Why Is My Relationship Over ? Posted: 07-10-04 01:01am
I am 44 yrs of age, and a few months ago
I met a truly wonderful woman 36yrs of
age, and we got to know each other via
email for a month or so, then met for a
date. I can honestly say that I have only
ever been so comfortable and relaxed with
one other woman like I have been with this
one, and the feeling was mutual.
Communication was never a problem. One
day as I was leaving her house I said
goodbye by saying "i love you", which
didnt go down very well. Anyway
afterwards nothing seemed any different.
Then she went on a previosuly arranged
walking holiday and came back in a state
of panic about those 3 words and said it
had affected her and she didnt feel the
same.
I tried to explain that I said it out of a
feeling of complete comfort and ease with
her company, and it did not mean I was in
love with her, but is just a way I express
that feeling of warmth you have with
someone you feel very close to. There was
no other evidence to support her fears of
me being more serious about things than
her, ie no phonecalls, texts, presents,
etc and I let her dictate the pace of the
relationship, so I could not have been
more laid back about it. It was just 2
people really enjoying getting to know
each other with no demands. I tried
talking it through with her a week later,
but she seemed annoyed I had said it. The
alternatives I said were that we either
try to sort it out, or I walk out the door
and we never see each other again which
would have been a total waste of 2 very
compatible people who got on so amazingly
well. She said she wanted to go back a
few steps and just be friends. I dont
know why she would even want to do this as
the sight of me must just increase her
insecurities about my feelings for her ?
I still dont know whether I can do this or
not and have not given her an answer. Any
women who might recognise this scenario,
can you help please because my health is
suffering through lack of sleep and no
appetite. It just seems so unecessary.
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ronniehome
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2004 Posts: 22
Posted: 07-10-04 06:24am
I think she got scared of the 3 words
......Maybe it was to soon for her to hear
them....Or she might of met someone
else......You should walk away find
someone else .......She dosent seem to
worried about you going ...
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hammy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2004 Posts: 5 Location: UK
Posted: 07-10-04 06:48am
No I know there is nobody else as she is
ridiculously honest in that regard so have
no need to doubt her, but yes she was
scared of the 3 words which is
understandable. If she felt so strongly
though, she should have just wanted a
clean break, which I could have accepted.
To still offer to take a few steps back
and see each other as friends is also
understandable. Im just not sure if I can
or should do that. You know relationships
fall apart for all sorts of reasons that
are usually very obvious to most, but not
ours. We were incredibly happy until she
got ill while she was away and the
thoughts of home and what i'd said, were
playing on her mind, so that by the time
she had got back she had spiralled it in
her head so it was all way out of
proportion.
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penabby
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Mar 2004 Posts: 13 Location: England
Posted: 07-10-04 15:21pm
Maybe you should step back, give her some
space and tell her that you are here as a
friend is she needs you. Maybe she is
scared because of a previous experience or
something, just dont push things, you will
scare her off for sure, be patient. Im a
firm beleiver in if its meant to be then
it will.
Take care of yourself and good luck.
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hammy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2004 Posts: 5 Location: UK
Posted: 07-11-04 00:34am
Thank you pennaby I am trying so hard, and
have backed off since it happened in the
hope she might think things through in the
next couple of weeks, and if I dont hear
from her then I guess I will have my
answer. I am not sure what to do then
about her offer of seeing her as a friend
and taking a few steps back - is that
something to do after a couple of weeks or
a bad idea altogether. Cant help feeling
she wouldnt have offered this at all if
she was 100% convinced that what shes
doing is right ?
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hotasfrick
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
Posted: 07-11-04 03:32am
Well if you really cared about her then
you would not have doubts about just being
her friend.
When you tell someone of the opposite sex
whom you are "getting to know" that you
love them, that means you are in love with
them. So, I can see why it scared her.
If there is any doubt in your mind that
you should not take her offer of
friendship then you really don't care
about her in the first place.
I also believe that if it is meant to be
then it will be. But, if things do
progress into a "more than friends"
realationship, make sure she says she
loves you first. That way you don't
scare her again.
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hammy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2004 Posts: 5 Location: UK
Posted: 07-11-04 04:55am
The only reason I have doubts about it is
that I simply dont want to reinforce any
of the fears which she already has about
seeing me - it seemed a strange olive
branch to offer as opposed to an outright
split, which would remove the problem for
good. This way there is going to be some
point in the future where this issue might
raise its head again. Believe me I care
deeply for this woman and just want to do
the right thing by her.
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hotasfrick
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
Posted: 07-11-04 17:14pm
Oh, okay. I see what you mean.
If I were you, I would be her friend. If
it starts developing into something else
then either back off or talk to her. Let
her know that you are there for her, but
that you don't want this to happen again.
I think that is fair. Maybe then she
will look at the situation in a different
way and figure out what she really
wants.
Good luck.
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sparklypixie12
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Sep 2003 Posts: 3101
Posted: 07-11-04 17:30pm
I agree with all the other advice-you like
this woman but you took things too fast.I
suggest that you seriously take a step
back-get to know her more but don't be too
full on-give her a chance to get to know
you in a different way.Its very important
to have the basis of a friendship before
you go on to seek more.One thing I must
say though is to not put too much pressure
on her because she will run away & you
will loose her as a friend.On the other
hand though you cannot totally let her
take the lead & dictate everything in
your relationship because you will end up
being taken for granted & walked all
over.I wish you the best of luck
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Kelli_
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Sep 2004 Posts: 46 Location: America
Well, Posted: 10-02-04 00:29am
It's been almost three months.
I wonder what's become of hammy and his
woman friend... Anyone heard?
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