I have a 5-year-old son. He is so smart,
happy, and I feel lucky to know him.
Which is why I can't fathom why his father
wouldn't want to know him. We were
together until my son was 2. He was so
emotionally unavailiable that I couldn't
handle it anymore and left. We were doing
the daddy calls when he wants to see his
son thing, and I complied peacefully
everytime. Even when he didn't show up, I
would say "daddy loves you very much but
he has to work extra today so he can't
come." I always made him the good guy
cause I didn't want to be that kind of mom
that bad mouths the other parent. But
after 5 years of this caca i'm ready to
blow! I had a heart to heart with him and
specified what our son needed from him and
he acts like father of the year for two
weeks and disappears for four months.
This has happened twice this year. No
phone calls, no nothing! Friends told me
they saw him out at the bar, so I know
he's alive?...And well! Now I don't think
I should let him see or talk to him. He
said he didn't call for so long because my
son has a temper tantrum last time he was
with him and my son said "i hate you".
His dad didn't think that was acceptable,
and it's not, and decided to punish him by
ignoring him for four months. This was 4
months ago, so now he acts all surprised
that I wouldn't let him talk to him when
he called out of the blue this past week.
My son seems to genuinely not like his
dad, and has said on several occasions
that he wants my boyfriend to be his new
dad. Which is nice because my boyfriend
loves him like a son, he says "you have a
dad, but whatever you want to call me..."
my sons behavior is very different when
his dad is not around too. He is so easy
to handle when he hasn't seen him for
awhile, but when he is part of his life I
find my son is very difficult. I really
want to do the right thing, and am trying
to not let my anger take over, but I think
I should tell him to take me to court to
see him. Besides all this, he is slacking
in child support payments. I just wish he
would walk away and let me heal my son and
move on.
I know this is really long, but the stress
of it is making me physically sick. I'm
just looking for some opinions on what I
should do next? Any would be appreciated,
thanks!
|
drexl
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Dec 2004 Posts: 37 Location: canada
Posted: 12-10-04 03:02am
You've got support from your boyfriend.
Your getting payments and the guy does not
live with you, he misses his kid and all
of the sudden you feel you have to become
another statistic and take him to court,
your going to give yourself more grief,
i'm not defending him in anyway it doesn't
matter, get over yourself your being
selfish. The effects of having him not
there or coming to see him once in awile
are pure chance the effects of court are
negativity and wonton stress. If you
don't want him around when he calls tell
him to goto hell. And then arange a time
that suits our schedule.
|
mellymel78
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 Mar 2005 Posts: 44 Location: SLC UT
Its Not Selfish When the Child Should Be First Posted: 03-22-05 07:14am
Dear "scatterbrain", I see its been a
while since this was posted but I had to
put in my opinion...When I got pregnant
with my baby who is now almost 3, his
father disappeared...He ignored my calls
and ran my name into the ground, saying it
was his kid..Blah blah blah, but showed up
the night my son was born (an hour or so
after he was born) and decided he wanted
all the credit for him. But of course w/o
any responsibility. He did alot of the
same things, came and went whenever, saw
him when it was convenient for him, never
paid child support till I went thru the
ors, and treated us both bad. My son, for
a while didnt seem to want anyhting to do
with his dad, or even really like him
much. It took for us to actually go to
court to get a set visitation schedule and
child support amount for his dad to
realize that he is his dad and he should
start acting like it...We went to court
last november and ever since he has been
improving...Not father of the year by
anymeans, but now he knows what he has to
do and my son actually enjoys seeing him
now and we are getting along better
too...But I think one really important
reason to go to court and have custody
established is, if he decided to show up
one day, take him and not return him, he
could legally do it. The courts and the
cops see it as no one has physical
custody, its your word against his type of
thing. I know this because thats what set
off the whole court thing to begin
with...He had him overnight, and when I
told him I was on my way to get him the
next morning, he took off and said I f I
could find him I could have him...Its a
long story...But you see what I mean...So
you do what you think is best for you and
your son...
My daughters father pulled that with her,
and I would get all upset and it pissed me
off. Until the day came when I accepted
that he will never be a "father" to her.
When he would say he was coming to get
her, I wouldnt tell her b/c he would never
show up. Sounds like this dad gets a
case of the guilts then ocmes around. To
me your child is better off with him not
being around at all, then popping in here
and there and being a butthead. If he
calls I would say I am sorry you cant see
him, and if he wants to then he can take
it to ocurt, chances are he wont and he
will be gone.
My daughters father pays his child support
inconsistently, but I would rahter he jsut
be gone. My daughter has someone she
calls dad, and that is what matters.
Sounds like your son has that too, if he
wants to call your boyfriend dad I would
let him, but only if you know that you
guys are going to be married and are
stable, otherwise if he is gone again,
your son will have another issue to deal
with.
I told my daughter (older now) that she
will always have a void in her life for
that male attention she did not get from
her biological father, and (i have it too)
that you cant find it anywhere else such
as food, gambling, a boyfriend etc...
This is usually what happens as the child
grows up without dealing with the bio dad
not being therem they have a huge void
they cant seem to fill. Sounds corny,
but for me and my daughter we filled that
void with the thought that god is our new
daddy, I am not a bible banger or even go
to church. But this helped her b/c when
they go to sunday school etc.. They are
taught that god is love. I dont know, it
still bothers her from time to time, and
me as well with my own dad, but it is a
pain that stays with you forever, jsut
gets easier and less apinful in time. To
me the sooner he isnt around, the better.
Unless he has some "change" where he is
going to be stable and consistent.
|
fatfamily02
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Jul 2005 Posts: 3050 Location: Georgia, USA
Posted: 08-26-05 16:04pm
My children were 12. 10, 8 when their dad
decided to take them from me. He had not
even so much as seen them for 3 years.
He took them for a summer visit and never
returned them. I had already went to
court and established custody and child
support payments for them. But the case
was like 3 years before that and they
couldnt even listen to it. He has every
right to take them, even though the papers
said he only gets every other holiday and
2 weeks in the summer. They would not do
anything. Worse part is he had molested
my daughter when she was 3 and I had that
on my side, but couldnt pull up the police
reports cuz it had been over 7 years.
The kids even told their lawyer about it
and they dint listen. He molested my
little angel again when she was 11. She
was the middle child left when she was
10.
I say take him to court if you think your
strong enough for it, get full
documentation of every thing in triplicate
and keep in a strong box.
Establish visitation and make him stick to
it, establish child support and take him
back to court if he dont pay it. Stand up
for your baby's rights and your own
rights. Good luck
i did all my own divorce papers and court
documents--you can too
|
Cheyeone
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 May 2006 Posts: 2 Location: Wautoma, WI
Dead Beat Dads Suck Posted: 05-17-06 13:22pm
I have a 10 yr old... She hasn't seen her
father for 5 yrs though he did call 3 yrs
ago and threaten with joint custody cuz he
had a new woman to impress. He owes
almost $19,000 in back support and has a
warrant out for his arrest. Too bad the
warrant is in wi cuz as soon as he found
out about it he moved to montanna where
the warrant is no good. He works for cash
and my daughter doesn't know him but
really wants to. Lately she's been
"missing" him a lot and can't even find
anything out about him cuz he's not a
stand-up guy and can't do the right thing
by her.
|
nene99
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Aug 2006 Posts: 3
Dead Beat Dad Posted: 08-06-06 02:00am
My daughters father never wanted to know
about her while I was pregnant,or for the
first three years of her life,when he did
start a relationship with her I was all
for it thinking that she was missing out
in someway not having him around. I have
since changed my mind as he only stuck
around for six months, he showed up again
last easter bringing her easter eggs, I
explained to him in no unsertain terms
that he couldn't walk in and out of her
life it wasn,t fair to her, he had to face
his responsibilities and make a commitment
to her and make it regular visits and I
wouldn't stand for him upsetting her
again, that lasted four weeks ,we haven't
had a phone call since, he has since moved
in with a woman and is playing happy
families to her five children, while his
girlfriend is completely un aware he even
has a daughter. I fully believe no matter
what my daughter is better of with out him
disrupting her life.
|
margateleo8
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 1
Re: Deadbeat Dad Posted: 11-20-07 15:33pm
I am in almost the exact same position: my
5 year old son has not seen his dad for at
least 3 years and doesnt remember him- i
also have a loving caring boyfriend who is
a dad to my son since he was 1... and now
my ex gets out of jail (spent only 1 year
and has no excuse on accounting for all
the other years he just wasnt around) and
wants to see him on his birthday because
its convenient. I'm just really stuck
because it is not fair he decides when to
be in his life, so I'm not letting him see
him, and he's threatening to make my life
a living hell- i would let him see him if
he proves to me he has a steady job, takes
parenting classes etc and will be serious
about being there for him...I'm just
curious how your situation turned out
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