Joined: 16 Jan 2004 Posts: 1222 Location: illinois
the Reason Why..i Am the Way I Am Sometimes. Posted: 07-26-04 22:49pm
Past four years of my life.....*warning*
some of this caca is pretty sick.
1995:seven years old, finally...I have a
daddy.
Mommy is getting married, i'm the flower
girl.
During the wedding my new daddy cried.
1996:not too long after that I had a
sister.
Her name is alyssa, I was sooo
excited!Mommy pulled me out of school
because daddy said, well...It would be
better to be out of public school. Even
though teachers wanted to skip me up
grades for being so smart.
1997: mommy and daddy had a boy,
logan..Wow! Two siblings! I'm so
excited....Now there really isnt much time
for me anymore...
1998: i'm still out of school....And...I
havent learned anything. Mommy is always
too tired to teach me. So I havent done
school at all....
1999: I guess they deicded to put me back
in school....I was sooo excited!.....I got
straight a's and won the dare character
award...Mommy is getting more
depressed..And..Well...Daddy..More lazy
and more mean to me...He's nice to the
others..Why not to me??
2000: going into the sixth grade...I'm
supposed to be in seventh....But when mom
and dad put me back in public school I was
supposed to be in 6 not 5th...Dad started
to do new things...Tell me not to tell
mommy, cause it could get in trouble. I'm
not quite sure if it's right or
not....Until he kept on doing these things
to me more frequently...Daddy made me
touch him. Like grown-ups do. He touched
me too. But he made it out to be a
game...And I didn't want him to hurt
me..So I went along with it. When I
didn't do what he wanted me to do, he
would ground me...Tell my mom that I was a
very bad girl. I would get grounded for
weeks, months...It didn't matter. I
didn't want to tell mom cause I wanted
alyssa and logan....And my new sister
cheyenee to have a dad. Until
finally....He got me in my sleep. I let
him do those things to me..I woke up while
he was...But I pretended to roll
over...Like I didn't know what was going
on....I told mommy..And she cried and so
did you, scott...But this time...It wasnt
tears of happiness. Mom could have left
you scott....But she didn't you health
questions..I talked her out of it.....And
you promised to never do it again.
2001: thirteen...Developing....You stair
at me....All the time..Occasionaly you'll
touch me....Even though I don't want you
to. Yet I won't tell mom cause this time
she will leave you.
2002: fourteen....I can't effing take it
anymore, you health questions...I'm
getting in more fights with mom, I don't
know why. I get the police called on
me...I'm having sex with my new boyfriend
stephen...I'm listening to gothic
music...I dress in black and only
black....I hate this effing world..I tried
to kill myself god knows how many
times...Cut myself...So many times.....I
lash out and tell mom what you do/and did
to me....See, mom only knew about that one
time in bed....She didn't know about all
the other times....Sick make love to. Now
dcfs is involved....Your kicked out of the
house....Stupid effers are coming to my
school all the god damn time. I have to
go to consulling!
2003: still in counsilling....You are
too....Moms divorcing scott. What now? I
bet life sucks!......My new boyfriend and
I are having a baby..Yes a baby...I'm
fifteen years old. I wrote a letter to
the states attourny....So they'll let
scott still see hiskids with
supervision...And scott can not come
around me at all......As for my
boyfriend..He wants to fool around on me
because im fat and pregnant....I know he
loves me...And he mentally abuses me...But
he does treat me well too
2004: I get done with counsilling....And
scott has to go until im 18. Group..For
sex offenders. I had my child in
february....In march I split up with his
dad. Too mentally abusing. I did meet
this one guy, patrick. I've hung out with
him many times before..Last year....At
football games. I've had a crush on him
for awhile. Now we are in love....I still
love stephen....He never sees alexander.
Mom gets lonly at times..I blaim myself.
Occasionaly i'll cut myself. Oh..I'm out
of that gothic scene....But I love rock
music. I wear what I want.
Those. Are my years of hell. Metting
patrick.....Just promises me that my years
to come will be better.
i am praying for you sweety, you know
what.. You have one amazing testimony,
you will survive through this, and if you
take everything you've been through, you
can use it in a positive way to shed light
on some one elses life, god's got a plan
for you, an amazing one.. Keep your head
up sweety and keep pushing through strong!
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EricsLiLStar
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 May 2004 Posts: 93 Location: Cranberry Twp, Pa
Posted: 07-26-04 22:59pm
Omg sweetie, I can't even imagine what you
went and are going through. Don't ever
ever blame yourself tho, the things that
happened were not your fault at all!
There are many many sick people in this
world and unfortunetly you had to meet 1
of them. By telling your mom about what
happened you saved her, you got her and
your siblings away from him. I think your
very brave for talking about it, i'm not
sure if i'd be that strong if I went
through all that, you have alot of guts
and thats a very good quality to have! If
you ever want to talk you can e-mail me at
missst
aryeyez@aol.Com
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mommabear16
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Jan 2004 Posts: 1222 Location: illinois
Posted: 07-26-04 23:09pm
Well..Like I told chanda..That is the
reason why I write what I wrote....Poems
and such..The ones I share with you. It's
my replacement for cutting, yah know?
....But my life is drama....I've got
stalkers....People always on my a$s about
things....But...Life isnt that bad anymore
yah know? It's starting to see the
light.....A little....
Poems are an awesome way to express
yourself, I used poetry alot in my teen
years as almost an escape and an outcry.
It feels so good to "get it out" even if
its in a form that some may never truely
understand, at least you do!
i am always open to talk if you just want
to get things out.. You'd be amazed at
how simular our stories are.
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kitty_55
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Aug 2003 Posts: 1473 Location: Canada
Posted: 07-26-04 23:13pm
Aww nikki!! I am so sorry that happened
to you!! I don't know what to say...I'm
so proud that you told your mom about
scott I know its a hard thing to do my
cousin made me so stuff to him and it took
me almost a year to tell anyone it was one
of the hardest things I have ever
done...Hun the future will only bring you
good...Patrick seems like a perfect guy
for you!! Don't worry about stephen(sp?)
hes not worth your time..Even tho he is ur
baby daddy that doesnt mean a god damn
thing!! He was just a sperm donor patrick
is alex's daddy...I am so sorry for
everything that you have been thro!! It's
sad to think so many people have been in
ur place...People like scott derserve to
die!!
**hugs**
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lee25
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Dec 2003 Posts: 1018 Location: new york
Posted: 07-26-04 23:15pm
you
have me in tears. I'm sorry for what you
had to go through. I pray that your
future turns out alot better. As for the
cutting I know you try not to do it but
sometimes can't help it. Please be srong
for your little one, try to give him all
the love, happiness and laughter that you
lacked as a child. Be the best mom you
can be. Always be aware, so that nothing
like that ever happens to your kids.
Brenda
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babyrae
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Jan 2004 Posts: 2957 Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posted: 07-27-04 01:09am
Awwww hun that made me cry! Omg that is
so sad! I cant believe u had to go thru
all that. Hun im so sorry **hug** I
really hope it gets better for u, theres
always a rainbow after the rain
Nikki,
i talked to you on-line already but I want
to say again. I hurt deeply for the fact
that you've had to endure this type of
pain. I think it's one of the worst
things that can happen to a person and
while I don't understand why people do it,
I want you to know that I hope you are
stronger because of it. You are beautiful
and a wonderful mother...... Don't let
what he did stop you. You are too good
for that!
Love,
chanda
to all your friends, you're delirious
so consumed in all your doom
trying hard to fill the emptiness
the piece is gone left the puzzle undone
it that the way it is
you are beautiful no matter what they say
words can't bring you down oh no
you are beautiful in every single way
yes, words can't bring you down oh no
so don't you bring me down today...
**hugs**
