Ever Gotten Cold Feet Or Pre-wedding Jitters??

I am currently going through some pre marriage jitters. This is my 3rd marriage and am only 28 years old. During my previous engagements I have never had any jitters. I think that based on my past experiences I have become very conscious about things that are wrong with the person I am with. Right now I have found myself purposely looking for things that are wrong. I think that if I find something then I can get out now instead of being miserable 2 years from now. Its hard for me to determine whether or not the things I think are making me frustrated are a part of my imagination or are for real. So far I think its a part of my imagination. I am learning that I just scared that I might fail at this 3rd marriage. I am scared that I am not paying close enough attention to things that may make things miserable years down the road. So far I have not found anything in my current fiance that would make me miserable. I am looking for things wrong with him and have found nothing to be alarmed about. He thinks I am over thinking things. I don't think I am, I think I owe it to myself after all I have been through to think of everything through every angle so I know I am doing it right this time. This is definately the last time I am getting married. I have talked to him about this and he is very patient with me. He knows what I have been through and loves me enough to help me get through this.

Two of my friends are getting married in a few months.. I'll pass this info on to them.

Lizardlips:

i hope your were able to analyze the mistakes which occurred in your two previous marriages to make your third one the charm.

Please note, no man you will ever marry will be perfect. If you expect perfection in the third one, you will be disappointed for the third time. I am far from perfect, but I will always strive to make myself a better man and a better husband to my wife until the day I die.

First, I hope you took this relationship slow and have given it time to develop and blossom from a friendship to a fullfilling relationship!

Second, I hope you have done some sort of premarital counseling before you get married. The goal of the premarital counseling is to find out how your partner thinks, dreams, communicates... It is to find out about your values, what matter most. My wife and I are opposites. I am the introvert, she the extrovert, I think before I speak, she speaks as she is thinking. My point is when you have two different people, each person learned different ways to communicate over the years. This leads to misconception and misunderstanding. If you learn how to communicate with your significant other, you leave little room for misunderstanding and learn how to resolve your problems.

Third, marriage is a commitment. Both you and your fiance are flawed. The goal is I plan to give you 100% of me, and you to expect your partner to give you 100% of himself to you. I will be there for the good, bad and ugly. My father-in-law is a perfect example of this. My mother-in law is in a severe case of ms. Many years ago when they found out my m-i-l had ms, a friend, whose wife had ms, told my f-i-l to run while you can. That was not an option to him, because he made a commitment. Life is never guarenteed to be easy but our love and commitment measure the treasure in each one of us.

I do hope you find your third marriage to be the charm!

Best wishes,

tomz

Tomz,

thank you for the above reply. The thing you mentioned about taking the time to let the relationship grow is something I am going to do. I am in the military and our reenlistment is coming up soon. The only guarunteed way to ensure we can be together is to get married and then reenlist. Thinking about that gave me some sort of anxiety. This was on top of the other things I was worried about.

I have been thinking a lot lately. Right now we are seperated because I am currently deployed and I am supposed to be back home in a month. We only have about a week or so together before he has to deploy from 60 days to 1 year. That means we wont be able to have the time to make sure we are 100% ready for marriage. I know that I am not. I have told him exactly how I felt. I have concluded that I know I accept everything about him because he accepts all of my faults, and I know I need to return that back to him. But, because of my past experiences and the feeling I get thinking about getting married on a time crunch, I can not get married quickly like we might need to. Even though it saddens me to think we may be apart for our next duty assignment, I think that if our love is as strong as we think it is we can survive the time and distance apart. There is a chance that we could request the same assignment and still be able to be together... Not living together of course but at least we have the time to make sure we are getting married with a sound mind and heart.

I almost feel guilty for thinking like this because I know he wants to get married as soon as possible. I hate breaking his heart like that. Luckily he has been supportive so far, and would not want to get married if one of us wasnt ready.

All of this thinking is killing me!

Communciating can be through email/letters/phones.

1. A friend of mine is going to be stationed in iraq beginning in june. He was station in kosovo for a year several years ago. He and his wife would email their dreams and their thougths. They found they were so in tune with one anothers thoughts even being half the globe away.

Even during their seperation, they continue to keep their love/spark alive in their marriage.

You may find you can really find out the heart of a person when not distracted by them being physically presence.

2. The military is now being more supportive in offering couples in the military counseling to help their relationship. I saw a news report of this being offered in north carolina and looking to spread it. I don't know if you have heard of this?

3. Love should not be pressure. Plus do not put guilt or undo stress on your relationship (it is not healthy). You need to do what is best for both you and what is best for the relationship. It sounds like you have a great guy. There are lots of details I am not aware, so no one on this help line can tell you to go left or right or tell you the situation is black or white. Hopefully we give you some hidden nuggets of wisdom and truth to help you to make a good decision for your circumstances.

I wish you the best. Continue to love and commit your self to your relationship and keep the lines of communciation open between you.

Tom

I appreciate the advice that you have given me tom.

I have done more sould searching over here and decided to be honest with myself. I could honestly tell myself that I was afraid of the marrige thing because deep down inside I knew he wasnt right for me in the first place. There are a lot of good things about him I loved. But there were more things about him and they we were together that made me miserable... And the thought of getting married to someone like that scared me because I knew I wasnt going to be as happy as I could be.

I found myself again out here. I actually like myself for once. Everything that I feel tells me I made the right choice.

He is pretty mad. He is trying to tell me I made my choice because of a friendship with another male I made out here. To be honest though... The time I did spend with my friend was the most fun I had in 5 months than what I had with my ex in 2.5 years. My friend opened me up to be myself again. He taught me I can enjoy life again. I kind of wished I could have that with my ex. Thats the way I always wanted to feel. My ex believes that I had more with my friend... Actually it wasnt until after the breakup when I had any thought of actually liking my friend as more than a friend. I couldnt help my heart for feeling that way.

I told my ex about how I have been feeling all along. I was honest with him. I told him how and why I have been so unhappy. He told me that 95% of the things I felt were wrong. Whatever. That just justified my reasonings of breaking it off.

The more and more I talked to him after the breakup the more sure of myself that I made the right choice.

I dont feel sad. I feel pretty happy now. I know my life has a chance at getting what I really want. I am sorry that I had to hurt him like that, but thats life. Everyone is going to hurt somedays.

I dont regret any of this. I wake up happy knowing I am on the right track. Shoot... Maybe in a few months of some alone time I could has my friend out on a real date. Afterall, I did enjoy my time with him.

Thats it.

Hi everyone! My name is rebekah and I am supposed to be getting married june 25th. I am having serious doubts about this marriage. My fiance has started comparing me to his ex-wife and telling me what I can and can't do. I thought that this was the guy I was supposed to be with forever but he has really started freaking out on me. He is not physically abusive but he has become very controlling. They only problem is that my dress is already bought as well as the bridesmaid dresses. He has put alot of money into this wedding already and I really don't know what to do. I can not talk to any of my friends about this because they all think he is just great and they all think that I should marry him. Please any advice would be appriciated.

Thank you

rebekah

[i totally agree with you, I think i'm going to have to break up to :( I would like to ask you what was your deciding factor? I am still sooo unsure about my relationship. I am 29 divorced in a new relationship for 1 year + he lives with me and my son. I was crazy about him at first but now I am truly unhappy and get upset at him over aevery little thing lately. He is still super happy and wants to marry. Of course he's happy I do everything for our relationship and him and his company. In the meantime I feel short changed, he's not romantic at all. .......It's just too long to list but I am truly at aloss with my feelings. Never mind me my child is involved , I feel terrible after the divorce ending this. It has taught me to never move in with someone until I am sureeeeee especially when a chid is involved

so damn sad

My wedding is in 5 months and 8 days...Not that i'm counting or anything! I was really excited about the wedding. The plans were going well, everything seemed to be falling into place. And then bam! Suddenly I am cranky, emotional, irritable, nervous, and stressed. Not about the wedding, but about the marriage. Is he the right one for me? Will we be financially secure? Will we be happy? Will we end up miserable like my own parents? Am I too young? Are we making a huge mistake?? Everyday that goes by I have more and more reservations. My fiance and I have been together over two years now, and we have talked about the important things. We feel the same way about children, and finances, and religion. Neither of us has an addiction and we are not abusive. And yet, suddenly I feel as though I could be making a huge mistake. I am so stressed and nervous that I don't even feel blissfully in love like I used to. To make matters worse, I just moved about 450 miles away and only see him about once a month.

Am I having a case of serious pre-wedding jitters??? What is my problem, and how do I fix it? My fiance is starting to think I don't want to get married, and he is taking it personally. I don't want to hurt him if this is just a case of cold feet. Help?!