Any Advice For the Kids of Divorcing Parents?

Hi this is les and I am 59, a mother of 3 grown sons and lost my husband to alzheimers 2 years ago. First, it is always hard to accept the idea of two parents separating after many years and probably worse when there is another one involved in the situation. You will feel emotional pain for awhile and probably don't understand quite what is going on. Sounds like your parents stayed together in order to see you two grow up. That says a lot about how much they love you bothbut if they really aren't getting along, are arguing all the time, playing like everything is alright, it is not a healthy situation for either of them or you to be in. I would suggest you and your sister get together with mom and dad and rationally talking about it and expressing how you two feel about it also. Anger will only fester and forgiving your father might take time but forgiveness is really important for every one to heal. May god bless you both and don't blame your selves for the breakup.
Leslie

Well my family seems to be weird about all this divorce stuff. They kept it from us for a long time that my dad had a girlfriend (even though I knew, I found out on my own and didn't tell them I knew). They're still living together and everything, but my dad still goes to visit the other woman. I haven't met her or talked to her yet, but I know quite a bit about her. They don't fight around us when we are home (we live at university and only go home for christmas and summer) but maybe I just didn't see it much cuz I tried to make myself busy during the past summer...I don't know. I haven't talked to my dad about it yet, but my mom called to tell me (and my sister) about the other woman, and I told her I did know before, not just guessed. My mom says my sister cried, but I have yet to talk to my sister about it. Do u think I should? I'm not sure what I want to do right now...My parents are selling our house and when they get knew ones I don't know who I wanna live with. I would live with my dad but I dont' want to have to deal with 'her'...But my mom and I argue a lot, so I don't know if I want to stay with her....Maybe it'll just be another summer of going out a lot.
Thanks

- vienna

Vienna,
I can feel your pain. What you said is usually true of a marriage that is breaking up. If you feel close to your sister telling her might be a comfort to both of you. I am very close with my youngest sister and we tell each other everything. There has already been deceit in this mess so more won't help. I know it will take awile but things will get better. Is their a friend you both can stay with during the summer? Maybe if your financially able to you can share a small apartment together. Just an idea. If you would like to please email me at my email address, I was an advocate for children in new york for a very long time. I have a good listening ear. Please take heart, as I said staying together if they are both so unhappy is not a healthy situation. Believe me I know from personal experience.
San dbag5492004@yahoo.Com you both will be in my prayers

No, my sister and I aren't close. Melissa (my sis) is far too different from me. I'm sure she'd be ok staying with them in the summer. Last summer when I knew and she didn't I spent a lot of time with some of my friends from high school. I saw one girl just about every day and melissa asked me why I saw her so much, but I didn't have the heart to tell her it's because I couldn't stay in a house where I was being lied to...I felt more at home in my friends' houses than I did at home. I was always out last summer, or tried to have ppl over as much as I could.

And I don't have enough money to live on my own during the holidays. So I just have to grin and bear it. I'll probably spend a lot of time out again. But that's ok with me. I like it that way.

Vienna,
reading between the lines I really get the feeling that you don't like it that way.I wish there was something I could do for you bur there isn't. I feel really bad for both of you. I grew up in a violent home, fighting all the time, hitting, screaming, and everything else. Which way is better; neither. Children always take the hit of parental problems head on. It is not right, fair, and only leads to heartache. I still encourage you to sit down with your parents, either together or separately. At least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you let them know that you and your sister have and are suffering because of this situation and it is uncomfortable and uneasy and you do not like feeling this way. May not seem like the right thing to do but tell them-heh remember us, we are your daughters and this has hurt us too. We are people and have feelings too. Try it. I can only suggest and pray for both of you.
Love in christ,
les

I don't know, maybe this year will be different, since they know now that both my sister and I know... My mom says I can always talk to her if I need to, about anything, and ask questions too, but I don't think I really have any questions to ask. None of my questions have anything to do with her. All my uncertainties simply have to do with the other woman...

But u know, i've been seeing them grow apart for years, and I wonder if maybe that's what made me want to rebel against their rules and stuff. Like now that I know about everything, when I got a bf after that, I didn't think about any of their rules and I just did what I wanted. I was still a virgin til I found out. Then I slept with my bf and may now be pregnant at 18,....I wonder now if it would have been different if I hadn't known...

Sweetheart,
you're a pretty sharp gal, I think it would not have mattered. What you did in essence was telling them-look at me I count too. Kids are the most perspective people I know. You can't pull the wool over their eyes no matter what you do. You have known for a long time and the part that is hard to deal with is the fact that you felt powerless to change it. All children are in that position when little and even as teenagers.I and my sisters could do nothing to help our situation. We were innocent victims of two adults that were totally out of control. What could we have done? Nothing and either can you. Do not feel guilty about it. Number one is to take care of yourself.Plan your life, finish school, get an education, or whatever, check and see if your ppregnant, there are clinics that can help you, take each day as it comes. Enjoy each minute. I try to and believe me being manic-depressive is no picnic. I get up each day and pray and thank my lord for letting me get up, then for being able to get down my staircase in one piece, see my sons and thank him for them, for the wonderful husband I had, then look out the window and thank him for all the beautiful animals, flowers, the roof over my head, and ask him to carry me through the day without depression and to keep all those I love safe, warm, happy, and filled with his love. Make it happen sweetheart, there is good and there is bad, push the sorrow, anger, and confusion aside.
Email me at san dbag5492004@yahoo.Com
I love you through christ and am here to listen and tell you that you are special to him-always. He knows your everythought, your every desire, hope, what you need, and is always there for you
love les

Your case is similar to my best friend's.
her parents got a divorce all right, but before that they never bothered much abt each other or her.
she felt like a ball kicked around
for now she sometimes live wif her dad and sometimes her mum
but most of the time she stays in the university hostel
she was a wild girl before, had no bf and was doing it with *practically* anyone, had night stands..
and now she has a bf more than 2 times older than her and older than her parents and surprisingly her parents arent even reacting..they go "ok ok" only..
perhaps divorced parents would create a rebel child.. for they feel the parents r not the perfect parents they have always felt the parents were..
and then life crashes down on them ultimately
and my friend she's finding 'love' from guys outside.. coz she doesnt have the love her parents owed her..and then she gets fooled again and again for sex..
now has a d4mn controlling bf.. i kinda pity she didnt love herself..
at least u have a loving bf, she didnt have anything and i dont even know what friends she has other than the school friends but it seems they dont actually know what shes been going thru..
take care of urself~