I Know I Shouldn't Be Doing It...

Don't be ashamed! Get help(all caps)! Get some professional help, there is nothing to be ashamed of, we all need a little help some time! People love you, don't hurt them! The more you do this, the more you are doing harm to your esophagus, stomach, bones, and your whole body, not to mention what you are doing to the people that really love you!
Their are a lot of people out there that will help you, just ask! Please! Please keep in touch!
Sincerely,
sandy

Hi there,
its werid, I mean I read what u wrote... And most of what u wrote.. Thats excatly how I feel.... Its hard... And very different.. I never dreamed of me... Making myself sick... Everyone I no... Thinks i;m such a happy person that I have a perfect life and dont get me wrong I have my life better then alot of other ppl... And sometimes I think like I dont deserve it ... But hun I want u 2 no that ... Life is hard... Life throws many challenges and throws many curves but us women... Well we're all stronge... We all go through stages in our lives that no other person can ever think or dream of... But u gotta look deep inside of u... And believe that as a human u can get through anything.. If either its by urself... Or if ur doin it with ppl... Ur a special person... Ever person is special I nthere own ways... Ur unique and different and u shouldnt just tell urself different... Every person was put on this earth 2 do something incrediable... And 2 do something that;ll make this world a better place... U have 2 live long enough 2 find out y u were sent here... Please dont give up.. Please dont think that ur worth nothing because ur worth all the stars in the sky.. U have 2 just keep believing in urself and learn that ur beautiful.. No matter what u look like... I shouldnt be sayign that becasue I mean... I do make my sick 2 ... But we have 2 look past it... We have 2 learn that we could use time for friends, family, god , or any other hobbies or intrests... Look deep within urself and see what the real u wants.. Here for u !

Its nice to hear from you, and to say all that stuff, but it one thing to say it but a whole other thing to think your worth something... I probobly don't make sence, I mean I ratherly ever do but I hope we keep in touch becuz it would be nice to talk to someone that feels the way I do. I mean i'm trying not to make myself sick and all that, cuz trust me I hate doing it and I hate how it feels, but I just can't bring myself to stop.I hope you are working on it too, I know its hard but it something we both have to work at... Hope to hear from you

Hey hun
we will definetly keep in touch ok? I might not ever understand how you feel, how you think, or what you want in life... And you might not no the same as me... We all think differently.. But just remmeber people do care... Well sorry for making this short but I got alot to do... Well write back...Byee

Ahhhh!!!!.... I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself. I just keep doing it... I swear!!!! I hate this feeling, I just want someone I am close to, to know what the heck i'm doing to myself. I just throw up now and I hate the feeling, I know it bad for me and I know its slowing killing me, physically and emotionaly. I hate keeping this sceret, I hate the pian and I hate lieing to my family and to myself. I wish I could just make this go away. Just far far away. Cuz I don't want to do this anymore, but I can't stop doing it, I don't have the strength to tell anyone either. i'm so lost, confused and empty right now I want help but I don't....I want someone to find out about me but I don't..... I don't know anymore.... I don't know anything anymore....All I know is that I hate myself right now and that I should just disappear... Cuz it would just be better for everyone if I did...I mess up too much and I ruin everyones life...........

dont talk like that..... I think you should jsut tell someone.. I no you dont know.. And your confused... But just tell someone even if you wont be happy too.... Tell someone you trust... And let them help you... You need help... You have 2 reach inside and see how strong you are... This is when your true colours shine... Strength is what you need now.. Not physical strength( u could use that somehow to.. 2 help you get better ) but mental strength.... If you tell yourself.. Yes I can do it... I can.. Not no you wont... And you hate yourself for it... Things happen for werid reasons.. Dont blame yourself for it... You just need 2 fix it... You cant give up... And how are you ruining peoples lives?... Sweetie thats never true.. No matter how much you something was your fault... Its never about you ruinning peoples lives... Please just go past that gut feeling saying dont tell anyone.. And I no its hard... But get that strength... I told my two best friends and they are helping me totallyyy.... They listened 2 me... And they didnt judge me for it... Please talk 2 someone... It helps .. It does... pleasee jsut get over that gut feeling of not telling anyone .... A minute is never too soon.... You can do it ... I believe in you...
God bless!!
Keep my updatedd

Ya I really wish I could tell someone.. I mean I could but I can't bring myself to do it. I just don't know anything anymore. And then like 2 days a ago my parents told me they might get a divorce too. I'm just filled with so many emoctions right now.. I feel empty... Its soo weird. I just wish I can help myself thourgh this, cuz I don't want anyone to know how i'm that much more of a screw up....Cuz i've done some stupid stuff... And I don't want anyone else to think less of me anymore. I just wish I never started, but then again I don't....It keeps me thin and i'm not all that thin anyways... (kinda wish I was thiner) but anyways i'm going to keep at it and hopefully i'll be able to battle this addiction of throwing up..... But I just wish it was a lot easier too. Cuz I know that this is running me down... I'm not doing to well in sports now and I can't concentrate on anything therefore my grades are going down the tube.... But oo well I guess i'll just have to live with it... and thanks for all your support....I'm going to need it if I want to battle this alone.......And best of luck with you too for deal with this

can u jsut try and bring yourself 2 go and tell someone.... I mean I no u probably have tried thousands of times... Just get it over with.... Tell someone... Anyone... Pleasee I dont want u 2 keep doin this... I dont want 2 keep doin this ... But your right... It works.... But do u think its worth it .... I have all these things in my head.... Telling u 2 get help and stop is coming from my heart.... But why am I making myself sick?? What I say I mean... But I just dont no y I cant listen 2 myself..... Hun just do this..... It'll be the best thing you;ll ever do... Dont think about anyone but yourself... You might have messed up in the past.. You might have mad mistakes.... But who doesnt?.... the only mistake that you could avoid is not telling anyone whats going on... You could se riously hurt yourself or even ... Kill yourself.... you dont want that!!!! I dont want that!!! And your family, your friends dont want that.. No matter how much you feel like you let them down... They love you.. And will always love you.... Let them help you... Let them give you the strength 2 beat this thing... Keep in touchhh!!! God bless

Ya I know I should tell someone and yes I have tried soo many times to tell someone what I do. Just everytime I want to say it , I get scared or some other more important topic comes up. I really do want to say something, inside of me is sreaming on the top of my lungs saying what I do and how I feel but on the outside i'm quite and don't like to express my feelings that much. I know I should , but I just can't bring myself to do it. I know what what i'm doing is wrong and bad for me and I know I should stop because I can hurt myself but knowing and doing are totally different things...I can tell someone that I stopped doing it, like I did a year ago with my parents but did i, no. did I want too yes and no. Its a confussing thing really to explain. But I understand what you mean about not being able to listen to yourself about that advice you give others. I really hope with alll my heart that you battle this now and get this sickness out of your life, because the long you do it the harder it is going to be to stopp. I started like you, throwing up several times a week but then as the months went past I started doing it more and more. Now I do it every chance I get, so please I want you to stop now before it gets out of control. Trust me it stinks, your throat starts hurting all the time and you get bad stomach aches and sooo much more bad stuff. See even knowing all that I can bring myself to get help or stop on my own,(i'm trying tho) so I encourage you to get help and stop now before its out of hand. Cuz honestly I didn't that would even would be doing this for a year... I never thought that I would have an eating disorder. I even wonder what I was thinking a year ago when I did it the first time... Its soo weird and confussing. I hope that you have the strength to stop and get help, the strength that I don't have... hear from you soon, best of luck

Hey hunn
sry I havent written in awhile... i've been praying for you to get better... For you to gain that courage to speak up... This is a choice that only you can make.. And in o you say u want 2 and u jsut cant brign yourself 2 do it... But you have to think... What is going 2 happen in the future... What its gonna do when ur really really sick and your family wants 2 help you.. But cant... That no matter what happens they wish they could of helped you.... When u tell someone.. Of course there gonan be upset... Maybe even get a bit mad... But its jsut becuase they r so scarred and worried and just as confused as u ... Ur confused becuase u dont no y u do this.. Which I think most of us feel... But theyre confused because they dotn no y ur hurting urself... If its becasue of them... Or not.... I dont no what kind of situation u live at home... And about your past and what kinds of ppl ur parents and friends r... But u have 2 speak up... U have 2 get over ur fear before u lose everything and everyone importnat in ur life.. You can beat this... You can do it with someone or by urself... But it would help you so much more with someone with u ... I no u can do it !!! I believe in you... And you will always have the chance to do good for yourself... So say somethign before its 2 late.... Its only 3 words... I need help!! Ssweetie u can do it.. I no you can .... Believe in yoursel the way I believe in you...
Keep my updateddd!!!!

Thanks for all your support and prayers, I really appreciate it. I have not unfortunately gained the courage to speak up and I think it will be a long time till I do, or until they find out again what i've been doing. I really am trying to hard to gain courage to tell them or someone though. Also because i've been feeling werid lately....Like I want to go to the doctors but i'm not going to cuz then they might figure me out. Like my stomach sometimes really hurts, like I get sharp pains and it hurts....Mostly when I drink like coffee and stuff like that, and then my thoarts been hurting lately, and more when I throw up, thats why I kinda what to stop but I still endure the pain. and I eat when i'm not even hungry too, and not just a little but a lot(or I guess you can call it bingeing) and I do it mostly when no one is home so they don't see how much I eat. Its like i'm obsessed with eating and food.. And lately i've been having a hard time throwing up everything, And now i'm gaining weight again. I don't know why all thing is happening. And I hate myself for doing what I do... I shouldn't be doing this!!!! And now that i'm gaining weight again I think i'm going to have to stop eating for awhile....I mean like today I didn't eat anything but some orange juice, water and some yogurt....I just am sooo stupid...Honestly I shouldn't been doing this, I should be happy with what I look like but i'm not. I hate it when people tell me i'm pretty and have a nice smile and that I look good, cuz then I think they are lieing too me , cuz I myself don't believe it, I think of myself are fat gross and ugly....And thats what I think other see me as. I know I need some major help but I know i'm not going to get it, cuz i'm not strong enough to ask for it......

Heyyy hun
omgg donttttt starve urseeelllfffff..... Pleassseeeee u'll beeee okkkkayyyy .... K u wanna no what i;ve been up 2 ... I used 2 think sooo much about making myself sick... And how fat or how ugly I was... But now.. For the past like 2 weeks i;ve only been sick like twice!!!! u wann no y .... Because i;ve been stressing about skool.... I;ve been so busy about skool.. I dont have time 2 think about it... Maybeee if u were 2 find something or do something 2 take most of ur time up... Then u wont think so much about what u do now.... Because u;ll be so busy u wont have time.... give it a try??? .... I think anything could be a start for yu... Think about that... I really hope u try it .. It works.... I mean I still think about what I eat and stuff but not enough to actually go and be sick.. U no??
Well sry hun I gotta go... Got lotsss of homework and i;m gonna go sleep now... Well I really hope u;ll try it out... Try it for like a week.. Start a sport... Hmwk.. Somethng u can do ittt!!!!
Keep in touchh

Well I am glad to hear you are keeping busy and doing better in dealing with your problem keep it up and I know you can can it. I've been ok....Haven't eaten in the last 3 days and i'm pretty good, i'm a little tried and pooped but i'm manageing, the good new I haven't thrown up in 3 days either. But I know not eatting is just as bad... But I hate eating and putting something in my mouth becuase then I put one thing in and it taste good so I eat and eat and eat and then I throw it up later cuz I hate that I ate so much...But your advice about keeping busy... I am busy and I have a lot to do every single day but, the thing is I make time to eat and then throw it up later, no matter how busy I am I make time....Or if I don't have time I just don't eat....Its a battle I seem to be loseing at right now...I'm really trying to battle this tho.. Not doing to good now but i'm getting better, well I guess loseing weight isn't getting better, huh?.. I lost weight the several days and i'm 94 now and I was about in the low 100s before, well like a week in a half ago I was and so I lost a good 6 pounds... I really should stop but its ssooo hard to now......I'm doing my best and thanks for your support.... I'll try to eat health and not throw up but its a challege for me and I only hope you only get better and not wrost, keep up the good work and still talk to people about it....

y r u straving yourself?? Y is this disorder hauting u .... Dont let it beat u .. Show that ur going 2 start winning the battles from now on.... U can start any day.. Dont ever think its 2 late.. I really wish u could understand how much I want u 2 get better... I mean... Ur suffering.. And obviously hurting... U have 2 stich up old wombs and move on ... U have 2 make things right in ur life instead of wrong.. U need 2 get help.. And I no I keep saying it and u keep saying u cant.. But u can .. U can do whatever u set ur mind 2 do.. So pleaseee ... Find ur strength and learn 2 use it 2 save you.... do ur best please... Or at least.. Eat like a tiny bit a day.. Like an apple in the morning... Cookie or soemthing like that for lunch and for dinner... Someting small as well.. And tryyy noottt 2 throw it up!! I no it isnt easy and I no what u mean cause I jsut.. Cant stopp either... But try.. I;m tryign 2 ... But lately I havent gotten into great grooves... I;m starting 2 get used 2 the fact that I make my self sick and how much I do... So i;m getting a bit freaked now... Cause i;ve done it a few times so far... But it feels like I didnt even do it... I think my mom nows somethings up and my aunt.. She says I look alot skinner.... And my mom keeps telling me 2 eat.. Its starting 2 bug me sooo much.. but I dont no ... I got really upset 1 day I think like thrusday.. Because of like jsut a fight and jsut had an overall bad day.. And ij sut got so mad... I jsut went and made myself sick.... I thought maybe it would make me forget about it .. And it took all my anger out... Do u think thats normal Well write me back and keep me posted on how u r doinnn!!!

Woah.. Everything u wrote is exactly how I feel. Thats crazy.. I joined this thing so that I can just write out exactly how I feel.. Because no one really knows whats going on with me. I hope we can keep in touch, because it would be nice to talk to someone who feels like me

Well the good news is that I started eatting again, but the bad is that I also started throwing up again.... I can't help it!!!! I know that i'm out of control and that I need help and there has been so many oppertunities for me to say something to someone. For instance, I went to two different doctors this week and both asked if I eat proper and or throw up my food, I just simpily said "no" but inside I was panicing and screaming to tell them the truth. I just couldn't do it, I don't want people to think less of me and I know or sure if I tell and they find out everything I do, they would never trust me again and they would be sooo disappointed in me. I don't want them to think that now, I don't want to put my parents through anything else right now, with my brother gone at college this year and the finacial problems they are having now and now the fact that they might be getting a divorce...They don't need anymore problems in there life. Also I don;t want to say anything becuase people tell me how proud of me they are and I make the right decisions and not to mention living up to my bothers standards....For crying out loud he goes to doing it standford university, how the hell am I suppose to live up to that, but they think I should be and if I tell them about me... I don't know what they would think. also some of my friends have been asking how i'm losing weight cuz they want too, and i've been telling them eating health and running a lot(well I do cc> so I do run a lot) but the fact is I can't bring myself to say the truth about how i'm losing the weight. I'm trying sooo hard tho, I really am its just not working. I really want to stop too, I hate the feeling of thorwing up I really do, and I do it like 2-3 times a day, somethings 1 time a day but i', still doing it every day unless I don't eat at alll. I hope your now doing it that much!!! Are you? I just hope you get better!!! Cuz its not a good sign at all that you are getting use to doing it and ya that would freak anyone out and ya the more you do it the hard it is going to be to hide it, so maybe now that you are doing it more your mom is getting worried maybe about your weight, do you know how much you've lost? And you are probobaly getting irritable cuz you don't want people to know about what you do and you are getting defencive and another reason is because you probably don't have a balance diet anymore therefore throwing your body off. Thats my best guess cuz I feel like that too, I just get angry when my parents talk to me about something ,,, its kinda wierd cuz I kinda don't even mean to get mad at them. And no none of this is normal...... Hope to hear from you real soon......
And obsession08 I hope to keep in touch too, cuz thats why I joined this forum too. I find it helps a little to talk about it with someone that isgoing through the same thing I am and knows and understands how i'm feeling so I hope i'll be hearing from you too

Hey chilipekine... Well i;m glad 2 hear ur eatting again... But not the fact that ur not keeping it down I wish u could be doin better... I wish u could see that ur in a position that could really hurt you... Hun about the whole thing about standing to the standards of ur parents... You are your own person... U have different thoughts, different worries, different feelings and so many more aspects of your personality that can not be compared with towards another person.. So what ur brother goes to some brainer university... How much of life does he live? You live ur own life... For ur parents... They want u to be like him... I say screw them... Your an amazing person no matter what school you get in.. No matter how high of grades u might get.... Your still a person of god... Your parents just want you to have a good life... They want the best for you.. Thats y they may compare you to your brother... Becuase they want you 2 go far in life so you;ll never have to go through any kind of pain... But the problem with that... Is you are... Your going through alot of pain... Not pain that can be explained or put into words... But a pain that hurts the person you are and the person you wil lbecome if they only knew.. And had the chance to help you... They may be disappointed... But think of it as what if they will never have another chance to help you again?? Sweetie please keep thinking about telling someone... you can get better... You can... you have 2 believe.... As for me... Well I really dont no where i;m at... I used to no what I wanted.. But now ... I jsut throw up when I can.. Or when I feel like it.. Its werid now... I dont find it a big thing at all... Like it feels just like going 2 bed at night.. Kind of a routine or soemthing normal... But then .. I no it isnt.... And I no its gonna hurt me ... And i;m scared.. I;m confused.. I;m lost.. But hten happy.. I jsut really dont no what 2 think... I dotn want 2 get any worse... I really dont... But I dont want to get any help... I dont no what 2 do I really dont... This feels so normall... Thats what worries me and whats worrying my friends... I told them about this site.. And about you... And I told them that I love talking 2 u... That I love to jsut talk about it and help you :d but I told them I was getting better .. But I really.. Dont think I am .. I think its jsut becuase i;ve been so busy... I jsut.. I dont no.. I dont want this 2 be a addiction that I do all the time... I;m scared what should I do!! Hope 2 hear from u real soon

dear obsession08... Hey hun... Well we r here 2 help talking to chilipekine has helped me and guided me through this... So maybe we both can help you do the same... So tell us whats going on with u.... Give us the downlow and lets all go through this together... What do you guys think? :d writtee back soon

Ok heres the thing....I've been seeing a tharapist for about 2 months now, cuz my mom wanted to make sure I didn't get depressed or anything about my brother being gone to college, since we are very close and everything and I agreed to go on those terms, but as the 2 months past and till now my tharapist got worried and started asking about how I was eating and feeling and all the crap, and I was always reluctant to answer them, it was like are you eating what are you eatting and stuff like that. Well my thar. Finally confronted my parents about it and talked about it and ya now my parents know. Omg I was soo mad too, I told my thar. Not to tell them anything and not to make them worry but no she said that she was inclined to tell them. And now I can see my parents disappointment and angry on their faces and it pains me. But I guess I also see their worry and pain aswell, so ya I guess I told them, well not me cuz I didn't , but my thar. And now its out. My sercret that I kept hidden for so long is out I kinda what it the way it was and not have anyone know, but my thar. Started to figure something was wrong and other docs. Started seeing something was wrong, and frequantly asking me if I throw up my food or I just didn't eat at all... But I would always quickly answer "no of corse not" and they would look at me funny and move on but now it is out. Even though they don't know most of my sercrets and how I trick them into thinking I ate. I still am having the problem still as I type, cuz like my thar. Said they can't make someone eat or they can't make someone keep food inside of them. However they can support you. And that is kinda what my parents are doing they are encourageing me to eat and that I won't gain weight which I know is a lie but w/e. Ooo ya and they are watching me like a hawk....I kinda hate that however I know that is in good intention too. I am going to get better, I don't know when and I don't know how.... But I am going to beat this. I'm just kinda scared cuz I kinda like what i'm doing now, its like my rountine or something and to give that up is going to be hard but I know I have to try. It isn't all that bad though, so I think you should try to get some help yourself too, well I wasn't the one that told anyone, my thar. Did that but it was becuase I was looking like crap no matter how rested I was or what I was wearing, I just always seemed to be in the dumps and rundown...So I don't want you to look rundown alll the time. I don't want you to get to that point. Please get help it isn't all that bad....I know its going to be hard but I will try....Even though kinda still deep inside of me I don't want to stop anymore. I really care about you and I really hope you get better soon, cuz it is only going to get harder as the weeks go by.I know you can do it I know you can :d and I understand that it is going to be hard cuz its hard for me....But you just have to think about how you are saving yourself in a way from decontruction....Please get help, it will be worth it, I can't see it now but I know later on it will be worth it...I care about you and I know you are scared and confused but thats why we are here... To talk about it and I hope you get better, I hope I get better too... God bless and I hope you hear from you soon

Hey girl- where (in general) are you from in mi? I grew up in mi- detroit area.