Hi.
Forgive me if this seems really terse.
It's kind of involved and am trying not to
get to wordy. Here's my situation.
Relationship ended over some things that
developed from the following.
Month 2 or so: girlfriend wants to get
back from a vacation 1000 miles away to
meet guy for hike - we were driving and
had 1.5 days to get back. She met him on
match previous to meeting me, emailed with
him, and hung out with him once. He was
visiting our town for a festival from 2000
miles away. No invite for me to join, and
it was referred to as a "date" before I
asked "date?", to which she said she was
joking. Not a biggie to me - early in
relationship.
Month 3 or so: we're seemingly mutually
steady. She makes plans to hang with a
guy that I believe she had met on match
previous to our meeting. She'd only hung
out with him a few times that I can tell.
With the opportunity to mention she was
meeting him for a night out at the bars
together ("i'd asked whatcha up to
tonight?" she said "nothing. You?") she
didn't mention this. I found this out
later.
Month 4 or so: she emails me saying she's
going to a concert with "friends" until
late, and then getting up at 5:30am to
meet one of the friends for a charity
event. Turns out the "friend" is a guy
she'd spoken well of and by name often. I
thought it odd she referred to him vaguely
as "friend" when I knew him by name, if
not personally.
Month 4 or 5: she says she's "coming over"
for the night, but no definite time -will
let me know. Then emails and says "maybe
staying home to clean, but will let you
know". Fine with me. I call later to
find out which it'll be. No answer and no
returned call. I call even later to find
out if everythings alright. No answer, no
returned call. The next day, she says she
was staying with "friends" - never had
"stayed over with friends", hasn't since,
and had charged cel with her and never had
problem walking the 3 blocks from her
friends (girl-friend and girl-friend's
beau's) back to her place, day or night,
in the past.
For the first several months, almost
invariably late by 10-45 min.. Defensive
when I finally asked if she could try to
be better about that, calling me
condescending and implying I was
demanding.
Was often suspicious that I was trying to
"entrap" her when I asked her how she
thought things were going with us before
asking why she was so reticent about
communicating some of the above things,
including when she would be late and why
she was reluctant to tell me who she was
going out with.
She tended to get defensive about most
things, be reluctant to apologize (for,
e.G., being an hour late for something),
and considered me mistrustful and overly
angry. I did often get angry after months
of such stuff, and raised my voice as the
arguements about the above (and about "why
all the arguements every time?")
continued.
After months of trying to talk through
these things (the ebst way I knew how -
i'd tried level voice, soft voice, direct
voice, "how would you feel if I did
that?"), I lost patience. We both said
we wanted to work things through, but were
not getting very far (though, after much
fighting, she'd gotten better about trying
to be on time or at least call if late and
to just say "sorry" if she'd affected me
somehow - though often still after
significant debate almost invariably; I
was trying harder not to get impatient
with what felt like slights and to be more
aware of wht she said was too direct a
tone in my voice). Patience was thin, we
were talking about working on things more
than acting on the talk, it seemed, and it
was becoming easier and easier for me to
get angry at what seemed the like the same
inconsideration over and over in various
guises - more angry than i've ever been
that involved yelling and she was even
frightened a couple of times (as was I
since it almost seemed like she was trying
to draw me into it and I was taking the
bait).
Well, that's about as concise, yet fair,
as I feel I can be in this typed medium.
I'd be happy to answer questions and
clarify, as I may not have seemed fair
above (though tried hard to be).
Any thoughts or insights?
Thanks.
