i'm a little scared to be posting this
but i've noticed a problem and I want
other peoples opinions and advice. This
is going to be a longish post so please
bear with me as I have much explaining to
do.
You see I have had a very rought life, I
am the bi-polar child of a scitziphrenic
paranoid father and a bi-polar mother. I
have seen horrors in my lifetime that no
human should ever see. It took me many
years to deal with them and it almost cost
me my life and my very soul. Something
had caused me to become violent and filled
with rage and as a result an internal war
started that almost killed me. I
eventauly won the war but large chunks of
myself got locked away and now I have so
much self control, so much impulse control
that I don't react to most things. It was
my way of dealing with the darkness.
Anyway my youth (all the way up till
senior year high school) was perminated
with darkness. A darkness so dark a man
could easily loose his very soul. I am
not exagerating when I say I have been to
hell and back and I am lucky to be not
only alive but saine! Anyway though this
all I held on to one thing and one thing
only. I only had a single hope, a single
desire to keep me going all that while.
All my life I wanted one thing and only
one thing. I wanted to be loved. So I
searched and searched looking for not just
someone but the one I had dreamed about
all those years.
When my life turned dark and I lost all
hope, when I had given up on love and I
simply couldnt take the lonelyness, I
couldnt take the pain I would fill the
void with porn. It was a quick fix, it
filled a momentary void, it was dangerous
sneaking into my brothers stash and not
getting caught. So there was 2 things it
did for me. 1 there was an adiction to
the danger and 2 there was an adiction to
the porn, for some odd reason the physical
relief filled part of the void in me for
just a moment and gave me a little bit of
freedom. It made the lonelyness go away,
it made the pain go away for just a moment
but in the end it did the opposit it made
me feel worse. I felt guilt over my
addiction, felt guilt that I had given up
and needed the quick fix.
Well many years have passed since then.
Now there is another thing you must
understand about me... My health isnt
great it has never been great. I have and
enlarged heart, an ashmatic cough and the
tendacy to not only get sick but to stay
sick for long periods of time. To make
maters worse my stomach is utterly wrecked
and causes me all kinds of pain.
Well a few years back I met my sweetheart
juli. I see in her that person I so
admately searched for. I love juli very
much and she loves me. We make each other
happy but ... *sigh* part of me is
unhappy and its causing stress fractures
in an otherwise happy relationship. Me
and juli only fight about one thing: sex.
Our needs are differnt which is alright
but between my health and my screwed up
drives... *sigh*
you see juli and I have an open
relationship and she's bi so we both have
the possibility of having a girl friend.
I'm all good with that i'm a little freaky
so hey... It's a plus to me. I'm actualy
looking forwards to it and not at the same
time. Part of me badly wants the new
experiences, wants the extra affection and
possibly love. Part of me is afraid. You
see I havent taken advantage of my side of
the open relationship. I either don't
feel the need or when I do I can't find
anyone. And trust me theres no kick in
the teeth like having the freedom and no
one wants you. It's a blow to my pride,
to my very manhood.
Lately ... I don't know whats been wrong
with me.
My addiction to porn has increased
drasticly and part of me gets off from her
not knowing about it, theres an element of
danger again and that excites me for some
reason. Even though I know rationaly that
she wouldn't care I know that part of her
would view that with negative eyes since
we havent been intimate in a couple of
weeks.
Further more my sex drive isnt what it
used to be and its upsetting juli. She
thinks I dont want her or love her and its
simply not true. It's just part of me
wants something else. We've been married
for about 2 years and i'll be honest I
never was very good with women. I'm cute
but in my youth I just couldnt communicate
properly and everything went screwy. I
tried too hard and I couldnt take
rejection so often I didnt try at all.
Then just before I started coledge I went
super manic and sudenly became casanova I
was swave, I traveled around a bunch, I
met juli. Now that im no longer manic...
*sigh* I don't rember much from those days
most of what I did durring the 3 year
stretch of mania is lost in a fog but I
remember some its like a blind man
suddenly getting sight for a single day
only to have it taken away again! Its
horrible.
So i'm desperately searching and I don't
understand why, i'm scanning personal
adds, trying to meet people, trying to be
swave, all the while my drive dies but my
need for porn and to find someone is
increasing wildly. I've become erratic
and its hurting my relationship.
I know part of this has to do with the
great uphevials in my life lately (i
recently lost everything, I was left with
no family, no friends, no job and no home
and it was my fault. Ive been cut off and
issolated for almost a year and with the
loss of my future home I caused major
havoc in 5 lives. I am still trying to
pick up the peices of my life.) long story
not pretty also not relavant to this
particular discusson.
I also know that part of it stems from my
desire to try new things, I haven't been
with that many people. Truth of the
matter is I can count them all on one hand
and still have fingers left over. My wife
on the other hand is more experienced.
Part of me wants to prove that someone
other then her finds me sexy, someone
other then her wants me. Part of me wants
to prove that I can be charming and swave
when im not manic and out of my mind!
Part of me wants to prove im still a man
and its making me erratic.
I don't understand and don't know whats
happened to my drive, I know part of it is
health. I've been sick... Alot. I know
part of it is bad timing we are on and off
at opposit times. When im in the mood
she's busy and when she's I dont feel
well. Also I think part of it has to do
with the orginal need and how porn was
only a subsitute I think part of my
defintion is messed up. To me sex isnt as
important as love and I think that is
affecting my sex drive but I have no idea
what to do about it.
I am a shy guy and my wifes not so shy.
So when she comes to me for sex even if im
in the mood sometimes it just flips that
switch in my head that turns me off. Like
my brain has associated her with love and
only love and her coming to me for sex is
like her saying she does't love me and
causes a short circit in my brain. I know
its not true but its hard for me to resist
the urge at that exact moment that all she
wants from me is sex.
I know this is odd,
i know this is no where near normal for a
guy but its like my wife and I switched
roles and I cant deal with it.
*sigh*
please help me i'm confused and I don't
want to hurt my wife I love her dearly. I
just don't know whats wrong with me or
what to do about it.
Take care,
be well,
and have a nice day
-mike
|
PattyV
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 May 2004 Posts: 1103 Location: Chicago area
Posted: 11-15-04 11:18am
Wow,mike.You have had your share of
heartache.You say that you are
bi-polar.Are you on meds??Those can
certainly mess up your sex drive.You
should discuss your issues with a
professional,you have some deep rooted
issues,especially the need to have
multiple partners and the porn.Nothing
wrong with porn as long as it does not
take the place of real intimacy.It sounds
like it is interferring with your
relationship with your wife.You say that
you have the freedom to have other women
,but have not acted on that.Maybe you are
not as comfortable with that freedom as
you'd like your wife to think.There is a
fine line between the fantasy of a
threesome and the reality of it.I have
known couples who did have threesomes and
it always backfired on them.Someone feels
left out,or sees their partner enjoying
that other person more than they enjoy
them.The worst one was the woman left her
husband for the guy he brought home for
her-and was then p.O.'d about it!!Maybe
some councelling would be in order for
both of you???Good luck.Patty
|
pucx44505
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Nov 2004 Posts: 3 Location: mansfeild
Long Winded Posted: 11-15-04 20:24pm
Thanks for replying patty,
perhaps your right, I have varing degrees
of comfort in the issue. Ya see ive had
a 3 some before. A couple of times with
the same two people. It can take some
getting used to and is not something that
you should do lightly. I've known others
who have had no problem or who have had
great problems it depends very much on
their individual personalities.
As for seeing other people I only realy
have one moral belief that has been my
guide though all the darkness ive seen and
dealt with. One guiding post that
prevented me from hurting others even
durring the period of my life that I was a
rage filled monster, one belief .... But
it came at a cost .... "hurt no one"
thats my one and only rule. I live by
that rule but its not easy. Ive locked
away all the dark peices of myself. I
lobitimzed myself and cut out all the
darker pieces. It nearly cost me my life
and my sanity to do so. The stronger you
fight yourself and your own darkness the
stronger it gets. The only way I got
freedom was to make peace with myself but
still I cant let those peices of me run
free because it would be very very bad.
I'm scared of myself scared of what I
would do if I let loose so I can never do
so. I can never be free of myself.
So i'm trapped in my own head, unable to
reach out and express my true thoughts and
feelings and sometimes im not even sure
what those thoughts and feelings are let
alone able to find words for them. My
mind isnt what it used to be. Self
control came at a cost. Will power came
at a cost a high cost.
Now I get lost in the day to day... I
have no sense of time and the world blurs
around me. One day blurs into another
and honestly my mind which was once sharp
(i had a 160 iq) has become dull and I
feel the loss. I feel the loss of
myself.
I just want to be free of myself, I want
to do extrodinay things, I want to reach
out and be me, I want that which I can
never have.
Your right I have certainly had more then
my fair share of pain and heartache in my
life.
As for the porn. Its an adiction. Ive
possesed and destroyed more porn in my
life then I care to admit. At this
moment I am destroying again. Maybe this
time they will stay destroyed. *laughes
dryly*
the multiple partner thing: I have so many
conflicting desires so many peices of me
all clamering to get out at the same time
that its frozen me with fear for most my
life.
My wife has been with other people some of
which while we were married. She asked
and I said yes. I honestly didn't care
because I didnt feel that the people were
threats to our relationship.
I havent taken advantage for 2 reasons.
1. Part of me feels that I would hurt my
wife. I just cant bypass myself I just
cant by pass the one rule and go "its ok"
I can't wrap my brain around it. I have
fought for so long and so hard against
myself from letting any peice of my darker
nature out that I no longer capable of
letting the peices I want out!
The second reason is very simple. Im
compulsively honest I always tell the
truth so when I do meet someone they know
im married. Unlike most guys who realy
don't care if their realy into a woman
weather she's married or not. Women get
all hung up on it and treat me like I have
the plauge! Its a kick in the teeth to
be treated like a plauge carrier for just
trying to be true to myself. Most my
life I had the view point that I was a
monster. That the darkness inside of me
would cause me to hurt those around me,
that I didnt deserve to be loved. And my
only hope was the one I already mentioned.
My only hope was someday id be loved.
And so to be treated in such a way, to be
treated not as a caring, sweet guy who
just wants to be free but to be treated
like a pig or a monster for simply trying
to be myself reinforces that negative self
immage that I have fought against most my
life. To be treated as a plauge carrier
reinforces the belief that I am a
monster.
Which I supose is another reason for the
porn. Porn doesnt reject you doesnt
treat you like your inhuman.
Then a few years back I made peace with
myself I was happy for the first time in
years, and I met my wife.
I know part of the problem is my delayed
reaction. I consider everything and I
don't go off inpulses. (i cant ive
locked them all away for safety sake) so I
miss opertunities and I missexpress
thoughts and feelings. And so when the
opertunity arises I don't go with the
moment. I don't just go with the flow.
A string of thoughts runs though my head
all at once and numbs me "do I have time?
Am a supose to get up early tomorrow?
If I do will I be able to go to sleep?,
can I finish what I start?, do I want to?
Will I start coughing again? Do I have
the stamina right now?" next thing I know
the moments passed and as far as my wifes
concerned I might as well just said I
don't want her. Which is not true I am
just caught up in responsibility and
dought. Caught up in the self control I
use to prevent myselfself from being let
loose caught in the responsibilty of
protecting others from me. Whats more
theres a very real chance that I will get
sicker or at least go into a very painful
coughing fit from the exertion. Part of
the reason I was adicted to porn is its an
easy release and quick. 10 minutes at
most unlike the hour or more I spend
making love. Plus theres no fear, and no
rejecton its just what it is.
My true problem I realize is im all locked
up inside the real me is burried somewhere
deep inside and so I have delayed
reactions and think everything though.
-mike
|
pucx44505
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Nov 2004 Posts: 3 Location: mansfeild
Getting Better Posted: 11-16-04 13:58pm
Todays a bit better then yesterday. I let
too much build up in my system. Since
then ive sat down and begun talking to my
wife. Ive also come to understand a few
things about myself that makes a
difference.
As for my life being in chaos.... Im
trying to fix that today. I'm turning in
a resume' for a cool job in about an hour.
Wish me luck!
but i've noticed a problem and I want
other peoples opinions and advice. This
is going to be a longish post so please
bear with me as I have much explaining to
do.
