I broke it off with my girlfriend several
months ago. Since then, I hav thought a
lot about us. I now know that I had much
to do with our troubles. I think with a
couple of differences in the relationship
(we had some communication problems), she
might have married me in time. We broke
it off several times due to the
communication problems, but always got
back together within days. We lived
together and sayed we loved each other.
Now she is ready to move on. I just had
a long talk with her telling her I know
what I had to do with it and how I wanted
to try again (we'd had that conversation a
couple of time after the previous break
ups). She just wants to be friends and
not to try again. I am heart broken (i
know, sounds like an elliott smith song
"you broke your own heart cause you
couldn't finish what you started"). I
love her very much. I broke it off
because she couldn't seem to empathize
with me when I mentioned things that
bothered me about us - not big things, but
the defensiveness that could result turned
them big.
How can I handle this? I want to talk to
her and do anything to work things out.
Please help!!
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sftbllchika06
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Dec 2004 Posts: 413 Location: St. Louis
Posted: 12-31-04 23:17pm
Give her some space. Maybe all she needs
is time to think. My ex did the same
thing to me as she did to you. I pushed
and pushed and now 3 months later he doing
someone else. Don't make the same
mistakes. You could always try the friend
thing. Maybe you 2 will make better
friends than boyfriend and girlfriend.
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msibuc
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Dec 2004 Posts: 12 Location: ny
Thank You Posted: 01-01-05 02:27am
Thanks for your words. I really
appreciate it.
I think that you would be right if I
hadn't fallen into the trap of becoming
the bad guy. I yelled at her and even
slapped her once. I can think "i've
never laid a hand on someone before" or "i
didn't actually mean to make contact", but
I did it. It is hard to forgive. So,
I agree that I could just sit back and let
her think about things. Maybe she will
recognize that she had a lot to do with
the fristration and eventual anger that
lead to such things, but it lead to such
things which is hard to get over. So,
it seems to me that I am in the position
of either recognizing that if I sit back,
she will probably just meet someone else
and move on without ever seeing that it
could have been good, or I can stick
around, show her I care, somehow let her
know that I have realized what I was doing
to contribute to her reactions to things
(the defensiveness which seems to derive
from half a lifetime of living under the
affects of a difficult and demanding
parent with the other dead when she was 14
- I think she was projecting some of that
onto me and I was then reacting in a way
that fulfilled that expectation), and
demonstrate that I can be as good to her
as anyone can with such realizations.
Doing the former leaves a big ? For I
know it could be unusually good with us
(as most of it was). Without doing
that, it seems that the quandry for me is
how to go about the latter without pushing
her away.
Thanks. I welcome more of your thoughts
on this, as I could just be wrong. I
need all the input I can get, especially
from the female perspective it seems.
I do think you might be right about let
the friend thing ride. My concern there
is that without discussing with her some
of what I am confident is possible with us
(and good), she could just move on, like I
said. Maybe that's inevitable. I just
love her very much and belive in the
possibilities, so that's hard to face and
just let happen. What do you think?
