I have never been so depressed in my life.
I'm not going to get into the details,
just because there are way too many to
even being to explain. There's just been
so many things going on in my personal
life lately that have totally destroyed me
emotionally and to top it off i'm
alone....Soo soo alone....Once again.
I've never felt so lost and confused in my
entire life. The worst part is, I have
no one...No one at all. I can't talk to
my parents, I never have been able to and
I have no friends (literally). It hurts
so bad. I'm so upset i've gotten sick
and thrown up and my chest literally
aches. I don't know what to do. I
drove to the river earlier tonight and
just sat there and cried. Whenever I
look at ethan, I start crying because I
feel like i'm not good enough for him and
that I can't give him what he deserves.
Honestly, I believe that i'm not good
enough for anyone. If I hadn't of had
ethan, I seriously wouldn't still be here
tonight. I'm not kidding around, I feel
so worthless and so pathetic. I have
absolutely nothing going for me. I am
sh*t and everyone else seems to agree. I
can't keep going like this, something has
to happen. I don't understand why these
things always happen to me. What did I
deserve to have this sh*tty life? It
isn't fair. I thought I was a good
person, I guess I couldn't have been more
wrong. The worst part of this whole
thing is that I was in love....Real
love...More love than I had been
in...E.V.E.R. That isn't the reason for
this vent tho, that's just what set it
off. Things can only get worse for
me...They never get better. I always get
fooled. I get my hopes up and then they
get smashed.
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IDABABY
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2004 Posts: 2236 Location: ***Wisconsin Baby***
Posted: 10-26-04 23:51pm
*hugs* im sorry that life is so hard for
you right now. It will get better though
it really will. I dont know what is going
on in your life, but I have felt that kind
of pain before. I am sure you are a
wonderful mother and if I can do anything
to help you just let me know, really!
-kristin
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jessamyn
Moderator
Joined: 18 Aug 2004 Posts: 4101 Location: San Diego, CA
Thanks: 11
Thanked:3
Posted: 10-26-04 23:55pm
The other day I was just sitting home
alone in bed watching music videos on cmt
and like I just started bauling.. I'm
inyour boat hun... I can be such a happy
person yet still hurting deep inside...
Everything is different and everything is
so hard.. I'm not going to say sorry
because I doubt thats what u want to
hear.. Life is hard... Life hurts... It
thorws u curves but you learn to love...
If you ever wanna chat hit me up
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BbyBlu0602
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 822 Location: Virginia
Posted: 10-26-04 23:57pm
Thank you girls. I wish I could get a
life started, but it's so impossible.
|
leni
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Jan 2004 Posts: 158 Location: Australia
Posted: 10-27-04 01:10am
I don't know what to say crystal that u
need or want to hear.. But I am so, so
sorry that you feel so bad. Many yrs ago
I was in a huge black hole too so I know
at least a tiny part of how you feel and
it's terrible. I'm so sorry that you're
hurting. I'm also glad tho that you have
your beautiful little boy and that you're
still trying to be a great mum to him.
Even tho it doesnt seem like it at a time
like this, there is always something in
the near future that comes along and lifts
your spirits and things dont feel quite so
bad, even if it's only for a very short
time.
Stick in there crystal... You'll get
there.
Loren.
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Dancinchick0587
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Oct 2004 Posts: 211 Location: Blaine, Mn
Posted: 10-27-04 01:51am
Oh hun! I wish I could give you a big
huge! I know what it feels like, to feel
like you have nothing. When I was with my
ex boyfriend paul. I was soooooooooooo in
love. It was the type of love people
looked at us and would just get jealous.
I mean we didnt care what people would
think about us. We went 2 the fair and we
danced around and would do the little
stupid stuff. My parents hated him and
hated me for being with him. They kicked
me out of my house. I had no where 2 go
to except 2 pauls house. I lived there
for about 2-3 weeks. My mom went 2 the
hospital (shes sick so shes always in and
out of the hospital) well she wanted me 2
go 2 the mayo clinic with her and my
brother. Well of course I went. I was
gone for about 3 days when I got back. I
found out I was pregnant, found out my mom
doesnt have a long time 2 live, and paul
broke up with me. This all happened
within 12 hours! Before me and paul were
together, I tryed 2 commit sucuide.
(overdosed on vicdon, would take about 15
at a time and try 2 go to sleep) matt got
me out of that. But anyways. Paul broke
up with me because he thought it would be
better with my parents. We could have
time apart and get stronger then when we
got back together, be stronger for
eachother. The time apart killed us but
we probley would have made it but then I
had a miscarriage. I wanted my baby so
much. Yes it was unplanned but that didnt
mean I loved my child anyless ( I had a
miscarriage at 7 weeks). After that me
and paul were done. We blamed each other
and whenever we hung out we would start
thinking about everything and both of us
would just cry. A little while after I
started dating matt. He has been my best
friend for years. And last saturday he
asked me 2 marry him. Were moving 2
chicago this spring 2 start college.
Hunny theres always always hope. And ive
been at a all time low. I know what it
feels like when you feel like you have no
one. Or even sometime when you really do
have no one.
But the truth is no matter what, you will
always have god and hes will always be
with you. You are not alone. You have 2
people you have your son, that needs you
only you. And you have god. (dont forget
everyone on here 2 and even though it
doesnt seem like its gonna get better, it
will. You have been blessed with your
son. Thing will turn around I promise.
|
bellax0x
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Jun 2004 Posts: 3572 Location: Jersey Baby!
Posted: 10-27-04 06:15am
**hugs** girl im so sorry that things dont
seem to be working out. Youre an awesome
mommy and an amazing person! Dont ever
think or let other ppl think otherwise!
We love you =)
Crystal,
hun. I dunno what to tell you. I love
you and I hope things look up for you!
You aren't caca and you do deserve
better.
Love,
chanda
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babyrae
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Jan 2004 Posts: 2957 Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posted: 10-27-04 08:18am
Awww hun i'm so sorry things looks like
sh*t right now. What happened to..
(kenny is it??) did u two break up?
Do you attend school? If so, why don't
you go to another school and try making
new friends.. Kinda get a new start. I
wish we were all there to hlp u out...
But anytime u need to talk, we're here.
Shauna
|
ERICA83
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Mar 2004 Posts: 738 Location: clinton twp, MI
Posted: 10-27-04 09:33am
Wow its weird that u posted this cuz I
totally felt that way last night and
today. I cried for like 2 hours and
instead of eric asking whats wrong or what
he can do he says I love u n goes on the
computer. Ive always wanted to get on
antidepressants but didnt cuz I was preggy
but now that dom is here I am. I hate who
I have become I feel like a monster we
should really talk sometime I think it
would do us both some good. My e-mail is
ericsgir
l@gmail.Com. Take care. ~ erica
|
insurancegirl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Sep 2003 Posts: 5286
Posted: 10-27-04 10:39am
Crystal,
you are a wonderful person! We love you
and you know it! You are the best thing
that could ever happen to ethan, because
you love him more than life itself. It's
only natural to want more! Just know
that you do have someone, you have lots of
us!
|
BbyBlu0602
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 822 Location: Virginia
Posted: 10-29-04 02:08am
I'm so confused. Yes, kenny and I broke
up. It wasn't him though. I was the
one that broke up with him. I thought
that it was the best thing to do at the
time. Then, I realized that it could
have been a huge mistake. My brother
and I went to kenny's house tonight so
that I could talk to him, and kenny and I
went into his bedroom and talked about why
I did what I did and how we each felt and
then I walked out into the living room to
see what my brother was up to and a few
minutes later, my brother was like,
"what's he doing in there? Why isn't he
coming out here?" I went back in the
bedroom to check on kenny and he was
holding a picture in his hand looking at
it crying. I couldn't see what picture
it was, but then when I crawled up next to
him, I saw that it was a picture of him,
ethan and me together. I asked him what
he was thinking, and he said, "i must have
messed up." I said, "no, you didn't do
anything wrong, it was me...I was stupid."
I layed there with him with my head on
his chest and I tried to comfort him while
he cried. I told him that I still loved
him and how much I cared for him. The
radio was playing and "iris" by the goo
goo dolls came on and he sang it to
me...Still crying. The only weird part
about it all was earlier before I went
over to his house to talk to him...He was
at kara's house (his ex before me) and I
actually drove up there to her house
because I knew he was there. I had
called him and asked him what he was doing
and he said he was talking to some guy and
I asked where he was and he told me, "up
here near kara's house." so, he was honest
and told me where he was. Nothing
happened when I got there because his
friend jamey came over and talked to me
and my brother is friends with kara's
brother and them two were talking. Kara
was sitting in kenny's truck the whole
time, she never got out or said anything
to me. Kenny was talking to some guy
when I pulled up at her house. I think
the only reason I went up there to her
house was because I just wanted to see if
he really was there. I explained to him
about how I thought that when we were
together, I thought that he was still
talking to her and he told me that when we
were together he didn't talk to her
because it was all about me. He said,
"i might go see her now, but it's not like
I want to be with her." I honestly think
he's just lonely now and he knows that
kara likes him...So he goes to her. I
don't know what to do. I'm happy right
now being single and not having to worry
about the stress of a serious
relationship, but at the same time i'm in
love with kenny. I really do love
him...I do. I love him. I believe
that he really does care about me, because
it's really not like him to cry...But at
the same time, i'm kind of shady of the
fact that he's seeing kara again. I
went to his house tonight, knowing that he
had just came from kara's house. When
he started crying, I kissed him knowing
that he had probably kissed just kissed
kara 20 minutes earlier, but it didn't
bother me because that's how much I love
him. One day back when I was helping
him move out, we were at his parent's
house in his bedroom and I was sitting on
his bed and he was standing up packing
some of his stuff up and the song "she
thinks she needs me" by andy griggs came
on the radio and he said, "this is my song
to you." every time I hear that song come
on the radio now, I think of him saying
that and my eyes always start getting
watery. I don't know what to do. I'm
in love with him, but i'm happy the way
things are right now. Part of me wants
to be with him more than anything, but
then part of me wants to stay single and
be away from the seriousness of a
relationship like that. I dunno what to
do.
I also found out that a week before we
broke up, he had bought me a ring and was
going to ask me to marry him.
Oh wow. Well hun, you did what you had to
do for yourself, but I really think kenny
was a good guy for you........Wow.
I wish I knew what to say hun, but it's
hard. Good luck in whichever way you
chose to go. I love ya!
|
jessamyn
Moderator
Joined: 18 Aug 2004 Posts: 4101 Location: San Diego, CA
Thanks: 11
Thanked:3
Posted: 10-29-04 09:26am
Omg thats a crazy story babe... Would you
have said yes? If he did ask you?
|
BbyBlu0602
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 822 Location: Virginia
Posted: 10-29-04 09:51am
Yeah, I would have said yes. I honestly
didn't think he cared about me that much
to ask me to marry him. I guess that was
proved wrong yesterday. I'm just really
weird about the him talking to kara thing,
because the whole time we were together
he'd talk so bad about her and be like,
"she needs to leave me alone" and now he's
talking to her like they're dating or
something. He told me on the phone today
that now that he knew how I felt about him
he'd just tell her to go on and leave him
alone, but I don't think he will. I'm so
confused. I'm in love with him, but I
don't want to put up with kara's bullsh*t
either. And now that she knows where his
new house is, i'm sure she'll just
randomly start appearing there. I hate
her, I can't stand her....I never could.
I've known her for a lot longer than kenny
has and I know what kind of a person she
is. I also know that she doesn't love
kenny, at least not in the sense that I
do. Not trying to cut her down or
anything, but kenny deserves better. He
has his faults and flaws just like
everyone else, but he does deserve better
than that. I guess I really screwed up.
I'm not going to push anything with
kenny...I'm going to see if he tries to
get back together with me instead. If he
is happy being around kara, then i'll
leave him alone. I don't want to make it
complicated for him, like it already is
for me.
|
jessamyn
Moderator
Joined: 18 Aug 2004 Posts: 4101 Location: San Diego, CA
Nothings impossible darlin, just keep
praying that things will look up for you.
Whenever you go through hard times like
that when you get through it things are
supposed to be 10 times better for you!
|
BbyBlu0602
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 822 Location: Virginia
Posted: 10-29-04 11:23am
The really weird part about it all is the
past 3 days, i've been in a really great
mood and I haven't felt that way for a
while. I miss kenny, but at the same
time..I'm happy.
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Schizophreniahealth
This page was last updated on June 11, 2008
and even though it
doesnt seem like its gonna get better, it
will. You have been blessed with your
son. Thing will turn around I promise.