He's a Lot Older Than Her. Does This Matter? Posted: 08-17-04 04:54am
I hope this is the right place to post
this.
Coming from a very
traditional/conservative family it is hard
for me to digest. My friend and roommate,
who I have known for about 10 years, is 23
years old. He is dating a 15 year old
woman. I have met this woman. She is
very nice, and mature. Maturity wise she
seems much older than 15. I guess more my
age. I'm 20. He is 23, as I mentioned
earlier, but has a much lower age maturity
wise. It is like they are mentally the
acceptable ages, but aren't physically.
He has had problematic serious
relationships in the past, as well as lots
of little things that never really
amounted to anything. His reasons for
actually deciding to date her are:
he wants to settle down. He doesn't want
to have to worry about finding the right
person anymore. He has known her for a
while, because she is his best friends,
sisters, daughter. He knows she won't go
behind his back and cheat or treat him
like trash.
Her parents are fine with it. They love
him and are content with the fact that he
is still 8 years older than their
daughter.
His parents are fine with it. His dad was
a little edgey at first, he says, but he
is ok with it.
A quote from him "i've been thinking about
it though. 18 years from now it isn't
going to matter how old we are." I didn't
tell him this but 18 years, daggon man,
thats like me waiting for myself to grow
up again, as I stated before I am 20.
His friends are ok with it, just a little
worried that he may get in trouble. I
think he thinks I am fine with it, but
ever since I found out it has really been
bugging me. I let him know my concerns
and how I feel about it, but his logic
defeats my traditional/conservative
morals.
The seem like they could work together
well. Also he actually hooked up with her
only two weeks ago, and just moved in with
me yesterday. We live about 2 hours away
from our original hometown. She is there.
So now it is also kind of a long distance
relationship.
I don't know what to think. Like I said,
mentally the are acceptable, but
physically he is three years older than
me, and she is five years younger than me
( 2 years older than my younger brother,
who is entering 8th grade I believe)
making a grand total of 8 years age
difference between the two. His logic
with know she will be faithful, and
wanting to finally settle down makes
sense, but it just doesn't sit right.
What should I do to ease my mind. As I
have said I have very
traditional/conservative values. I don't
smoke, I don't take drugs of any kind, I
don't consume alcohol. Heck, I even
hesitate to take aspirin. I've always
been the goody goody. I'm a 20 year old
virgin. I'm always trying to do the right
thing. I know I can't change his mind.
Thats not really my goal. My goal is to
somehow convince myself that it is
acceptable.
Help me know what to think? Is it normal
for this sort of thing to not sit well
with someone like me? I'm really
confused. I've never dealt with anything
like this before. Thanks in advance.
|
JanetBee
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Apr 2004 Posts: 332
Posted: 08-17-04 06:37am
He is right that if they were both 18
years older, it wouldn't matter. But they
aren't! The eight years between them now
is eight big years. She is just hitting
womanhood, and has a lot of life to
experience. She is more likely to get
bored with him than he is with her! He
may want to settle down and not worry
about finding the right person anymore,
but she is not at the same point in her
life. Especially if she is mature for 15,
she is going to be a lot more mature in a
year or five years -- it doesn't seem
likely that he is going to be interesting
enough for her. Is this something he is
going to be able to deal with?
What is worrying is that he has hit on a
15 year old girl because he isn't able to
relate to women closer to his own age. I
think you are worried that your friend
isn't just immature, but might be
something of a paedophile.
I think you are right to be a bit
concerned -- if they are in a sexual
relationship, it might even be illegal
where you are. There are reasons there
for that, to protect vulnerable children
from being preyed upon by those who don't
have their best interests at heart.
|
Mist
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Sep 2003 Posts: 58
Posted: 08-17-04 12:52pm
Thanks for the reply. I did forget to
note that they aren't in a sexual
relationship, but my knowing him I don't
know how long that will last.
Secondly I know there are laws against it
here in texas. Thats why I mentioned that
his other friends are worried that he may
get in trouble.
Lastly, she was the one who had a crush on
him. Three weeks ago when I was visiting
home, he told me about a letter she had
sent him. He actually showed it to me.
At the time he was in the frame of mind
"no way, she is way to young, heck she is
only 2 years older than my little sister"
his little sister is 13, the same as my
little brother. So he knows this little
age difference. I come back here and he
goes for it.
He was telling me how since he got the
letter he had to do something. So he went
up to her work, she had given him the time
of her lunch break in the letter, and they
went to lunch. He said he has never
talked to anyone as much as he had to
her.
I suppose I am with you that those are a
big 18 years. She still has a lot of
mental changes ahead of her. I know I
have changed so much since I was fifteen.
I was mature than and am even more so now.
I know it may be wrong to hope them
apart. I wish I was able to tell him
something to let him see this. I know he
just has to see for himself.
Also you mentioned that she will more
likely loose interest in him then he will
in her. I hope your right. She seems
mature enough to be able to get out of a
situation she doesn't to be in. So in the
future if she realizes a mistake. I hope
she has the strength to do something about
it. I know the longer a relationship goes
the harder it is to break out.
Something else I should mention. It's not
so much that he hits on younger girls.
They hit on him, and he just goes along
with it. Every time he meets someone and
talks to him he comes to me angry because
everyone he seems to connect with is too
young. I guess he gave up on his morals
to stay away.
We went to a concert once and a girl was
talking to him. She was 14 he was 22 at
the time. Thankfully he knew better than.
A while later he came to a party with me,
and one of the girls who is 17 was
cuddling up with him while we watched a
movie again I believe he was still 22.
Since I was his ride hope I told him I
definitely did not approve of that. I
have known her my whole life. I was 19 at
the time and I know she is far to immature
for me. She was only two years younger
than me. That's is within reasonable
limits. So when he told me about the
letter and her age and all. I looked at
him and he knew immediately I was saying
stay away. He told me what I wanted to
hear. Know I havn't been home in a few
weeks and he went ahead and got with
her.
Why does he do this? Why am I the only
thing that is able to keep him on track.
I know that if he had moved here two weeks
ago that they would not have gotten
together. I would have been able to talk
to him and show him my disapproval after
the first informal date. I know he would
have told me about it. I could have let
him know. He was to far away, and I
wasn't able to be his railroad tracks.
What am I to do.
|
PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Posted: 08-19-04 20:53pm
I think your friend has some serious
pedophelai problems and if he continues,he
will have big problems with the police.A
23 year old man should not be interested
in 15 year old girl(yes,girl!!).If they
were 22 and 30,the age difference would
not be a big deal.At 15,this child has not
experienced much of life.She had not gone
through high school,gotten a driver's
lisence or gone to prom!He's a sicko and
you'd do well to keep clear of him.You
don't want to be at the wrong place at the
wrong time with that one!!Good luck!Patty
|
Mist
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Sep 2003 Posts: 58
Posted: 08-19-04 21:42pm
I can't put him away. I have known him fo
10 years. I'm only 20. So ten years is a
long time to have known someone else. I'm
not going to throw away a friend that even
though has such a serious flaw has been
good to me for so long. I live with him
and will for at least another 11 months.
Most probably longer than that. I'm just
going to have to talk to him about it.
I'm going to have to tell him I don't
agree with it. I know none of his other
friends/relatives have so I have to make a
stand against him. I'm not going to throw
the relationship away, but I can't just
let this get by without him knowing I
dissaprove of it. I realize this. He is
visiting her and his parents back home,
and will be back here in a day or two.
When that happens i'm going to bring it
up. Its not going to be an easy
conversation for me or for him. I'm not
going to get mad at him. I'm not going to
kick him out of the house until he changes
his mind. I'm not going to treat him any
different. I'm going to let him know how
I feel and let him think about it. I know
that if I say its me or her, they always
pic the woman. So thats not going to
happen. I'm no longer going to support
the relationship. It has taken me a while
to figure out what i'm going to do. She
was over here last night and I said I
didn't have a problem with that, but in
the future i'm going to have to stand firm
and say I really don't want you staying
the night here. It is going to be hard
for me since I am such a nice person. I
can barely say no to the moocher neighbor
I know i'll never get any compensation but
I still give. I can't say no. I know
this has to stop if not for him, then for
me. I know it is selfish, this is a hard
decision, and I think it has to be this
way. I can no longer condone the
relationship.
|
sailorgirl08
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Aug 2004 Posts: 14 Location: USA
Posted: 08-19-04 23:39pm
I agree with everyone else and your
decision to tell him how you feel. I'm
almost 15 myself and i'm sitting here
trying to invision dating a 23 year old
(my cousin's age approx.) and i'm going
'why the hell would I do that??' from what
I hear from adults, i'm a very mature
girl, like his gf and I wouldn't date
anyone 8 years older than me, not while
i'm still in highschool! I've never
dated before and I can't imagine having a
first date with someone that isn't as
nervous as me, doesn't know what to say or
do at first. I can't imagine kissing
someone who isn't as inexperienced as me
(i've never been kissed) it would just be
weird.
So, I agree with your decision and wish
you the best of luck and courage. If
you're close he'll listen. Like you
said, you've known him for 10 years, he
probably values the friendship as much as
you do and isn't willing to throw it away
for some 15 year old. I've known my best
friend for four years and I can't imagine
throwing that away over some stupid
relationship.
Be strong. Hugs!
|
Mist
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Sep 2003 Posts: 58
Posted: 08-20-04 02:11am
I still dont understand how he or she
would want to get together. I probably
never will. I just hope he figures it out
before trouble comes. Anyways. I'll let
you know what happens in a couple days
when I let him know. I know everyone
hates to miss the end of a story
patty I know you don't know the situation
as well as I do, but I hope that in the
future you never just tell someone to
completely cast away someone that they
have known for a long time no matter what
the circumstances. There are ways of
hinting at the fact and letting someone
else figure it out if that is really the
best option. I'm sorry to confront you
like this, but I feel it is necessary.
|
sailorgirl08
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Aug 2004 Posts: 14 Location: USA
Posted: 08-20-04 04:12am
pattyv
wrote:
i think your friend has some
serious pedophelai problems and if he
continues,he will have big problems with
the police.A 23 year old man should not be
interested in 15 year old
girl(yes,girl!!).If they were 22 and
30,the age difference would not be a big
deal.At 15,this child has not experienced
much of life.She had not gone through high
school,gotten a driver's lisence or gone
to prom!He's a sicko and you'd do well to
keep clear of him.You don't want to be at
the wrong place at the wrong time with
that one!!Good
luck!Patty
I have to say
patty, that is the stupidest thing to say.
I don't wanna judge, because i'm not
that kind of person, but I will say that
when someone has said that they value a
friendship that much, you don't tell them
to cast it aside. Bad advice.
|
PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Posted: 08-20-04 20:29pm
I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone
else,but people do judge you by the
company you keep.If you want to continue a
friendship with this person,that's up to
you.Patty
|
princess529_98
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Jan 2004 Posts: 101 Location: Ohio
Age Posted: 08-23-04 21:56pm
My daughter was 15 when she met her first
boyfriend he was the cousin of her best
friend she actually met him at age 12
through family events she went to with her
friend at 15 they decided to go out on a
date..They went to movies, dinner,bowling
etc..He by the way was 21 so theres 6
years there. We allowed it only because
we new he came from a good family. We
kept very close eye on her for a long time
and he new if he screwed up his butt was
ours. As time went on we saw he truley
loved her and he was so good to her. He
had a full time job and attended college
my daughter was also mature for her age as
well..She had no interest in guys her age
all they were looking for was the weekend
to come so they could get laid and high
and or drunk she had no desire for any of
that. Well she is now turning 19 they are
still together and he came to my husband a
couple days ago and asked him if he could
ask her to marry him. Of course we are
looking at a couple years here before they
actually do get married we couldnt have
asked for a better guy for her and I am
happy that we allowed her with caution to
continue to see him. I hear nightmare
stories from friends who are her age and
dating guys there own age and I am
thankful I really am.. I am not saying
that evry guy is like this parents do need
to use extreme caution when there child is
dating a older guy so much can
happen..Also I was 15 and my first love
was also 21 kinda ironic huh..And I am
happy to say that we have 3 great kids and
will be married 25 years in october..
|
Mist
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Sep 2003 Posts: 58
Posted: 08-23-04 22:34pm
Hi princess,
i am so happy it worked out for you as
well as for your daughter. I know any
relationship can work. It is just hard
for me to accept it. It has always been
seen as immoral to me and my family.
Definatly borderline taboo. So now I am
living with a guy that doesn't have a
problem with it, and practices it. It is
really hard for me to look past. I have
chosen tonight to talk to him about it.
It will be later though, as I don't want
anyone else to be here when I do talk to
him about it. We have company right now.
I'll let you know what comes up.
|
princess529_98
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Jan 2004 Posts: 101 Location: Ohio
Age Posted: 08-24-04 07:00am
Well good luck with your talk..I hope
things work out well for you guys. Back
when I met my husband the age thing wasnt
a big deal I can honestely say that I cant
remember anyone back then saying anyhting
negative about it..When my daughter
starting seeing her boyfriend there was a
few upsets there were people who made
comments including his parents..Telling
him if he doesnt stop seeing her they will
kick him out,stop paying for his
school,etc,etc..In time after a few months
that started to fade everyone saw how
happy they were including his parents and
now things are just wonderful for
them..She gets along with all his friends
and his family and has been hugley
accepted by all of them..In fact when she
graduated from high school his parents who
live in wisconsin and us in ohio came to
her graduation and party along with all
his aunts and uncles and grandparents like
I said before we couldnt have asked for a
better guy for her..Theres always someone
out there who is gonna make comments or
have something smart to say or someone who
doesnt agree with the relationship. You
and him have been friends for a long time
and I understand your morals dont support
what hes doing, but you have to remember
this is his life I am sure he knows what
can happen if he screws up.Wheather you
believe or dont believe this is his
decision and as his friend lettting him
know how you feel about it isnt gonna hurt
but you also need to be supportive for him
and by that I mean dont dwell on what hes
doing with her or make remarks to him. We
dont all agree with what other people do
or dont do we all have our own opinions on
the way things should be or the way we
think they should be thats just how it
his..Hes been your friend for a long long
time I know you wouldnt want to lose that.
|
PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Posted: 08-25-04 11:19am
Princess,i'm glad that your situation
worked out for you.It seems to be working
for your daughter as well.I was being
judgemental in mist's friend's
situation.Probably interjecting my own
experinces into the mix.I dated older guys
when I was that age and all they wanted
was sex.If that works for you ,fine.I was
off base on that one.Hey,even dear abbey
is wrong from time to time.Good luck to
all of you.Patty
|
princess529_98
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Jan 2004 Posts: 101 Location: Ohio
Age Posted: 08-25-04 12:04pm
Oh no problem patty. We were lucky for
sure and I am sure there are lots of guys
out there like the ones we have..But I
also know that there are alot out there
looking for nothing but sex like you
said..And then theres your pedafiles sad
but true..I am not saying its right for
everyone out there but it worked for us
and like I stated in a earlier post
parents need to use extreme caution on
that..To many weirdos out there for sure..
|
JessC
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Sep 2004 Posts: 3 Location: Illinois
Age Posted: 09-27-04 13:12pm
Well I really dont have much room to talk,
im 19 and my boyfriend well he would be
37..So 18 years is a little bit of a
difference but I dont see his age when I
look at him I just see him and we are in
love and happier than ever..People dont
always approve of this but if people are
happy together then it shouldnt
matter..Unless theyre like 40 and 11 then
I see some problems
|
Mist
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Sep 2003 Posts: 58
Posted: 09-27-04 16:50pm
I don't know. I'm only 20 so an 18 year
difference is a hell of a difference. I
think there are law to protect the younger
of the two. I know at 19 your getting
more mature and able to make your own
decsion, but I feel the older of the two
should take the responsible role and say
no to even getting together in the first
place. 40 and 11 really isn't far from 37
and 19 when you start running it out that
far. It just . . . It's isn't right.
I asked my friend if he saw me dating his
sister, who is the same age difference
from me that he is to his now girlfriend.
No way in hell. His little sister isn't
even in high school yet and i'll have
completed three full years of college by
the time his sister is a freshman high
school. The girls are just too young to
be dating guys as old as him. She threw
herself on him. I think he should be the
responsible adult and say no. I don't
care if he hasn't gotten laid for a while.
You just don't take advantage of women
like that. So what she wants to be with
you. It's like the child that looks up to
and wants to be with some hot
actor/actress. You just have to be
responsible and say no.
My friend is still with her. I have told
him several time I don't agree with it. I
haven't said it in a mean way that would
make it me or her kind of situation. I
just let him know. It is my job as a
friend. I don't think he really thinks
about what I told him. He told me "it's
too late now. I love her" I don't think
it is too late to be responsible break it
off and love her as a person.
My opinion and strictly mine. Agree if
you will, disagree too. It doesn't
matter. To tell you the truth I am
curious to here the logic vs morals
argument. It can go on forever. To me
there are some things that logic can't
mend.
|
JessC
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Sep 2004 Posts: 3 Location: Illinois
Understandable Posted: 09-27-04 17:32pm
I understand completely what you are
saying and I would agreed with you up
until it happened to me..If one of my
friends would be doing that I would
consider it gross, but when it happened to
me nothing could stop it it seemed like..I
dont know its really weird. Ive never
felt the way I do about him for
anyone..Seriously though it just happened
and pretty soon just because he was older
I wasnt going to just back down...I
figured it this way..I might as well test
it out to see how it goes and if it doesnt
go well ive lived and learned but maybe
this is how its supposed to work..I guess
I just like to take the chances..Lol
|
drexl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Dec 2004 Posts: 37 Location: canada
Age Does It Matter Posted: 12-10-04 00:59am
No it does not matter, one thing i've
learned about people is that they do not
change significantly with age. You give
yourself too much credit. It's perfectly
natural, I was 27 and seeing a girl who
was 17 she treated me poorly in the
relationship and now 4 years later wants
to try it out again. Am I going to let
her back in my life because she was young
then and inexperienced? No &^$% way!
Get over yourself and all the lies you've
been spoonfed about sex.
|
Mist
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Sep 2003 Posts: 58
Posted: 12-10-04 04:30am
Thank you for your wonderfully rude reply.
Turns out I never confronted him about
it. Turns out it didn't work out for
them. Turns out he regrets it.
I have to say
patty, that is the stupidest thing to say.
I don't wanna judge, because i'm not
that kind of person, but I will say that
when someone has said that they value a
friendship that much, you don't tell them
to cast it aside. Bad advice.