Bipolar Disorder Forum - Another New Guy With Questions

Yeah, hi everyone. My name is dave ward, i'm 17 years old, and from england.

Like another topic I read on here, I don't know whether I have bipolar (or something else), or if i'm creating problems for attention. My favourite singer has bipolar, and sometimes I wonder if i'm just trying to copying him. Another reason I wonder is that originally an old friend of mine said they had chronic depression, which I then took to labelling myself with because of my depressions, but when I found out what manic depression meant I took that instead. Was I just trying to geet attention, giving myself labels based on how bad the illness that goes with them is - or was I just recognising stuff in myself and wishing to understand myself?

There are times that make me think I have it. It's so hard to describe, really. There are times in the past where i've simply acted really wild suddenly, and over the top. I remember a couple of years ago being at a friends house, and suddenly being really hyper. I'm not someone who is hyper and loud, normally. My friend just thought it was me having fun, I guess, because he was messing around as well, but then after a while he asked me to stop it and this look come over his face as if to say "what are you doing?" I also once had a heated argument with my elder sister, based on nothing as far as I can remember, that got so petty that we conversed through screennames on msn messenger and then we didn't speak for a while. I apologised in the end, but as far as I remember the whole thing was my fault.

Then a while after that I had a stressful time in the early months of last year. I actually had what I think was a breakdown. Just one day I locked myself in my room and was hurling abuse at my parents and crying. I really felt depressed, and would start crying all the time while mumbling to myself that song that goes

"blue birds, singing a song; nothing but blue birds, all day long. Blue skies, smiling at me; nothing but blue skies, do I see"

and so on. My mum didn't talk to me for a couple of weeks, while my dad would have a go at me and tell me to apologise to her all the time. I turned away food a few times, and told my dad that i'd thought of trying to kill myself.

After a while that all settled down, and my mum and I gradually started talking again, with no apology given either way. But then, while I actually felt sort of depressed still, I started behaving very...Forward? I was going around the forum I was a member (and former staff) at and being really confrontational. Starting self righteous arguments against the staff about the rights of members, and really wiping the floor with them. I'd feel an adrenaline rush everytime, and I used to start arguments with friends and almost get off on insulting them. After a while i'd always suddenly go back and apologise to them though.

A few people said i'd changed, and when I asked people if I had and they agreed, I generally thought it their problem. "well, i'm not going back to how I was, k? I've just moved on." a few people expressed concern and aske dme to slow down, but i'd just be rude to them.

That period lasted about 6 months I think before I got back to normal.
I've been depressed a few times since, and went to see a college teacher about it who sent me to the college pyschiatrist. I went, we had an hours session where she mainly asked about my family, and though we arranged regularly meetings I wrote her a letter to say i'd actually rather not do them.

I've also had periods which I assume could be called parts of manic times since then. In may this year, I got really really angry over a line change my theatre studies teacher made when we were rehearsing a play. I felt it was stupid and made no sense, but I was really shouting about it, which I don't do. I even kicked a metal box that was in the room, and when my teacher tried to patch things up I said something about not caring how he feels before, rather oddly, leaving while waving my arms above my head. As well as that, I got just as worked up when my parents were away and phoned me - they were somewhere I had been, but they mentioned something I didn't remember. When the conversation finished, I got more and more worked up, saying to myself how what they said isn't there. In the end I slammed a door into the wall and there's now a dent there.

Maybe it's also worth mentioning that my family does seem to suffer depression. My brother gets it a lot, as thus my sister. My mum does too, and she had a breakdown once years ago where she totally forgot about 10 years of her life. She thought my eldest siblings where 4 and 5, rather than 14 and 15, for example.

Anyway...I've rambled, but thanks for reading. I've tried to give as many instances as I can remember. Thanks again.

Love, life and peace,
- dave ward