i think my story has been heard a thousand
times before, but here goes:
my fiancee and I are planning to get
married in 6-8 months time, but we learned
a few days ago that she's 6 weeks
pregnant. She missed her period for 2
weeks and went to see a doctor, who tested
her and found her pregnant. We have
since consulted with a ob/gyn and have
told her that we are undecided as to
whether we want to keep the pregnancy or
not.
We're both working, but she was planning
to leave her current job once her contract
expires in march 05. Nobody will hire
her before then, given that she's pregnant
and will have to take maternity leave
fairly soon. My salary alone is
insufficient to support the both of us,
what more a baby! On top of that, we are
working away from our home country, and
don't see how we are going to be able to
take care of the baby if she were to
resume work 3-4 months after delivery. I
mean, our parents could come stay with us
for a while, but its not fair to them to
have them take care of our baby full time
while we both work, and how long can we
keep that up anyway?
As a result, we're contemplating the worst
of decisions- whether or not to terminate
the pregnancy. We both agree that its a
sin (being both christians), and we have
sat and talked/cried about it for the last
2 days -but when the balance sheet of our
accounts are tallied, we know we cannot
support a child -we were caught without
much savings.
Initially, the biggest hurdle we thought
of was the ackwardness of having to
explain to family and friends on having a
baby out of wedlock, but then decided that
it was a minor issue -i mean I don't care
about all that now, but the biggest
problem is mainly financial.
Questions on abortions were interesting
when discussing them as a third party, but
when its you, then the situation is very
much different. If you were to ask me as
little as a month ago if I was against
abortion, my answer would probably be a
"hell yes!" but thats a far cry to the way
I feel right now.
Today i've called up the doctor, who will
schedule a meeting with a councellor,
after which there is a 48-hour wait (by
law) before the procedure (vacuum
aspiration) can be performed. We've
already given a tentative 'yes' to the
abortion, but we can still change our
minds, right up to the moment she's
wheeled into the ot.
Please, no anti-abortion name calling,
flames.. Nothing you could say can make
me feel any worse about the situation.
I'm here to ask for suggestions, opinions,
understanding(?) i'm really at wits end as
to what to do. We don't want to do it,
but financially, we're really not prepared
to support a baby. Its only 4 weeks
since conception (according to the doc),
so its not so bad, right? Are we doing
the right thing? And if yes, then why do
I feel so crappy about it?
sorry for the rant
confused
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kitty2luv
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Oct 2004 Posts: 1089 Location: with my love
Posted: 11-10-04 12:26pm
Hey I had a abortion at 11 weeks when I
was 14 and it has been in my heart ever
since and always will what I think is I
hope she goes to a counsler after it
because its not gonna be easy emotional
maybe she should think abou birthcontrol
if you guys dont want it happen again if u
need to talk email me
miss_plaything_69@yahoo.Com please I
am here or u can talk on here w/ me
|
kitty2luv
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Oct 2004 Posts: 1089 Location: with my love
Posted: 11-10-04 12:30pm
Hey I had a abortion at 11 weeks when I
was 14 and it has been in my heart ever
since and always will what I think is I
hope she goes to a counsler after it
because its not gonna be easy emotional
maybe she should think abou birthcontrol
if you guys dont want it happen again if u
need to talk email me
miss_plaything_69@yahoo.Com please I
am here or u can talk on here w/ me
|
Confused1001
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Nov 2004 Posts: 7
Posted: 11-11-04 03:01am
Thanks kitty2luv for your kind words.
We're still upset over the recent turn of
events, but still feel that it would also
be irresponsible to continue this
pregnancy given our current financial
status. I'm not making excuses for our
decision, but we both agree that we need
to make this decision together, no finger
pointing or blaming later on. I've always
wanted kids, so this is also a big blow to
me, as i've never really considered the
dollars and cents aspect of having a kid,
up until now. I guess we all gotta grow
up sometime.
We'll be seeing the councellor tomorrow
then will be scheduling the procedure as
soon as possible next week, we want to get
this done while the pregnancy is as early
as possible. Please pray for us to make
the better decision, I won't say right,
because either way, we feel we're making
the wrong one.
Anyway, will she need to take the day off
the day after the procedure? What we've
read makes it sound like its a fairly easy
procedure, in and out in 15 minutes, rest
for an hour then go home. We've also read
about the emotional drain, but what about
physically? Some insights would be nice.
Once again, thanks for listening.
|
kitty2luv
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Oct 2004 Posts: 1089 Location: with my love
Posted: 11-11-04 10:31am
Well there are some things that could go
wrong after the procedure like heavy
blleding but they will give her meds for
the bleeding and she will most likley have
bad cramps yea I think it will be alot
easyier for her because she is in early
pregnancy I was 11 weeks and I belive I
had a diff procedure I had it scraped out
I thin k but its good shes goon go 2
counsuling...
I do under stand the $$ issue and
if ya'll not ready its for the best for
you and the baby
how far alonge is she ?
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Confused1001
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Nov 2004 Posts: 7
Posted: 11-11-04 11:54am
Well, from the ultrasound the doctor did,
she estimated that the embryo was about 4
weeks old from conception, given its size
of about 6mm, and about 7 weeks since the
last period. Still very early in the
pregnancy, according to the doc. The way
the procedure was explained to me was that
they would use suction to remove the
embryo, followed by gentle scraping to
make sure they remove all embryonic tissue
from the uterus walls. She mentioned that
it would be a quick and relatively
risk-free procedure. She seems pretty
competant, and I pray that everything goes
well. Thanks again
|
kitty2luv
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Oct 2004 Posts: 1089 Location: with my love
Posted: 11-11-04 12:21pm
Yr welcome im here if ya need to talk
|
2ferano
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Dec 2003 Posts: 3717
Posted: 11-11-04 15:10pm
I don't quite understand why she can't
find another job now. She isn't even far
enough along to be showing and she isn't
required to tell a prospective employer
that she is pregnant.
I understand your concerns and such, but
if finance is the only reason to abort
when you two both want this baby, I think
you should try to deal with that part of
it. I just fear that under your specific
circimstances you will both regret the
abortion after it is done.
But, if you this is what you both want
then okay. Just make sure this is what
you both want. I mean, really really
think it through and consider all paths.
Good luck to you both and like the other
post said counseling would be a wonderful
idea. Not just for her, but for you
also.
|
Izzy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 883 Location: Earth
Posted: 11-12-04 19:18pm
How sad!
You said it would be wrong getting your
parents to look after the baby while you
work.... What a world we live in when we
cant depend or think we cant turn to our
family in times of need..... How sad, how
very sad.
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Confused1001
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Nov 2004 Posts: 7
Posted: 11-13-04 08:50am
Its not as simple as that. Like i've
said, we're both working in a foreign
country while our families are back in our
home country. I can't ask my or her
parents to pack up and come to where we
are to take care of the baby, nor would it
be fair to leave the baby with them and
only see it like once a month or
something, right?
Anyway, our decision is more or less
final. Thanks to all who've responded
|
Confused1001
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Nov 2004 Posts: 7
Posted: 11-13-04 11:49am
Hi izzy,
i thank you for caring, and thanks for
your prayers. I ask myself this same
question every single day, but right or
wrong, we have made our decision. Do pray
for us.
|
Izzy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 883 Location: Earth
Posted: 11-13-04 15:06pm
I will be sure to pray for you.
Why not pray about it yourself.
Please! Things may seem imposible to you
but trust in god and his devine providence
he will provide more than you need.
I am scared about what I am going to offer
here but I see that child in desperate
need and I have to do this.
I work full time I dont get a lot of money
and I know you dont want to abort but it
seems to you your only option, maybe we
could come to some sort of arrangement
where I could help financially to support
the child. If you think I am not good
for my word and would stop payments after
the birth, we could set up some sort of
legal contract where I would be legally
bound to pay.
I dont ask anything in return. The fact
I would know that this child would still
be alive would be more than enough.
So please give my offer some thought, I
dont know how much I could give or if it
would be enough, but it is an option for
you to think about.
Please, dont thank me but thank god for
this offer, for without him I would not
have made it.
Btw if you do go through with the
abortion, always remember no matter what
wrong you have done, no matter how great
the sin, god still loves you and he is
always there to hear your confession and
grant you forgivness.
You know it is against god, I know you
fear the uncharted waters of this testing
time. God gives us little/big tests.
Sometimes we pass, sometimes we fail,
sometimes we fail because of our fear and
lack of trust. He knows our fears and our
reasons for failing but he always always
loves you and wants to help you.
All your sins you have commited and all
the ones you will commit if you bring them
before the merciful judge and repent he
will pardon you!
Please read my post entitled: "message for
those in "trouble"
|
purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 11-15-04 03:17am
Like you my religious beliefs opposed
abortion although I always believed in
freedom of choice. I'd lost 3 babies to
miscarriage (i did have a daughter in
betewen) then found I was pregnant with a
sonm who was trisome 18 (serious mental
& physical issues & they usually
self abort) I had him terminated - later I
had a son but lost his twin. I say all
this sao you know I have been there in
many ways - & with a 16 & a 9 year
old I do also understand the financial
& emotional burdens of children.
With this in mind I just want to say that
you should both have counselling & be
prepared to return for more at a later
date if necessary as many peoplnever come
to terms with an abortion - this is made
much worse if you either can't have a
child or have trouble conceiving in the
furure.
A friend (a poor student - no income or
family support & no partner) of mine
also was intending to have an abortion
(this was long before mine) & she
discussed this with me despite knowing I
was basically opposed to abortion - the
thing I noticed & pulled her up on was
that despite having "decided" to abort she
kept talking about him & what she's do
in "his" room etc - so I said hey, if
you're talking like this are you sure you
want to abort "him". She stopped thought
& decided to have him - he's now
almost 30 has a double honours degree in
law & engineering & she's glad she
changed her mind.
I am not suggesting you change yours
merely trying to present different
scenarios & to give you some things to
consider - if you think/thought of your
baby as a him or her then the emotional
trauma will be that much harder on both of
you. >>>> counselling
again.
Pm me if you want to talk.
|
Izzy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 883 Location: Earth
Posted: 11-15-04 08:52am
"i'd lost 3 babies to miscarriage (i did
have a daughter in betewen) then found I
was pregnant with a sonm who was trisome
18 (serious mental & physical issues
& they usually self abort) I had him
terminated - later I had a son but lost
his twin."
my heart goes out to you, it must have
been horrific
i am sure no words can comfort your loss,
I just hope you find peace in our lord
jesus christ!
|
purple333
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2003 Posts: 1420 Location: Sydney
Posted: 11-15-04 15:58pm
Thank you,
its funny but while I still mourn my
babies I know that they're with god &
with my mum who died in 96 so they're
loved. Both my children know about their
siblings who are with god & their nona
& know that they're loved - this sort
of helps me too because I can say things
or write this without fear of them
seeing/hearing & being upset.
|
jenn_smithson
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Nov 2004 Posts: 808 Location: Texas
Posted: 11-15-04 16:35pm
My husband and I had been married only two
months when we experienced a pregnancy.
We had spent what little money we had on
the wedding and were living month to month
at the time. I am still a student,
almost through with my degree, and my
husband has plans to return to school once
I graduate. With tuition, books, living
expenses, and the crap jobs we have to
work just to survive, we knew there was no
way to successfully bring a child into the
situation. Nature, in a way, was
merciful in that the pregnancy turned out
to be ectopic and there was no other
decision that could be made. Even if the
pregnancy had been normal, I still would
have sought an abortion because it was not
the right time for us to have a child. I
understand and support your financial
problems since i, myself, have faced a
similar situation. We, too, live without
an extended support structure and would
have had no one to ask for help for an
extended period of time. I know this is
not an easy time for either of you since
had the circumstances been different you
might have decided to keep the pregnancy.
You and your fiance alone are the only
ones who know when the right time to
become parents will be. You want to give
a good quality life to your future
children and that is most admirible. You
need to be there and support your fiance
and she in turn will support you. If you
need to talk to someone, please seek
someone who is objective and won't make
you feel bad about this decision. You
have nothing to feel bad or sorry for.
It's not the right time, you both
recognize this, you have given it proper
consideration as to the alternatives, and
you have arrived at a very responsible
decision. In a way, you have already
begun to heal as most people who are upset
are upset over having an unplanned
pregnancy. I know that not everyone is
the same, but after my abortion, I felt
relief. I was relieved to know my life
was safe and that my entire reality would
not be upheaved. With my husband
standing by me throughout the entire
process and supporting my decision, we
were able to get past everything quite
quickly and painlessly. If you or your
fiance experience any lasting negative
effects, please see an objective person
who can help put those feelings into
perspective. I hope that in time, you
both will be able to find pride in the
fact that you made the best decision you
personally could make at the time. I am
proud of my decisions and no one has the
right to make me feel any differently. I
hope that you can keep communication open
with one another because that will also
help and I hope, in time, you'll be able
to look back on this and know you did the
right thing. Best of luck in the future
and if you need anything or any support,
don't hesitate to e-mail me at jenn
_smithson@yahoo.Com.
Peace,
jenn
|
Izzy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 883 Location: Earth
Posted: 11-15-04 16:40pm
Its so wonderful to know that whoever goes
before us, we will all be a family again
someday, all one family under god.
Remember also, through prayer we can
communicate with the saints, through holy
communion we can be spiritually united to
christ and the saints.
Our loved ones have not died for they
live, because of the love christ has set
thrm free from death.
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Confused1001
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Nov 2004 Posts: 7
Posted: 11-15-04 20:31pm
Hi jenn and purple,
thanks so much sharing. Indeed, we have
both thought long and hard about this
decision, and have made the decision to
proceed. Right now (just a few hours
before the procedure) we're both still
firmly decided on our course of action,
but its a decision that we've made
together. Thank you again for all the
words of support.
|
Izzy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 883 Location: Earth
Posted: 11-18-04 10:36am
Please keep us upto date.
How is your girlfriend... Did everything
go ok?
No problems, no injuries, how is she
copping, how are you?
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Confused1001
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Nov 2004 Posts: 7
Posted: 11-21-04 22:18pm
Hi,
everything is fine, the procedure went
very smoothly, and although she did
experience very painful cramps after the
procedure, some painkillers helped and she
was home 2 hours after the procedure.
I guess we're pretty ok with things, she's
coping well with it, no crying etc..
Maybe because we've both decided that it
was for the best, and have more or less
decided to put it behind us.
