My husband and I have a wonderful
relationship except: he loses his temper
when he is stressed out and says mean
things and acts erratic and impulsive. I
don't want to be a doormat so if I don't
take his junk, and give it back to him,
it makes things worse. If I try to say I
am sorry blah blah blah, it does make
things calmer, but then I am afraid I will
begin to believe I am the one to blame -
for example: putting the butter back in
the fridge when he likes it left out so it
will be soft in the morning for his toast,
not going the direction he thinks is the
best way because maybe I want to go a
different way to get there. He has
gotten so mad at me for things like that
he is like a mad man. Later, he is calm
and doesn't even think he did wrong. If
I manage to help him remember what he
said, he says he is sorry and is truly
feeling bad. Now, he is the other man I
married - kind, loving and sweet. I am
living with Dr. Jekkyl and mr. Hyde.
It is wearing me down. Any suggestions?
Ps this is my second marriage, I am 55
and about to be laid off from my job. My
first marriage was with a very
passive-aggressive man for 23 years and I
thought I learned from it. if
you know of any support groups, books or
whatever, I am all ears. Thanks so much!
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nikki_caro
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Aug 2003 Posts: 4921 Location: Right here at work!
Posted: 10-15-03 17:55pm
Yup Dr. Phil self matters and the
relationship rescue workbook and book are
great helps. I am working on the
relationship rescue workbook with jose.
We do it together before we go to bed.
And its like quizes and questions on
yourself. They help alot, because a
temper like can can eventually lead to
emotional abuse then maybe physicall.
Maybe you should look into those, or go to
marriage counseling. That can really help
to get over his temper changes.
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zen
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Oct 2003 Posts: 4
Posted: 10-16-03 05:42am
Thanks a lot! I will look for that book.
Of course he doesn't think he has a
problem so......But maybe it will help me.
Right now, I am basically not speaking
to him - just when I have to - theres no
point because when I try to explain how I
feel, he just doesn't get it. So at
least it doesn't all boil over again with
another heated discussion with him
thinking he did nothing wrong. I looked
on amazon.Com and saw a book called the
verbal abusive relationship by patricia
evans. I will get that one also.
Thanks for your help!! I am sure between
those I will get some good advice. Good
luck to you and jose'!!
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smo1980
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Oct 2003 Posts: 15 Location: Canada
Posted: 10-16-03 09:24am
That sounds alot like me and my boyfriend,
except I am only 23! He gets so mad over
the littleest things, and you can't even
try to explain to him, why you think he is
over reacting! My explaination for this
is, they have no slef essteem, I am not
saying it is right for them to do this, I
jsut know with my boyfriend there are many
things that have pushed him and ate away
him for many, many years. Maybe I am
just to understanding, I don't know ,
but I also know what I am like, therefore
I know I can be a bit much ti ahndle at
times myself! Sometimes it is better to
just blow it off, but then there are times
when to much is to much! I guess just
wanted you to know that you wern't the
only on ei situations like this! You
have to try see where his anger is comeing
from or if he is really just an anger
person all the time. Good luck, I don't
know if this will help you but......
It's here for you to read anyway!
Smo
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nikki_caro
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Aug 2003 Posts: 4921 Location: Right here at work!
Posted: 10-16-03 11:02am
Thanks! We had to get the book because he
would get upset at little things, then act
like nothing too. So I had to be more
stern with him and lecture him. He
listens better that way! Hahaha but we
are doing better! Good luck to you 2!
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zen
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Oct 2003 Posts: 4
Dr Jekkyl And Mr Hyde Posted: 10-16-03 16:49pm
That actually does help a lot. I feel
like a puppet on a string sometimes and I
have been there before. I surely don't
want that again, especially at my age.
Whew, sometimes that blowing it off is
hard especially when he acts like he hates
your guts. You are right, tho, his past
childhood was pretty bad. I am
codependent so I know I have a tendency to
put up with things and put the other first
or ask what did I do? But after years of
therapy, and codependent meetings, I have
learned somewhat. I guess I didn't learn
all the way, though, or I would not have
considered someone like that as a husband.
My first husband broke my spirit and
those were my young years. Now, I don't
have too much more time left and don't
care to have what spirit I managed to
salvage lost now, so we shall see.
But, thanks because sometimes you do think
you are the only one with this kind of
problem. Believe me, you are not too
much to handle if all you are trying to be
is yourself. They just make you think
that it is your fault. If you get the
book, the verbal abuse by patricia evans
let me know what you think. I a m
getting it this weekend. Maybe we can
learn something. Good luck!
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CrombieChic16
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Oct 2003 Posts: 745
Posted: 10-19-03 14:24pm
Sounds like a very controlling
atmosphere....I would suggest counseling
for either him, or both as a couple...He
sounds like my ex, he was very abusive,
especially emotionally, and what you
described is exactly how he acted...I
would be careful and do something about
the problem before it gets worst...Good
luck and keep us updated
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Strawberry_Kisses
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Sep 2003 Posts: 35 Location: PR
...dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde Posted: 10-19-03 16:01pm
I wanted to point out that when my mom was
talking with my sister about my dad and
did not wanted me to know they used to
call him "dr. Jekyll and mr.Hyde" lol!!
well the girls have said it all good luck!
I wish you the best
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holmom2
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Oct 2003 Posts: 3
Dr. Jekkyl And Mr. Hyde Posted: 10-21-03 22:43pm
This sounds like how my husband was until
he got help. We've been married 20 years
and the pressure of job losses and such
got to be to much which triggered it even
more. Turns out he has severe
depression, ocd, and social anxiety which
are all interlinked. He is 46 years old
and since he has been on medication the
Dr. Jekkyl and mr. Hyde has discipated.
He does not have the irratic anger that
he once had. And I know what you mean
when you say they apologize and are deeply
sorry. They are. He should go talk
with a doctor.
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zen
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Oct 2003 Posts: 4
Dr J. And Mr. H Posted: 10-25-03 10:27am
You guys are right. I will try all these
suggestions and do the best I can. I so
appreciate all your good advice. Looks
like you know exactly what I am saying.
Just got out of the hospital with viral
meningitis, can you believe? I am
getting better though. Thanks
everyone!!
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phil dennison
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Nov 2003 Posts: 71 Location: illinois
Dr.dennison Posted: 11-16-03 22:51pm
You must be a pretty easy to go through
door mat. .
My advice,run for your life. He will not
recover from the maddness.Oh and the day
you leave don't tell him get up early and
put the butter in the fridge. That is
unless you want to be a service maid, not
a wife, good luck.
if
you know of any support groups, books or
whatever, I am all ears. Thanks so much!
,
but I also know what I am like, therefore
I know I can be a bit much ti ahndle at
times myself! Sometimes it is better to
just blow it off, but then there are times
when to much is to much! I guess just
wanted you to know that you wern't the
only on ei situations like this! You
have to try see where his anger is comeing
from or if he is really just an anger
person all the time. Good luck, I don't
know if this will help you but......
It's here for you to read anyway!
well the girls have said it all good luck!
I wish you the best 
.
My advice,run for your life. He will not
recover from the maddness.Oh and the day
you leave don't tell him get up early and
put the butter in the fridge. That is
unless you want to be a service maid, not
a wife, good luck.