Help -- Fatal Attraction! Posted: 08-03-04 09:12am
Hi -- I seriously need some perspective
and advice. This is long, so please bear
with me!
I just broke up with a guy because of his
cocaine use (once/twice per week) and
subsequent verbal abuse towards me. He
was jeckyl and hyde, and from what i've
read, irrational explosive behavior
typically results from cocaine use and the
withdrawals, etc. On the flip side of
things, we were talking about moving in
together and getting married. Our
relationship was mixed, 50/50 I would say,
and in my opinion, the coke contributed
largely to our problems and caused most of
our fights.
Now, I am stupidly hoping he will get a
reality check and realize he just blew an
entire life's plan with the woman he loves
because of coke. Last week, two days
after I broke up with him, he told me he
would get help. I do not know if he is
following through on this, and I am aware
I should not be with him unless/until he
is fully recovered, however long that
would take. In the meantime, I am aching
for him, and wish sooo badly he would
call/write, tell me how much he loves me
and how much he screwed up.. Yet, he
hasn't. All i've gotten is an email this
week saying he's done some soul searching
and that he's sorry for the cruel things
he said to me recently... And no need to
write him back. He knows I won't consider
being with him unless coke is out of his
life, completely.
How do I let go??? I am still so drawn to
him, despite the blow ups and negative
stuff, I still love him, my heart is
aching, and I can't help but hope that
this will all change, that he will quit
because he loves me, and we will get back
together. I can't contact him because
he's the one who screwed up, broke
promises about stopping, and lied/hid it
from me, and I feel he has stomped on our
love and on me. He would need to turn it
around, pursue me, and show me he means
it. But I am dying to contact him,
regardless. Ugh! How does a person
resolve the dual nature of this kind of
situation?? It's so hard!!!!
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PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Love Those Bad Boys! Posted: 08-05-04 20:14pm
You sound like a very sweet and caring
person.That is not a bad
thing.Unfortunately,you have fallen in
love with a "bad boy".I was addicted to
this type for a good part of my life(have
kicked the habit and am happy now!! ).It is very hard
to step away from someome when they need
support and caring,but if he is not
looking for that from you,save yourself
the heartache.If he gets clean and wants
to pick up where you left off, start fresh
and try again.Don't try to rescue him if
he does not want it(from you).I once had
an ex-boyfriend tell me to my face that I
was too good for him,i should have
listened to him.He was 100% correct!!I
found out too late,i was shattered when he
dumped me 3 weeks before our wedding.I
thought I could save him from being a "bad
boy",but I was wrong.He did not want to
change,he liked to hurt women,sober or
not.Best to you,patty
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emf
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 4 Location: boston
Help - Fatal Attraction! Posted: 08-06-04 13:05pm
Patty,
thanks so much for your encouraging
support..
Ouch, that must have hurt, 3 weeks before
the wedding date! Sounds like you're much
better off though so, how did you
break the bad boy habit?? Would love to
know! And good for you. Wow. There is
hope
i know what I deserve, and have been with
guys who are not the "bad boy", but when I
do go there, I get the mindset: if he
says he will change and wants to, then
maybe there's hope.. And I think all I
need to do is tell him what I need, and he
should be able to listen and respectfully
do it, so I hold on... My friends think I
am nuts. We are talking again & i'm
doing a wait and see period... They all
tell me why hold onto a potential lemon??
I am asking myself the same question, but
I feel like I need to see what happens
with the coke and if he quits or not.
This could be a total waste of time, but
for some reason, I am willing to see. Is
that crazy, given that he's been an ass at
times?? Shouldn't I walk away, having
experienced this already? Is it foolish
to think it's just the coke??
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PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Posted: 08-06-04 15:44pm
I can't tell you what to do,only what i've
gone through.I don't think it was only the
coke,sometimes there's an undercurrent of
truth in what people say when they are
under the influence.I feel(this is only my
feeling) that when people say or do
hurtful things,that some part,even if it
is unconcious,means those words or
actions.If your guy is serious about
getting clean,give him time to figure his
own stuff out.He has some issues to work
through before he can be good to you,let
alone hinself.Having been into drugs
myself,i can truly say that happy people
do not do drugs.I did them to supress
emotions I did not want to deal with.Drugs
do not make you feel good,they only make
you numb to your problems.These issues
must be dealt with before he can be ready
to have a relationship with you or anyone
else.Again,this is only my
opinion,everyone has to decide for
themselves what is good for them.Best to
you,patty
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emf
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 4 Location: boston
Posted: 08-10-04 09:25am
Patty.. Thanks so much. Your insight has
been very helpful
i am still ensnared, but trust more now
that clarity will come... Certainly if he
royally screws up and maintains his bad
boy image, it's black and white!
Thanks again, and all the best to you
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cosmoslilangel
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Oct 2004 Posts: 9 Location: California
Cocaine Habit... Posted: 10-24-04 04:30am
My husband and I were married 3 years
before I knew he was using cocaine...I
knew before we were married but he told me
he had quit using that. He did have mood
swings, so I know exactly what your
talking about...However, they have to hit
"bottom" before they can be cured...And
its not actually "cured" once they go
through a re-hab program they are still
considered drug addicts, and they will be
all through their lives. But, they do
change...When I got pregnant with our
first daughter, is when he hit "bottom",
and decided to give up and get some help,
he went through the program and has been
clean now for 21 years. But, he isnt the
same man I married, we get along good,
but, there is just something missing...Im
happy for the most part, but the other
part is miserable...So, definitely wait,
until he is clean before you get into
another relationship with him, he may not
be what you want after hes clean...My
husband told me when my daughter was about
2 weeks old, that he had to think if he
still wanted to be married to me, because
he was "high" the day we got
married...Thats not something you want
haunting you..So please think about
things, and stick to your guns about
waiting until hes clean...For your sake
and the sake of your future....
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emf
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 4 Location: boston
Cocaine Habit Posted: 10-25-04 08:54am
Hi... Thank you for sharing your
experience. I am amazed your husband was
able to hide his habit from you for so
long, but even more amazing is that he
kicked it. Wow.
What a tough thing for you to have heard
from him though.. About your wedding day.
I guess you've stuck it out and decided
the good outweighed the bad?
As far as my situation goes, i've kicked
this relationship to the curb for good.
After I last wrote on this forum, there
were a couple more incidents that were
just too disrespecful and hurtful for me
to want to continue. He contacts me
periodically and tells me he has been
"sober" for a couple months now. I don't
believe him.. I don't think he has hit
"rock bottom" as you mentioned.
In the end, I was just so turned off to
the erratic behavior, the lies, the
manipulation...The way everything was
always twisted to take the heat off of
him.. Ugh. Who needs that.
When you mention the part that is
"miserable", I am curious what you are
referring to... That he still craves it,
or is moody sometimes, or takes it out on
you... Whatever it is, I hope it doesn't
make you feel bad!
).It is very hard
to step away from someome when they need
support and caring,but if he is not
looking for that from you,save yourself
the heartache.If he gets clean and wants
to pick up where you left off, start fresh
and try again.Don't try to rescue him if
he does not want it(from you).I once had
an ex-boyfriend tell me to my face that I
was too good for him,i should have
listened to him.He was 100% correct!!I
found out too late,i was shattered when he
dumped me 3 weeks before our wedding.I
thought I could save him from being a "bad
boy",but I was wrong.He did not want to
change,he liked to hurt women,sober or
not.Best to you,patty
so, how did you
break the bad boy habit?? Would love to
know! And good for you. Wow. There is
hope 