Anxiety and Stress Forum - Shyness Or Social Anxiety?


Shyness Or Social Anxiety?

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ScaredBaka

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 23 Jul 2004
Posts: 175

Shyness Or Social Anxiety? Posted: 08-01-04 00:21am


I've always been a very shy and secluded person, keeping to myself most of the time and living a very sheltered life because of a lack of friends. I like meeting new people, but often i'm a bit nervous and don't say much, if anything at all in their presence unless they speak to me (i won't talk unless someone talks to me first). I'm 17 and have not had a job. Par tof the reason is that the nearest employment is over 10 miles from my house and I have absolutely no way to get there. The other reason is that i'm too scared; i'm too scared to get a job because I think i'll manage to find some way to screw it up and embarrass myself. I read a recent letter in dear abby describing a problem similar to mine and the girl's mother who had written the letter said her daughter had social anxiety. Could I have this same condition, or is it "all in my head"? .................. Scaredbaka - very shy

>?¿_BaByGuRL_?¿<

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 06 Jul 2004
Posts: 54

Posted: 08-01-04 03:11am


Hi there! Firstly I just wanna say, there is nothing wrong with being a little on the shy side, being shy only becomes a problem when it interferes with your life, and restricts you from doing what u wanna do, which in ur case, that’s whats happening. And the fact that you don’t want to get a job because you think you’ll “find some way to screw it up and embarrass” yourself, shows that. Nothing should hold you back from living your life. Im no doctor, but it does sound like you may have abit of social anxiety, and maybe you should visit ur doctor and see what he/she says. P.S something about ur post reminded me of something I read a while ago, and after looking for ages I finally found it! “avoidant personality disorder is social withdrawal due to intense, anxious shyness. People with avoidant personalities are reluctant to interact with others unless they feel certain of being liked. They fear being criticized and rejected. Often they view themselves as socially inept and inferior to others.” “avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.” newayz, I hope u do go try and get help, cos I know wat its like to be shy. xoxoxoxoxo

purple333

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 01 Dec 2003
Posts: 1420
Location: Sydney

Posted: 08-01-04 10:17am


I used to throw up if I were going out (even to the home of a friend or family member) & overcoming it was only achieved by force (me forcing me) - the thing is though that it is still with me constantly & it has affected my life - not for the better. You are only 17 yet you realize that you have a problem & that is half way to a solution - you can not solve a problem unless & until you acknowledge it - you have done that - you have also begun seeking a solution. The issue of distance with no transport (not merely to get a job but I assume also for social contact) is I think your first hurdle. Is there a family friend (or a family member) that you could move in with who is closer to somewhere where you could a) get a job b) meet people & develop/practise soical skills & c) most importantly perhaps obtain counselling or find a university or hospital that runs cbt groups (often free or cheap) cognitive behaviour therapy????

ScaredBaka

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 23 Jul 2004
Posts: 175

Posted: 08-01-04 12:28pm

>?¿_babygurl_?¿< wrote:

“avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.”

< span class="postbody">

i swear it feels as if you could have taken this directly out of my autobiography (if I had one ^-^). I'm all of those things right up in that excerpt; the only exception is that while i'm afraid of embarrassing myself in front of others, i'm completely fine if I have someone else to be embarrassing with (i.E., my crazy cousin).

I don't like working with others, not because i'm afraid, but because i'm just very independent - I hate depending on someone else or having someone else help me.

Everything else though describes me perfectly. I tihnk you really hit the nail on the head, babygurl.

purple333 wrote:

the issue of distance with no transport (not merely to get a job but I assume also for social contact) is I think your first hurdle. Is there a family friend (or a family member) that you could move in with who is closer to somewhere where you could a) get a job b) meet people & develop/practise soical skills & c) most importantly perhaps obtain counselling or find a university or hospital that runs cbt groups (often free or cheap) cognitive behaviour therapy????

i do have an aunt that lives in town, as well as my boyfriend, but my mom wouldn't let me leave the house, and she also won't let me get a job during the school year because during that time she wants me to focus solely on my schoolwork and such.

I am going to hopefully seek counseling sometime within the next year, because i'm being forced (yes, forced) into college and I know i'm going to have a nervous breakdown at some point if I don't find help. I also don't want to go to college because, to be honest, I don't think I have the "smarts" to get through the courses. I have good grades and all, in the 90s and high 80s, but I still feel as if college is a hurdle I won't be able to overcome.

..........................

But yes, counseling is definitely in need. I'm not ashamed to admit I have something wrong with me - I say it to myself every day o.O . But thank you both for your great advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your help because i'd practically be writing you a novel of gratitude ^-^

thank you once more, babygurl and purple333.

.....................

Scaredbaka - is anxious

purple333

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 01 Dec 2003
Posts: 1420
Location: Sydney

Posted: 08-01-04 12:46pm


My daughter (16) is at college - started at 15 - she's never been happier because there are sooooooooo many different things she can get involved in - is your crazy cousin going to college too? Perhaps you could go to the same one & study & play together!! Or maybe you could meet someone else like your cousin. Your grades are fine!! (i would not say it if I didn't mean it!!) also what my daughter loves is that at college she can express her opinions & ideas not just what the teacher tells her to think!! Even if you don't want to talk you may enjoy hearing what others have to say!! Also (here anyway) colleges have counselling services & many (there I know)run cbt courses (free or cheap) (cognitive behaviour therapy) which I think could be of great help to you.

bd1012

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 31 May 2004
Posts: 1998

Posted: 08-01-04 13:47pm


Lol. I think I have long lost sisters!! You all are just like me!! I have a job though but if it weren't for my shyness, instead of being a dishwasher, I would've been a restuarant hostess at a different restuarant making more money. Being shy sucks, I am shy because I used to get made fun of all the time and I don't trust older mens motives so i'm shy around them. People at work are always trying to get me to talk.

Outsider

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 10 Jul 2004
Posts: 26
Location: USA

Posted: 08-01-04 16:26pm


Hi scaredbaka u dont have to be shy im like u I have a shelterd life but I grew up from mine I used to be in front of pretty girls nurses ect I allways held my head down now im 32 and I got over it a little im also have little friends u have one friend here ^_^

ScaredBaka

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 23 Jul 2004
Posts: 175

Posted: 08-02-04 00:02am

purple333 wrote:

my daughter (16) is at college - started at 15 - she's never been happier because there are sooooooooo many different things she can get involved in - is your crazy cousin going to college too? Perhaps you could go to the same one & study & play together!! Or maybe you could meet someone else like your cousin. Your grades are fine!! (i would not say it if I didn't mean it!!) also what my daughter loves is that at college she can express her opinions & ideas not just what the teacher tells her to think!! Even if you don't want to talk you may enjoy hearing what others have to say!!

Also (here anyway) colleges have counselling services & many (there I know)run cbt courses (free or cheap) (cognitive behaviour therapy) which I think could be of great help to you.

my cousin is 2 years older than me; this month she'll be starting her second year of college. I considered going to the same college as her, not to be around her, but because I planned to major in an art field and her college has a good art program...But my mom of course has to butt in; she doesn't want me going to my cousin's college because she says my cousin's parents will think i'm just following in her shadow (we both went to the same elementary and high schools). In a way I look forward to going to college because i'll get away from my mom and be able to live a little. I'm mainly scared that I won't be able to handle the courses; college just sounds so difficult to me.

..................

Scaredbaka

purple333

Extremely EHEALTHy

Joined: 01 Dec 2003
Posts: 1420
Location: Sydney

College More Than Just a Degree>>> Posted: 08-02-04 12:27pm


There is alot more to going to college than merely getting a degree. 1. Ok - so it may help to have that piece of paper in order to get a job! 2. Making friends (join several clubs/societies/etc & then try them out till you find the one that suits you & whose members you enjoy being around!!) 3. Growing up, maturing, experiencing life, making your own decisions - I may be a mum, but I also remember how smothering my mother was alot of the time - hell she went to university the year after me!! - the same uni & did the same subjects!!!!!! So yes, I think that getting away from your mum is potentially one of the best things about you going to college & if you get a part-time job then you could avoid coming home for long holidays. That may seem awful, but I do feel your mum has not been fair to you - of course we are only hearing your side & maybe she hs reasons?? I must admit though that it may in the long term be better for your own personal development to be at a college different to your cousin, still if her college has the right course for you - then that's the real issue>>>> 4. The chance to get part-time & casual work - helps you support yourself, gives you the chance to get references & so get better jobs & possibly you could get work in an area that you want eventually to work in >>>>> with this in mind you should try & join clubs on campus that have connections to what you want to do (my daughter joined & is active in the theatrical society as her university & this gives relevant experience as well as contacts for what she wants to do - acting!!

>?¿_BaByGuRL_?¿<

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 06 Jul 2004
Posts: 54

Confidence
Posted: 08-03-04 20:27pm

Have confidence in yourself. Ur marks show that u are very bright, you have nothing to worry about. Its gonna b a new experience 4 u….It might be a bit scary but look! Purple just pointed out all the good things that’s gonna come out of it :d
mmmm I really understand wat u mean about ur crazy cousin lol. It helps when ur around someone ur totally comfortable with and who u can relate to.

Im glad u posted here, sometimes all we need is a little support. Smile

bd1012 wrote:

lol. I think I have long lost sisters!! You all are just like me!! I have a job though but if it weren't for my shyness, instead of being a dishwasher, I would've been a restuarant hostess at a different restuarant making more money. Being shy sucks, I am shy because I used to get made fun of all the time and I don't trust older mens motives so i'm shy around them. People at work are always trying to get me to talk. Laughing

I think were all long lost sisters too! (?And brothers?) lol
heads up girls!

~*~*~imagine what you would do if you knew you couldn’t fail~*~*~

>?¿_BaByGuRL_?¿<

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Joined: 06 Jul 2004
Posts: 54

Confidence Is Key
Posted: 08-03-04 20:27pm

bd1012 wrote:

I think were all long lost sisters too! (?And brothers?) lol
heads up girls!

~*~*~imagine what you would do if you knew you couldn’t fail~*~*~

SallyDallyDoo

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 24 Jul 2004
Posts: 4
Location: Tennessee

Posted: 08-10-04 10:26am


Hey scared, yes you can make it in college! It might even be the best thing that happened to you! Start with some "easy" courses. The professors want you to succeed. Apply at a small school where you will get more individual attention and won't get lost in a crowd. You'll find that there is plenty of help available, and all the incoming freshmen feel the same lost and insecure way you do. There will be no shortage of kindred spirits. When I was a teen I would go so far as to step outside the building to avoid having to speak to people I had known since preschool. I was scared of saying something stupid, making some social faux pas, and also I didn't particularly like that whole crowd. I didn't even show up for the senior class group portrait. Sounds like neither you nor I are sheeple, and we hate conventional constraints. When you go to college you will have the opportunity to start fresh, reinvent yourself, and find a group of people with the same outlook as yourself. No one there will know you, so you are free to be whomever and whatever you want to be! I went from never speaking to being totally outgoing. It was like I had been released from prison. Afraid? You betcha. I was scared out of my wits of being a failure. Flunking courses, being ridiculed, being "exposed". You know what? College was a thousand times easier than high school. I had miserable hs grades but breezed through college with honors. You have far more control over your course load and free time, and don't have to overload yourself your first semester. Do some eezy breezy things at first to give yourself time to acclamate, meet people, do stuff. Have you considered going to a different school for the first couple of years, to get the basics out of the way, and then transferring? I met my best friend in college nearly 20 years ago (yikes!) and we're still tight. I found my career, I found my interests, I found myself. And i'm pretty darn likeable! So are you. As an only child, when you look up "smothering" in the dictionary you saw my parents' photos posted. <g> I literally had to peel my mother's hands off my dorm room doorway and push her downstairs into the car. Getting out from under them, no matter how much we love each other, was the best thing I ever did. No words can describe how freeing, enjoyable, breathtaking, and flat-out fun college was. I had no jobs before college, but during college I tutored elementary school kids. That was fun, let me set my own schedule, and had instant-gratification results. Grades? Don't worry. Like I said, my hs grades sucked, no other way to put it. I made d's in the math courses, c's in most others (from not caring and lack of trying). I was in no honor societies, no sports, basically stayed home and hid. I did do fairly well on the sat, however, and submitted a scholarship application to my (small) college of choice. Bottom line: I was chosen, on the basis of interview and not so much grades, for a full scholarship. Colleges look at your potential and you as a person, not you as a grade-point-churning machine. It did put more pressure on me to keep my grades up, but choosing courses carefully helped with that. No I didn't major in basketweaving. For instance, when I was not doing well in one elective, weightlifting (because of my knees), I dropped that course and later took something far more meaningful and enjoyable where I knew I could succeed (religion). I had 4 dates in high school. Total. Then, I met a "college guy" my senior year, through my dad of all people! He and I hit it off instantly, and I could talk to him with no problem. He had no prior knowledge of me, had no preconceived notions of me, nothing, so I was free to be me. We kept up a long-distance relationship through college, and had our 14th wedding anniversary earlier this year. My hs "friends", the few there were, have long since disappeared, but I still have my best friends from college. Hs is transient. You're about to grow magnificent wings and be able to tell the world who you are, on your own terms, and you'll love it. Sally