Rules for a man (100 ways to keep your
testosterone flowing)
1 don't call, ever.
2 if you like a girl, don't tell her.
It's more fun to let her figure it out by
herself.
3 lie.
4 name your penis. Be sure it is
something narcissistic and unoriginal,
such as "spike"
6 here's a good pickup line, "my
girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out
with me?
8 play with yourself. Talk about it.
9 be as ambiguous as possible. If you
don't want to answer, a nice grunt will
do.
10 always remember: you are a man.
Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your
fault.
11 lie
12 girls find it attractive if a man has
had more women than baths.
13 never ask for help. Even if you
really, really need help- don't ask.
People will think you have no penis.
14 women like it when you ignore them. It
arouses them.
15 vanity is the most important trait for
a man to have. Whenever you pass a
reflective surface, check you hair,
clothing, etc.
16 if you don't like a girl, but can't
think of a good enough reason why, just
come up with trite, meaningless
explanations like, "i don't know. I just
don't like her personality."
17 if, god forbid, you have to talk to a
girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic
words and noises. Bodily noises are
permissible.
18 two words: hack and spit.
19 everyone finds a man more attractive if
he can write his name in urine.
20 one sure way to make a girl like you is
to go after her best friend. She will
then see what she's missing and love you
for not giving up on her.
21 tell her you will call. Then, refer
back to rule #1.
22 say things like "wha...?"
23 don't wear matching clothes. People
will think your girlfriend picked it out,
and it will cramp your style on picking up
chicks.
24 lie.
25 deny everything. Everything.
26 good break up line, "it's not you, it's
me." (ripped off from george castanza)
27 if you like a girl, tell all your
female friends about her. Because if any
of your female friends like you, they'll
really want to know.
28 don't have a clue.
29 if you get a clue, pretend you didn't
and disregard it.
30 no means yes.
31 yes means no.
32 if you don't get sex whenever you want,
your balls will shrivel. Enforce this
rule at all times.
33 if anyone asks, you have had sex in all
possible positions and locations.
Improvise.
34 much like an orgasm signifies the end
of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the
end of a relationship .
35 feelings? What feelings?
36 tell this to your girl before you have
sex, "don't worry. If you don't have an
orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37 life is one big competition. If
someone is better than you at anything,
either pretend it's not true or kick some
ass.
38 lie I tell you!!
39 do not make decisions about
relationships . If you are backed into a
corner and must make a decision, stall.
If you still must come up with an answer,
leave yourself a loophole for escape.
Example: question: "honey, will you take
me out for a romantic dinner?" answer:
"yes, if you can guess how many sperm I
produce each day."
40 every sentence that anyone says can be
contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41 at any given opportunity, point out how
things look like various genitalia. If,
by chance, you have play-doh, make sure
you make an exact replica of your penis.
Measure to make sure it's right.
42 lie.
43 "love" is not in your vocabulary.
Don't even think about saying it.
44 a general rule: if whatever you're
doing does not satisfy you completely in 5
minutes, it's really not worth it.
45 diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead
until you get her back. Diss her again.
Repeat cycle.
46 lie.
47 always apologize. Never mean it.
48 if you hurt someone, pretend you care.
Don't.
49 try to have a good memory, but it's ok
if you forget trivial things. You know,
like your girlfriend's b-day and eye
color.
50 ignorance solves problems. If you
can't see them, they can't see you.
51 it is never your duty to take
responsibility for your actions.
52 create new words and phrases to
describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
53 complain about not getting any mail.
When people finally feel sorry for you and
send you mail, ignore it and continue
complaining.
54 lie.
55 play with your food only if you are in
a public place with people you don't know.
56 play with your penis only if you are in
a public place with people you don't know.
57 if people express extreme disgust at
whatever you are doing, don't stop! This
is the desired reaction.
58 you are not a virgin. Ever. Males are
born without virginity.
59 you are male, therefore you are
superior.
60 agenda for a boring evening: get beer.
Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have
sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61 females do not care what you do to them
as long as they get to please you.
62 don't ever notice anything.
63 if you're going out with someone but
you love someone else, don't say anything.
Wait until the girl you are going out
with falls in love with you, and then
tell her.
64 basic fundamental rule of dating :
quantity, not quality.
65 basic fundamental rule of sex: quantity
is quality.
66 lie.
67 if you cheat on a girl, but no one
finds out, then technically you've done
nothing wrong.
68 crying is not manly. Then again, if
you are a man, what do you have to cry
about, anyway?
69 if the question begins with "why," the
answer is "i don't know."
70 women are your napkins. Use them, and
throw them away.
71 remember, every virgin girl is saving
herself for you.
72 if you ever find yourself in a position
where you have been proven wrong, blame
others. Come up with creative and
believable excuses why they are at fault-
not you.
73 don't ever let anyone say "i told you
so." if you hear this phrase and it didn't
come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74 if your woman makes you go shopping
with her, drive around until a parking
spot right near the door opens up. If
this takes hours, so be it. You will have
the coveted "door spot" and others will
worship your skills.
75 keep track of how many seconds in your
life you have thought about sex. Compare
with others.
76 other peoples' pain is strictly for
your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77 lie.
78 general rule: different is bad.
79 if anyone asks you for a favor- a) make
a big deal about how hard it is for you to
do it, b) remind them of this huge favor
you've done for them at least every 5
minutes for the rest of their life.
80 each penny you save will be worth at
least a dollar in the long run.
81 if you do something really mean to a
girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you,
pretend nothing happened. If she still
doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is
something wrong?"
82 three words: let's be friends.
Translation: I never want to speak to you
again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image
if you are mad at me, so i'll pretend I
want to be your friend.
83 lie.
84 if you're on a date, and there is a
lull in the conversation, tell the girl
how many different dorms you've been laid
in.
85 when you tell a girl about your past,
it's good to say, "god, I was such a pimp
back then."
86 here's a good trick. Tell a girl that
you're going to leave and when you come
back, you want her naked, sprawled on the
bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room
and tell him he should go check on his
daughter. Then drive like hell. (true
story.)
87 if a girl breaks up with you because
you're in love with someone else, she has
no right to be upset. Because, you know,
she's the one who wanted to end the
relationship.
88 the best sex position is you, lying
face up... And twenty girls on top.
89 practice your blank stare.
90 spend your spare time thinking of
excuses and shove them up your ass. Then,
whenever you need one, you can pull it out
of your ass.
91 if you ever forced to show emotion,
just pick random emotions like rage and
lust and insanity and display them at
random, inconvenient times. You won't be
asked to do it again.
92 if you are asked to do something you
really don't want to do, first try your
manly best to get out of it. If that
doesn't work, go ahead and do what you
were asked to do, but complain that you
don't know how to do it and continuously
ask questions on how to do each little
part. If no one rushes in to do it for
you yet, finish the job in the most
half-assed way you possibly can and then
say, "see?? I told you I couldn't do it."
eventually, people will stop asking you to
do things.
93 work out day and night to make your
body even more beautiful than it already
is. When people ask if you've been
working out, say things like, "no, baby, I
was born like this!"
94 do not listen to "vagina music" such as
erasure, color me badd, or oldies.
95 beer. Then more beer.
96 scratch your balls. See if you can
embarrass people.
97 one word: football!
98 real men beat up others who are
inferior. I mean, we don't want the
inferior of the species to get to
reproduce ever, do we???
99 diss your girl friends for an
occasional night or 5 out with "the gang".
100 lie.
