My Marriage...

Have you tried conceling or other things to help your relationship so you can get over these feelings over another guy. I was the same with jose in the very very beggining because he was in another state and the other guy was down my street, I was all sprung on the other guy but the more I was with jose I fell in love because he loved me so much. And the first week after we were together, we were at a river and we were swimming and he was hugging me tight (because I had to leave in like 2 hours back home) and he was like "i wanna marry you, I think I love you" and I was like umm...Ok. I didnt know what to do it was so soon! But 4 months after he got my ring and proposed and I was so in love with him too, and the other guy was dust in the wind. Hes here with me and we go to counceling too and we read a book called 10 great dates, to help a marriage. We want it to work more than anything. And its going good. The only problem I have is hes so stingy with the playstation!!! He doesnt let my niece play! And he hates to take turns! Im ready to break the thing!

Hi jennifer,

i'm not sure on this one, I could never imagine being with anyone else other than my husband. I guess you need to really think about whether you really want to give up your family situation to be with a guy you feel you really want to be with. That's the tough part about situations like this, it's not just you who will suffer the consequences, the kids will probably suffer most, because no matter what, they are always going to love dad. Having 3 children I would be very hesitant to make to many changes at all to the family, especially if they are still youngsters.

Good luck,

.::suzy::.

Hi jennifer,

i am going to be giving you a long lecture, so please be patient with what I say. The final decision is yours.

If you really love your husband and want the marriage to work, I think you should do the following (not necessary that you have the same thoughts too):
- steel yourself and your heart, become strong
- do more activities with your hubby together
- maybe take a day off, leave your kids either in the daycare (if they are very small) or leave them with your parents or somebody and just the two of you do something that you guys like, your hobby (hiking, biking, swimming, playing tennis whatever....)
- take counselling for yourself more than for your husband
- take on the role of a counsellor for your hubby and kids
- sometimes when he behaves in a way that you don't want him to, discuss with him. If that's not a good time, see the right time and then discuss.
- always try to place yourself in his shoes and then accordingly react, makes a world of a difference
- be calm and control your anger. This doesn't mean that you are a saint or you become one. Control of anger and emotions is the biggest thing to have. More than anybody else it helps you the most because you get a great peace of mind.
=> I am not rattling on this above point. In the beginning, I was very high on my emotions. It was almost to the extreme ends of the pendulum let it be anger, emotional outburst, happiness, sorrow etc. And now I have controlled my emotions and this has helped me big time.

Keep one thing in mind, the grass on the other side is always green, just as you had mentioned. You know the ins and outs of your hubby now but not of your ex. If the other guy has become an ex, think about it, it has been for some particular reason that he became your ex and not for the heck of it. Also I have seen this very common, if there is a person who you like as a person, but cannot get the person for whatever reason, or even just being a good samaritan, they will always be good to you. But when it is someone who you love, like your hubby, your kids, your parents, brother/sister, you take their love for granted and vice versa too. So as a result when you say something, you just say it without thinking or you say it without having any qualms.

So keeping all this in mind, all I can say, is be calm with him, understand him, understand his moods and make him understand how you feel when he does certain things and when he doesn't do certain things. Believe me most of the men are like kids or even infants when it comes to emotions. And when you talk things out they would understand it. And if talking does not work, imitate their behaviour when you get a chance, they'll get pissed off at it big time and then you can slowly explain the situation.

I am able to rattle along so much, because I have faced similar problems with my hubby. But it was not about me having relationship or even thoughts of anybody. I love my hubby to the core. But there were our certain behavioural issues that we had. It is like north pole and south pole. Like for eg. An extrovert living with an introvert.

So I did all the things that I have mentioned above and believe it or not, (touch wood), my relationship and my marriage is way much better than it was earlier. Everyday the relationship only improves, we are getting to understand each other much better and I feel much more happier.

Ok, enough of my lecture.

This was just my 2 cents, take it for what it is worth.

All the best....

Dear jennifer,

aww girl, you are in such a mess, i'm sorry it has gotten to this point for you. You must be strong. Yes you may feel you need this other guy, but why do you need him ? Have you asked yourself that question and been truthful in answering ? For you to need this guy, there is something seriously lacking in your relationship with hubby, it is detramental to both of you that you make an effort to find each other again, learn to love each other totally, all over again. Your hubby may not display this to you, but if you are having such strong feelings for someone else, I guarentee you he can feel it, he would be completely aware that there is something not quite right, but he obviously loves you very much not to bring it all out into the open. You mentioned he has found out about ather guys you have dated ? Then he is a very strong, loving and dedicated man to not only stay with you and love you, but to be so dedicated to his family. He needs to be rewarded not punished, let me tell you jennifer, there are very few men in the world now days who are so dedicated to their wife and children, you should be treating him like a rare species not a common trout.

Take care,

.::suzy::.

Dear jennifer,

i am so sorry, you do sound very confused, but I am so glad to see that for the time being everything is fine and you are going to at least give things a go. I know how hard things can be when you are not happy in your relationship, it can be very disheartning. Good luck, keep in touch.

.::suzy::.

Ow wow. I do not know what to say, yet I feel compelled to respond! Have you talked with your husband, and I mean, really talked about what is going on? Do you know if your husband is happy in the relationship, or if he feels the same way you do? I know you want to do whats best for the children, but if the two of you decide to seperate, do it sooner rather tahn later. When the kids get older, it becomes more difficult on them, if it is done while the kids are young, it wont be good, but it may be easier, just so long as both parents are comitted to being parents. My neighbours have 2 children, aged 6 and 8. 2 years ago, they got a divorce, but both still live in the same house. The father lives in the basement, as though its an appartment (its finished), and the mom is upstairs with the kids. But, both parents are always there, and there is no custody issue, as both parents are trying to function as parents first. Their personal lives come second, and they work things around their kids. So, seperations are possible, but not always lucky enough to have a fairy-tale ending like my neighbours.

Good luck. but talk to your husband.

Hi jennifer, I have a best friend named jennifer I met my husband in 1979, we were married in 1984 after we had children. All marriages has ups & downs. I was 19 & he was 23, I loved this man so, so much. I didn't realize it then, but eventually it was a lot of things that made me suspicious. One day it came to light, there's this saying: what's done in the dark will eventually come to the light!! I always stress that to my kids then & now even though they are grown (3=1 boy 2girls). I really believe that. Anyway he was always complain about our relationship & I would start crying everytime, this particular time I made up in my mind that if he ever mentioned it again, i'm going to say okay let's go. We're still together, because I put my foot down. He loves me dearly and I wouldn't ever accept another over him. One thing I can say is that he has always been there for me. In 1998 before my brain surgery, he assured me that I would have the best surgeons in our town, and for me not to worry about any thing, because he said he was there for me in the past & he'll definitely be there for me in the future. I took years for me to trust him. I trust him fully & love him very much. I think that maybe I would've left if I didn't have any kids by him. I'm 43 & he's 47. Our kids is what kept us together because we didn't want them to separate from each other, because they were so close. For our kids sake we sacrificed a lot, but it was worth it, because all 3 are in college. 1 in florida=cns (dealing with computer); major & plans to get batchlor. 1 in atlanta=biology; major. They both had academic & basketball scholarships. 1 is here = business major. The decision we made because of them, was well worth it. I will have to say for your childrens sake do what is best for them. I you all argue a lot or fight, it's not going to benefit your children. Since 1998, mu husband & I get along great and we love each other deeply.

Wow! I know how you feel. Even though there is no legal paperwork, I treat and respect my boyfriend as if we are married. I love him so much. I never wanted to hurt him. We plan to marry after he graduates from college. However...
About 8 months ago, this young guy started where I work. Of course when he first walked in the door I was like..."ewww...Baby!" but I was happily involved in a relationship. My co workers thought we should be together. So they starting scheduling us together and putting unwanted pressure on me. He had a crush on me and after awhile I started developing some feelings for him. It became very difficult to stay happily in my relationship. I began to compare him to my boyfriend. As the saying goes..."the grass is always greener on the other side..." became true. He looked better than my boyfriend. He seemed perfect. Not until later did I start telling myself that I know my boyfriend inside and out. I dont' know this other guy. What problems does he have that I don't like or know about. (if he's an ex, why did you break up with him?)
my boyfriend stayed over one night and I couldn't sleep in the same bed with him. I sat in the other room crying my eyes out. I was so upset. It came to the point that I wanted to break up with him. I even started to doubt my love for him.
We somehow made it through. I sort of hinted around about that night, but things started to settle, so I didn't push the issue. Then one night, we went to a restaurant with a bar for wings and beer. I don't drink, but I went with some friends. I took my boyfriend home(we drove together) and I said I was going home, but decided to hang out alittle longer. They kept buying me drinks after drinks. Illegally intoxicated, I took one of the guys home. He wanted to stop at another guys house so I innocently agreed. I had more to drink, and then I remember laying naked on the bed with both of them around me. I don't remember how I got there. I have a few other unpleasant memories, but the majority I don't remember. I woke up the next morning beside a guy that I didn't know. First thing I did is went to the emergency room. The doctor said I wouldn't need the day after pill, because I was on my period. Emotionally I felt used and abused, which I was. Next thing I did was tell my boyfriend. To shorten the story, it took a lot of work. He told me he would call me when he thought about things after being severly hurt. He called me, told me he loved me very much and even though it would take awhile to get over the whole thing, having every intention to marry me some day, he was willing to make things work.
The reason I posted this was to say...Don't do what I did!! Lol but seriously things will work out. He forgave me even though I hurt him badly. Even though I had feelings for this guy at work, I started pulling away from my boyfriend, which made me vulnerable to other guys. Then I ended up screwing up (literally) unintentionally. (thank goodness I don't have any lasting effects..Stds, pregnancy)
I have stronger feelings now for him than I ever did. I cried for almost 3 days till he called me back. I love him dearly and would never desire anyone else. When I had the fear that we wouldn't be together any longer I realized how much I really loved and cared about it. Even his bad habits began looking attractive again. I remember I was soo excited when he called me and ask me to go out to dinner with him. It was the first time I smiled in those 3 days.
I am not saying that something bad should happen to you to make you sure of your feelings, but (not to sound crazy) I am almost glad I went through the situation. Yes we are still together, but I found out who and what I wanted in a hurry.
Sorry to be so long winded...Hope I didn't bore you, but I wanted to share my experience. Try to work things out, before something bad happens. When I really thought about things, most of it was my fault. I took my anger out on him, my sarcasm was hard to handle, I was too sensitive. It was things that I could work on. Again I apologize for writing so much. Hope things work out for you!!
Carvytaph

I hope all goes well with you. Everyone doesn't think like I do, so think long and hard before you make a decision. When I was younger I thought that I had a lot friends, but when you're down & out & need help, you will find out who your true friends are. When my kids were in middle school, I realized I did have at least 1 friend. When she moved I was heart broken. That left me with my children to talk to. I would always let them know how I was doing or how we wer doing (husband) at a very young age, they were really advanced when it came to somethings. At least my girls were. We still talk a lot & keep in touch with one another. What made me talk so much to them was my husband, the way he was carrying on. They are young adults now & they love us both, very, very much. I just hope u make the right choices, when it comes to your children. My father verbally & physically abused my mom. She's a great person, now my father needs her more than ever & he is still abusing her verbally. I feel sorry for her at times, but I keep my distance, because I don't want to disrespect either one, because I love them very much. My husband has never hit me. He's had a lot of heated arguments, with hisself, because I didn't like arguing. All I can say is for you to be there for your children, whether you & your husband are/or not together. No one person can tell you what to do, because they haven't stood in your shoes. See you later & good luck!

I hope all goes well with you. Everyone doesn't think like I do, so think long and hard before you make a decision. When I was younger I thought that I had a lot friends, but when you're down & out & need help, you will find out who your true friends are. When my kids were in middle school, I realized I did have at least 1 friend. When she moved I was heart broken. That left me with my children to talk to. I would always let them know how I was doing or how we wer doing (husband) at a very young age, they were really advanced when it came to somethings. At least my girls were. We still talk a lot & keep in touch with one another. What made me talk so much to them was my husband, the way he was carrying on. They are young adults now & they love us both, very, very much. I just hope u make the right choices, when it comes to your children. My father verbally & physically abused my mom. She's a great person, now my father needs her more than ever & he is still abusing her verbally. I feel sorry for her at times, but I keep my distance, because I don't want to disrespect either one, because I love them very much. My husband has never hit me. He's had a lot of heated arguments, with hisself, because I didn't like arguing. All I can say is for you to be there for your children, whether you & your husband are/or not together. No one person can tell you what to do, because they haven't stood in your shoes. See you later & good luck!

Hi, it's eloise again, I just wanted to tell you that my husband is 47 & he still acts like he did the day I met him. It's what attracted me to him. He still clowns around & all my children have most of his qualities. I've been with him 20+ yrs. Early in life he wasn't always a good husband, but he was always there for me when I needed him & when I didn't. One thing I can say is that he's the best father to our children, still. They are grown now and I think its really going to be hard on him, to even think of them having a life of their own. He'll be okay as long as i'm living. He's a practical joker, but one day he sneaked up on me & scared me terribly bad. My chest started hurting very bad, I had to go to the er. It was a lesson to him & he trys his best not to frighten me any more. He's always joking, but when it comes to me, he's more gentle, because he doesn't want to scare me. When he acts like that toward co-workers, dogs, children, strangers, I realize he's the same person he was the day that I met. He has not changed, but I have.

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