One day, a little boy wrote to santa
clause, "please send me a sister."
santa clause wrote him back, "ok, send me
your mother
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that
sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a
good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your
follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
60 things not to say to a naked guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix
that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in italy
like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy slim jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your
thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like
that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car .
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a
sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is god punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks
it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural
light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the
cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an
accident.
44. Did you date lorena bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your
french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many
other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to
judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a bb gun.
57. Look, it fits my barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
Cross my heart this happened to someone.
This guy lives in westchester, ny and goes
to school at ithaca college. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl
(who is also from westchester and also
goes to ithaca) out on a date, but has
never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees
her at home and musters up the courage to
ask her out. She accepts, and they make
dinner plans for saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all
of his buddies, and drinks like
prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he
can't make it through twenty minutes
without either throwing up or using the
bathroom. After several hours of this, he
is able to stop throwing up, but he is
still running to the toilet every 20
minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the
date, because he's afraid he won't ever
talk to her again.
So they meet in westchester, and take the
train to new york city (about a 30 minute
ride). They get to the restaurant, and he
excuses himself during the appetizers to
use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of
the appetizers without interruption, but
he has to go back again during the
entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During
dessert, our hero feels another rumbling,
but doesn't want to look like a complete
bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a
few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but
he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas
fly right there at the table (discreetly,
of course). Unfortunately, this little
bit of gas came with another little
surprise. "oh crap," he thinks (and
feels). Instead of running to the
bathroom right away, our hero immediately
leans on the arms of his chair to keep
from sitting on this surprise. He
maintains this yoga position for the rest
of dessert, trying to figure out what to
do before his tan pants (a) start to
smell, or (b) start to show stains on the
outside. He quickly pays for dinner and
they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the
way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass
the gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater
that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"no problem, i'd like to look around too,"
she replies. They go into the gap.
Fortunately, at the gap, men's fashions
are on the right, women's fashions are on
the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within
reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a pair that most closely
resemble his current outfit, he brings
both items to the register. His eyes are
on his date (still on the other side of
the store) to make sure that she doesn't
see him buying the pants. He doesn't even
want the sweater, so he says through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can
read lips from 40 feet away) "just the
pants." "what?" asks the gap girl.
"just the pants!" (eyes still trained on
his date.) gap girl: "oh, ok."
he pays for the pants and walks over to
his date; then they leave the store. They
board the train just before it leaves the
station and find two seats in the middle
of the car . Without sitting down, our
hero excuses himself and walks to the
bathroom in the back of the car . He gets
to the bathroom as the train departs, and
quickly rips off his pants and boxer
shorts. He rolls them into a ball and
throws them out the window. After
cleaning himself off, he opens the gap bag
and pulls out...Just the sweater.
Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?
So he can get oxygen to his brain.
A woman keeps asking her husband if her
boobs are so small. ''does this shirt
make them look bigger? Does this one make
them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a
mirror. Before bed, she always looks in
the mirror and asks her husband, ''does
this shirt make them look bigger? Does
this one make them look smaller?''
finally he gets so annoyed that he says,
''i know how to make them larger!''
''how!?!?!?'' she asks.
''take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it
in between your boobs.''
''well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''they should expand over the years,'' he
answers.
''how did you know that?'' she wonders.
''i dunno, but it sure worked for your
ass, didn't it?'''
