What Is Wrong With This Picture? Posted: 11-04-04 12:35pm
I am dealing with an eating disorder but I
don't know which one. I am not overweight
or underweight. I am not anorexic.
Although I wish I just didn't eat. When I
skip a meal I hate it but love myself for
the accomplishment. When I eat, all I
think about is all the crap going inside
of me. Sometimes I chew and spit it out.
I used to throw up my food. Every morning
I wake up thinking about whether I should
eat, or what I should eat. I weigh myself
20 times a day and sometimes lose a pound
or two and then gain it right back. Every
morning is a challenge, the biggest
decisions of the day is to eat or not to
eat. I end up eating most of the time.
And each time I regret it. I put way too
much effortand time in this. I want to
concentrate on other things in life, but I
can't. I have the mind of an anorexic yet
I can't just not eat! Any advice?
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CrombieChic16
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Oct 2003 Posts: 745
Posted: 11-10-04 13:32pm
Ladymarmalade,
i can totally relate and understand
exactly where ur coming from...I used to
think like that and go through everyday
the same exact way...Minus the
purging...On the outside, I was not
underweight at all, I wasnt "fat", but I
wasnt satisfied by any means..I def wasnt
bulimic, and I always thought I was too
fat to be anorexic, "ur only anorexic if
ur skin and bones"...Not true, at all....I
remembered always waking up and telling
myself I wasnt going to eat, or I was
going to eat toast and that was
it....Everyday I would eat the toast, and
even tho in my mind I was freakin out
telling myself not to eat a bite more, I
continued eating anyway, and couldnt not
eat....And by the end of the day, I had
eaten just as much if not more than the
"average" person but, I felt horrible,
guilty and absolutely disgusted with
myself...I felt like everytime I ate, I
failed....That was about 1 1/2 years
ago....I even remembered thinking to
myself, god I wish I had the power to just
not eat, to hold back and not give
in...After telling myself that time and
time again, and after totally denying that
I had any type of eating disorder, my
weight plummeted down to 96lbs...I'm 5'3
btw...I was ghostly looking, and I
realized this disease was a whole lot
bigger and stronger than I thought it
was...Its such a decieving and
manipulating disease....U are ur own worst
enemy and it sucks...Only u can control
what u think and what u do, yet the way
the disease makes u think makes u do the
things u kno arent good for u.....I
apologize if im rambling, but my point is,
u need to get help, u need to face
whatever issues led u to this disease and
try ur hardest to overcome it, because if
u ignore it and deny it, it will take over
ur life, and trust me, its not the life u
would wanna live....Hun, I have never made
myself sick, never purged once....Yet the
enamel of my teeth has slowly weakened and
broken down and about a month ago I
started a 6 month process, yes *six*
months to basically reconstruct each tooth
from all the damage I caused.....The
damage my stomach acids caused from me not
eating..Who the hell would have thought
*not* eating would screw up ur
teeth?!..Now if all of that damage was
done without purging...Can u imagine what
the outcome will be if I was purging?
Hun, please get help, u dont want to have
to deal with all of the reprocussions for
the rest of ur life...Im here for u if u
ever wanna talk, or if u just need to
vent....I wish u the best of luck, stay
strong and never give up!
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swimmer
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Nov 2004 Posts: 65 Location: Utopia
Posted: 11-10-04 14:32pm
I have been there and done
that..............Pm me if you care to
talk-
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ladymarmalade99
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Jul 2004 Posts: 42
Posted: 11-10-04 17:30pm
Thanks so much for the support. I'm doing
better, but I will definitly post again if
I have any problems.
