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Obsession?

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C S

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Obsession? Posted: 11-25-04 23:46pm


there is a person I know, who I deal with on a business level and as an acquaintance/friend. But I cannot get this person off my mind. I even think about the person when I talk to other people, when i'm alone. If I don't get e-mail replies from the person in a timely manner, i'm crushed. I like this person as a friend, but I feel I have a "stalker" infatuation.

OutsideSizes

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Reply Posted: 11-28-04 06:14am


Hi cs, what you feel is perfectly ok. You don't need to be embarrassed about it. This person is special to you, and as long as you don't act impulsively or in a way that makes that person uncomfortable or scared, there is nothing wrong with a serious crush. I am assuming this person has no clue about your feelings and no one else does either. I am also assuming you feel constricted either by the professional relationship (maybe your work has fraternizing policies), or because this person is involved with/married to someone else, or you are simply too shy and/or unsure of yourself to be upfront with this person. Of course, the first two reasons I listed kind of don't leave you much of a choice- you must keep this relationship strictly professional and contain your emotions for the sake of respecting the company you work for and the person in question. Unless this person makes it obvious that he/she feels the same you should not degrade yourself by acting on your obsession and making your vulnerability known. Dignity is one of the only things we fully own and we need to cherish it. And, you should not risk losing your job by foolishly persuing a unrequited romance. It worries me that you said you can't focus on anything else other than your crush and that you don't listen to what others say because you think only of him/her. If you feel your obsession is truly dangerous, disruptive, or unreasonably intense- to the point of driving yourself insane or literally physically stalking this co-worker, you may want to see a therapist and get these feelings out and resolved before you do or say something you regret. However, if there is no policy about interoffice dating and this person is single and you are friends/aquaintences, then maybe you should gather the courage to ask him/her to a cup of coffee, or a lunch, or even drinks after work. You can get to know him/her better and be able to truly evaluate the situation and decide if its worth persuing. Often such crushes are fantasies that don't live up to expectations, especially if they are based mainly on physical attraction. On the other hand, you would be interested to know that close to 50% of couples meet at the workplace, so maybe if your shyness is the problem you can muster the courage to stop torturing yourself and letting this person monopolize your thoughts. Be smart, be healthy and don't worry- love is a b*tch but everyone suffers through it! Keep me posted on teh progress

C S

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Posted: 11-29-04 15:02pm


Oh there's no romantic interest at all. I've had obsessions like this in school--usually about the popular girls in school <---f more of a desire to have this person as a friend.

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Hmmm... Posted: 11-30-04 02:28am


Thats strange...I don't see why you can't have her as a friend...She is a woman, right? Are you female or male? Straight or gay? That is important to know in order for me to give u advice. It seems to me you don't think you're good enough for this person, which is the wrong mindset to have- nobody is better than anyone else. If you are already aquaintances theres no reason why you can't become closer, regardless of the professional environment your relationship is based on. It also seems you desperately want this person's approval because it would make you feel more popular/successful/attractive- whatever it is you admire in her. I felt the same way in the beginning of high school, because I moved from boston to chicago for 8th grade and became a total nerd, which lowered my self-esteem a lot. I was a troublemaker in 7th grade and I was trying to make a clean start and do well, and it was a hard transition for me. The summer before high school I lost a lot of weight and got contacts instead of glasses, started to use makeup, etc, so when I began high school I desperately wanted to be accepted by the in crowd. There were certain girls in particular that I aspired to be like- the girls that seemed to be effortlessly perfect. I can't say I was obsessed with them to the point of not being able to think about anything else, but it was definitely a huge deal to me. I had good friends who were good people, who loved me and who I had fun with, but it wasn't enough for me. I didn't care if the popular girls were good people, I just wanted to be one of them. By the time I was a sophamore I succeeded in befriending one of these "health forum", "cool" girls, and she introduced me to her group. Suddenly, I was sitting at a different lunch table, wearing different clothes, going to incredible parties, and getting male attention. We were the girls that everyone feared and worshiped. But the price I paid was way too high. I alienated my real friends, the people who really loved me. I knew my new friends didn't care about me or anyone else, and would stab me in the back at the drop of a hat. I became a different person too, willing to be cruel to kids we considered "losers" just to please my friends. I lost all sense of who I was, because I lived for my image. Thankfully, the summer before senior year I went to ny for the summer, away from the drama and superficiality of high-school. I re-evaluated my priorities and realized that I had thrown away not only my identity but my real support group. I definitely matured that summer. When I came back to school for senior year I apologized to everyone I hurt and rekindled the friendships that I ruined. And guess what? Almost all my real friends forgave me, even though they had no reason to. I told my new friends I would no longer be a health forum to people and that I had to split my time up between them and my other friends. They laughed at me. By the end of senior year, not a single one of them was in my life. I am thankful every day I realized my mistakes before it was too late and I still hold on to the true friendships I mended, and I could not make it without these people. I am not implying this person you are obsessing over is cruel or bad to be friends with. She may be a very nice person. But the big point remains the same- you are seeking her friendship for the wrong reasons. Whenever you unreasonably worhsip someone or idealize them not only will you almost certainly be disappointed, but you are letting someone who you barely know control your mood, your actions, your whole life. Believing you will be happier or feel better about yourself by befriending this person who possesses qualities you feel you lack (she is probably confident, attractive and well-liked) just means you are unhappy with yourself. Is this because you don't have friends who make you feel special? You have to ask yourself- what makes you feel the need to seek this woman's friendship? Is it because you honestly believe she will make a wonderful friend? I doubt it. Then you would not feel the need to obsess over her, it would happen naturally. Trust me, if you ever do become close to this woman you will not be fully satisfied. It may make you feel wanted or special in the beginning, but after a short time you will see that you are not any happier or fulfilled. You put her up on an imaginary pedestal and you have high expectations, so you will either be very disappointed or, if she lives up to your ideal, you will never stop obsessing over her- why she didn't call u back, why she is going somehwere with someone else. People like her, who are confident with themselves will never seek approval from you, because they are already fulfilled. So until you are at peace with your own life, and resolve the hidden issues that underly your need to gain approval, you will never have an equal friendship with someone. Love (friendship-wise or romance-wise) cannot be bought or forced...It occurs only when two people mutually find tranquility in the relationship they share. Good luck to you!

Obsession?