiral coming on and deal with
it head on. My husband also alternates
between giving me my space when I need it
and giving me that gentle reminder that it
might be good to visit my pdoc. That's
not to say that you should ever tolerate
any type of cruelty from him just because
he is depressed. He needs for you to be
honest and understanding. Hopefully if
he feels that he can be honest with you,
he would be able to let you know that he
feels a funk coming on and might need a
little space while he works his way
through it. There's a balance between
being caring and supportive, yet not being
codependent. All-in-all, taking on a
relationship with someone dealing with
ongoing depression can be a hard thing.
My husband and I have been in counseling
which has helped both of us understand our
roles and boundaries. But ultimately, I
have to accept responsibility and make a
decision to fight back and not let
depression rule my life or become who I
am. If that requires taking
antipressants the rest of my life, then so
be it. Having a wonderful, supportive
and loving person in my life helps
tremendously because it makes me want to
be a better person (not that being
depressed makes me a bad person, it's
difficult to explain to someone who has
never experienced clinical depression, I
mean that in the context that it is very
encouraging to know that you have someone
in your corner, with unconditional
support).
Not sure if my rambling helps. Just
trying to explain things from the other
side. It's not always going to be a bed
of roses, but being his soft place in the
world can be a big help. Just set your
boundaries (no meanness), stick to them,
encourage honesty and give him space when
he needs it without making him feel guilty
(or need to lie about) needing that space.
If it sounds like more than you are
ready to deal with, then make the break
(especially if he doesn't acknowledge that
he has to want to feel better and take a
proactive role in his own treatment). It
doesn't make you a bad person to feel that
way.
Sc
|
sepia
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Oct 2007 Posts: 10
I'm In the Same Boat Guys Posted: 10-17-07 13:25pm
Okay so i'm really in a mess here. There's
this guy i've been good friends with for
almost 4 years now, and we've started
"going out" a few months ago.. i say
"going out" because we're really really
shaky.
He started liking me, told me when he was
drunk [I was catching up with him on
holiday- he lives in another country] and
I returned home and we sorta didn't talk
for a while. Despite that we started
talking everyday online again and we
decided to go out when I came there next
or when he'd come here.
Then all of a sudden 3 days later he
wanted to get into a relationship that
very minute and I found it odd, but
agreed. Then, 3 days into our relationship
he suddenly had a moodswing and
disappeared from everyone for 3 days while
I was worried sick.
We went on for a couple of months and I
kept thinking he was losing interest etc,
and then suddenly his interest zapped back
and we had a great month when all of a
sudden one sunday morning he dumped me out
of the blue. We'd been talking as usual
and he was even really into our convo and
extremely loving, but then he went off to
watch 300 and returned and dumped me.
We didn't talk for four days after that,
and then he started talking again, and
eventually we decided we'd be just
friends, but that didn't work and he fell
back to acting like a boyfriend.
Soon everyone assumed we were back
together since he acted totally
boyfriendy, but we both didn't ever bring
up our feelings. Then out of the blue he
said he didn't want to see me when I came
to his country in 3 weeks time [we were
fine like half an hour before this, he
just suddenly turned off my webcam and
said he'd lost interest]
as always we stopped talking for a couple
of days and once again went back to acting
like we're going out.. he even admitted
he'd liked me till last week but called it
off cuz it seemed too on and off.
So anyways things were going really great,
we spent a fab weekend talking on Video
Call, playing songs for each other,
singing etc and then from Monday he
suddenly started distancing himself when i
wouldn't rise to him making me jealous.
I tried to act more friendly to show I was
still interested in a subtle way, and he
just instantly back off and picked a huge
fight with me over the plot of 300 [I hate
that movie so much now] and said he was
sick of me at the moment and even used
swearwords [though he seemed pissed off
even before we got talking about the
movie]
Now I'm going to his country tomorrow, and
I don't know how to handle him. We're not
officially going out, but he still feels
like a boyfriend and I never know whether
to support him or to leave him alone or
what.
He hates councellors [he's been made to
see them before when he went through a
"don't care" period] and so professional
help is something I can't talk about. He's
18 and I'm 16, and I have enough to deal
with of my own [my parents are getting
divorced, I'm in grade 12 trying to aim to
major in neuroscience and i'm having
issues with my best friend who is also a
guy. Not to mention I recently lost a
relative who was really close to me] and I
can't keep letting his bad moods swill
over into my life, especially how its long
distance and I can't physically be there.
I get constantly stressed and worried
about him, and I know he had this huge
trauma about his ex girlfriend [whom he
dated for 2 years and who dumped him for
lying to her] not so long ago, and I
really can't handle this for much longer.
Can someone PLEASE help me.. I'm only 16
and I've already got high blood pressure
dammit!
Thanks a lot for reading this vent..
|
sepia
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Oct 2007 Posts: 10
I'm In the Same Boat Guys Posted: 10-17-07 13:27pm
Okay so i'm really in a mess here. There's
this guy i've been good friends with for
almost 4 years now, and we've started
"going out" a few months ago.. i say
"going out" because we're really really
shaky.
He started liking me, told me when he was
drunk [I was catching up with him on
holiday- he lives in another country] and
I returned home and we sorta didn't talk
for a while. Despite that we started
talking everyday online again and we
decided to go out when I came there next
or when he'd come here.
Then all of a sudden 3 days later he
wanted to get into a relationship that
very minute and I found it odd, but
agreed. Then, 3 days into our relationship
he suddenly had a moodswing and
disappeared from everyone for 3 days while
I was worried sick.
We went on for a couple of months and I
kept thinking he was losing interest etc,
and then suddenly his interest zapped back
and we had a great month when all of a
sudden one sunday morning he dumped me out
of the blue. We'd been talking as usual
and he was even really into our convo and
extremely loving, but then he went off to
watch 300 and returned and dumped me.
We didn't talk for four days after that,
and then he started talking again, and
eventually we decided we'd be just
friends, but that didn't work and he fell
back to acting like a boyfriend.
Soon everyone assumed we were back
together since he acted totally
boyfriendy, but we both didn't ever bring
up our feelings. Then out of the blue he
said he didn't want to see me when I came
to his country in 3 weeks time [we were
fine like half an hour before this, he
just suddenly turned off my webcam and
said he'd lost interest]
as always we stopped talking for a couple
of days and once again went back to acting
like we're going out.. he even admitted
he'd liked me till last week but called it
off cuz it seemed too on and off.
So anyways things were going really great,
we spent a fab weekend talking on Video
Call, playing songs for each other,
singing etc and then from Monday he
suddenly started distancing himself when i
wouldn't rise to him making me jealous.
I tried to act more friendly to show I was
still interested in a subtle way, and he
just instantly back off and picked a huge
fight with me over the plot of 300 [I hate
that movie so much now] and said he was
sick of me at the moment and even used
swearwords [though he seemed pissed off
even before we got talking about the
movie]
Now I'm going to his country tomorrow, and
I don't know how to handle him. We're not
officially going out, but he still feels
like a boyfriend and I never know whether
to support him or to leave him alone or
what.
He hates councellors [he's been made to
see them before when he went through a
"don't care" period] and so professional
help is something I can't talk about. He's
18 and I'm 16, and I have enough to deal
with of my own [my parents are getting
divorced, I'm in grade 12 trying to aim to
major in neuroscience and i'm having
issues with my best friend who is also a
guy. Not to mention I recently lost a
relative who was really close to me] and I
can't keep letting his bad moods swill
over into my life, especially how its long
distance and I can't physically be there.
I get constantly stressed and worried
about him, and I know he had this huge
trauma about his ex girlfriend [whom he
dated for 2 years and who dumped him for
lying to her] not so long ago, and I
really can't handle this for much longer.
Can someone PLEASE help me.. I'm only 16
and I've already got high blood pressure
dammit!
Thanks a lot for reading this vent..
|
dilis
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Mar 2008 Posts: 2
Posted: 03-11-08 07:57am
well after 6 months of a perfect
relationship with a 'perfect' boyfriend,
from one day to the next I got dumped.
All his explanations where regarding
problems he had with me which, he had
never once mentioned. A day before he
broke up with me he had like for the 6
months said he wanted me to be his
wife......i feel like a piece of dirt and
have no idea where to find the strenght to
recover. I believed him, I thought he
loved me.
|
mole2112
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Mar 2008 Posts: 3 Location: Parts Unknown, NJ usa
Posted: 03-13-08 21:25pm
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I
will speak to you as I was that guy for 18
months. Unlike you I am 43 but suddenly
became socially wreckless with little
regard for my family. I was visibly
distant and would not tell people where I
was or where I was going.
I am undergoing intense treatment for
Biploar II. the treatment is ongoing but
keeping me not as down as I was, but
certainly not up.
The challenge is to get the diagnosis. It
did not mean I don't fundmentally love my
family. I am still working on that as
hard as it is.
Point is I feel like my heart is broken as
well. I don't know if you still have a
line of communcation I hope you can
influence treatment. With out creating
hope, I can't say that he is heartbroken.
I can just say I am and I do not know why.
If you want to bounce anything off me
regarding the symptoms, please keep
posting.
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