My Husband Was Recently Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder Posted: 07-24-04 21:56pm
My husband was recently diagnosed with
bipolar disorder (mixed). He is also an
alcoholic and was a drug user (marijuana
and cocaine). Marijuana was the drug I
knew he had used; I had found out later
(after we were married) that he'd been
using cocaine for 3 out of the first 4
years of our relationship. Before he was
diagnosed with bd, he was in aa. But, a
couple of months ago, while I was away
visiting family, he fell off the wagon,
was pulled over for a dui, then attempted
suicide (not the first attempt). I am now
separated from him - I left him. We have
been married only a year.
Before we were married, we had our
struggles - mostly dealing with his
alcohol addiction. But, he assured me he
was committed to quitting. He hadn't had
a drink for almost a year. I knew going
through with the marriage was a risk, but
I loved him and trusted what he was
telling me -when you love someone, you
believe in them. Plus, he had gotten a
new job and things were really looking up
for our future.
In one weekend, our lives have changed
forever. I don't know how many chances
i'm supposed to give this guy. I'm not a
pushover, and consider myself to be a good
person who always stives to do the right
thing. I just don't know if I can be with
someone who has hurt me and disappointed
me time and time again. Every time I go
to trust him, he lets me down. I hear of
spouses who live with their husbands or
wives with bd. How? How do they do it?
What my husband has done has upset me, my
family, his family, my friends, his
friends. I feel if I decide to give him
another chance, I will lose the respect of
my family and friends who are tired of
seeing me hurt by him - and coming to my
"rescue."
since we've been separated, I have spoken
with my husband on the phone a few times.
Some calls he sounds sincerely apologetic
for what he has done - and admits that he
has caused this separation. Other calls,
he is like a different person - hateful
and bitter, blaming me for his problems -
creating farfetched reasons why he is in
the predicament he is. He recently told
me that i'm a reason to drink. I am so
devastated about our separation. I love
my husband, but don't know if it's enough
to go back to him - and risk losing the
support of my family. I don't know what
to do. I try to reason in my head that
it's the best thing. I think of all the
times he's hurt me (emotionally), which
makes me think that i'm doing the right
thing; until I read other spouses who are
"sticking it out" to save their
marriage.
I feel guilty for leaving him. But, again
- how many chances do I give this man? He
has cheated on me, lied to me, hurt my
family more than once, has alcohol and
drug addictions, cannot find a job (he has
a masters degree), and now this. Friends
and family have assured me that life will
be better without him and to be thankful
we don't have any children. But, they're
not the ones who love this guy. And, I
do. Plus, it's easy for them to say -
they have spouses. Plus, I really meant
it when I said my vows at our wedding. I
never went into my marriage thinking,
"well, if he screws up, i'll just get a
divorce." I don't want to get divorced.
Any advice or words of reason are
welcomed. I'm so confused about what to
do.
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purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 07-25-04 05:12am
See a counsellor, actually you might need
more than one - a marriage guidance
counsellor but perhaps also one for each
of you as individuals - also i'd look into
a support group for yourself (get him to
one too - if he'll go!).
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olivia3
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Jul 2004 Posts: 5
Thanks - Sometimes Counselors Are Not Very Helpful. Posted: 07-26-04 16:17pm
Thank you for replying to my post. Yes, I
agree about seeking counseling. However,
the counselors i've seen thus far (through
my work's eap) are far from helpful -
which can be discouraging. I think I may
turn to my minister. He's the one who
married us. I feel so embarrassed that
this has happened - so soon after we were
married. My parents would freak out if
they thought I was entertaining getting
back with my husband. I'm not a glutton
for punishment, but I truly believe in
marriage - good times and bad. But, to
what length the bad?
Thank you, again for your response.
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 07-26-04 20:27pm
Is he going to alcholics anonymus(sp) and
drug addiction anonymus(sp again), they
can sometimes help, a minister might be a
good thing, but, he should show you he
will change first, has he been thru detox?
Just a couple of suggestions, as their
are too many men that say that they will
change but they never do, believe me, I am
speaking from my own experiences and
others. You are worth this! You seem
to have a good head on you shoulders, lead
with your hand and not with your heart,
but show him you have your pride! Don't
ever let him abuse you physically or
mentally, that to me was the main thing,
it is not worth your health! Their are
different types of bi-polar his seems to
stem from alchohol and drugs.
Hope you keep track of all the money, this
will show something, also.
You might check out al-anon, this helps
you to learn to live with people that have
these problems!
Good luck!
Keep us posted
sincerely,
sandy
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olivia3
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Jul 2004 Posts: 5
He Has Gone to Aa And the Substance Abuse "aa" Posted: 07-26-04 21:48pm
Sandyallen, thank you for your kind words.
My husband was doing so well with giving
up alcohol. It was the cocaine that
caught up with him. He got kicked out of
the military, lost his great job
opportunity and has been struggling ever
since...Which is why he turned back to
alcohol the moment I left him
"unattended." he is a very mixed up
person, and I just don't know if I should
spend my life with someone with so many
problems. I know noone has the perfect
marriage, but it shouldn't have to be this
hard either, right? At least, that's what
my friends and family are telling me. One
of the emotional challenges i'm facing is
that i'm also afraid that I won't meet
anyone new, and i'll lose a chance to have
a family (i'm approaching my middle 30s).
I weep all the time about it. I have a
hard time seeing other happy couples with
families. It's just plain awful - the
emotions. Can anyone relate to these at
all?
Anyway, that's what i'm going through. I
just feel like a failure for my marriage
failing. I had such high hopes for us
both. We used to be so in love with one
another, and now he talks to me with such
hate and bitterness. Isn't it amazing how
a relationship can take a 180 degree turn?
Despite all the hurt and disappointment
he's caused me, I have never spoken to him
(since our separation) with such words -
like he has to me. It breaks my
heart...Kind of feels like a
death...Breaking up...I'm so sad all the
time.
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 07-26-04 22:28pm
I used to stay with my husbands because I
felt it was my fault also, men have a way
of making you feel this way, but you know
what, it is not(caps) your fault! I was
brought up to think a marriage is forever,
you make your bed, you lay in it, but
after I got older, I learned that when
those sheets get dirty that you have to
change them and that is what I finally
did. I went with guys(losers) because I
felt sorry for them or thought I could
help them, golly, was I wrong, odds are
they are not going to change, except for a
short time!
As I believe I said before, you seem to
have a good head on your shoulders, you
will do better, I did after the third
time, but that does not make me a bad
person! I have no regrets, just
experiences!
You are young, you will meet someone that
will treat you the way you should be
treated and maybe your husband might do a
turnaround, their is always a little
hope!
I used to always be afraid of being an old
maid too, but I am not! I realize that
it is difficult to be single after being
married(been there l.O.L.) but we have to
be strong!
Sincerely,
sandy
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purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 07-27-04 02:29am
I understand the fear of not having a
child - but remember while perhaps not the
"preferred" option you can have a child on
your own via a sperm donor if it comes to
that.
Also remember that having a child with
someone who is abusive (in any way) &
who you are afraid of staying with (for
any reason but esp. Given his mental
instability) is a bad(caps) idea!!
Children need as much love & security
as we can give them. Do you really think
you want to have this man's child much
less put a child at risk by raising it in
the same house as him??
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SOMA
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Jun 2004 Posts: 3
Don't Feel Guilty Posted: 07-28-04 02:26am
Olivia3 i´m also getting divorce from my
wife, she´s bp. Exactly as you I believe
in marriage as an space to love each other
with inconditional support under any
circunstance, but first of all remember
that charity starts from one self, you
have to love you in such a way that you
could be able to recognice when you are
beeing really loved. Check if you could
have any emotional dependency with him and
take care of don't thinking that is love.
I don't know if this could be happening to
you but if you have an emotional
dependency and you are not able to
recognice it you could be an easy target
for this feelings of guilty and for any
abuse from him. What I am trying to say
is that don't feel guilty, I know is
difficult not to feel like if you have
abandoned the man wich you planed to get
older untill the last of your days, but a
new future is waiting for you, don't be
sad don't feel guilty, it is not your
fault and ,in my opinion, there's nothing
else you can do about it that you allready
haven't done.
I wish you the best as you really deserve
it.
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paulv
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jul 2004 Posts: 55 Location: Canada
Try to Fix Your Relationship Posted: 07-28-04 04:00am
Hi olivia
just a little practical advice. Bipolar
manic depression is treatable, but your
husband needs to feel that you are
suppporting his attempts to go through
treatment.
If he is not currently willing to
participate in treatment, it is best to
distance yourself from him physically.
Keep in touch by phone, but let him know
that your willingness to stick by him, is
dependant on him controlling his condition
by therapy and or drugs.
You can help him most by realizing this is
his problem and he need to work through
it. You should not reward irrational or
violent behavior.
If he persists in blaming you, you should
terminate the conversation and wait until
he cools off. Give him a few days, before
answering his calls.
Do you have call display?
Be prepared to change your phone number,
or even move to a new address, if he
becomes disruptive.
With persistence and determination, you
may be successful in modifying the worst
of his anti-social behaviors.
Good luck, paul
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olivia3
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Jul 2004 Posts: 5
Thank You to All Who Responded to My Post Posted: 07-30-04 21:36pm
Thank you - you all raise good points.
And, I truly appreciate your thoughts and
well wishes.
Just recently my parents laid into me and
how I made a bad choice to marry him. I
really resent their remarks because, is it
a bad choice when you have faith in
someone and believe that they're trying to
help themselves? No one has a crystal
ball. We can't help who we fall in love
with. I just happened to fall in love
with a guy who has a lot of problems. And
now, we know why he has had so many
problems. I'm just not sure if i'm ready
to give up on our marriage. I'm so torn.
What's even worse is that my parents have
made me feel like the black sheep of the
family...As if I had control over the
problems my husband has brought upon me
and my family. And why do they take it so
personally? They're not the ones who
married him - I am.
Ugh - i'm so frustrated. What's even
worse is being surrounded by wedding plans
- my sister gets married in a couple of
months...And, they just love her
fiance...I hate my life right now.
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purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 07-31-04 09:34am
Yes right now things are sounding lousy
but remember it isn't your fault not your
husbands - it just is & your parents
are at fault if anyone is because they
should be there for you, supporting,
helping not judging or blaming - you did
what was right at the time & that is
all any of us can do & sometimes even
with hindsight we know that given the
chance again we would still make the same
choices.
May god bless you & your husband (be
you together or apart) & please get
counselling for yourslef & as a couple
if he will agree.
