Bipolar Disorder Forum - Abusive Bipolar Boyfriend?


Abusive Bipolar Boyfriend?

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beachbum11

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Abusive Bipolar Boyfriend? Posted: 09-29-04 18:05pm


Help me someone! Heres the story...I meant my boyfriend in college and we started "going out" after 8 months of knowing each other. I always thought he had some kind of anger problem, but it never really affected me. He drank a lot, but it never really surprised me because he just blended in with every other college student who drinks every night and parties hard. After we had been going out for a month or so he confessed he was bipolar and took many different meds for it every day. He always said he never wanted it to ever be an excuse for anything he did. But now I think thats not the case.... We have been goin out for about a year now, and recently weve been fighting constantly...He gets mad at stupid little things thats normally people wouldnt get mad about, and instead of letting it go, each little fight leads to almost breakin up each time... During a fight, he gets more and more verbally abusive as it continues, and the fights get worse each time...He calls me names, says he doesnt love me, threatens leaving and never coming back, and even threatens physically hurting me and leaves me in tears begging for him to calm down. He gets a look of hatred in his eyes and looks like hes posessed. After each fight, he somehow snaps back to himself in a matter of seconds and says he loves me and pretends nothing happened. I have still never been scared that he would ever act on really hurting me...I thought that was one thing I knew would never happen.... Till a few days ago...He threatened to "break my wrist" if I kept screaming, and I did. He actually grabbed my wrist and twisted it and as I screaming to stop he looked right into my eyes and kept doing it. He let go and I ran into my house, and suddenly he came in crying, a completely different person, saying he barely remembered what had just happened..He begged me to understand that he didnt mean to do it and that couldnt control it and he would do anything it took to keep me,,,go on different meds, anything.....But I dont know what to do, I chose this guy to fall in love with, knowing about his disorder and knowing he had anger problems...But now im scared.Im scared everytime we fight taht next time it could be worse...He could punch me...Or worse..What do I do?? Im completely lost...Hes a loving, caring, wonderful guy otherwise...Cept dring the fights, I wish I knew how to prevent them,,,or what to do when he starts gettin mad for no reason..

JCSC2

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Joined: 21 Sep 2004
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Posted: 09-29-04 18:20pm


I think the best thing for you is to run away from this relationship before you get really hurt. . My girlfriend loves me very much and knows of my problems but I think she would leave me in a heartbeat if I hit her. Good luck.

Demore

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Joined: 30 Sep 2004
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Listen to Me Carefully Posted: 09-30-04 19:50pm


Ok I disagree, he's obviously very attached to you. You could run away and make things worse for him. He will become more in secure and could end up hurting somone else down the track alot more severely. It's about time you sat down with him and had a serious conversation about the problem. I assure you he doesn't mean to hurt you, and he doesn't hate you. I suggest you figure out what triggers his anger more specificly. Where his rejection complex comes from. Perhaps encourage him to see a doctor or neurologist. Make sure he actually does take meds first, he might be lying to you. Look into a new diet including not drinking or smoking so much and some excercize. For him to change he's going to have to change the way he lives. This isn't going to be easy for you but more importantly him. I know it's hard to be sympathetic to somone who theatens to hurt you. And people continually tell you that you shouldn't because he's only going to con you. But all that is going to achieve is making things worse for you, and most definately him. Make the effort to help him.

Demore

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Posted: 09-30-04 19:57pm


As for what to do in the mean time if he tries to hurt you or grab on to you, you have to figure out whats causing it. If he's continually suspicious and jelous, just saying "but I love you" won't work. He'll just get more irritated because he thinks your lying. Another thing is sometimes complexes like this are not faults with you but himself. I'll explain myself better. He might be mirroring his faults and calling them yours. It's incredibly common and is aq subconious effort to deny the fact he's in the wrong. In other words he might have cheated on you, and this is his brains way of dealing with his problem. I don't mean to stir up trouble in your relationship. Just keep in mind that it is a possibility. Nevertheless don't drop everything and loose contact. I assure you, you will make things worse.

sandyallen

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Posted: 10-02-04 02:22am


No one can tell you to leave him or stay with him, that is your choice! I have been in verbal and physical abusive relationships, men always try to turn it around making you feel that it is your fault, it is not! They also say that they will change, and sometimes they do, maybe for two weeks, max. I tried to stick it out hoping that things would change, but they didn't! It got to the point that I felt like I was going off the deep end! At that time, they did not have these places to go like they do now! I was taught that you make your bed, you lay in it, later I learned that when the sheets get dirty, you have to change them! You might check out the mental health department in your area they might be able to help you to understand and stay with him, or, they can help you to leave him, there are some good counselors in the system. I now have a wonderful husband that treats me the way I should be treated! Good luck! Sincerely, sandy

Demore

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Posted: 10-10-04 17:14pm


Ok sandy I understand the way you feel. But they do have more of an understanding these days. And people with bp don't have to die alone with no one to put up with it. They don't deserve it just like anyone else. There are organisations that can help sort things out without breaking couples apart. You can have a change for longer than two weeks. But this doesn't mean that it's easy. Beachbum, you have to be truely committed and if your not I guess you should make way for somone who is.

lou ketta

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Bi Polar Posted: 10-19-04 05:28am


Run and dont look back.Ive been there done that.

shanti1

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Joined: 20 Dec 2004
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In Response to Beach Bum, Boyfriend Troubles Posted: 12-20-04 11:36am


I saw your post, this is dec now, so I hope you resolved what you needed to... I am writing now, as your story is similar to mine. My boyfriend has bipolar disorder, I never honestly noticed anything, until some months ago, he argues about things that are not so important to me, and I find strange, as he will bring it up several times in a two month span. He has hurt my wrist just recently, he claimed it was because he had his hand between my thighs, closer to my bent knees, and I squeezed too hard on his hand, ( I don't remember doing this) but at the same token i did not deserve him to take both my hands /wrists and squeeze on them so tightly. His hands are bigger and stronger than my little kid size -hands. I never been with anyone prior that has ever physically or verbally hurt me. I never been with someone that I knew had bipolar i dont even know if this behavior is his persoanlity that I never seen before, or it is part of his mood disorder. I don't know i know I love him, and now ifeel like those womyn on those movies on lifetime. I really love this man, he is so smart, caring and funny, loving, treats me like a princess with what money he has, he does his best, when he is in a good mood, like the person I met, and started dating, that guy. When he argues with me over things. Like he thought I cheated on him when I smelled differently and he kept telling me to go to a Dr. I didn't think I smelled, and felt fine so I thought he was just on my case so weeks went by and well, he was right. But maybe I was healthy at first and because of the emotional rollarcoaster ride,my immune system , my body balance got thrown off and I had bacterail vaginosis. But now he is still giving me hell for not going to the dr right away and I admit that is gross, except I thought he was just talking crap... Because sometimes he does talk "nonsense" he just came to my house a half hour ago, raising his voice at me i have a headache my mom knocked on the side door, the walls, even on the outside of the house, are thin i knew she heard loud stressed voices , (i have such a headache now) how embarrassing! what to do? I love this guy, we have fun, synchronistical fun with things are going well. We have a great relationship that way except when he isn't in a good mood, and it is tough. I love him and.... Thanks for listening! Have a peaceful day.

shanti1

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In Response to Beach Bum, Boyfriend Troubles Posted: 12-20-04 11:41am


I saw your post, this is dec now, so I hope you resolved what you needed to... I am writing now, as your story is similar to mine. My boyfriend has bipolar disorder, I never honestly noticed anything, until some months ago, he argues about things that are not so important to me, and I find strange, as he will bring it up several times in a two month span. He has hurt my wrist just recently, he claimed it was because he had his hand between my thighs, closer to my bent knees, and I squeezed too hard on his hand, ( I don't remember doing this) but at the same token i did not deserve him to take both my hands /wrists and squeeze on them so tightly. His hands are bigger and stronger than my little kid size -hands. I never been with anyone prior that has ever physically or verbally hurt me. I never been with someone that I knew had bipolar i dont even know if this behavior is his persoanlity that I never seen before, or it is part of his mood disorder. I don't know i know I love him, and now ifeel like those womyn on those movies on lifetime. I really love this man, he is so smart, caring and funny, loving, treats me like a princess with what money he has, he does his best, when he is in a good mood, like the person I met, and started dating, that guy. When he argues with me over things. Like he thought I cheated on him when I smelled differently and he kept telling me to go to a Dr. I didn't think I smelled, and felt fine so I thought he was just on my case so weeks went by and well, he was right. But maybe I was healthy at first and because of the emotional rollarcoaster ride,my immune system , my body balance got thrown off and I had bacterail vaginosis. But now he is still giving me hell for not going to the dr right away and I admit that is gross, except I thought he was just talking crap... Because sometimes he does talk "nonsense" he just came to my house a half hour ago, raising his voice at me i have a headache my mom knocked on the side door, the walls, even on the outside of the house, are thin i knew she heard loud stressed voices , (i have such a headache now) how embarrassing! what to do? I love this guy, we have fun, synchronistical fun with things are going well. We have a great relationship that way except when he isn't in a good mood, and it is tough. I love him and.... Thanks for listening! Have a peaceful day.

DaveArizona

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I Was In Similar Situation- Abusive Girlfriend Posted: 12-29-04 22:02pm


Hi, I was in a similar situation, my girfriend would threaten me by bringing up ex's names, say she would spend more time with her friends if my work hours (which I have no control over) would be late and one day she even started slapping me. I kept thinking things would get better until the last week when she hung up on me 4 times, said I wasn't her best friend anymore and that her friends were more important. Those are things that should never happen in a loving relationship. I broke up with her, but not because I don't love her. It was because the abuse (mostly mental) was preventing me from focusing. Since then I had gotten calls and emails and poems of how she still loves me, but I could not handle the way she was treating me. I never returned the calls or emails because I was too hurt. Does that make me selfish or a bad person? Maybe, but thats a judgment I have to deal with. I stayed for over a month hoping things would get better, and when she asked for a second chance, I felt as though I was supportive and attentive and gave her many chances and I atteneded an appointment with her. The worst part of it is that she says I blamed her, but I never felt as though I did. I think she wanted me to accept treatment that was unacceptable, but it is hard to take abuse from someone you love. The worst part about it is that no one ever loved me the way she did. I feel as though the both of us will probably never fall in love that way again, but at the same time how strong is a relationship if one partner yells at the other, has no consideration for their obligations in life? Do I feel sad about leaving? Yes, and I also feel as though I did what needed to be done for my own sake also. I guess we all have to ask ourselves, how much can we tolerate? It is true what someone posted that no one deserves to be alone due to something that is not under their control, but at the same time people can't be hurt in relationships as a relationship is supposed to be about healing and not hurting.

beachbum11

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I Agree Posted: 12-30-04 00:28am


I honesly agree with everyone...You love someone so much but they keep hurting you...How much can you take? When is enough enough? I also feel that I will never find someone I can be in love with as much as him. But thinking of our relationship and how its played out over only a few years...Can I handle a marriage and children and a lifetime with him someday? I think the good so far still outweighs the bad, but when the bad starts taking over, should I just give up there or keep going hoping itll be better? Because each time I do that..A little piece of me gets lost forever, and I am broken down a little more. But I look at it like this. If you have a child who has a mental illness, would you give it up because it was too hard to handle and wore you down? I wouldnt. And just like you dont choose to love your child, you just do, thats how I feel about him. Its someone you love and cant help it. I didnt choose to fall in love with him, it happened because it was meant to. About the abuse. In my case I do not consider it abuse. I feel like abuse is something that happens constantly. Do I think an alcoholic who hits his wife when hes drunk is abusive, even though the alcoholism is a disease? Yes, I do. And it is similar, when my boyfriend is having a mood swing and gets mean, its usually during a fight and I throw myself in front of him to stop him from leaving, or to calm him down. There is no reason for him to ever put his hands on me, but when he does he doesnt know what he is doing. He has never gone out of his way to come and find me and hurt me, he has never hit me or kicked me, its usually just grabbing my wrist or arm to get me out of the way or something and soon realizes what he is doing and stops. After his episode, he calms down and feels so horrible for what he did or said. Here is where I feel like those naive women in the lifetime movies! I know he loves me and I know he wouldnt do it if he could help it but he cant, he has said "you knew what you were getting yourself into with me, I cant listen to you screaming and crying every day because of what I did in a bad episode, you know I cannot control it, I cant help it, and I feel even more helpless when im thinking straight and have a clear mind and you are complaining about all the things I did that I dont even remember doing or saying."...And than I feel stupid. Because hes right. Its out of his control and theres nothing I can do or say to make sure it doesnt happen again.

Roxy

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Posted: 12-30-04 01:31am


Hello all, I agree with davea.No one deserves to be alone.Also,everyone is different in many ways.Some people can stick it out,some people leave.You can be the only one who decides what is best for you.It's all in how we were raised.I was raised to believe that you stick it out,good or bad.I believe we all are given tests in life to see how much we can handle.With all sorts of disorders out there,we can all be a bit bi-polar,who knows? What sets a person off,who knows? I think these last two months were the worst months of my whole life and to make matters worse,the only person I thought would be by my side is my mate.Wrong! I've never felt this low about myself in all my life! I've never had anyone disregard my feelings like the one i'm with.But....I'm sticking it out,hoping he'd wake up and realize I need him by my side. So,davea....You are not selfish for wanting "a piece of mind" I would call it! No one deserves to be abused!!! The trouble in this world is simple: partners need to be honest,compassionate,considerate with one another,and most of all:communication within the relationship.Couples need to talk together without judgment.If you don't have those elements,why go on hurting each other? Just my input:) take care,have a good day.Smile:)

DaveArizona

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Posted: 12-30-04 18:17pm


I found your replies really helpful- beachbum your first paragraph summed up completely what I have been going through. If I were to marry this woman, I would have to support her without her being able to work with no help. Her parents would likely move away and I would have to struggle to work and support us both emotionally as well. Its a question of who is responsible also, perhaps my girlfriends parents thought I was going to take care of her. Other people tell me she is their responsibility, but they don't really understand this was the "one" for me. However, you do have concern about if the relationship is harmful to you and your life. This is a very serious decision, and people who have not been through this do not understand. They assume it is leaving someone that you do not love anymore when it is the opposite. The decision to leave someone you love is what makes it hard. Having to replace someone irreplaceable is the worst feeling in the world. There is no justification for being abused, especially by a loved one. If the difficulties can not be helped with mutual understanding and assistance from professionals, then the relationship is in a difficult state.

DaveArizona

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Follow Up Posted: 01-09-05 19:24pm


Hi, I just wanted to follow up and see how everyone was doing. My exgirlfriend came by to drop off possessions I had given her. Then she called and apologized for dropping the things off. I am confused, because even though she was not treating me nicely, I miss her but am concerned she would misstreat me more. Even though I have not spoken to her in over a month, I believe that she knows I still care about her.

beachbum11

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Broken Up Posted: 01-19-05 21:54pm


Hey everyone, im writing this within minutes of what I am about to talk about... I have had enough...I love this guy more than anything in the world, but I cannot deal with the emotional rollercoaster of relationship we had. We cant even have a few days of peace before a fight occured....Im so upset because we just hit the year and a half mark...No one thought we would make it this far and for the longest time I thought if we made it this far, something so terrible would have to happen to end it. I was wrong... My boyfriend started a new semester at school, and is busy partying and hanging out with his friends. He couldnt make 2 minutes available to call me, he couldnt ever free up his schedule to see me, always putting drinking and partying over me...And I felt hopeless. So I called him, in one last attempt to try to fix things and feel better,,,and I asked "should we be together?" but I got no reassurance, instead, I got anger and screaming and mean things sad to me because I was "overreacting and wasting his time" in those words he answered my question. I never used to think to write in these forums, in fact id probably make fun of one of my friends if they did it, but now I realize why... No one in my life can understand this situation, no one knows what im going through. My heart is broken and I dont know what to do. He is my best friend, and when im upset I used to call him and he'd make it all better, but now I cant do that, because hes the one whose making me feel this way. I hate this feeling in my stomach and I always said if I kiss him and I still felt the butterflies, it was all still worth it to try. And I still felt them... Ive never felt so sad in my life...Its this overwhelming sadness...Like itll never go away..

Macias

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My Boyfriend Posted: 01-25-05 17:05pm


Hello, my problem is my boyfriend's mood swings, he told me that he's a bipolar and has been in hospital twice, I asked a doctor if he has to take medications or not, he told me that he prefers not to take medications, because if he restarted to take them, he won't never stop them all his life long. So what do u think? Last time my boyfriend told me that I must leave him because he's so harmfull and he may hurt me, but I replied him saying no I won't leave you, I love you. His bipolar degree starts by mania, he got many thoughts and power, then he fell in depression (he doesn't want to talk to anyone, don't eat, don't work, he wants to be alone, don't want to listen to anyone. And hurt me by his words talking abo9ut his x. And much things, telling me that he doesn't love me and he doesn't remember that he told me that he loves me. We were planning to get married, I love him so much and I don't want to leave him. But i'm so sensible person that I could fall in depression fastly. So please i'm in need for your advices. Many thanks

beachbum11

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Medication Posted: 01-26-05 15:46pm


Im very surprised he isnt on meds? Most people do very well on them after they get used to them and get them adjusted to the perfect dose. Most people that I talk to who are bipolar say they dont think they'd ever go back to using no meds, and im also surprised his doc isnt pushing the idea. It really does help and control it a lot, but it is true, once you are on them, you really shouldnt go off them because you can crash and wont be used to the feelings you are getting that the meds used to block. He should get another dr's opinion. I think he would be more stable in his moods and therefore make things easier on both of you! P.S - my ex that I was talking about, now about a week later is saying "i love you, I miss you, I make a mistake, I need you back" this is how bad his moods change!

RAZOLA

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Bipolar Posted: 11-14-07 01:39am


There is no way you can determine the spin offs from a Bipolar boyfriend you may think you are stuck or feel obligated cause you have spent enough time with him to have this ultimate cure all for his self centered ways and abusive crazy ways.You do not but he does.... he has to take responsability for himself and grow up into his condition otherwise he may spend his whole life trying to figure out who his is hurting others that otherwise should be left alone .Go figure so many people with this condition suffer greatly and mirror themselves to the closest person they can find.Have you met his Mom or Dad do they know how much pain he is in and maybe there is a family full of them and do you want that for your future kids???I am just putting this out to you cause I know how hard it is to understand this condition I live with one and it is weird and I hate doing things that should be enjoyable with him cause it is to much a crisis to take out the garbage.Or it is an argument about the radio preacher or the zoologists or the painter down the road .You know what I mean ?It can be so nuts you must stand back and shut up do not scream for God's sake he will think you mean to kill him.These types of Bipolar are full of their control systems and are grieving because they feel down inside a terrible loss of themselves and a total re adjustment of the new them..it is very touchy ..you may be in a bit of a scuffle now but you may be in danger if he goes over the edge.Get a good kite to fly above him take care of yourself FIRST!!!!Do things you used to do for you that made you feel alive and accepted...I love you for hanging in it is rough and I love you for your stick to it ness but you will be no good to him or anyone if he gets to rough and you have to build your esteem up....Stop drinking with him it sets the brain waves off and they think they can fly or race a cop car you are to much in love with the part you thought was temporary fun... Think about your future honey and take what he says as a grain of dust just let it settle try not to fight him they do not know when to stop or shut up and they speed ,It can be weird but they will not stop till they get all that venemous caca out of their system I am sorry you are recieving it it is hard.Trust me I know ....there is a really good Bipolar connection line for chatting I will give you their thingie BipolarConnect.com it is excellent and the chat lines are so wonderful it will really help...by the way my name is Rae my name on that line is polarlight ...you will find me God Bless and keep safe

BoneyardDiva

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Re: Listen to Me Carefully
Posted: 11-14-07 12:13pm

Demore wrote:

Ok he's obviously very attached to you. You could run away and make things worse for him. He will become more in secure and could end up hurting someone else down the track alot more severely. Make the effort to help him.

Here's where I have to disagree, Demore. This individual is afraid for her safety. This is where she needs to LEAVE the relationship. She is not responsible for his actions & it's not up to her to worry about "making things worse" for him. First of all, he has hurt her intentionally. Second, nobody is responsible for anyone else's actions/words. We are only responsible for our own actions. If this guy can't control himself, that's HIS problem, not hers.

Please get out of this relationship! This guy needs to find his own way, not depend on someone else to help him. This is called "codependency" & it's something I know a thing or 2 about b/c I'm a recovering codependent. Care enough about yourself to leave now that things have become violent. You are better than this, you are worth more. Don't talk anymore, take action & get yourself to safety. Your family & friends will be the ones with whom you can talk. Also, feel free to PM me if you need to chat. My husband is bipolar & while not violent, I can relate to your situation on that level.

Hope this helps.

BYD

goldeeelocs

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Bonyard Diva Reply Posted: 11-15-07 22:37pm


Wow, that was by far the best advice...