My Boyfriend Is Extremely Possessive And Paranoid...help! Posted: 08-09-04 23:55pm
My boyfriend, while a very loving person,
is sickeningly possessive of me and very
paranoid.
He seems to want me to himself and not let
me be in contact with anyone else; when I
wanted to spend the day with my cousin, he
complained saying that I should be
spending that time with him and not with
my family. Just tonight I told him I was
going to talk to a graduate from a college
I was looking to attend, and he became so
jealous because the person is a male. My
boyfriend even tried to discourage me from
talking to this man by saying "you
shouldn't just focus on only one college -
they might not accept you." he's obviously
trying to change my mind.
He gets very very jealous if I talk to a
guy he either doesn't like or doesn't know
(i.E., this man from college, my friend
aaron), thinking i'm automatically going
to start flirting with them upon verbal
contact.
He also calls me twice a day for two hours
each time, and he makes me stay on the
line that long. If I want to leave and I
don't have a good reason (i.E., mom needs
the phone), he throws a huge tantrum.
When 2 hours have elapsed, I have to argue
with him for 10 minutes at least before he
finally lets me go. Anymore I dread
calling him, but if I don't he throws
fits.
.................
He's also extremely paranoid...He's told
me he had paranoid fantasies of his
ex-girlfriends sleeping with their male
guardians behind his back. Also tonight
he said he didn't know if he could believe
me when I said i'd never cheat on him, and
it made me cry...Knowing that I tell him
how greatly I love him and then he goes
and doubts it.
He's told me that both of his exes had
cheated on him, so I might be able to
understand why he's scared of that. But
does "i love you" mean nothing to him? I
put my heart into it when I say it.
............
I know he loves me, but sometimes I can't
stand this possessiveness and paranoia of
his. It's going to tear us apart.
I've told him about it, and he admitted
that "sometimes he can get a little bit
protective", and he promised to give me
some space, like not throwing tantrums
when I don't spend the day with him, and
not arguing with me as much when I want to
get off the phone. Those promises lasted
about a week. Now he's worse.
..........
Please help; though he sounds like a
creep, my boyfriend is a wonderful guy. I
just want him to realize how much pain he
causes me when he acts like this.
How can I get him to see what he's doing
to me? He won't take my word for it, and
he refuses counseling.
(note: we're both 17, if that could help
at all)
...........
Scaredbaka - doesn't want to lose him over
something so stupid
|
JanetBee
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Apr 2004 Posts: 332
Posted: 08-13-04 06:57am
I think you should be very afraid of this
boy. His possessiveness and jealousy
might make you feel he must really love
you to be that way, and it probably makes
you feel special, but it is a very
unhealthy and obsessive sort of attitude.
You are both only 17, and it sounds like
he is trying to control you and your life.
Just imagine if you were living with him.
Do you think he would "let" you go out for
the evening with your friends? Or have
any interests that don't involve him? Is
that the sort of life you imagine for
yourself?
You sound like you have a good
relationship with your family, and some
good friendships with people of both
sexes. That's great for you and the way
it should be, but it doesn't sound like
something he can understand. Does he have
any real friends or are you his whole
social life now?
Please think carefully about this
relationship. There's a lot of women out
there who are trapped with jealous,
possessive men, who find they have lost
all their friends, can't speak to their
families, and gradually lose their own
identity, just because of their
boyfriend's or husband's paranoia.
|
sparklypixie12
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Sep 2003 Posts: 3099
Posted: 08-13-04 08:53am
Scaredbaka-this is extremley worrying.You
are both 17-you should be enjoying your
life & doing things together &
with your friends & family. A
relationship is supposed to be
fulfilling-you should be feeling secure
& protected but not *overprotected*
this boy/man wants to control your life by
taking you away from the people you care
about,choosing who you should be friends
with & not even letting you talk to
people of the opposite sex-that is how
possessive people operate-they make sure
they take away everything you have so that
your life becomes theirs. I have read
about this so many times-young girls have
lost their lives because their obssesive
partners end up going too far.I'm not
saying this is going to happen to you but
if you allow him to control you then who
knows what will happen. You seriously
need to make the steps to change
things-tell him you won't allow him to
treat you like this & that you're your
own person-try & discuss counselling
& encourage him to get some
indepedence for himself.You need to share
this someone-talk to your mom so that
someone knows the situation & can help
you out. I would personally leave him
because you're too young to be dealing
with this but it's your choice-pm me if
you ever want to talk.
Best wishes
liz x
|
ScaredBaka
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jul 2004 Posts: 175
Posted: 08-13-04 09:56am
I assure both of you that I am very
worried about being with him sometimes; he
tells me he wants to marry me, and while
at times it might be fun, he probably
wouldn't let me go anywhere without him.
He doesn't get to go out and do many
things because his mom doesn't have a car,
but he does have a couple of friends who
come and visit every so often - his best
friend brad lives a house away and
frequently visits and sometimes stays the
night for 3 or 4 days at a time. But my
boyfriend will always tell me he'd rather
spend time with me than his own family or
friends.
I know my boyfriend is extremely paranoid,
and i've tried many times telling him not
to worry; i've sat down and grabbed him by
the shoulders and looked him right in the
face and said that I would choose death
over cheating on him, but I don't know why
he has such a hard time believing me.
I've told him a couple of times that if he
doesn't shape up, i'm shipping out. He
said he would, but not much has changed.
I'm seriously astounded that he hasn't
yelled at me for talking on the internet
to his friend brad, thinking that I flirt
with him.
He told me that he didn't like his
ex-girlfriend because she was so "clingy"
to him...What does he think he is to me?!
...............
But I have a question...If my boyfriend
won't seek counseling, could I go to one
myself and find answers?
I know he's scared of being hurt...But
it's like i'm enduring all the pain for
him sometimes.
..........
*sigh* well, I can say that if things get
any worse from this point i'll have no
choice but to say goodbye. I know he'll
be hurting badly, but if it's for my own
protection then i'll have to. But I just
don't want to make a big mistake and lose
the love of my life because of a paranoid
fantasy. I know he sounds like a terrible
person, but he does treat me well when
he's not being paranoid; he respects my
boundaries and always asks before trying
anything. He's never hurt me physically,
nor has he threatened me or anyone I
know.
..............
But thank you both for your advice.
Though not pleasing to hear on my part, I
thank you for some insight into my
situation.
.......
Scaredbaka - hopes she makes the right
decision
|
sparklypixie12
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Sep 2003 Posts: 3099
Posted: 08-13-04 10:17am
Your boyfriend seriously needs help-there
may be some deeper issues which need
resolving in his life which go far deeper
then his ex-girlfriends cheating on him or
being too clingy.I dont know if you'd be
allowed to go counselling with him-perhaps
if he requests you there then yes but
generally I think its more personal &
one to one.
Your both young you should be having fun.
I am 19 and my boyfriend is 21. We've
been together for 3.4years but we have
seperate friends & seperate hobbies
but we also do things together-it's great
because I have my little life inside our
life together.You could have something
like this but you need to decide if your
boyfriends worth it.If you dont sort
things out it will get worse I promise you
|
PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Posted: 08-13-04 11:13am
You can absolutely go for counseling
without him!If he won't change,then you
need to change the way you react to him.He
may not like the new you and may decide
that its time to move on.If so,a new
perspective of yourself can be very
helpful.A good therapist won't tell you
what to do.We all have the answers within
us,but sometimes we're just not ready to
hear them.Talking with a therapist can
allow you to actually see ,maybe for the
first time, that you know what to do but
are scared ashamrd,whatever, to take
action.A therapist should be impartial and
nonjudgemental.Having an outsider listen
can be very freeing.This person has no
vested intrest in your outcome(other than
getting paid)and should not sway your
decisions either way.Sometimes just being
able to express what you don't tell anyone
else can be a liberating experience.Good
luck to you,baka!Patty
|
tweety12986
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jun 2004 Posts: 772 Location: houston
Posted: 08-13-04 13:02pm
I think if you dont want to lose him over
something stupid and he is acting like
that you are 1 gonna leave him on your own
cuz you are tired of him or 2 you are
gonna get stuck with him
|
ScaredBaka
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jul 2004 Posts: 175
Posted: 08-13-04 22:09pm
The thing with me is that the only friend
I ever spend time with is my older cousin.
I never hang out with my school friends.
So, yeah mysocial life is a little bit
shot in thr head. O.O
i know why my boyfriend would refuse
counseling - he's been through it before
for two years and it did nothing for him.
When he was younger (i think around 12),
he began to molest his stepsister. When
he was uncovered, he was to go through
counseling because he obviously was too
young to serve a jail sentence. He hated
his counselors, because they did nothing
for him and he would get a new one (he was
in group therapy I think) practically
every week and he got sick of telling his
story. In vain attempts to get out
sooner, he would simply tell them "i'm
sorry I did it and I won't do it again."
he went to live with his mom when he was
14, which was when he came to my school.
I met him a year later.
Does anyone think this could contribute to
his issues?
...........
He knows i'd help him in any way that I
could, but I don't think he would open up
even to me let alone a stranger.
....
Scaredbaka - wishes she could find out
what is causing him such paranoia
|
PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Posted: 08-14-04 09:02am
Okay,this changes things.Please get away
from this guy!!!!Don't be afraid of
leaving,be afraid of staying!!!Obviously
he has no intention of changing and his
past sexual abuse of his stepsister is a
huge red flag!!This is not a man to
consider having children with let alone a
cup of coffee.Do not look back,you deserve
much better than this!!Go to college and
broaden your horizons,life has so much to
offer you!Be good to yourself!Patty
|
2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
Posted: 08-14-04 09:16am
All I have to say is staying with this guy
is extremely stupid. I am not trying to
offend you, but I am not going to sugar
coat it.
I was engaged when I was 18 and although
my man wasn't nearly as bad as yours is, I
can still relate. Let's just put it this
way. He talked me out of going to
college (he didn't want me to meet someone
else) and ruined three years of my life.
Not to mention the fact that I am 25 now
and still haven't gone to college. If I
had left him in the beginning and followed
my dreams, I would be done with college
now and I would have a career.
He will not get any better. Guys like
him never do. And to tell you the truth,
even if his two ex girlfriends did cheat
on him, he probably drove them to it. I
am sorry but there is nothing more
annoying than someone who is verbal about
not having any self-esteem. It isn't
very manly at all and it is so annoying.
You really need to leave him. Or at
least lay down the law. Tell him, yes I
do love you, but I will not be "owned" I
will not let you or your low self esteem
control my life. So, shape up or ship
out.
I know you love him, but you are only
hurting yourself. Get away from him!
|
sweetangel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2004 Posts: 305 Location: Fort Stockton Texas
Posted: 08-14-04 13:45pm
My boyfriend is kinda the same but not as
bad but personaly if he does get thta bad
I dont care how long weve been together
i'll just break up w/him
but I do understand how u feel
|
ScaredBaka
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jul 2004 Posts: 175
Posted: 08-14-04 22:50pm
Oh trust me, if he ever tried to force me
into anything or touch me in a way I
didn't approve of, he is out the door!
I've told him that he's only got one
chance, and while I don't mind the
occasional minor slip-up, if he does
something huge, it's bye-bye.
I know very well why he did that to his
stepsister...He was a kid with no friends,
the internet, and porn magazines. His
libido probably skyrocketed when it should
have just been awakening. And both his
parents were sex addicts, and lord knows,
he probably picked up both their genes,
which meant double trouble.
While he can be controlling at times,
sometimes it feels as if I have him
wrapped around my finger; I know that if I
use the right pressuring, he would do
anything for me. He'd do anything for me
even without pressure. I'm not trying to
protect him, but deep down I think all he
needed was someone that truly loves him.
He's never had that before; just knowing
that someone will always be there for him
no matter the circumstances - having that
reassurance has eased his nerves, but not
his paranoia. I believe such issues are
more deeply rooted.
..........
Nonetheless, I myself am going to seek
counseling for this habit of his, and also
to work out the kinks in the relationship.
I'll change him if it's the last thing I
do.
..........
Scaredbaka
|
groomer23
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jul 2004 Posts: 118
Posted: 08-15-04 00:04am
God girl, I know exactly what you are
going through. I dealt with the exact
same thing for over a year. It's a
heartbreaking situation, because you love
the person, and you know that they love
you, but they love you too much, so much
that it becomes obessesive. Eventually,
in most cases, men like that will become
physically abusive. I left before my
ex-fiance had the chance to do physical
harm to me, but he did a lot of emotional
damage that i'm still recovering from
almost a year after we split. I really
believed that he would change, and I know
he tried and wanted to chance, but he just
couldn't. Please, please take my advice,
and leave before it's too late. Don't let
him have the chance to hurt you, be it
emotionally or physically. I left, and
although it was hard.... I made it. I'm
in a relationship now, with someone who
respects me, loves me, and treats me the
way that I deserve to be treated. I
promise, if you don't lose faith in love,
you will find that too. I made it, and
you can do it too.
|
PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Posted: 08-15-04 09:22am
I disagree with the reason your boyfriend
molested his stepsister.Rape is not about
sex.It is all about control.Many rapists
are impotent unless they are the ones in
control(raping)that is why castration of
serial rapists does not work.The mind is
the dangerous part,not the penis!!I would
not stay with this person and others feel
the same.You do what you want,but with all
i've heard,i'd be gone if I were you!Patty
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2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
Posted: 08-15-04 10:23am
Men like him cannot "love" they will tell
you that they love you and they may even
think that they "love" you, but they are
not capable of love.
You really need to get away from him.
|
sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 08-15-04 13:26pm
I learned a long time ago that you don't
go with someone to change there ways, yes,
they might change for a while, but, they
turn around and become worse monsters!
It sounds to me like he does have a lot of
problems! It sounds like he is
emotionally abusing you! You might be
thinking, I made my bed, I must lay in it,
but, it sounds to me like those sheets are
dirty and you need to change them!
Good luck with whatever you decide!
Sincerely,
sandy
|
ScaredBaka
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jul 2004 Posts: 175
Posted: 08-16-04 23:54pm
Here's something that strikes me as
confusing: tonight my boyfriend was
telling me on the phone that his life is a
waste. I asked him if he thought that
even though i'm in it. He said that his
life is most definitely worth living with
me in it, but when i'm not with him, his
life is boring and worthless.
I know his life isn't too exciting - his
mom doesn't have a job or a car, so
there's hardly any money and no way he can
go out of town (he rides his bike to go
and rent video games every so often). If
it wasn't for his video games he would
probably be morbidly depressed.
Believe me, if I could I would see him
every day to make him happier...But I live
more than 10 miles from him. If I could
get a bike i'd ride into town to visit,
but my mom forbids me to because she
doesn't want me riding around where I live
(there's some hills and trees and she
thinks drivers are all out to run me
over).
.............
But this isn't about me - it's about him.
I would leave him, but my heart forbids me
to. I know this is cliche-sounding, but I
just love him so much; I can't even
describe how I love him with words.
About the statement he made, though...What
do you guys make of that?
......
Scaredbaka - won't give up on her
boyfriend
|
sweetangel
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jul 2004 Posts: 305 Location: Fort Stockton Texas
Posted: 08-17-04 17:40pm
I think u should leave him
|
ScaredBaka
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jul 2004 Posts: 175
Posted: 08-18-04 11:56am
I know i've made my boyfriend sound like a
creep, but that's only because i'm
focusing on his flaws. Yes he's paranoid
and posessive, but he's also very
sweet-hearted and gentle.
Let me ask this...If he cared nothing for
me, would he cry because of me? There's
been many times when I would be crying
thinking I may have hurt him, and he would
start crying as well. And I don't mean a
single manly tear...I mean actual sobbing.
Why you ask? Because he was so hurt from
seeing/hearing me cry.
Last weekend he started to cry because he
hadn't seen me a quite a while and he
finally had me in his arms. If a guy
misses his girl that much, how could he
not love her???
..............
Scaredbaka - always has a shoulder to cry
on
|
2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
Posted: 08-19-04 12:14pm
Even though we are just focusing on his
"flaws" these flaws are grounds for
dismissal. No matter how good the good
is.
First of all he raped his stepsister? How
could you be with someone like that?
Sorry, but that is sick and he needs to be
locked up.
Second, the whole "my life isn't worth
living" line is crap. If his life isn't
worth living then it isn't worth living.
You cannot and should not give up your
life just to make him happy and fear that
if you leave him he will kill himself.
And I am sorry, but that is exactly what
he wants. Then he "has" you and can do
what he wants.
You really need to leave him. I don't
even know why you are with him, he is
obviously seriously diluted.
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